


The Laws of Survival

by pasiphile



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Dom/sub Undertones, Dubious Ethics, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, Nonbinary Side Characters, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Switching, Trust Issues, UST, more specific warnings for each chapter in the notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-04-09 07:58:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 120,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4340339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pasiphile/pseuds/pasiphile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His friends are dead, and now he’s trapped in a world where he has no voice, no control, and no one on his side except for the bastard who forced him to join in the first place.</p><p>Trust doesn’t just grow in one day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. you're on your own

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to kickederenjaeger for the first bit of hand-holding, and queeriarty for the beta!
> 
> Spoilers: The story follows directly onto the ending of A Choice With No Regrets (both the manga and the anime, I use a mix of both in this fic). Spoilers up to episode 13 of the anime, and references to Levi's backstory from issue 57 on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for grief, trauma/PTSD, reference to canon deaths, graphic violence.

When they come back, everyone stares. At him.

 _Five_ , someone whispers.

 _Five at once_.

 _All on his own_.

Nothing about the new formation, or the failure, or the deaths. Just him.

Levi digs his nails into the palm of his hand and keeps his face closed-off as he swings down from his horse. Can’t let them see. Can’t let them affect him.

At least they’re clever enough to leave him alone.

As the rest of the squad dismounts, Levi slips away quietly to the sleeping quarters. Nobody is there, so nobody asks him awkward questions while he gathers his things and puts them back into the bag he took with him when he first came here.

That done, he sneaks out again. He finds a building near the walls of the HQ, grapples onto the roof, and lands lightly.

The stars are coming out. The rain has finally stopped. He tips his head back. 

 _I pledge my strength to humanity_.

Nice words, when you’re standing knee-deep in Titan corpse, blood staining your hands and the taste for revenge burning sour in your throat.

But bullshit, once that rage has cooled down.

He’ll go back. Find Lobov in prison and cut his throat, make him pay, and then… Well, he can just go back to what he did before, organizing and leading the heists and thefts, only without –

And without this fucking _gear_.

He struggles with the straps of the harness, fingers slick with blood and rain slipping on the buckles, until he loses patience and rips them off. If he hadn’t fucking stolen them in the first place, if he’d been content with staying in the dirt and mud like the rest of the Underground rats, if he hadn’t been so fucking _ambitious_ –

“What are you doing?”

Levi whirls. Like before, Erwin has appeared out of nowhere without Levi even noticing. Fuck knows how he does it; Levi hasn’t had anyone sneak up on him like that in years, if not decades.

“I’m quitting,” Levi says, fighting to keep his voice cold and calm.

The blond fuckwit doesn’t move a muscle. “You can’t.”

“Why not?” Levi tears the harness off and throws it down. He’ll go down the old way, the hard way. No more fucking _tricks_ for him.

“It’s desertion.”

Levi throws him a disgusted look. “I joined under false pretences. This whole damn thing was a fucking farce, and you know it. A clever little plan designed by the higher-ups. And it’s done now, so I can fuck off back to where I came from, can’t I?”

“No.”

“No?” Levi repeats, mocking.

“You joined up,” the captain continues.  “There’s no way to quit the Corps, other than death. The reasons why you joined don’t matter anymore. You cannot leave.”

“Watch me.” Levi spits on the roof tiles. “You think I’ll let a fucking law stop me?”

“It’s not about a law. If you try to leave, we’ll hunt you down and drag you back. And we’ll find you, you know that. You’re good, Levi, but not that good.”

Levi turns away in disgust. He’s right, Erwin, he _would_ be able to track Levi down again. Which means he’s fucking trapped, nowhere to go, nowhere to run to, and it’s – “I _refuse_.”

“You refuse what?”

“This. All of this.” Levi waves his hand over the barracks. “The fucking uniform, the fucking 3D gear, the fucking orders. You. _Them_.”

“You swore to me – ”

“I’m a thug,” he sneers. “No honor among thieves, _Captain_. Everyone knows that.”

“So you don’t want your revenge?”

Levi glares up at the captain’s fucking _infuriating_ face. “Don’t.”

“Stay here and you can keep killing them, the monsters that took your friends. Can you really go back to being just an Underground thug, now you know about them? And what you can do?”

Levi locks his jaw and stares, stubbornly. Levi’s stare has been known to stop criminals in their paths, to make Military Police rethink their orders, but Erwin doesn’t even budge.

“You’ve seen the world for what it’s really like,” the captain continues. “I trust you won’t turn away from it again.” He reaches as if to touch and Levi flinches away, violently. 

“Get the fuck off me,” he hisses.

Erwin takes a step back and raises his hand – still bandaged – in something that could be an apology, or a defense, or the first move of an attack. “Stay on, Levi,” he says, unperturbed. “You’re needed here.”

And then he leaves.

***

Of course Levi stays on. It’s not like he’s got a fucking choice, is it?

***

He might have joined up, but that doesn’t mean he’s suddenly fucking braindead. He survived in the Underground – no, he fucking _thrived_ in the Underground by using his mind, by always planning and thinking up contingency plans and trusting his instincts, his gut feeling, and he’s not about to just let that slide. Especially not simply because some stupid shithead thinks they know better just because they've got an extra stripe on their sleeve.

Unfortunately, the shitheads don’t share his opinion. He gets punished pretty much constantly, for disobedience, disrespecting authority, endangering his squad, a whole slew of pretty words all meaning the same thing: _not listening_.

Not that the punishments are very effective. What’s a cut in rations to someone who still vividly remembers wolfing down a piece of moldy bread after weeks without food? Why would he be bothered by lack of sleep if night-long stakeouts are second nature to him? And pain, well, pain has been a companion since he was a born. It’s hardly going to stop him.

The only thing he really dislikes is shoveling shit in the stables. The stink hangs in his clothes and it’s impossible to get properly clean after that. But there’s only so much shit to shovel, and not even the collective dungheap of all the Survey Corps’ horses is enough to keep him busy for all his punishments.

Levi disobeys a _lot_.

Eventually they just seem to give up. After all, the only thing they could do to actually punish him would be to stop him going out, on expedition.

But even they aren’t stupid enough to do that.

***

“You must have a low center of gravity.”

“You calling me short?” Levi says, without even turning to look.

“Well, yeah,” Hange says cheerfully. “Because you are.” They fall into step beside him. “That has to be why you can spin in the air so quickly. You know, air resistance, that sort of thing. Or maybe you don’t know. Want me to explain some basic physics to you, Levi? Ooh, please say yes!”

Hange is… confusing. They don’t react like the others, don’t back off. They just keep up their cheerful personable manner even when he’s snarling at them.

“Anyway,” they continue cheerfully, “it’s not much use to us, unless we start recruiting only short people. Or cut off people’s legs. But about that reverse grip – ”

“No,” he says curtly.

“Oh, come on, it looks really interesting! I just want to – ”

He opens the door to the main building and glares at them. “I don’t care what you want. Fuck off.”

They bounce, grinning, undeterred. “Ooh, are you being hauled in front of the captain again?”

He closes the door onto their disturbingly eager face without replying, then goes up the stairs to the first floor. The soles of his boots squeak on the tiles. He’s leaving dirt traces, but the floor was already pretty dirty to start with. They don’t care much about cleanliness, the Corps as a whole.

The captain’s room is the second to last, the only one that clearly overlooks the courtyard beneath, offering a perfect vantage point. No doubt it was chosen for that exact reason. If it’d been Levi, he’d’ve chosen the same room.

He doesn’t bother knocking. He just shoves the door open, gets inside, and leans back against it. If he’s blocking the only exit to the room, well, yeah, he fucking is. You don’t just forget instincts that have been bred into you for several decades, and anyway, the good captain can use the reminder he’s not the only with power here.

“Well?” Levi says, raising his eyebrows.

Captain fuckhead calmly keeps writing his papers, completely ignoring Levi.

“No? Nothing? Latour told me you wanted to talk to me, but – ”

“Why,” the captain says, not looking up from his papers, “did I receive a report from Squad Leader Hanssen that you ignored her direct orders during the latest expedition, multiple times, and endangered the entire squad by going in exactly the opposite direction you were told to?”

“Oh, is that what she said happened?”

Finally, Captain high-and-mighty deigns to raise his arrogant fucking head, and whatever he was intending to say gets interrupted by a frown. “What happened to your face?”

Levi touches his cheek.

Without Farlan to hold him back, he has no reason to avoid fights. And fights are plenty. Many of the soldiers are of the opinion Levi’s punishments aren’t going far enough, and they’re more than happy to take matters into their own hands.

Military implicit code demands that he denies that, says something like _cut myself shaving_ or _fell down some stairs_.

Levi calmly meets the Captain’s eyes and says, “Even I can’t fight off six people at once without a scratch.”

Erwin rubs his forehead, irritation showing through the unflappable mask for once. “Right. Never mind. You implied Squad Leader Hanssen isn’t telling the whole truth, so, what’s your version of the events?”

Levi shrugs. “I saw an opportunity. It’s not my fault Hanssen was too busy shitting her pants to see it as well.”

“This was a recon mission. Your objective was to avoid, not to engage.”

“I took initiative.” Levi gives him a tiny smile. “Three more dead Titans, that can only be a good thing in your book, right?”

The captain leans back. “You disobeyed your superior officer. _Again_.”

Levi stubbornly keeps eye contact. “And?”

“You are no longer in a criminal crew, Levi. This is the military, and you _will_ obey rank.”

“Or what?” He curls his lip in disgust. “You’ll cut my rations? Take my bed away?”

The captain leans forward again and shuffles his papers, breaking eye contact. “You’ll obey, or I’m relegating you to training new recruits. Learn to be part of a team. That’s an order.”

“An order?” Levi asks softly.

The captain looks up.

“Like you _ordered_ me to join the Corps?” Levi continues, tasting mud on the back of his tongue.

Erwin says nothing.

Fury is boiling inside of him again and his fingers twitch, aching to reach for the knife he still carries in his boot. “Well,” he sneers, “unfortunately for you, the leverage you had back then is no longer in the picture. So fuck off.” He turns on his heel and strides to the door.

“Levi.”

He stops, but pointedly doesn’t look back. “What?”

“You still did very well, all things considered.”

He looks over his shoulder. “Is that a fucking joke?” he asks, disbelievingly.

Erwin shakes his head, serious as death. “It isn’t. Go back to the barracks and think about what I’ve said.”

“Fuck you,” Levi snarls, then stalks out.

***

His life divides itself into two neat parts, almost completely unconnected. There’s the time he spends behind the walls –  either those of the city or the ones of the outposts – which is the time when he feels empty, boiling over, where he growls and snaps at everyone daring to come close to him and which he spends either by training until he’s ready to drop, or by staring up at the sky and wrestling down his guilt, his anger, his grief.

That’s the part of his life where all he can do is hang on, survive, simply _breathe_ until it’s over. ‘Cause it does end, eventually, and there’s the other part, where he goes outside and the world spreads out before him and the target is in sight and everything makes _sense_.

He’s aware that for most people in the Corps, it’s the opposite. He doesn’t particularly care.

Two months in, and his kill count is only topped by the most experienced veterans. People try to corner him and make him tell them his secrets, but he just ignores them, insults them, or finds some other way to make them _go away_.

There are no secrets to his skills. There’s nothing he can put in words. There’s just the blades in his hands and the target in focus and the way he flies, free in a way he’s never anywhere else.

Three months in, and they start talking about him in hushed voices, making superstitious gestures as he passes by.

He doesn’t care what they think, but at least the fights quiet down a little.

***

“You should be in bed.”

Levi doesn’t open his eyes. “I thought you were a captain, not a fucking nanny.”

“What would you know of nannies?”

Levi cracks one eye open. “I know rich people have ‘em instead of mothers, and that’s all I need to know. What the hell are you doing here?”

The captain sits down next to him, as if he has any right to, as if they’re fucking _friends_. “I had a nanny.”

Levi snorts. “Figures.”

“My mother died shortly after I was born, so it was a necessity.”

Levi gives Erwin a look. He’s still looking calm, peaceful, as if he has random chats like this all the time. “Seriously, what the _fuck_ are you here for?”

“To check on you. Why are you here?”

“I like the stars.” He nods at the sky, clearly visible from this rooftop.

“Levi. Why aren’t you in the sleeping quarters?”

Levi closes his eyes again and folds his hands behind his head. “Horse shit.”

“Sorry?”

“Horse shit. On my mattress. They think it’s funny. Or justice, or some other stupid fucking nonsense.”

The captain stays silent. Well, he would: he likes presenting the Corps as some kind of noble, brave company of heroes, and six-to-one beatings and stupid fucking bullying doesn’t match that image.

“Who were they?” Erwin asks eventually.

“Why, are you going to punish them? Why bother?”

“Because they broke the rules,” the captain says. And he actually sounds earnest. Is it all just an elaborate act, or does he genuinely believe everything he says?

“It’ll just piss off the rest of 'em. I don’t care either way, but if you think punishing them is going to end it, you’re even more fucking naïve than I thought.”

Silence, again. Levi keeps his eyes closed. Erwin isn’t moving, but Levi can hear his breath, feel his body heat, that sense of nearness, Erwin’s knee somewhere close to Levi’s elbow.

And then the captain sighs and shifts. He leaves without another word, which might be good. Another one of his fucking speeches about nobility and duty and comradeship and Levi would’ve been seriously tempted to shove him off the rooftop.

But then there’s a soft thump and Levi rolls up, hand on the knife in his boot. Wasn’t the bed enough, are they looking for some more fun?

But it’s just Erwin again. He throws something at Levi and he catches it on reflex. Something heavy, soft – a blanket?

“We leave on expedition tomorrow,” the captain says. “You’re in Latour’s squad.”

Levi shakes off his confusion. “Fuck that. Forget the squad, just let me – ”

“No. You’re part of a squad, Levi, whether you want to be or not. So try and listen.”

“I won’t. You know I won’t.”

“Make sure you’re well rested,” Erwin says, ignoring his words. “We need you in top form.”

And he drops off the roof again.

Levi stares at the space he left behind, the blanket still in his arms. For a second he really considers just throwing it after Erwin ‘cause _fuck_ him, and his fucking condescending paternal goodwill and that way he has of talking to Levi, like they’re equals, like Erwin is fucking _proud_ of him.

But it’s a cold night, and Levi has learned to grab comfort wherever he can, so he sucks it up and rolls himself into the blanket.

***

He hits the ground rolling, clothes steaming with evaporating Titan blood.

That’s one thing Titans have on humans: no mess.

He straightens up and discards the blunt blades, then checks the environment. The last one of the Titans topples to the ground in the distance, five people jumping down from its corpse. They’re finished here, then.

In the distance, two green flares shoot up in quick succession. _Reconvene_. Wise, considering how grey the sky looks.

Levi finds his horse and rides into the direction of the flares, falling into pace with other soldiers on his way. As usual, they’re eyeing him with something that isn’t quite awe, isn’t quite disgust, and don’t make any attempts to interact with him. Which suits him just fine.

He reaches the makeshift camp and swings down from his horse, then stretches his calf. He might have pulled the muscle going down, there’s a sharp pain bothering him there. Not that he’s about to share that with anyone. Baring a weakness is tantamount to suicide, and that goes just as much here as it had Underground.

The other soldiers find a place to dismount somewhere away from him. A few yards away Latour – Levi’s _superior officer_ , whose orders he ignored the second he spotted the eighteen-meter class in the horizon to go off after it on his own – is just done debriefing Captain Fuckface. As Levi watches, grimly amused, Erwin waves away Latour with obvious irritation. Suits him right, the incompetent bastard.

And then the captain’s eyes go to Levi. Erwin is _good_ at hiding any outward signs of his anger, but Levi is willing to bet that current look means the old bastard is – quietly, discreetly – furious.

He strides over to Levi, frowning deeply. Another telling-off, then. Levi only barely resists rolling his eyes, but it’s just – he really has fucking _better_ things to do than listening to stupid fucking speeches.

“Something up?” Levi asks when Erwin stops right in front of him, glowering.

“You disobeyed orders,” he says, voice low and clear.

“I took four of them down.” Levi curls his lip. “That’s what matters, isn’t it?”

“And in the process you nearly killed your squad.” Erwin grabs his arm, as if to shake sense into him. Levi pulls away.

“I told them to stay out of my way,” he says, irritated. “They were fine once they stopped interfering. And anyway, I saved someone’s life.”

“Ilse broke her arm when you pulled her away. She’ll be out of combat for weeks.”

“Not my responsibility,” Levi says blithely.

Erwin backhands him.

Levi bends double with the force of it, biting clean through his lip. He wipes the blood from his mouth and straightens up, furious.

He could do it, now. Take his knife, lunge, cut the bastard’s throat before anyone can react, then steal a horse. If he doesn’t run into any Titans, he can find somewhere to scale the wall, and then…

And then.

“How many times do I have to tell you?” Erwin says, almost but not quite shouting. “You _need to listen_.”

“And I told you,” Levi says, fighting to keep control, “I don’t work with others. I said I wasn’t going to listen and you put me in their team anyway. Seems to me you’re the one responsible.”

“Levi – ”

“Fuck off.” He wipes his bloody hand on his tunic and turns his back to Erwin. Another thing he isn’t supposed to do, disrespecting a superior officer like that. But it’s not like Erwin can do anything about it, can he?

Levi pulls his cloak closer around him, the back of his neck prickling.

Fuck him.

***

He can’t sleep.

Part of it is just survival instincts: going to sleep in the Underground without someone to watch your back is the number one way to wake up with all your valuables missing, or not to wake up at all. And even though he’s fairly sure the worst he risks here are more stupid pranks, there still isn’t a single thing about this whole fucking situation that reads as _safe_ to him.

He closes his eyes and leans back, tries again. He’s exhausted, the consequence of having to look over his shoulder all the time, be on his guard. Stupid trying to keep this up, maybe he should just…

Just drift off…

\- _a faint scream in the distance only mist and rain in front of his eyes hot blood spraying his face and it’s too late he has to run has to hide keep quiet don’t make a noise too late can't reach them can't -_

He jolts awake.

And that’s the _other_ reason why he can’t get any proper sleep.

He runs his hands over his face, then looks up. No one is looking in his direction. Good. He doesn’t want any of those fuckwits seeing him in a moment of weakness.

He gets up, cold sweat still clinging to him, and tries to walk the nightmare off.

Most of the camp is still up, and they’re… Over the last few months Levi has learned to read the group’s mood, and while often it’s just varying degrees of _depressed_ , right now they seem almost cheerful. People are talking quietly, there’s occasional laughter, and no one is sitting alone, in isolation.

Apart from Levi. Heads turn and voices whisper when he passes them, of course, but no one actually _talks_ to him.

He grits his teeth. He never really wanted to be part of a gang, a group, the way Farlan sometimes used to say he was, but it’s still annoying. All those happy friends, the companionship, all of it just reminds him that he doesn’t belong here, and that the only people he ever belonged with are dead.

He rubs his eyes in annoyance. He hasn’t got time to be sentimental. He’s only here because he’s got a job to do, and that’s all. They can keep their comradeship and shove it up their –

“Hey! Sewer rat!”

Levi doesn’t look up.

“Yeah, I’m talking to you. Have you apologized to Ilse yet?”

Levi is forced to a stop as the man in question blocks his path. He looks up through half-hooded eyes. “It’s her that should apologize to me.”

“What?” the guy says, scowling.

“If she had stayed put like I told her, she wouldn’t have interfered with my kill.”

The guy’s eyes narrow. “I don’t care how good you’re supposed to be, you’re taking that back _now_.”

Levi easily sidesteps the punch aimed at him, then rams his elbow into the man’s exposed back and knees him in the stomach for good measure. The guy goes down face-first into the mud.

Around him, people gasp, staring at him with undisguised hostility. He looks their faces over, then beyond them. Erwin is watching him from the sidelines, expression unreadable, but not intervening in any way.

And suddenly Levi is sick to his _bones_ of all this.

He shoulders his way through the crowd, goes straight to the edge of the camp, and before anyone can stop him he’s on a horse and through the gate and out in the wide open outside.

Where things make sense.

***

He hasn’t been riding long before the sound of thundering hooves catches up with him. He glances over his shoulder – only one pursuer, blond hair clearly recognizable even in the dusty light of the full moon.

Levi turns back and urges his horse on, but Erwin is riding a fucking monster of a stallion, far stronger and faster than Levi’s little mare. Levi hasn’t got a chance of hell of outrunning him.

“Levi,” Erwin yells from behind him.

Levi executes a sharp turn and heads to the forest. Maybe there he can lose Erwin, if he can reach the trees, grapple on –

And suddenly he’s in the air, and then he’s landing hard on the ground. He rolls up to his feet, knife already out, before he even realizes what happened.

Erwin grappled the saddle straight from underneath his ass. Even Levi can appreciate the precision of that movement.

Erwin dismounts and steps closer, hands away from the blades at his sides. “Levi,” he says, and his usual mask is missing but Levi can’t read this new expression either.

Levi raises his knife. “Come closer and I’ll cut your fucking throat.”

“You won’t.”

“Won’t I?” he growls.

“No.” Erwin takes a step closer. “If you would, you would’ve done it any of the dozen opportunities that came before this one. You don’t want me dead.”

Levi narrows his eyes. “That’s where you’re fucking wrong.”

“Maybe,” Erwin says, calmly nodding as if he didn’t just agree with a death threat. “But at the very least you realize I need to stay alive.”

“What?” Levi tightens his grip on the knife.

“You’re smart enough to see that I’m the best chance we have against the Titans, right now. That no one else can take charge of the Survey Corps like I can, and that killing me would set us back like nothing else could.”

“Why should I care about that?”

“You can see that,” Erwin continues, ignoring Levi’s words. “But you don’t see your own role?”

Levi flips the knife. His heart is beating too quickly and he isn’t even sure why; certainly not because of the ride here, or because he’s wary of Erwin. He can take the bastard with one hand tied behind his back.

“You still ignore your responsibilities,” Erwin says. “Your team’s needs.”

“Fuck them.” Levi takes a step closer, knife still held out. “I’ve got nothing to do with those fucking shitheads. If they decide to risk their stupid fucking lives, then that’s their decision, but – ”

“Coward.”

Levi freezes. “What?”

“Coward,” the arrogant fucking _cunt_ says again.

“Shut your fucking mouth,” Levi says. His voice sounds calm. It’s the tone that people in the Underground quickly learned means _danger_ , the sort of tone that used to send people running for cover.

Erwin doesn’t even blink. His eyes are fixed on Levi, and when he opens his mouth again Levi _knows_ , he can taste it in the air – “Coward.”

Levi lunges. Erwin ducks just in time and catches Levi’s wrist. The pressure on his tendons forces him to drop the knife but he doesn’t need a weapon, not really. He drops and kicks out, and Erwin goes down. Levi immediately straddles him, grabs his shirtfront and punches him hard. Erwin doesn't even struggle.

Levi hauls Erwin up, one hand around his throat.  “You have _no fucking idea_ what I am,” he hisses.

“It doesn’t matter,” Erwin says, through the blood coating his mouth. “I only see what I see now, and that’s someone running away from their responsibility. If that’s not cowardice…”

Levi punches him again. “They’re _not my responsibility_ ,” he says, and his voice is too loud but he can’t stop, and underneath the tips of his fingers he feels the down of a lost bird and Isabel’s soft eyelids. “ _None of them are.”_

“All of them are.” Erwin breaks Levi’s grip and grabs his throat, then throws him down. Levi only has a second to scrabble in the mud and then Erwin is on him. The bastard is more than a head taller than him, and half his weight again; he hasn’t got a chance in hell of throwing him off.

He still tries, bucking violently against Erwin’s hold. It doesn’t give an inch.

“Your abilities make you responsible,” Erwin says, and finally he seems affected, breath too quick, eyes sharp. “Not just for your squadmates, but for the entirety of the human race. Your refusal to be part of our Corps is already costing lives, and they’re on your head.”

“ _Fuck_ you,” Levi spits. “If they want to die because of stupid choices, fine, but it’s got nothing to do with me.”

“Like Isabel and Farlan had nothing to – ”

“ _Don’t_ ,” Levi snaps, “say their names.” He tries to reach up, gouge the bastard’s eyes out, but Erwin pins him down before he can come anywhere close.

“Why not? They were members of the Corps, and therefore my responsibility as much as yours.”

“You don't – ”

“And your squad members are the same. Make the right decisions and they live; make the wrong decisions and – ”

“I _never wanted this_ ,” Levi yells.

Erwin leans back, releasing his grip on Levi’s arms. Levi immediately takes advantage and levers up, swinging them both around so he’s on top again and snatching the knife back from the mud. He puts the sharp edge underneath Erwin’s jaw.

“I’m responsible for no one,” Levi says. His voice is shaking. “Farlan and Isabel were the exceptions. And now they’re gone. There’s just me, and I’ll look after myself, and you and your entire fucking Corps can go fuck yourselves, for all I fucking care.”

Erwin slowly raises his hand to Levi’s wrist. “You know that’s not true.”

“Do I?”

Erwin gently pushes the blade away. For some reason, Levi lets him. “There is nothing more terrifying than being fully responsible for other people’s lives. It takes getting used to, the idea that – ”

“I’m not fucking scared,” Levi snarls.

“Then prove it.”

Levi gets up. Erwin stays on the ground, looking up at him.

Levi could kill him now, easily. Then run off with the two horses. He’d manage.

He slowly holds out his hand. Erwin watches it for a second, then takes Levi’s wrist. Levi pulls him up with ease.

“For a short guy, you’re pretty strong,” Erwin says, something that maybe, possibly, could be a smile on his torn bloodied lips.

“For a captain, you’re pretty stupid,” Levi shoots back.

Erwin whistles and the horses return.

They swing up without another word.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up (hopefully) sometime this week!


	2. those in charge don’t have any idea what they’re doing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for weird D/s undertones, reference to suicide, heavily implied emotional manipulation

The screams reach him even over the whistling of the wind in his ears.

Levi pulls the blunted blades from the Titan’s neck and balances on top of the falling beast, taking in the situation. Still two Titans alive, one of them being taken care of by about half a dozen soldiers, but the other has thrown off the two men attached to it and is turning to the rest of the squad.

“ _Get out_ ,” he yells as he jumps up and hooks his line into the charging Titan. The acceleration of the gear combined with the pull of the beast knocks the breath out of him, but he needs to be quick, ‘cause the squad has started running at Levi’s warning but the Titan is pursuing and it won’t be enough, not if –

He rolls and slams heavily into the thing’s shoulder, blades burying themselves deep into its flesh. Levi leaves them there, swings around and attaches new blades while flying through the air – no time to check on the rest, but he’s got the Titan’s attention now and that should work.

The thing swings at him. He ducks, dives underneath its arm and up and there, the nape, right in sight. He swings down low, then goes up, flips his sword, rolls himself into a ball and – _yes_.

Hot blood washes over him. He breaks his fall just in time to look up and see the thing topple down. Dead. Good.

He resheathes his blades and strides over to the squad. Most look alright, but there’s one down.

“What the _fuck_ were you thinking?” Strauss yells at him.

Levi ignores her and goes down on one knee next to the fallen soldier. They aren’t moving, their blonde hair matted with red. He carefully touches their shoulder, then rolls them over.

Dead eyes stare up at him.

He closes the eyelids, then stands up again, wiping his hand on his shirt.

“This is _your fucking fault_ ,” Strauss shouts behind him. “If you had listened, if you hadn’t fucking stormed off at the first fucking moment you could’ve helped her, you could have – ”

“ _Squad Leader!_ ”

They all turn around. Two more Titans are coming their way, arms swinging and those weird fucking grins on their faces.

“Levi! Get into formation!”

His horse has come back. Levi swings up and gallops off into the direction of the Titans. If he’s quick enough, they won’t even have reached the rest of the squad before he kills them.

“ _Levi!_ ” Strauss yells after him. He ignores her.

If he’s quick enough.

***

He blocks the door of the communal bathroom. Most of the others will still be too busy with dismounting and unloading and other stuff to bother with baths, but he doesn’t want to risk anyone walking in on him.

He grabs a sponge and undresses. His hands are shaking, now he’s in private and he doesn’t have to keep up his front. The dirt and blood and sweat are still sticking to his skin and he can’t get it all scrubbed off soon enough.

_\- dead eyes, the iron-smell of blood and his hands slick with it leaving traces everywhere he touches -_

He keeps scrubbing, frantically. It’s hurting his fingers but there isn’t much that doesn’t hurt, right now. There are still bits of pink and red and gristle stuck beneath his fingernails, the remains of his squadmates, and –

\- _the slaughterhouse-smell of blood and shit the steam of Titans the sickening crack as a skull breaks apart against the stone dead eyes staring up at him -_

\- he can’t get rid of it. He slams his fists against the wall. The pain flares up briefly, strong enough to drown out the rest, just for a second.

No point.

He puts his hands flat on the stone of the wall. Breathes out.

A knock on the door. He quickly dresses, then unblocks the door and strides out, face closed-off and eyes on nothing. Someone yells something at him but he keeps walking, doesn’t look back, doesn’t do anything ‘cause all he wants right now is to get away and -

“ _Levi_.”

Erwin. Levi forces himself to stop and turn.

“See?” Hanssen says, standing next to Erwin. “This is exactly what I mean, he didn’t even fucking _hear_ me.”

“He’s here now, isn’t he?” Erwin says mildly.

“Only because you told him to. Apart from you there’s no one he listens to, sir, I’m telling you - ”

“That’s enough,” Erwin says, and Hanssen shuts her mouth, looking annoyed.

Levi stares at them, dully, hoping they’ll hurry the fuck up because he’s starting to feel like he’s going to fucking _snap_ and bash someone’s face in any fucking second now.

“Levi,” Erwin says, in his strict-captain voice. “I want you in my office in…” And he trails off, his eyes going sharp.

Levi refuses to look away, even though it’s unnerving, the idea that Erwin can pick up on Levi’s mood, his discomfort.

“Tomorrow,” Erwin finishes. “At dawn. Dismissed.”

Levi is off before they can change their mind, Hanssen’s protesting a background noise until he turns the corner. He keeps going until he finds an isolated rooftop, and then he goes up.

Peace. Quiet. No one fucking _watching_ him.

He lies down on the roof tiles and stares at the evening sky, cloudy and grey.

_\- make the right decisions and they live; make the wrong decisions and they die -_

He closes his eyes, tries to block out the visions of dead faces and broken bloodied bodies. It used to be relatively easy, but these days...

Why can’t they just fucking _listen_ to him instead of ordering him around, thinking they know best? Why do they insist on playing stupid fucking power games when there are lives at stake? Because that’s all this whole fucking thing is, people wanting Levi to obey, like a mindless slave, like -

He clenches his jaw, almost shaking with frustration. There’s nothing he can do. He can’t fight back, not on this. He can’t stop it. He can’t run away from it, either.

He closes his eyes again and breathes in the fresh night air.

_\- dead eyes stare up at him the blood-shit-entrails stink heavy in the air and he’s too late, again -_

People die all the time. Levi knows that better than most. He can cope with it.

Doesn’t mean he won’t try his fucking hardest to prevent any death he can.

***

Being called to Erwin’s office has become a standard post-mission practice. It’s not one Levi enjoys. Not because Erwin’s anger or disappointment in any way bother him, just that having to stand there while someone lists out all the things he supposedly did wrong gets boring as shit after a while.

He usually copes by drifting off. Like now: instead of listening to Erwin’s speech he simply visualizes the latest attack, the way the Titan had reacted to that last blow, suddenly going faster than before. Was it saving energy? Or was it a feint? If it was a feint, that meant they had more strategic insight than he would –

“ _Levi_ ,” Erwin snaps.

Levi blinks and looks up from his thoughts. “Hm?”

“Are you – ” Erwin stops talking and lets out a frustrated hiss of breath.

“What crawled up your ass and died, then?” Levi says, faintly amused. It isn’t often he gets to see Erwin anything else than perfectly composed.

“I’ll tell you.” Erwin takes out a report. “Squad leader Strauss.” Another report. “Squad leader Latour.” And another, and another. “Hanssen, Castello, Eriksson...”

“Yes?” Levi asks impassively.

Erwin puts his hand flat on the pile of reports. “All of them have filed numerous complaints against you, noting your complete lack of obedience and utter impossibility to work with. They’re requesting your transfer - or, in one case, your slow and painful death.”

Levi shrugs. “Order them to accept me. Isn’t that how it works around here?”

“Levi – ”

“Anyway, there’s a solution for this.”

Erwin’s mouth goes thin. “I’m not making you an officer.”

It’s an argument that’s been going on for a while now. As far as Levi is concerned, it would be the only guaranteed way to solve this whole mess: give him equal rank to the squad leaders and he doesn’t have to bother about stupid orders or respect for superior officers. It would mean having his own squad to command, taking part in the meetings, getting to decide on missions and strategies… The perfect solution.

Unfortunately, Erwin doesn’t see it that way.

“How can I entrust you with a higher position when you’ve shown again and again you don’t take authority seriously?” Erwin asks.

“Maybe I would take my _superior officers_ more seriously if they didn’t fuck up all the time.”

“Why can’t you just – ” Again, Erwin breaks off, then sighs and rubs his forehead. “You _can_ obey. I know that. You’ve listened to me, you’ve…” He drops his hand.

Levi stays silent. Erwin keeps looking at him, calculating and cold, like he had when Levi 'd had his blade against his throat, or when he had Levi kneeling in the mud in front of him. Like he's trying to strip away Levi’s skin and see the way everything works underneath.

“So,” Erwin says, with something in his voice that makes Levi want to reach for his knife. “If I had a squad you could be part of…”

“You don’t,” Levi says, irritated.

“But if I had. Would you disobey me?”

"Would I need to?"

They stare at each other.

"You've listened to me before," Erwin says, slowly. "You respect me.”

Levi snorts. “I don’t respect you.”

“Then why do you listen to me, and not the others?”

“Because you’re the only who actually uses his fucking _head_.”

“The others are – "

“Idiots, for the most part,” Levi says, letting his contempt show plain and clear. “And half-insane with fear whenever there’s a Titan in sight.”

Erwin catches a sigh. “You need to learn to obey or you can’t function in the Corps.”

“I’m functioning fine. Do you want to know my kill count? I’m – ”

“ _Levi_.”

He stops talking, reluctantly. “What?”

“Are you going to listen, from now on?”

Levi glares at him, then slowly shakes his head. “I’d rather die than give up control to the likes of them.”

“Really.” Erwin goes back to his papers. “Then you give me no choice. Starting today, you’ll spend every waking and sleeping moment no more than ten feet away from me. Get your gear from the barracks.”

For one second Levi is too stunned to even talk. “What?” he manages.

“Call it a reverse restraining order. Since I appear to be the only person you can stomach listening to, the only solution here is to keep you close. Get your things, Levi. That’s an order.”

“And take it where?” he says sharply. “Your bedroom?”

“Yes.”

He stares at Erwin. Erwin calmly looks back.

“And if I don’t?” Levi says slowly.

“You’ll spend the rest of your time here shoveling manure in the recruits’ barracks.”

“You wouldn’t fucking _dare_.”

Erwin continues to stare, not a muscle moving in that cold wintry face.

And he would, wouldn’t he? Erwin would do fucking _anything_ if he thought it was for the greater good, no matter how insane. Even if it meant putting his best soldier behind the lines. But the idea of never being alone again, of constantly having to trail after Erwin like a lost puppy…

“And if I say that from now on, I’ll play nice with the fuckwits and listen to what they say – ” Levi tries.

“I wouldn’t believe you,” Erwin says, unmoved. “I gave you an order, Levi. Get your things, leave them in my bedroom, then report back here.”

“You – ”

“ _Now_.” And Erwin goes back to his papers, discussion closed.

The line of Levi’s knife, hidden by his boot, presses hard against his shin. All he’d need to do is reach down, while Erwin is distracted, take it and vault over the desk and one clean cut, and –

He strides out.

***

“Oh, look, it’s Captain Duck and the ugliest little duckling,” Hange squeals.

“Go die in a pile of steaming shit,” Levi shoots back, his step not faltering for one second.

“You say such charming things, Levi, no wonder you’re so popular!”

He’s already moving forward in attack before Erwin’s hand, hidden beneath Levi’s cloak, forcibly yanks him back by his shirt.

Levi uncurls his fist, breathes out, and - not for the first time today - resists the urge to punch Erwin in the face. It doesn’t matter. Nobody saw Erwin pulling him back like he’s a dog on a leash. And Hange can spout as much shit as they want, Levi is not going to give them the satisfaction of a reaction.

“When can I borrow him, Captain?” Hange asks brightly. “He promised me to show me that spinning attack he uses.”

“I fucking did not.”

“Sometime later, maybe,” Erwin says, unperturbed. “We need to go to a meeting now.”

“Well, Levi doesn’t, does he? I’m sure you can – ”

“I’m going, so Levi’s going. Another time, Hange.”

They sigh. “Yes, sir.”

Erwin nods at them and goes up the stairs. Levi follows after him, then looks over his shoulder.

Hange makes a kissy-face at him. They’re not the only one laughing him either: a lot of the soldiers milling around in the courtyard are looking distinctly amused.

Levi bites the inside of his cheek and follows Erwin to the corridor upstairs and the meeting room. They’re the last one there, Shadis and the other squad leaders already at the table.

“Brought your bulldog, Erwin?” Castello says, eyeing Levi with contempt.

Levi bares his teeth at the man and he scoots back on his chair with a disturbed expressed on his face.

“Is this wise?” Shadis asks, frowning. “Considering his past…”

“I’m not a spy,” Levi says coldly. “And even if I was, when would I report back, if I have Eyebrows here watching my every move?”

“I take full responsibility for Levi, sir,” Erwin says.

“Can’t he wait outside?” Shadis asks, eyeing Levi with almost palpable disgust.

“I did tell him he has to be within sight at all times, sir, and I’d prefer to keep my orders consistent. Allowing exceptions of any kind would set a potentially harmful precedent, don’t you agree?”

Shadis sighs and waves his hand. “Fine, fine. Let him stay. But if he starts talking about this to others…”

“He won’t.” Erwin sits down. Levi takes up position by his right shoulder and fights the desire to kill everyone in this fucking room.

“Let’s start, then. I hope you’ve all read the previous budget meeting’s report…”

***

Levi hates it more than he had expected. The lack of privacy he can manage; he’s had to share enough small spaces in his life to have developed ways to cope with it. The boredom of some parts is made up by the other more interesting parts, like the training or the discussions on strategy. Even the reactions of the rest of the Corps – surprised, mocking, suggestive – are manageable. He’s dealt with far worse insults.

But it’s the lack of _control_ that’s getting to him. It’s Erwin who decides what they’re doing, where they’re going, even when they eat. Levi has lost any semblance of agency.

It isn’t the kind of control he can ignore or fight against either. Orders on the field, well, that’s easy: they can shout all they want but they can’t stop him from attacking the way he wants. But here? What can he do? Run off, just to have Erwin drag him back? Try to sneak away, and – then what? Erwin would just wait until he showed up again. Hell, knowing Erwin he might even put Levi on an _actual_ leash after something like that. The only chance Levi has of breaking this thing is to leave the Corps altogether, and he…

He won’t.

So he trudges after Erwin like an ill-tempered shadow and obediently listens and obeys and seriously considers slitting his own throat just to have this damn thing _finished_. 

Erwin shifts in his chair. He looks up, briefly meets Levi’s eyes and gives him a quick, pained sort of smile, then returns his attention to Shadis.

”Moving on to the last item on our list now…”

And then there’s this, of course. It’s a cruel joke: finally allowing Levi to attend a meeting, the way he's wanted for ages, but without giving him any voice, any influence… Dangling his prize in front of him without actually _giving_ it. It’s a kind of sadism Levi wouldn’t have thought Erwin capable of.

Although the meeting isn't really what he expected it to be. Instead of businesslike and focused it's just dragging on and on, going nowhere. The decisions to be made are obvious, yet everyone keeps repeating the same arguments over and over again, dithering and trembling and terrified to actually put their foot down and fucking _decide_.

Levi glares down at Erwin. He’s sitting still, listening patiently, the occasional remarks he gives sounding calm and measured. The only thing that doesn’t fit the picture of serenity is the way he keep spinning his pencil, tapping the point against the table and making it dance between his long fingers.

“And that it’s for today,” Shadis says, at fucking last. Erwin’s shoulders relax almost imperceptibly. “Dismissed, everyone.”

Erwin gathers his papers and stands up. Levi falls into step at his shoulder, something that’s become a habit worryingly quickly. But it’s only being pragmatic. Levi’s stubbornness does know some limits and he’s not going to run in front of Erwin just out of spite.

“How the fuck you keep your patience I’ll never know,” Levi mutters once they’re outside, out of earshot of the rest.

“It’s for the good of the Corps,” Erwin says calmly, but there’s a tiny muscle twitching in his jaw that seems to suggest Captain Posterboy isn’t that fine with it either.

Levi snorts. “You could do all this in twenty minutes rather than four fucking hours.”

“Point taken.”

Levi almost trips over his own feet. “Did you just _agree_ with me?” he says, incredulously. “Are you feeling alright?”

The corners of Erwin’s mouth twitch up in a small smile. “Come along, now.”

Levi follows him. He has a sneaking suspicion that Erwin is purposely making his strides shorter than usual, so Levi can keep up with him without having to jog. A cruel dig, or thoughtfulness? Or both, ‘cause Erwin is nowhere near as fucking straightforward as he likes to appear.

_\- no one else can take charge of the Survey Corps like I can -_

Erwin. He’s ambitious, isn’t he? Not for ambition’s sake, all out of idealism. But idealists aren’t supposed ruthless scheming bastards the way Erwin can be. Like the way he wangled Levi’s recruitment into the Corps. Anyone else would’ve executed Levi on the spot, he knows that. If he has –

“Levi, sir!”

Levi stops in his tracks. A soldier skids to a halt in front of him, eyes wide. Levi braces himself for a fight – although no one would be stupid enough to start something with Erwin breathing down his neck, would they?

“Levi, sir,” the soldier squeaks, and ah, now Levi recognizes them. “I – I wanted to say thank you.”

Levi stares at them, fixedly, and the kid starts blushing and twitching. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Erwin pause and turn back.

“If it – if it hadn’t been for you, I would’ve been dead, sir.”

Erwin stops next to Levi, within touching distance, as if he’s preparing to drag Levi away again. “What’s going on, Karim?” Erwin asks.

The kid jumps and salutes, as if they only now noticed Erwin. “Captain!”

“Well?” Erwin looks between Karim and Levi, puzzled.

“I was just thanking Levi, sir.”

Erwin frowns. “Thanking him?”

“He saved me from death, sir,” the kid says eagerly. “He pulled me from a Titan’s mouth, just at the last second - I thought for sure I was dead. If it hadn’t been for him... ”

“When was this?” Erwin asks, still frowning. With Erwin’s eyebrows, it looks pretty impressive.

“Uh… The recon mission about a month ago, sir. Under Squad Leader Hanssen’s command.”

“I see.” Erwin nods, thoughtfully. “Dismissed, Karim.”

The kid sends Levi one last lovestruck look and hops it. Erwin turns to Levi, still frowning.

“What?” Levi says.

Erwin shakes his head and sets off again. Levi falls into step behind him.

“It wasn’t in the report,” Erwin says after a while.

“What was?”

“Your rescue.”

Levi shrugs. “Hanssen fucking detests me, I’m hardly surprised she forgot that little detail. And it’s not like it’s important, is it?”

Erwin turns his frown to Levi. Levi raises an eyebrow in return.

“Come on,” Erwin says after a moment of broody staring. “I need to check something in my office.”

***

Once in his office, Erwin takes out a huge pile of mission reports and starts skipping through them and dividing them into two piles. Levi takes up position next to the door and watches him, trying to unnerve him by staring. Not that it ever works; Erwin is possibly the most _unflappable_ bastard he’s ever met.

“Are you going to go through the entire backlog of reports?” Levi asks after a while. “Because if you have that much time to kill, I could think of better – ”

“Just those of the last two months. There.” He puts a file back, then turns his eyes to Levi.

Levi blinks. It’s not a look he’s used to. Erwin’s attitude towards Levi is generally a mixture of forced patience, restrained anger, and deep-running frustration, but this is… is something else.

Erwin leans forward. “Apparently, dozens of our men owe their life to you.”

“Do they, now.”

“Of course, in some cases they were only put in danger by the rashness of your actions in the first place, but still.” Erwin leans back and crosses his arms, still studying Levi. “You are capable of learning after all.”

Levi gives him a cool look. “No need to sound so surprised by it. You wouldn’t have recruited me if you thought I was an idiot, would you?”

“What happened to _they’re not my responsibility_?”

Levi’s mouth twitches. “They’re not. This isn’t about that.”

“Then what?”

“It’s _stupid_ , them dying like that. There’s no point to it. It’s wasteful.”

Erwin tilts his head.

“It’s – look.” Levi puts his hands on the desk, leaning in. “You said that the entire Corps would be happy to give up their life for the betterment of humanity, and yes, fine, sometimes deaths are necessary. But if you ask me, your men are a little too eager to die. You go on and on about doing everything to fight back, then cause deaths that could be prevented if you'd just think it through a little more. And it's not as if we’ve got lives to spare, is it?”

Erwin keeps studying him, his expression unreadable. Levi straightens up again. Has he said too much? But Erwin fucking asked, didn’t he? And it’s not like Levi revealed anything important, something that he should have kept secret.

And maybe, just maybe, what he said might make its way into Erwin’s thick skull and settle there and somehow lead to more caution in the future.

Erwin gets up. “Come on, inspection of the stables,” he says, apparently ignoring everything Levi just said.

Levi grits his teeth and follows Erwin outside.

Dick.

***

Being around Erwin all the time means, inevitably, that Levi learns a lot of things about the man, the kind of details that are usually the prerogative of intimate partners. He knows when Erwin goes to bed, when he gets up, how many of his nights are peaceful and how many disturbed by nightmares. He even knows how much time Erwin spends on the fucking privy.

He also learns about Erwin’s social life, not that there is much of one. Erwin hardly ever leaves the HQ, going out only on business - the man doesn't seem to have any acquaintances outside of the Corps. And even here... He might know every single last member of the Corps, but only two people seem to be his friends, in the sense that he spends the little downtime he has with them, and that they’re the only ones who don’t treat him like he’s a fucking deity.

Now, of course, they have to share that downtime with Levi. They both deal with Levi’s presence different ways. Mike, the one who almost captured him that first night, tends to either ignore Levi or treat him with a sort of curt professional politeness. Mette, on the other hand – blonde, motherly, cheerful – acts like Levi is there of his own free will, like he’s Erwin’s friend.

It’s weird. Both of them, the way they talk, and how Erwin genuinely doesn’t seem to mind Levi hanging around when he’s with his friends. Erwin takes the ten-feet rule deadly seriously, after all. He _never_ lets Levi out of his sight.

“Ooh, there’s tea,” Mette coos, reaching over the table. “Haven’t had any in forever– you want some, Levi? You’re a tea man, right?”

He shoves his cup forward and watches her pour. It unnerves him, people _knowing_ things about him, even if it’s something as innocuous as his drink preferences. Not that there’s anything he can do about it right now. Yet another fucking consequence of Erwin’s fucking rule.

“How come we have tea?” Mike asks. “Did the budget go up?”

“Not that I’m aware of,” Erwin says, flipping a page. Even here, at the dining table, he’s brought his documents. He never stops working – fuck, Levi suspects him of even taking his papers along to the privy to read while he shits, he’s that dedicated. “The global budget stays the same, it just depends on how they allocate it. Someone must have felt a craving.”

“So what’s suffered, then? What did they cut down on to afford tea?” Mette asks.

“Well, we did just go on an expedition,” Erwin says absently. “That always brings down the personnel costs.”

There’s a tense silence.

Erwin looks up from his documents. “What?”

“If that was a joke, Erwin, it was a sick one.” Mette shakes her head. “Although I shouldn’t be surprised. You always did have the blackest sense of humor.”

“Really?” Levi asks, before he can stop himself. He generally doesn’t get involved in their idle chat, but anything involving Captain Controlling Asshole’s past is too interesting to let pass.

Mette turns to him, grinning. “Oh, yeah. Wouldn’t say so when you look at him, would you? But he could disturb an entire class with just one bad joke.”

“It’s just seeing the reality of the situation,” Erwin says, sounding perfectly fucking reasonable.

“It’s creepy, that’s what is it, Erwin.”

Erwin shrugs and returns to his papers, idly tapping his pencil against the table.

He’s different around his friends. It’s subtle, but it’s there. Even here he’s stern and businesslike but there’s an edge, something relaxed, something about the way he chooses his words, less precise than other times…

Erwin shuffles his papers, runs his hand over his face with a sigh. His eyes meet Levi’s.

Levi doesn’t look down. So what if he’s caught staring? Maybe it’ll finally make Erwin uncomfortable, force him to realize exactly what it _means_ , having Levi close all the time. That it goes both ways.

But Erwin just returns to the look without any sign of unease.

"So the rumors aren't true, then? That the budget's been cut?" Mette asks.

"No." Erwin tears his eyes away from Levi. "Well, not yet, anyway. It's just hanging over our heads at this point, a threat for if we fail to perform."

" _Continue_ failing," Mike says.

"We're not failing," Erwin says, a little too sharply.

And _that's_ the difference here. If there was anyone else at this table he wouldn't have shown his frustration, but here he feels free to let his defenses down, in front of Mike and Mette. And Levi.

"We're not," Erwin repeats. "The death toll has lowered significantly and our kill count has gone up, ever since we've started using the new formation."

"And since Levi came on," Mike adds.

Levi blinks, but Erwin nods as if this is a generally accepted fact. "And that. The point is that we're doing much better than we were, say, a year ago."

"Still not good enough, though," Mette says. "I mean - a few less people die. So what? We're still not getting anywhere, are we? We're not learning anything new."

"We will. It's just a matter of time."

"And do the brass see it that way?"

There's a moment of silence. They're all looking tired, worried, frustrated. It's funny, really. Levi had never given the politics of the Corps much thought. He'd just assumed the orders came from the top and everyone hurried to obey them, and the thought that there's dissent, that the people lower on the ladder disagree with the higher-ups, that the brass almost actively sabotages the actual work... It seems absurd.

Erwin sighs and rubs his forehead. "Not really, no, but we won't let that stops us. I'll talk them over."

"Isn't that Shadis' job?" Levi asks, and there's another of those heavy silences.

"We're making progress," Erwin says, after a moment. Not answering the question. "Even the brass can't deny that. And as long as we don't lose that progress again, they can't touch us, or our budget." He stands up. "Come on, Levi. I need to be at a meeting in the city in half an hour. I'll see you tonight," he adds to the other two. Mike gives him a curt nod in return, but Mette has regained enough of her usual cheerfulness to give them both a wave.

"Try not to kill any of the brass, Levi," she says cheerfully. "They're really not worth it, you know."

Levi blinks, not sure how to reply.

"Levi?" Erwin asks over his shoulder.

Levi gives Mette a nod and hurries after Erwin.

***

_The sword handle slips from between his wet fingers and someone screams but he can’t see, the ground is sinking away beneath his feet and he can’t get there in time – run, Levi, keep quiet don’t make a noise don’t let them notice you but if he doesn’t move now he’ll be too late and he isn’t –_

Levi jolts awake.

A room. His bedroom.

He sits up and rubs his eyes, trying to dislodge the nightmare. Fuck, did he yell, did Erwin hear him? Just the idea of Captain Flawless knowing about his dreams is enough to make him feel sick. This is _private_.

But the door to his little side room is still closed.

He doesn’t _actually_ have to sleep at the foot of Erwin’s bed, the way Erwin had initially threatened him with. Instead, he got this small side room, barely more than a broomcloset but big enough to contain a chest of drawers and a small cot. It’s not exactly luxurious, but it’s clean, and a shitload more private than the communal sleeping quarters. If it wasn’t for all the other stuff, he’d almost be grateful he can sleep here instead of with the others.

Except he wouldn’t trade in his independence for all the peace and quiet in the world.

He moves closer to the door, then pauses. There are voices, muffled, Erwin’s deep familiar tones and another man, but he can’t pick out any words. He leans close against the door – which, unfortunately, is unlocked and squeaks open when his weight nudges against it.

Levi gives up on stealth and shoves the door further open. Erwin is leaning back against his desk, in his shirtsleeves, the morning light illuminating the dark circles underneath his eyes, and the other man turns out to be Mike.

They both look at him, Mike frowning in irritation, Erwin - Erwin just blank-faced and unreadable, as always.

“I’d offer you privacy,” Levi says lazily. “But there’s this _rule_ , you see.”

Mike gives Erwin a significant look, but Erwin just smiles and shakes his head. “Sorry, Mike. He’s got a point.”

“Just - consider it, alright?” Mike says. He grabs Erwin’s shoulder. “You know it’d be for the best.”

Erwin pats Mike’s arm. “I know. I just don’t think this is the way to do it.”

“It’s your decision.” Mike turns and even gives Levi a small nod before leaving the room.

Levi watches him go, amused. “For a man who tried to kill me the first time he met me, he sure is polite, isn’t he?”

“Mike doesn’t carry grudges.” Erwin straightens up and stretches. “Especially not when people have more than made up for past mistakes.”

Levi huffs. "Right. What was that all about?”

“He wants me to apply to the Military Board,” Erwin says casually. “Officially request to be made commander.”

Levi blinks in surprise. Not so much at the words – he knew from the start that Erwin is slated to be the next commander, as soon as Shadis steps back or gets sacked – but at the ease with which Erwin shares it. He isn't Erwin's fucking confidante, and it doesn't make any sense that Erwin is this relaxed about what is, in the end, pretty sensitive information.

Levi shakes off his unease. “And will you?”

“No.” Erwin puts on his jacket, still not really focusing on Levi. As if this is a casual conversation, about nothing much important. “It would just create a divide. I’ll wait for the right moment.”

“And when will that be?”

Erwin fixes his hair in the mirror. “I’ll know it when I see it.”

“Will you?”

Erwin doesn’t reply. Levi wanders over to the window and looks out. People are already gathering for the expedition today, just a handful, not the full force. Some recon thing or another - it had come up in the last meeting.

He’s itching to go down, join them outside… But, as was pointed out during the meeting, he’s not allowed to stray from Erwin’s side, and Erwin only joins the big expeditions these days. Which means Levi is going to spend his time staying inside watching Erwin do paperwork and maybe, if he’s lucky, training a little, while other men are risking their lives.

“You’re edgy today.”

Levi looks up, and only then notices he’s been idly kicking the wall. He stops and gestures over his shoulder at the courtyard. “Seems wrong, not joining them.”

“Hm?” Erwin turns to him. “Oh, the expedition. I forgot to tell you, didn’t I?”

“Tell me what?” Levi asks suspiciously.

“I’m going along as well. Here.” Erwin throws Levi his shirt - he almost fumbles the catch, too stunned to react. “Get dressed, the expedition leaves in an hour.”

“But - ” Levi pulls on his shirt and takes a moment to gather his thoughts. “I was _there_ at the meeting, they said - ”

“And the orders got changed." He checks his reflection in the mirror, then turns to Levi. “Come now. I still have to check the horses.”

Levi gets his jacket on and follows Erwin outside, struggling to contain his hope.

 _I’m going along_ , Erwin said. _I_ , not  _we._  Wouldn’t it be fucking _perfect_ if Erwin finally broke that damned rule only to keep him inside, locked up?

But he isn’t going to fucking beg for information.

They reach the stables. Erwin’s stallion whinnies when he comes close, recognizing its master. Even the fucking _horses_ love him.

Levi leans back against the wall, careful to avoid the dirt, and watches Erwin check his saddle.

“Well?” Erwin asks, a strange small smile on his face. “Aren’t you going to ask?”

Levi grits his teeth and keeps pointedly silent.

“No, I suppose you wouldn’t,” Erwin says, apparently to himself. “Too proud even for such a small thing.”

More silence. Levi continues glaring at Erwin’s back. It’s just another game, powerplay, denying him control and he’s fucked if he’s going to give Erwin the satisfaction of winning this one.

Erwin turns and gives Levi his full attention. “I could order you to stay here, you know.”

“And if you run into Titans and all get eaten, are you going to blame me as well for making you leave me behind?” Levi sneers.

"It's not about blame, Levi, it's about responsibility." Erwin pauses for a moment, then adds, “Which is why I’m taking you along in my squad.”

Levi breathes out in relief - too obvious, because Erwin’s smile broadens, the fucking _dickhead_. Levi turns on his heel and strides off.

“Where are you going?” Erwin asks.

Levi freezes, then turns back. “To my horse. What, you want me to ride on the back of yours?”

“You’re staying here until I’m done. Ten feet, Levi.”

He clenches his jaw. Punching Erwin in the face would not be a good idea right now. He’s only hours away from once again being in the open, he can behave for a bit longer.

“I don’t have to debrief you, do I?” Erwin asks, as he continues fussing over his horse. “The goal of the expedition is clear to you?”

 _No punching_. “No.”

Erwin looks over his shoulder at Levi, frowning. “You were there at the meeting.”

“I wasn’t really paying much attention.”

Erwin gives him a look that somehow comes across as disappointed - as if he thinks that'll influence Levi, make him feel sorry or embarrassed or anything, the fucking patronising idiot.

“Recon,” Erwin says, turning back to his horse. “I’ve been drawing up a new route, but the maps we’re basing them on are old, outdated. One of them shows an old fort about half a day’s ride from the walls, which could be useful for future expeditions, but we need to be sure it’s there before we can set out with the full force.”

“So that’s it?" Levi asks. "Go see if it’s there, then report back?”

“Yes. Seems superfluous, I suppose?" Erwin shrugs. "It’s better than arriving there with two hundred men only to find out our supposedly safe camp location doesn’t exist. Anyway, we’re only taking fifteen men.”

“ _Fifteen_?”

Erwin waves a hand, back still to Levi. “When it comes to Titans, the numbers don’t really matter that much.”

“Unless there’s a whole herd of them, and you have too little people to take them all at once,” Levi points out.

“Then we run.” Erwin saddles his horse. “For something as focused and specific as this mission, a smaller force can only be an advantage. Don’t you agree?”

“Since when do you care what I think?” Levi asks sharply.

Erwin throws him a quick look over his shoulder – amused, condescending. “You’ll ride at my side,” he says, turning back to tighten the straps on the saddle. “And I mean that literally.”

“Yes, _sir_.”

Erwin appears to ignore the sarcasm. He gives the saddle a pat, then turns to Levi and takes his shoulder. Levi fights hard not to throw the warm touch off.

“I need you to listen,” Erwin says earnestly. “Please, Levi. Will you do as I say?”

Levi nods, reluctantly.

Erwin squeezes his shoulder, then heads for the other side of the stables, where Levi’s horse is waiting. Levi walks behind him, glaring at Erwin’s back in silence.

It’s not like he really meant it, his promise. He would say anything as long as it means he gets to go outside again.

***

There’s no freedom like riding outside, beyond the walls, no other people around except his squad, nothing to hold him down. Levi breathes in the fresh, unpolluted air and for a few moments he can forget about everything and just focus on riding and taking in the unexplored wide world before them.

Then Erwin snaps at Levi for drifting off too far from his side and reality hits him again. Freedom, yes, but not really, not where it matters.

Levi takes up his position at Erwin's right hand again and gives the captain a surreptitious look. He's got his command-face on, cold and closed-off and calmly superior. Pretty different from the easy smile he'd had for Levi in the stables.

Levi had often wondered what it would be like, being in Erwin's squad. Entirely hypothetical question, 'cause Shadis never lets Erwin leave the center of the formation when they go out; Erwin hasn't been allowed to lead his own squad since he introduced the formation. It's a miracle Shadis has let his trusted right hand ride out all on his own.

Would Erwin have missed it? Would he be glad to be on the frontlines again, right in the middle of the action? If he is, he isn't showing it - but then again, Erwin hardly ever shows emotion when he's out in public. 

They ride on in silence, Levi obediently keeping close to Erwin.

He's likely to be a decent squad leader. Erwin is a pragmatist: ruthless, goal-driven, willing to do whatever it takes to get success. He won't cling to hierarchy or superiority or his fucking rank, not like the other squad leaders do. With a bit of luck he'll even see sense and give Levi free rein and - 

A tremble in the ground. Levi cocks his head, listens. There's something that could be a roar, somewhere still far away... He quickly looks at the rest of the squad. Mette and Erwin seem oblivious but Mike has raised his head, frowning, hand drifting to his blades.

"Did anyone...?" Mike asks.

"I heard it too," Levi says.

Erwin gives both of them a quick look, then raises his hand. The squads slow down, falling into a more widespread formation, scouting the horizon, until they find their quarry. Two Titans, clearly visible, less than a mile away. One of them raises its head as they come closer, apparently spotting them. No avoiding those.

Erwin gestures to the other squads and points at the distant Titans. The men turn their horses and ride off into the direction of the beasts.

Head-on.

Levi hisses in irritation and turns his horse, ready to take off after them – but then the reins are yanked from his hands.

“ _No_ ,” Erwin says.

Levi glares at him. “They’re going to _die_ like that. If I can take over, distract the one on the left, they’ll stand a chance. Now they’re just on a suicide mission.”

“They’re not,” Erwin says. “Look.”

Levi pulls away in irritation and tries to stand up in his stirrups, use his maneuver gear, but Erwin grabs his arm and pulls him forcibly back into the saddle.

“Is this your idea of learning?” Levi snarls. “Watching people die preventable deaths?”

“Just watch,” Erwin says patiently.

So Levi sits back, quietly fuming. If even Erwin has started playing this stupid fucking game now…

The two squads come within striking distance, and the beasts turn to them. Levi tries to harden himself, prepare for once again being the witness of preventable carnage -

_\- make the right decisions and they live; make the wrong decisions and they die -_

\- but then they break off. The two squads split into two directions, then in four, and the Titans seem too surprised to take immediate action. Even so, when one finally raises its foot to squash a soldier, another one at the back takes aim at its neck and pulls its attention away.

In fact, every time one of the beasts seem to focus on one person, the others find some way to distract them, until one of them finds their way onto its shoulder to cut through its neck.

The other one follows only a few minutes after.

“See?” Erwin says softly, his grip on Levi’s arm relaxing. “If you’d gone, you would have disturbed their attack plan, put them at risk.”

He pulls away from Erwin’s grasp. “You could have just _told_ me that.”

“Would you have listened?” Erwin asks, reasonably. “Or would you have been convinced you knew better anyway, that you on your own could do better than a squad of experienced veterans?”

“Well, maybe I could.” He glowers. “What if a third Titan had shown up? What if they were Aberrants? You couldn’t know - ”

“You can never know everything, Levi. That’s the point.” Erwin leans over and takes Levi’s shoulder, fingers digging into his flesh through the jacket. “The only choice is whether you only trust in your own skills, convinced that you know everything better – or you can trust in your companions, that _they_ know what they are doing. That’s the choice you have to make.”

Levi pulls away. “And why should I trust them?” he snaps. “These are the same fucking people that would gladly feed me to the dogs, if they thought they could get away with it.”

“They know how to control their personal feelings in battle. Unlike you.”

“I’m perfectly in control.”

“Are you?” Erwin asks, coldly.

Levi urges the horse on and rides ahead. Erwin doesn’t call him back.

He looks over his shoulder at the other two squads. If he’d gone in… Hell, it’s just two Titans, he could’ve taken them down easily, and probably quicker than the squads. Why should he listen? They don’t trust _him_ , do they? If they did, they would let him do more than just stay in formation like he’s just any old soldier, as if he -

He stops, squinting at the forest ahead. Something is rustling, but that could be anything, just…

Two trees bend back.

“ _Erwin_ ,” Levi yells, already standing up in his stirrups. The others come galloping on just as the Titans step out of the woods.

Three of them. Three _big_ ones.

It would be easy to just go after the nearest one, leave the squad behind. If he’s quick enough -

But he won’t be, not if the Titans are this close already. He looks over his shoulder, hands tight on his reins. If he goes for the first Titan now he’ll lose sight of the other two. He can’t take care of three Titans at once, not without running the risk of one of them going after the squad, so he’ll, they’ll have to...

Erwin pulls his horse to a stop next to Levi. He’s gone pale, but his voice is clear and loud. “Hange, Mike, Mette. We’ll take the two on the right. Levi, take the left – ”

They can’t take two Titans at once. Even they aren't that good. He gathers the reins, ready to gallop off and ignore Erwin’s orders, but -

“ _Two_ ,” Levi yells.

Erwin’s head snaps around, and for once the fury is clear. “Didn’t you listen to a fucking thing I just – ”

“I’m _asking_.”

Erwin’s mouth shuts abruptly.

“Give me the two on the left,” Levi says, struggling against the urge to just take off now. They might come after him to pull him back, and if they do that they’re all fucked, so if Erwin could just...

Erwin frowns, his eyes skipping over Levi’s face, but then he nods. “You heard him,” he says to the others. “We take the one on the right, leave the other two to Levi.”

They’re still shouting their _sirs_ when Levi is already up on his stirrups, measuring. He grapples onto the thing’s shoulder and flies up, easily. A quick roll in the air lands him on top of the Titan’s head, who seems too confused to fully grasp what’s happening.

Levi draws his swords, uses the back of the other Titan as an anchor point for the line, then dives down and slashes down hard at the thing’s neck. The nerves and bone separate beneath the sharp edges, and he can see the exact moment it dies, its body stiffening.

By then he’s already flying towards the other one. It’s bigger, and quicker, and clever enough to beat down Levi’s line, messing up his trajectory. He adjust and swings down underneath its elbow, then up again. If he hits the ground now he’ll lose his momentum, so he keeps moving, swinging from arm to arm. He must be like an annoying fly to the beast, which keeps swatting at him – and missing, obviously.

The Titan might be quick, but Levi is still quicker.

Out of the corner of his eye he can see the third Titan topple down, slowly. Levi detaches his hook, grapples onto the falling beast, and uses the momentum and the weight to get his line across the last remaining Titan, forcing it down.

Once it’s on its knees, it’s the work of seconds to cut through its neck.

He hops off and lands slightly too hard, necessitating a roll over his shoulder. He straightens up and scowls at his shirt – dirty, mud soaking in the fabric down to his skin. He dusts off the worst of it and raises his head again. Then almost does a double-take.

Erwin is staring at him, and it must be a _weird_ day for Captain Fuckface, because once again his usual unreadable expression is absent.

“What?” Levi snaps.

Erwin closes his mouth, which was hanging open, and – Oh, yeah, of course. Erwin hasn’t actually _seen_ Levi kill, has he? Heard about it, read the reports, saw the aftermath, but the act itself?

Levi sheathes his one remaining blade and goes back to his horse. “Don’t drool on your shirtfront, Erwin,” he says. “I’m the one who has to pick up your dirty laundry these days, remember?”

Erwin shakes himself and gets back on his horse. “Let’s keep going,” he yells, as the other squads come their way again.

Levi urges his horse on and falls back into position at Erwin’s right hand.

***

They find the fort they were looking for, and even manage to return to the HQ without encountering any other Titans. It’s a good day, especially by the Corps’ dreadful standards, and Erwin has that quiet subtle glow he has whenever things are going well.

“That was _so awesome_ ,” Hange squeals soon as they’re within the walls again. They seem to have a rule about constraining their weirder tendencies when on expedition, but once inside, those constraints apparently evaporate.

Levi swings down from his horse and obediently waits until Erwin is down as well, pointedly ignoring Hange’s enthusiasm.

“You were going _blurry_ with speed – how do you do that? And adjusting when your line was broken, how do you even see that quickly, spot the alternatives? Can you – ”

“Hange,” Erwin says, mildly.

They raise their hands. “Fine, fine. I’m just interested, Captain. Levi is a fascinating – ”

“He’s not a specimen to be studied, Hange. If he wants to cooperate in your research, he’ll let you know. Now go the barracks.”

They salute and head back, looking a bit dejected.

“I don’t need you protecting me,” Levi says sharply.

“I’m not, I’m – ” Erwin sighs. “You’re my responsibility, Levi, just as Hange is, and everyone else here. I’m just trying to do the best for everyone.”

“Really? How’s that working out for you?”

“Surprisingly well, so far.” He hands the reins of his horse to a soldier, then turns to face Levi. “Which reminds me: about today…”

“It wasn’t disobedience,” Levi says immediately. “I fucking _asked_ , you said it was fine, so don’t get all – ”

“You did well.”

Levi falters. And something must have shown on his face, because Erwin smiles, small and private. “Was it really that hard? To just ask?”

“It’s losing precious time,” Levi says irritably. “And if you had said no I would have gone in anyway.”

“So why did you bother to ask at all?” Erwin raises his eyebrows. “And before that, you listened when I told you not to interfere.”

“Only because you were holding me down.”

“You could’ve thrown me off without breaking a sweat.” He loses the smile. “You made a choice. One that turned out to be good. Really, Levi. I’m proud of you.”

“Fuck off,” Levi says.

Erwin simply smiles.

***

Nighttime is falling, and the Corps is settling down.

Levi, watching from the window in Erwin’s office and bored out of his mind, tries to stick names to as many men as he can. He isn’t particularly good at faces and he doesn’t really interact with anyone outside of battle, and it’s surprising that despite all that, there still aren’t many faces he can’t put a name to.

A rustle of paper makes him look up. “Finished?” he asks Erwin, trying not to let his hope show.

“Nowhere near,” Erwin replies, without even looking up from his papers.

Levi grits his teeth and sits down. If only he had something to do, but paperwork for Erwin inevitably means Levi can do nothing but sit at Erwin's feet like a fucking dog.

Once again, his thoughts start to drift.

It had been... _good_ , going into battle knowing what the rest of his squad was doing, and that they knew what he was doing as well. It made things easier. He didn’t have to worry about them interfering with his kills, didn’t need to constantly check up on them to see where they were, if they were in danger, if he needed to intervene…

All just because he took time to ask. And, more crucially, because Erwin listened. None of the other squad leaders would have. They all think he’s a jumped-up piece of shit, they would’ve laughed in his face if he tried to give them orders. So much for Erwin's wise advice.

He gets up and starts pacing, fingers twitching, aching for something to fucking _do_.

“Sit down, Levi,” Erwin says absently.

Levi ignores him and continues pacing, looking around the room. Just two days ago he’d spent a happy few hours cleaning up the room, dusting off the surfaces and scrubbing at the almost blackened windows, while Erwin watched him with increasing befuddlement. But the office hasn’t accumulated enough filth yet to justify another cleaning spree.

He sits down again, tips his head back, closes his eyes.

He'd been convinced the squads were riding to their deaths. Everything in him had screamed to go after them, to try limit the damage. And then they had survived, meaning his instincts were wrong. Or maybe he had known, in some way, because he can't think of any other reason why he'd let Erwin stop him from going after them. But what does that mean? That he can't trust his instincts anymore, that everyone is right and he needs to stop thinking for himself and just do as he's told?

But it were those instincts that had told him to make Erwin and his squad fight one Titan, not two. If he had just obeyed his orders then, they might all have died.

Levi rubs his forehead. It's like he can’t think straight, thoughts running together until it feels like he hasn't got any certainties left it all. It's unnerving, 'cause he's used to being clearheaded. He never dithered or kept turning thoughts over and over like Farlan used to do. If he had to make a decision he fucking made it, simple as that - and now here he is, fucking paralysed.  _Stuck_.

It would help if he had some privacy, someplace more peaceful, in the open air, and without Erwin’s quiet paper-shuffling presence scratching down Levi’s nerves. 

Maybe Erwin would even give him a few moments alone, if he asked for it. _Begged_ for it.

Levi glares at him. “Nearly done now?”

“No.” Erwin turns a page. “And stop asking, you’re not a child. I’ll tell you when I’m done.”

Levi curls his fingers into a fist. It would be so fucking easy, all he would need to do is pounce now with Erwin being distracted, cut his throat and make his way out before anyone can notice…

It’s an idle train of thought; he hasn’t seriously considered killing Erwin in a month or so. That doesn’t mean the image isn’t fucking tempting. Even now he catches himself planning it all out, how he’d take along some kind of proof, then just go back Underground and claim a reward somewhere and –

“Do you at least have a decent sheath for that thing?”

Levi freezes. His fingers were resting on the top of his boot, true, but the knife is invisible from the outside, how the fuck did he know? “What thing?”

“You risk cutting your own knee tendons if it dislodges during a fight,” Erwin says, in his calm _don’t-bullshit-me_ voice.

Levi stares at him, but when nothing else comes, he dips his fingers into his boot, pulls out the knife, and throws it to Erwin.

Erwin catches easily. He turns it around and gives it a shake. “Decent, but not perfect. I’ll have a word with our armorer tomorrow.”

“Oh, so you’re not confiscating it, are you?”

Erwin throws it back. “No,” he says. “I’m not. Don’t make me regret that decision.”

Levi slides his knife back into his boot, then sits back and closes his eyes. No, he doesn't really intend to kill Erwin, but fuck if it isn't satisfying to think about. At the very least it would stop this endless fucking patronising bullshit.

Levi opens his eyes and gives the folder-laden desk a derisive look. “How much longer are you still going to need? Because - ”

Erwin pinches the bridge of his nose, face a picture of exasperation. “Levi, this whole thing is enough of a pain without you nagging about it, alright?” He turns back to his documents and looks down at them with a deeply weary face.

Then he frowns and looks up. “I don’t suppose you…” he starts, then trails off.

“What?”

“Never mind. I shouldn’t ask – ”

“ _What_ , Erwin?” Levi asks, annoyed.

“Do you mind helping out? Just a little, I mean, not…”

Levi blinks. “You want me to do paperwork?”

“If you don’t mind.” Erwin smiles. “The sooner I’m done here, the sooner we can get to bed.”

Levi tilts his head. “I wouldn’t have a fucking clue where to start.”

“Summarization.” Erwin takes a heap of documents and puts them in a separate pile. “These are detailed reports of the last few missions. I need to have a summary of each one of them, just the important facts and numbers.”

Levi looks down at the pile. “Summarize.”

“Yes.”

“And what if I leave out important details? Or, I don’t know, make it too short, or…”

Erwin shrugs. “You’re smart enough to know what’s important and what’s irrelevant. But if you don’t feel up to it…”

Levi holds out his hand. Erwin gives him the documents.

Levi starts working.

***

_On the thirtieth of July at 3:15 pm, we left the city with ninety-two men. We rode for about an hour, when we -_

Levi frowns, then grabs another report and skims it. 

_July 30_

_3:15pm: we leave beyond the walls_

_5:15pm: first encounter w/ titans_

"They're an hour off," Levi says.

Erwin doesn't look up. "That often happens. Just - pick one. The most likely one."

"Does it really matter? Do we really have to know when they showed up?" _  
_

"Ask Hange, they're the numbers-cruncher these days. They can give an hour-long speech about the importance of accurate data. Life or death matter, according to them."

"Right." Levi racks his memories. Thirtieth of July, that was about two months ago...

He takes his report and scribbles down  _1,5 hours_ , then sighs and rubs his eyes. “Shouldn’t Shadis be doing this?” he asks.

“Yes, technically,” Erwin says absently. “But he’s delegated it to me. A Commander’s prerogative, I suppose.”

Levi looks up. There it is, shining through the propriety. That hint of irritation and mockery that keeps showing up when Erwin is talking about Shadis.

He isn't going to last long. Even with Erwin's reluctance to take over, at one point someone up there is going to look at those two standing next to eac other and realise which one is the best suited to leadership...

Levi goes back to his reports. There’s a tapping noise. Levi ignores it, as he ignores the sound of Erwin’s occasional sighs or the movements he makes, the shifting sounds as he changes position…

Levi glances up again. Erwin is leaning back in his chair and frowning at whatever is on his desk. Concentration, and frustration, and – when the hell did he get so good at reading Erwin’s facial expressions?

He returns to the reports, grits his teeth.

_Tap. Taptaptap. Taptaptaptap-_

“Can you fucking _stop that_?” Levi snaps.

Erwin raises his eyebrows but blessedly stops tapping his pencil. “Sorry,” he says casually.

“What is this all for, anyway?" Levi asks, with an irritated wave at the heaps of documents. "What’s the fucking _point_ of it all, aside from making us waste our time?”

Erwin shrugs. “Official business always needs paperwork. To show what we’re doing, prove that we’re important enough to be funded. Without that, we’re just a bunch of heavily armed aggressive weirdos with a bad case of wanderlust.”

“You mean you’re not?”

“Well, yes,” Erwin says, smiling. “But we’re not _just_ that. I hope.”

“The Weirdo Corps,” Levi sneers. “Full of murder-happy eccentrics and rejects too fucking insane for any of the other branches.”

Erwin sits up. “Where did that come from, then?”

“It’s…” Levi blinks, caught-out. The response had come mostly automatically, a rehash of the things they used to hear in the Underground. Just like the Military Police were corrupt evil bastards and the Garrison lazy idiots, so the Survey Corps had been the freaks, the mad ones fancying themselves heroes.

It’s weird, though, connecting that image to the Corps he knows now.

“That’s how you used to see us?” Erwin asks.

“Who says I don’t still do?”

Erwin gives a short bark of a laugh. “Good point.” Then he puts his papers aside and leans forward. “Are there many who share your opinion?” he asks. “I mean…What do they think of us? The people?”

“Depends on who you ask,” Levi says, eyeing Erwin cautiously. “Some think you’re heroes, some just a waste of taxpayer’s money. Most just think you’re suicidal maniacs who only occasionally do something useful.”

“We.”

“What?”

“ _We_ , not _you_.” Erwin gives him a wry smile. “You’re one of the suicidal maniacs now as well, you know.”

Levi huffs.

“Not that I don’t understand where that idea comes from.” Erwin leans back, eyes closed. “We need results. But for results, we need investments, money, and for money we need the approval of the people. And for that, we need – ”

“Results.” Levi leans against the desk, watching Erwin. It’s rare, seeing the captain speak his mind. Or what seems to be his mind; Erwin is a wily fucker, after all. “Doesn’t it drive you mad, having to consider what the idiots in the city think, having to depend on them? When they haven’t even fucking _seen_ a Titan?”

“Of course it does. But it’s necessary. Someone has to think about these things, and I’d rather it was me than someone else.”

Levi shrugs. “Throw ‘em all out the walls as Titan fodder and see how long they’ll doubt the necessity of the Survey Corps then.”

Erwin doesn’t reply. Levi gives him a quick look. He’s got that unreadable weird face on again. “What?” Levi asks defensively.

“Nothing. I’m going to bed.” He stands up. “Come along, then.”

Levi gets up. They go down the corridor together, the flames of the lamps flickering as they pass. The last stragglers have retired by now and it’s eerily silent, empty, abandoned. They could be alone in the building, for all the sound he hears.

Erwin holds the door open for Levi and Levi goes in, heading straight for the window. Erwin is watching him again, and it' s making him feel edgy, claustrophobic

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you sounded proud,” Erwin says.

“What?”

“The _necessity of the Survey Corps_. That’s what you said.”

He shrugs. “I never doubted that. Just the competence of the people in it.”

“Do you think I’m incompetent?”

“No, of course I don’t,” Levi says, which makes Erwin smile. Levi looks away, annoyed. “But the Survey Corps is more than just you.”

“Yes, but I trained most of the squad leaders myself. They deserve more credit than you give them, Levi.”

Levi huffs.

Erwin gives him a long look, then turns his back. “Give me a hand here, will you?”

Levi goes over, and despite himself, he smirks. It’s an endless source of amusement to him, that Erwin, due to his height and his muscular build, can’t get the harness off unassisted without a lot of undignified bending backwards and hopping about.

“Is that why you force us all to wear this thing from dawn til dusk?” Levi asks as he undoes a clasp. “So nobody sees that their captain can’t even dress himself?”

“It’s for safety.” Erwin glances at him. “The same reason you still sleep with another knife underneath your pillow.”

Levi freezes.

“We can never let our guard down, I suppose,” Erwin continues as he steps out of the harness. “Even when we’re -”

“ _How did you know that_?” 

Erwin's eyes go wide in surprise. "What?"

Levi grabs Erwin’s arm and twists him around, his other hand reaching for the knife in his boot. “How the _fuck_ do you know about the knife?" he snarls. "Have you been going through my stuff?” 

He doesn’t even have much, just the one bag stuffed away in a corner, but it has Farlan’s old necktie and one of Isabel’s hair ribbons and the thought of Erwin’s fucking paws all over that is –

“I didn’t, calm down.” Erwin carefully takes Levi’s wrist. “It was just an educated guess. Your pillow tinkles when you make your bed in the mornings.”

Levi pulls his hand away and turns his back to Erwin, fingers pulling at his harness. He’s too angry, and it’s stupid to let Erwin rile him like this, but it’s…

“I wouldn’t go through your things without your permission, Levi,” Erwin says, seriously.

“Why not?" Levi asks, bitterly. "Why would you care about my permission?”

“Of course I care," Erwin says. "I'm not a tyrant, Levi."

“That would sound a lot more convincing if you hadn't just ripped away every fucking shred of independence from me.” Levi glares at Erwin over his shoulder.

Erwin smiles. “Isn’t that a bit exaggerated?”

 _Exaggerated_. 

Levi whirls on him. “Is this a fucking _game_ to you?” he chokes out. “Are you enjoying this? Getting some sick kind of kick out of it?”

Erin's smile fades. “It’s not - ”

“I play along, alright? So the least you could do is take it _fucking_ seriously.”

Erwin stays silent. Levi makes a disgusted sound and takes off his harness. He sits down to unstrap his boots, feeling Erwin’s gaze heavy on his nape.

“I’m not doing this for my own enjoyment, Levi,” Erwin says, after a while.

Levi doesn’t reply. He knows that, after all. Erwin is a lot of things but he isn’t a sadist, nor is he actually cruel. His insistence on trying to break Levi in like he’s a rebellious horse is entirely selfless.

As if that makes it in any way better.

“I know this is… _hard_ on you,” Erwin says, slowly. “And if I had any other way to - but I don’t. I’m sorry.”

Levi glances up. “How long are you still going to keep this up?”

“As long as necessary.”

Levi pulls off his boot. “Until you’ve got me tamed, you mean?”

Erwin looks down at him, something sharp in his eyes. “I mean it, you know,” he says slowly.

“What?”

“That you do well. Every time I say it. I didn’t…” Erwin smiles, a little ruefully. “I was impressed with you from the moment I first saw you, stealing in the streets, but it wasn’t until I actually saw you take a Titan down, that I realized…” He trails off.

“How good I was?” Levi sneers. “Then why did you let me stay on, if you didn’t believe – ”

“I’m not just talking about your skills, Levi,” Erwin says, seriously. “I mean _you_.”

Levi huffs. “You think I give a fuck about what you think of me?”

“Don’t you?”

“No.”

Erwin crosses his arms and keeps watching him, patient and appreciative and fucking _clever_ , beneath all that well-meaning noble earnestness.

“Night,” Levi says curly, then goes to his little room.

***

He doesn’t sleep well, that night.

***

The Corps at mid-morning is a hub of activity. The tinkle of the armourers, the shouts at the training grounds, the horses…

It’s weirdly enjoyable, seeing it all. After a lifetime of the chaos Underground this strict organisation is something Levi still isn’t used to. Restricting, yeah, but also… The Corps works like a well-oiled machine, every part aligned with the others. Efficient, clean. Powerful.

Mike gives them a wave and they go over to the training grounds. Mette is training her squad, mostly through yelling insults and orders at them as they work through maneuvers.

Erwin starts chatting with Mike, but Levi isn’t concentrating. Mette’s squad are practicing some kind of complicated attack pattern, where they all swing around together but somehow don’t cross lines or hit each other. It takes him a while before he can see the pattern, the way they signal their moves to each other - but even so, they seem to be aware of each other’s movements without needing to be told.

“Impressive, isn’t it?” Erwin says.

“Hm?”

“The manoeuvers. Took them months to get them perfected.”

He looks up at Erwin. “How do they know what they’re all doing?”

“They know each other,” Erwin says, with a shrug. “That’s all, really. I can fight alongside Mike and know exactly how and when he’s going to react, just because we've fought side by side more times than I can count.”

“Likewise,” Mike adds.

“Must be handy,” Levi says, eyes back on the interweaving soldiers.

“It’s necessary. Unpredictability leads to mistakes, and confusion.”

Levi gives him a sharp look. “And what if a Titan starts spotting the patterns? Being unpredictable is - ”

_BANG_

He jumps about a foot and next to him, Erwin stumbles. “What the hell…?” Erwin says.

“Hange,” Levi says darkly.

They exchange a look.

Hange had been the subject of last week’s meeting. Shadis doesn’t approve of Hange and their innovative ideas. Erwin does. It had been interesting seeing the two lock antlers, with Erwin still pretending his hardest that he respected Shadis as a leader and would obey any order he was given even while disagreeing with almost every word Shadis said. It was a fucking farce: everyone in the room knew that it’s Erwin who calls the shots these days. And the end result, as always, had been Erwin coming out on top. Hange got their research budget the same day.

Erwin frowns. “We should probably go take a look, just in case. Coming?”

“As if I have any choice,” Levi says.

“If you’re not interested in seeing what they’ve been up to…”

“Of course I want to know, it’s _Hange_. For all we know they’ve turned into a Titan themself.”

“Let’s go, then.” He turns and Levi follows.

_If you're not interested._

Erwin has been doing that a lot, lately. Asking for Levi's input, leaving decisions to him, giving him a little freedom again. Could be just some kind of ploy, or a cruel game, but... It doesn't make  _sense_. 

From the start, Levi had been assuming that Erwin's fucking ten-feet rule was about obedience. All he had to do was obey the orders, let Erwin he had broken down Levi’s resistance, and as long as he kept playing along and pretended to be a good boy Erwin would eventually give in. And now they’re six weeks in and Levi has obeyed almost every single order he was given and still Erwin doesn’t give any indication that he’s even _considering_ ending this punishment. 

It's not just about following orders. There's something more going on, something else besides just doing as he's told - but what? What does Erwin want, what's the point of all this if it's not about being obedient? 

And until he knows what Erwin is after he's got no way to end this.

Erwin pushes open the door to Hange’s new shed and they go inside. Hange is dancing in the middle of the room, a youngish soldier next to them wringing his hands, and behind them three huge arrows are sticking into the wall of the shed, still quivering.

“Hange,” Erwin says.

Hange stops mid-dance move and grins. “Captain! It worked!”

“What worked, Hange?” Erwin asks, with that infinite patience required by anyone interacting with Hange for more than a minute.

“The cannons!"

"The what?"

Levi wanders over to the arrows and studies them, keeping half an ear on Hange’s explanation.

"The cannons I got from the Garrison guys? It’s taken _ages_ but I think I’ve got them modified now. Look!” Hange gestures at the arrows stuck in the wall. “And now imagine that wall is a Titan.”

Levi tries to pull one of the arrows out. It refuses to budge, even when he puts his foot against the wall and wrenches at it with all his strength.

“See?” Hange says, coming closer. “Solid.”

Levi gives up and stands back. “Are those normal arrows?”

“Uh, yeah?” Hange blinks. “Why?”

“Just thinking barbed arrows might be better.” He runs his hand over the thick wooden shaft. “You know the Titans will just pull these out, without any real damage. But if you make ‘em barbed, they’ll only damage themselves further pulling them out, so…”

Hange’s eyes go wide. That really should’ve been enough warning, but he reacts too late and suddenly Hange is bent down to his eye-level and their hands are on his face, squishing his cheeks. “That,” they whisper, “is an _awesome idea!”_

Levi winces at Hange’s shriek and pulls away from their grip, wiping his mouth. “Try that fucking shit with me again and I’ll shove one of those arrows up your ass,” he spits.

They ignore him. “Barbed arrows, why didn’t I think of that? That would be _perfect._ I’ll start right away...” And they rush off to the desk in the corner of the room.

Erwin clears his throat. “Hange?”

“Yes Erwin?”

“You might want to get those arrows out of the wall first,” Erwin points out, mildly.

“Oh, right.” They go back to the arrows and stand in front of them, one hand on their hip, the other scratching the back of their head. “Hmm…”

“I’ll leave you to it,” Erwin says. “Try not to blow up the entire shed, you’re in enough trouble with Shadis as it is.”

“Yeah, sure…” Hange says absently. Then they spin. “Oh, actually, there was something. Levi, I wanted to see that reverse hold you use.”

He clucks his tongue in impatience. “I told you I don’t have time to show - ”

“No, I know, no demonstrations. Just show me your hold, that won’t take long. Please?”

Levi looks at Erwin, who shrugs. _Up to you_.

Once again respecting Levi’s choice.

Levi shakes his head. “Fine.”

“Whoo! Great.” Hange rushes off and comes back with a hand grip and a full scabbard. Levi attaches a blade to the grip, weighs it in his hand, then flips it around.

Hange squints at his hand. “Okay. Just this hand, right? The other you hold normally? And then you… what, spin?”

“Yeah.” He glances aside. Erwin is leaning against the wall, arms crossed, watching them both with a strange smile.

“Hmm…” They peel back one of his fingers. “They aren’t designed to be held like this.”

Levi turns back to Hange. “So people keep telling me. I don’t let that stop me.”

“No, I just mean… Isn’t it uncomfortable?” They prod at his knuckle. “You must get blisters.”

“Sometimes, yeah.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Erwin straighten up.

“Doesn’t that hurt?” Hange asks.

“A little. Nothing serious.”

“Still.” They take the grip from him and imitate his hold. “Huh. Weird. I was thinking about trying to design a new one, one that can be held both ways, what do you guys think?”

Levi glances at Erwin again. He’s watching Levi with an unusual amount of focus, but he seems to shake it off when Hange turns to him. “Sure,” Erwin says. “Just don’t spend too much time and resources on it. The priority is the wellbeing of the entire Corps, not just one man, remember?”

“Yeah, but the wellbeing of Levi and the wellbeing of the entire Corps is kinda the same thing these days, right?” They pat Levi's hand. “Don’t worry, I’ll fix it for you.”

“I’m not using anything you’ve designed without seeing it being tested first,” Levi says, flatly.

“Oh, come on, Levi.” They pull a wounded face. “Don’t you trust me?”

“No,” he says, with a little raise of his eyebrows, and then he turns and walks out, Erwin at his side.

They head back for the main building. Erwin stays quiet. He’s frowning a little, which means he’s either deep in thought or mildly pissed-off. Or both.

“Why didn’t you say?” Erwin asks, after a while.

Levi looks up. “What?”

“About the blisters.”

Levi frowns at him. “Why?”

“So someone could help?” Erwin says, looking surprised.

Levi shrugs, one-shouldered. “You would have just told me to stop doing it my own way.”

“Of course we wouldn’t, why - ”

“Don’t be a fucking idiot, Erwin, it doesn’t suit you.” Levi gives him a unimpressed look. “Everyone thought I was mad for using the blades the _wrong way_. What do you think they’d have said if I started complaining about it?”

Erwin shakes his head. “They would have listened, I hope. It would be petty and spiteful to - ”

“They would have laughed in my face.”

“Levi - " Erwin stops himself, then starts again. “Has it ever occurred to you that the people around you actually _want_ to work with you?”

“Yeah, right.” Levi huffs. “And the insults are just friendly banter, right?”

“You don’t exactly make it easy on others.”

“I’m not here to be _liked_.”

Erwin grabs Levi’s arm and spins him to face him. “Then what are you here for?” he asks, with unusual intensity.

“Killing Titans.” Levi glares up at Erwin. “I don’t need anyone else for that.”

“And you don’t think you might end up doing more damage with the aid of others, rather than just on your own?”

“Of course I - ”

“Do you have much experience leading a team, Levi? Coordinating an attack? Did the Underground - ”

“ _Don’t_ ,” Levi snaps.

Erwin stops talking and just looks at him for a while. Then he lets go of Levi’s arm and steps back. “Of course. I’m sorry.”

Levi stares at him.

“Come on,” Erwin says. “I need to have a word with the people at the stables. If it doesn’t take too long we can join Mike in training, if you feel like it?”

Levi trudges after him, completely bewildered.

 _If you feel like it_.

What the _hell_ is Erwin playing at? 

***

Levi had run off to a suddenly appearing Titan as soon as he’d spotted it, ignoring Hanssen’s order to stay with the rest of the squad. Then, just after he’d killed it, another two had rushed out of the forest, straight to the squad, and he’d been too far away to help out. If he had listened, if he had stayed in formation, maybe he could’ve protected them. They could’ve taken out those two together, then gone off after the third one without any casualties. Maybe.

_You can never know._

Before that, who was…? Castello. Levi had been ordered to take care of the Titan still farthest away from them, but instead he had gone for the closest one, protecting the rest of the squad. But they could have taken care of that one on their own, couldn’t they? Or at least distracted it while he made sure the other, farther one was dead already, so they didn’t have to deal with two at once…

It’s like his perspective has shifted. Squint, turn your head, and one shape clear as day suddenly turns into another.

It’s worrying. Maybe, if he had obeyed the orders he’d been given, he could’ve prevented deaths - but that would have meant ignoring his own instincts, the ones that had kept him alive in an environment actively out to kill him. Erwin had told him to use his abilities for humanity, to protect others. Wouldn't obeying orders without thinking be the exact opposite of that? What's the _point_ of him, if he just acts like a regular soldier? 

“Levi.”

He looks up from his brooding. The people in the room are getting up, and Erwin is standing in front of him, papers under his arm. Meeting finished, _finally_.

He nods and they leave, together.

The cold night is a relief after the stale tepid air inside. He breathes in, deeply, and tries to shake off the dark thoughts. Not that it works.

If only they could respect Levi’s skills, listen to him – but why would they? He’s just a piece of street scum in their eyes, disobeying not because of any decent reason but just because - what do they think of him? That he’s just being disobedient for the fun of it? And can he really still trust his instincts, ‘cause they turned out to be wrong at least once - _twice_ , so what -

Alright, maybe if he had done exactly as he was told, there would have been a few more people still alive. And a few others, alive now, would have died because the fucking squad leaders misjudged. They might have been doing this longer than Levi, but Levi’s got his own experience. He isn’t just any old soldier, for fuck’s sake. Why should he listen to them if…

 _\- you can never know everything_ -

He rubs his forehead. His thoughts have been going in endless circles, the same arguments and ideas returning over and over again, and he still can’t come to any conclusion. Nothing makes sense anymore.

“You alright?” Erwin asks.

“I’m fine,” Levi snaps.

“Alright.”

They keep walking in silence. It’s late enough that the streets are mostly empty, shops long closed and people safely inside their homes. It’s quiet, and strangely peaceful.

“What were you thinking about?” Erwin asks.

“Previous missions,” Levi says absently.

“What about them?”

“Just… re-evaluating.”

“Re-evaluating?”

“Yes.” He gives Erwin a dark look. “This doesn’t mean I suddenly agree with everything you said.”

Erwin smiles. “I assumed so, yes.”

They enter through the gates of the HQ. It’s late enough that there is no one left outside but the guards, and the peace comes as a welcome change. Erwin seems to spend all his time either surrounded by other people, or alone in his cramped office, busying himself with paperwork – which of course means that for the last two months, Levi hasn’t had a single moment of true peace, of calm. Not until now.

He stops and tilts his head back, taking in the starry sky, the infinity stretching out above them. It never stops being strangely calming.

"Levi,” Erwin says, walking in front of him. “Come along, let’s get inside.”

So much for peace and quiet, back to dancing to Erwin’s tune and being locked inside and - “Not your fucking office _again_.”

It’s out before he can stop it.

Erwin pauses and looks over his shoulder at Levi, _that_ face on. Levi curls his fingers into a fist – hitting him would solve nothing, _killing_ him would solve nothing. Let him look, if he wants. It’ll get him nothing.

“Alright,” Erwin says. “Where do you want to go?”

Levi stares at him for a while, and when Erwin doesn’t take it back, he jerks his chin at one of the rooftops. “Up there.”

“Sure.”

They go over to the building. Erwin easily scales the wall, then hauls Levi up, his palm rough and dry against Levi’s.

They settle down on the rooftop, side by side, Erwin leaving a few inches between them. Levi leans his arm on his knee and closes his eyes, breathing in the peace.

“Why always the rooftops?” Erwin asks after a while.

“Gives you oversight and makes you close to invisible.” Levi opens his eyes. “People down below don’t often look up.”

“Spoken like a strategist. But this isn’t a battlefield, Levi. No fights here.”

“Life is a battlefield,” Levi says. “You’re never truly safe, and thinking you are is a surefire way to get yourself killed.”

“That’s what you believe?”

Levi looks up at Erwin. “That’s what I _know_. Although I suppose it’s different when you live Above, where the only danger is, what? Tripping over a cobblestone and twisting your ankle?” He turns back to the view, the stars and the buildings in the distance. “If I tripped I risked getting my throat slit.”

“But _why_?” Erwin asks. “The Underground is brutal, I know that, but you make it sound like you were being actively hunted.”

“That’s ‘cause I – ” He breaks off, looks away. He doesn’t want to talk about this, especially not to Erwin, with his fucking way of getting Levi to open up even when he really should know fucking better by now.

“Because?” Erwin prompts.

“None of your fucking business,” Levi snaps, readying himself for another discussion, another fight or order or whatever Erwin calls it.

Instead, Erwin just sighs. “It’s fine, Levi. Keep your secrets.”

Levi stares at Erwin’s profile. “Sorry?”

“You don’t need to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

Levi continues to stare at him.

“Something wrong?” Erwin asks, seemingly genuinely concerned, and that’s, it’s -

“What do you _want,_ Erwin?” Levi yells, and Erwin does a startled double-take. “What the fuck is this all about, what - I’ve been playing along, haven’t I? Done everything you told me so why- ” He breaks off.

He can’t make any sense of this and unless he fucking catches up he’s going to have to trudge after Erwin forever and he _can’t_ deal with this, he’s had enough, he’s -

“Levi.”

Erwin’s hand on his shoulder.

“Calm down.”

Levi pulls away, forces himself to slow his breathing, get his control back, because he’s fucked if he’s going to let Erwin see him like this.

“Are you alright?” Erwin asks.

“Fucking _fine_.”

Erwin turns away, looking out over the HQ. Giving Levi privacy, and fuck him, fuck him for noticing, fuck him for being so fucking _considerate_.

Levi runs his hand over his face. He's still shaking.

“What do you think this is all about?” Erwin asks, after a while.

“Control. And you wanting me to give in to you.” He looks up from beneath his eyebrows. “Isn’t it?”

“No.”

“You said - you _said_ it, that this was to make me listen to others, so what’s, why, what do I have to - ” Levi forces himself to stop stammering and takes a deep breath. "You want me to obey.”

“No. No, it’s more than just that.” Erwin swings around so he’s facing Levi fully. “I don’t need you to give up all your control, Levi. I don’t even need you to trust me, not really, even though I…” He trails off, face thoughtful, then shakes himself. “But I don’t need your trust, not if you’re not willing to give it. All I need from you, all that this has ever been about, is that you learn to work with others, rather than against them. Or regardless of them.”

“For,” Levi says, watching Erwin carefully. “Not with. You want me to work _for_ people.”

“No. I fully respect your abilities and your judgment, and expect others to do the same. But in return, I need you to respect their judgement as well. You’re free to disagree, of course you are, as long as it doesn’t endanger people.”

“And if _they_ endanger – ”

“Then you bring it up with them. Or with me. We work out a compromise.” He leans forward. “We can only ever work as a Corps if we support each other, Levi. That’s the only option.”

Levi looks away, thoughts churning. It all sounds so reasonable – but of course it does, here, in the safety of the HQ and in the privacy of the rooftop. Once they’re out there, with Titans bearing down on them and the chaos of a fight –

Except last mission worked, didn’t it? Even with them throwing arguments around in the heat of battle. They survived. They all survived, and they wouldn’t have if he hadn’t listened to Erwin, or if Erwin hadn’t listened to him.

 _Working together._  Before his mind's eye he can see Mette's squad again, weaving patterns around each other without a hitch. And he still remembers the way he'd felt going into attack knowing exactly what everyone else was doing. The security in that.

"Do you really believe you’re the only one with sense?” Erwin asks.

Levi gives him a dark look. “I haven’t seen much to contradict it.”

“What’s the alternative, then?" Erwin raises his eyebrows. "Everyone to stay inside and you the only one allowed to go outside?”

“No, just that - that they listen to me.”

“They will, if it goes both ways. You can’t expect them to trust you when you ignore them, Levi.” Erwin leans forward, eyes sharp. Persuasive. “Rely on others like they can rely on you.”

“They’re not me.”

“And that makes them incompetent? Do you really think they won't listen to you, if you just discuss it with them beforehand instead of running off on your own?”

“I - ” He looks away. “I don’t know.”

Erwin gives him a long look, then stretches out on the rooftop and folds his hand behind his head, eyes closed.

Levi’s head is spinning. Working together - can it really be that simple? Does he need to do nothing but _ask_ and people will listen? It sounds stupid, absurd, but Erwin seemed pretty convinced, and Erwin’s word is law around here. If he tells them to... Would it work? If Levi was allowed to see the plans beforehand, or those attack patterns they had, if he could tell them what he saw when he was in a battle, the things he knew about weak spots and speed and technique, and what his own strengths are...

Could it work?

Next to him, Erwin sits up and pulls a paper from his pocket, folded many times and full of scribbled writing; Levi has seen Erwin mess around with it often before, but he never bothered to ask what it was.

Erwin flattens the papers out and looks down at it.

“What's that, then?” Levi asks. His voice sounds a little hoarse.

Erwin glances at him. “Interested?”

Levi nods.

“It’s a new formation.” Erwin slides the paper over at him.

Levi takes the page and gives it a look. It’s the formation they always use, the one that’s burnt into their collective memories, but with minute changes. Not just a plain circle this time, more a wedge, which makes sense.

“And?” Levi asks, with a quick look at Erwin.

“What do you think?”

For a second Levi feels unbalanced again, like the ground is shifting underneath his feet. He shakes it off. “Better, more effective. But…” He points at the front of the formation. “More danger for the positions on the outside.”

"That's the problem, yes."

Levi takes a closer look. Some of the names are filled in already – Hange, Mike, Mette, obviously – but some are still blank. Levi taps an empty spot on the far edge, the position most likely to spot and potentially engage with any enemies. “Who are you putting here?”

“Roberts.”

Levi looks up. “He’s an idiot. And this is crucial position, if you – ”

“I _know_ that, Levi. That’s what I've been trying to work on.” Erwin pinches the bridge of his nose. “This thing could work, it really could, but there are too many vital positions and I don’t have enough competent people to fill out all positions. If you – ” He stops himself.

Then looks up at Levi.

Fuck it.

“Put me there,” Levi says.

Erwin keeps studying him. There are dark circles under his eyes, and his permanently neat hair looks a little ruffled. He looks human, for once, normal and a little vulnerable - except for his eyes, fixed on Levi with an unnerving intensity. Levi lets him look.

Then Erwin nods, leans over to the plan at his right hand, and neatly writes _Levi_ on top of the tiny dot representing the scouting position.

After a moment, he adds _Lance Corporal_.

Levi’s mouth twitches. “This doesn’t mean you’re not still a bastard.”

“I know. Officers get private rooms, so you can have the one next to mine, _Corporal_.” Erwin gives him a sideways look. “Unless you’ve grown fond of sleeping in mine?”

“You know, keep that up and one day you might _actually_ be funny.”

“I try.”

“You don’t.”

Erwin smiles. “Let’s go back in.”

Levi goes down first, jumping and landing easily in the sand. He looks up. He can see nothing of Erwin but his silhouette, drawn against the background of a bright full moon. A perfect target.

He hold out his hand and helps Erwin down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter hopefully up in a week!


	3. be feared, or you're nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for, uh, Erwin being a terrifying bastard? and violence.

The light is falling in through the high dining hall window. When Levi first sat down, it was still across the room; now, it has reached their table.

“How long have they been in there now?” Levi asks, idly wiping away the stray crumbs left from the previous meal.

“Two hours,” Mette says. “That’s not that abnormal, is it?”

Mike makes a derisive sound. Levi goes back to his crumbs.

There's no one else in the dining hall; anyone who does come in gets promptly shooed out by Mette. It's just the three of them, sitting here waiting like it's a mission and they're on the rear guard, ready to come charging in at the slightest sign of help needed. He's half expecting a flare to go off any moment now.

A moment later loud footsteps echo through the hall. They all three look up sharply, only to sag back in disappointment when it turns out to be Hange.

“Nothing yet?” Mette asks as they sit down.

“No.” Hange shifts in their chair. “They were shouting.”

“ _Erwin_ was shouting?” Mike asks, surprised.

“What the hell is Shadis up to?” Mette leans back to peer into the hallway. “Erwin never shouts at superiors, he’s too clever for that.”

Levi snorts. Hange gives him a kick.

“If he’s shouting, it's gonna be bad.” Mike frowns. "More budget cuts? Orders from higher-up?"

"Yeah, but that's not Shadis' fault, is it?" Hange points out. "And it's him Erwin's yelling at, not the brass." They chew their lip. "I've never heard him this angry before. Well"- they gesture at Levi - "apart from when he was dealing with you, but, you know. You can drive anyone up the wall."

Levi raises his eyebrows.

"Maybe he's shouting about Levi?" Mike says. "Wouldn't be the first time."

Levi frowns. "When did Erwin - "

“Hold on,” Mette says, throwing up her hand to shush him. The bang of a thrown-open door reverberates through the hall, followed by loud footsteps.

Erwin. At last.

He comes striding straight to them, eyes ablaze. They all sit up straight – all except Levi, who keeps lounging comfortably in his chair.

“Lovers’ tiff?” Levi asks lazily when Erwin reaches them.

“You’ve been barred,” Erwin snaps.

Levi sits up abruptly. “What?”

“The next expedition. You’re forbidden to go with us. We’re not allowed to use the long-range formation either.”

“ _What_?” Hange gasps.

“That’s insanity,” Mike says. "Why would he - "

“Shadis is breaking down. He panicked. He’s…” Erwin shakes his head in frustration. “We had a solution and he’s throwing it all away because of his incompetence.”

“Kill him,” Levi says.

The others fall silent, staring at him.

“What, are you shocked?” Levi sneers. “All the corpses you’ve seen, the people you’ve sent to their deaths, and now you’re fucking squeamish? As long as Shadis is commander, people are going to die preventable deaths. So kill him.”

Erwin is the first who manages to reply. “And then what? That’s murder. The Military Police will be here in an instant, and that’s saying nothing of the political repercussions.”

Levi shrugs. “Then do it secretly. Feed him to a Titan, throw him off his horse.”

“We can’t.” Erwin turns away. “We’re leaving tomorrow before noon. Hange, Mike, Mette, spread the word and make sure the men are ready. Don’t tell them Levi’s not coming along,” he adds.

“Why not?” Levi says, with dark amusement. “They’ll be happy to be rid of me.”

Mike snorts. “Yeah, _right_.”

"Oh, come on." Levi leans forward. "They're just _dying_ to - "

“I don’t have time for this, Levi," Erwin cuts him off. He glares at the rest. “Well? Waiting for something?”

“Erwin – ”

“That was an _order_.”

Hange, Mike, and Mette disperse, looking distinctly unhappy. Levi stays where he is, even when Erwin side-eyes him.

“You know this is wrong,” Levi says.

“I know.” Erwin sits down heavily opposite Levi. “And I can’t do anything to prevent this. Not yet.”

“Not _yet_?”

Something crosses Erwin’s face, something dark and cold. Something Levi recognizes from a _very_ long time ago.

Levi shakes off his unease – it’s Erwin, goody-two-shoes noble-as-fuck Erwin. There’s nothing to worry about. “You have influence, don’t you?” he says. "So use it.”

“What do you think I just tried to do in there?” Erwin scowls. “I didn’t – ”

“You could’ve fucking _convinced_ Shadis to listen. The man’s a weakling, you should – ”

“This is not just my responsibility,” Erwin snaps. “You’re not innocent in this either, Levi.”

“Really?” Levi raises his eyebrow. “And how is it my fucking fault Shadis benched me?”

“You’re only being barred because he’s scared of you, because he thinks he can’t control you.”

“Well, he can’t, so – ”

Erwin slams his hand down on the table hard enough to make the plates judder. “Why can’t you just for once _play along_?” he grinds out.

“Because Shadis is an idiot and following him would get us all killed,” Levi replies coldly. “Don’t put this on me. There’s only one person responsible for this whole fucking mess-to-be and that’s him.”

Another strange look crosses Erwin’s face, as if he’s thinking about arguing, but then he stands up. “Either way," he says, back to his usual calm, "there’s nothing we can do right now. Behave while I’m gone, will you?”

“ _Behave_?”

“Don’t do anything that will draw too much attention to you.” Erwin rubs his forehead. The tiredness, the anger, whatever it is, is making him far more transparent than he usually is. “Your position here is still precarious. Technically the Military Police can come in here to drag you to court any time they please. So I mean it, Levi.” He gives Levi a look. “At least try to keep a low profile. I’m not coming back to find you gone.”

“I’m touched by your care.”

“Levi – ”

“ _Yes_ , fine, I’ll watch myself.” He cocks his head, studying Erwin. “If you do the same. Without the formation, it’s even more dangerous out there than usual.”

Erwin blinks. “Are you _worried_ about me?”

“Not looking forward to having some other idiot thinking he can lord it over me.” Levi stands up and gives Erwin a look. “Try not to die, it would be a waste.”

Erwin smiles. “I’ll try.”

***

HQ is boring as shit with the majority of the Corps gone. Levi spends all his time training, trying out new techniques on the practice targets, and even messing around with the blueprints of the formation, changing positions and drawing up potential scenarios. It keeps him busy for a while, but there’s only so much theory he can cope with. So he goes back to training, until he’s once again sick of that. Days pass and time crawls, agonizingly slowly.

But when the bells start clanging, it isn’t relief he feels. It’s too soon.

Something went wrong.

He’s under strict orders to stay inside, so he makes the effort to change into his old civilian clothes before sneaking out through the window. People are already coming out and lining the streets, as they always do when the bells start ringing. Levi makes his way to the main streets and blends in effortlessly into the crowds, a lifetime of practice put easily to use.

They’re being strange, though, the people. Silent and unmoving, rather than their usual cheering. Even they can sense something is off.

And then the troops come through the gate. There’s too few of them, far too few. Maybe some of them stayed behind and will arrive later? Surely they can’t all…

Levi ducks behind a tall man in the crowd, hiding, watching as dozens of soldiers trudge past. That's Hanssen, with her arm in a makeshift sling, and Ness, limping and leaning heavily on someone next to him - but where are the others?

“Commander Shadis, sir!” someone cries out, clearly audible in the eerie silence. “What happened?”

Shadis stops and stares at the watching crowds. The rest of the Corps stop as well, looking between Shadis and his audience, clutching their wounds, leaning on each other.

This is the moment where he should make a rousing speech, share words of confidence, the way Erwin has done in the past whenever an expedition turned bad. But Shadis… He just stares.

And then he says, clear enough for everyone to hear, “We failed.”

A shiver of shock goes through the crowds.

“We failed. The Titans, they’re… We’re losing. We’re useless. We’re – ” and Shadis breaks off, trembling.

Levi grits his teeth. It takes all he has just to stay still, not to get his knife out and impale the cowardly idiot’s back. What the _hell_ is he thinking?

Hanssen grabs Shadis’ shoulder and pushes him along. The Corps moves on, with slow trudging steps and eyes dropped to the ground, ignoring the jeering and insults from the crowd. Levi keeps tracking the soldiers. There’s Hange, Mike, and Mette - all battered and bruised but mostly alright - but where is…

And then he spots a familiar blond head and he breathes out.

Erwin notices Levi looking, as he always does. His face is completely closed off, showing nothing. No despondency, no determination, no shock - just blank. After only a second he looks back down.

Levi slips between the crowd and goes back to the HQ.

***

Levi falls into step at Erwin’s right shoulder as soon as he walks through the HQ’s front gates. Erwin doesn’t acknowledge him. He acknowledges nobody, just goes straight inside and up the stairs. Not that he’s the only one: almost everyone has the same haunted look in their eyes, the same hunched shoulders and shuffling step. Nobody is up for a chat.

It’s only when they’re safely inside Erwin’s bedroom that Levi speaks. “What the fuck happened?”

“Exactly as Shadis said. We failed.” Erwin sits down on the bed. “We were clustered too closely together. Each Titan we managed to bring down took at least half a dozen men with it. It was a slaughter.” He turns away. “Seventy-eight dead.”

Almost one third of their entire force.

“If you’d let me kill him this never would have happened,” Levi snaps.

Erwin looks up, with the same expressionless face he had when he’d entered the city. “I…”

“But instead you let your squeamishness, your fucking _principles_ stop you, and now people are dead for no fucking reason – are you proud of that? All because you – ”

But he can't finish, because Erwin has jumped up and grabbed Levi’s throat and slammed him into the wall. 

“Did you think that I’d hesitate even for a _second_ if I thought it would help?” Erwin yells, face contorted with fury. “That I wouldn’t break Shadis’ neck with my own bare hands if it was for the good of the Corps?”

Pain is shooting up where Levi’s shoulderblades hit the rough stone and Erwin's fingers are digging hard into his throat but he doesn't care, feels closer to laughing.  _F_ _inally_ he got some reaction out of the cold bastard. Who would've thought he had it in him?

Levi croaks, throat too constricted to speak. Erwin immediately lets go and takes a few steps back, looking slightly embarrassed by his outburst.

Levi straightens his collar. “Killing him would have only brought advantages," he says, voice slightly hoarse. "It would have prevented –”

“No.” Erwin looks up. “A mysterious death, less than a year after I brought in a known criminal, a wanted murderer? You’d hang before the trial even starts, even if you hadn’t done it. And I wouldn’t be made commander, not if they thought I had anything to do with it. They might even have seen it as another sign of the general problems with the Corps, use it to try and disband us. Do you see? The long-term consequences would have been disastrous.”

"And the short-term consequences?"

Erwin looks away again. Levi cocks his head and studies him. He's pale, exhausted, but wouldn't anyone be, after an ordeal like that? Even Erwin's seemingly endless reserves of mental strength must know some limits. 

That doesn't explain how miserable he looks, though. Erwin takes deaths and disaster in his stride, he always did. He doesn't lose his shit over it, no matter how badly Levi goads him. Not even when the deaths are that bad.

“There’s something else," Levi says.

Erwin blinks. “Sorry?”

“Don’t fuck with me, you’re hiding something.” Levi crosses his arms and locks eyes with Erwin. “So out with it.”

Erwin stares at him for a while, his hand fidgeting at his side. “I…” he starts, insecure and uneasy.

And then he shakes his head. “Even a catastrophe like this isn’t without its advantages,” he starts, in a cold, businesslike tone. “You’re right, Shadis has to be taken out, but the only safe way to do that is a military tribunal officially demoting him. And for that, they first had to see, without a doubt, how incompetent he was.”

It takes a moment before the meaning of those words sinks in, but then… “You mean you _planned_ this?” Levi asks, incredulously.

“It was one option, one I wasn’t sure he would choose.” Erwin presses his lips together. “I confronted him, made it clear that he had to do as I said. If he listened, I could lead the Corps through him and there would be no problem. If he didn’t, he would go out and fail, spectacularly. The resulting disgrace would eventually lead to his discharge, putting me in charge, letting me rule openly. A win-win situation.”

“Except for the seventy-eight dead.”

“It was necessary," Erwin says, his voice flat, emotionless.

“I can see why you kept that a secret from the rest.” Levi smiles bitterly. “Erwin, brave noble commander, coldheartedly planning the deaths of dozens. They’d detest you.”

“Do you detest me?” Erwin asks, looking as if he's dreading the answer.

“No,” Levi says irritably. “You didn’t kill them, Shadis’ stupidity did.”

“But I could’ve stopped him." Erwin looks at him, something almost pleading in his face. "You said it yourself. If I hadn’t made a confrontation out of it, if I hadn’t insisted on taking charge – ”

“Then what?" Levi asks. "He would still be commander. Maybe you could’ve prevented this disaster, but what about the one after that, or the one after _that_? Would you have stood back and watched him slowly kill off the entirety of the Corps through his incompetence?" He shrugs. "If you won't kill him, then you need to get him sacked, whatever the means. You took the right decision – as right as you can ever get in this whole damned mess, anyway.”

Erwin stares at him, not replying for a while.

And then he starts laughing.

Levi pushes off the wall and frowns at him. “Have you lost your fucking mind?”

“No,” Erwin says, hiccupping with laughter. “It’s just – These thoughts, these plans, have been in my head for so long and I never shared them with anyone because I know no one would… and now I’ve finally said it out loud and all I get in return is _approval_.”

Levi clucks his tongue in irritation. “Go to bed, Erwin. You’re getting hysterical.”

“You’re right.” He blows out his cheeks, runs his hands over his face. “I’m exhausted.”

Levi shakes his head and turns to leave.

“Levi?”

He looks over his shoulder. Erwin is watching him, and beneath the tiredness and the lingering hysterics there’s something else, something Levi can’t put a name to. “What?”

“Thank you,” Erwin says earnestly.

***

The Corps settles back into its usual routine. This isn't the first time people have died, after all. It's not even the greatest loss they've suffered, not by far, and you don't survive in the Survey Corps without developing a way to deal with the constant bereavement.

This isn't like last times, though. It isn't just the Titans that get blamed for the deaths this time. Everyone knows perfectly well how much lives would have been saved if they'd only used the long-distance formation, and that only Shadis and his fucking pride are to blame for the deaths of their friends. That's the kind of thing you can't just ignore.

The discontent and scepticism spreads through the Corps like wildfire. Levi can't go from one end to the HQ to the other without coming across at least one group of mutinously muttering soldiers, and there are already three different soldiers in an isolation cell for insubordination and disrespecting superior officers. And that's just the stuff that comes to the surface; fuck knows how much more is going inside the men's heads.

Shadis doesn't seem to notice. Then again, he's not that much in the HQ these days; most of his time is spent in the city, for meetings. People are starting to look at Erwin as well, but he refuses to react. The noble captain just goes stoic and quiet and pretends not to hear the whispers - although the lack of reaction says something as well, when you get down to it. If he really agreed with Shadis, he would be defending the commander instead of just keeping his silence.

The whole thing is a fucking powder keg, needing nothing more than one good spark to explode.

“Heyyy, if it isn’t Lance-Corporal grumpypants!” someone screeches. 

Levi blinks, pulled from his thoughts, then ducks aside just in time to avoid Hange squishing his cheeks. “You can go fu – ”

“Newbies,” they cut him off, with an excited wave of their hands.

He frowns at them. “What?”

“That was why Erwin was out with Shadis today,” Hange explains impatiently. “He was doing the recruitment drive.”

“The what?”

Hange laughs. “I keep forgetting you weaseled your way into the corps, instead of joining up properly like the rest of us.”

“I was _blackmailed_ into it,” he points out, mildly irritated – but then again, _mildly irritated_ is pretty much his default state whenever he’s around Hange.

“Yeah, whatever. Now come on, or we’ll miss it.” They grab Levi’s arm and pull him along, up the stairs to the wall, like a child eager to get a treat.

Hange’s cheerfulness stands out like a sore thumb in the gloomy atmosphere of the HQ. It isn’t exactly appreciated either: the few people out in the yard glare at Hange, frowning at them. One of them even steps in their direction, only to be pulled back by someone else.

Of course Hange’s happy grin and bouncing would feel like an insult. The graves are still fresh.

“So what’s going on exactly?” Levi asks when they’re up on the wall that separates the HQ from the rest of the city.

Hange looks over their shoulder. “Once every year, a batch of recruits finishes their training and joins the Legions. The new batch has just finished.”

“Which ones are we getting?” Levi asks, leaning on the battlement to look out. In the distance, he can see a group of tiny figures approaching.

“The ones who want to join us, obviously.”

Levi looks up in surprise. “They can _choose_?”

“Yeah.” Hange gives him a look. “You didn’t know? ‘Course, the Military Police only accepts the top ten of each class – ”

Levi clucks his tongue. “Really? It doesn’t show.”

“- and the rest can choose from the other two. Most choose the Garrison, of course. We get the weirdos and the suicidal ones.”

“They’d feel right at home here, then.”

Hange smiles. “Won’t they just. Ah, look, there they are.”

They look down. There is Erwin, his straight-backed pose recognizable even from up here. And behind him, about a dozen young people, sitting stiff and nervous in the saddle.

“Not exactly many _,_ are there?” Levi says critically.

“You think? After that last expedition, we thought we would get no one at all. Erwin must have impressed them. Come on, let’s go see.” They punch Levi’s shoulder and go down the ladder.

Levi keeps watching. Erwin pulls his hood back, scanning the building, then stops as he seems to recognize Levi.

Levi gives him a nod, then follows Hange to the ground.

***

There are thirteen of them, wearing their new cloaks with obvious unease, taking in the barracks and the soldiers – and Erwin, standing in front of them like the living embodiment of everything a soldier aspires to be.

“I want to thank you personally for joining up,” Erwin says, trailing his eyes over the new recruits. “It’ll be my honor to serve with you.”

Empty talk, the kind of thing that every military leader tells their men, until the words themselves stop making sense. But the thing about Erwin is that he actually seems to mean it. It certainly has its effect on the kids, who collectively seem to grow an inch at Erwin’s beaming approval.

“Your time here initially will consist mostly of theory and study. You will not see any action until you’ve proven you know the formation and the manoeuvers inside out.” He gives them a little smile. “I realize this must sound boring to you. No doubt most of you are hungry to go beyond the walls. I know I was.”

Levi exchanges a surprised look with Hange, who shrugs in reply.

“But study is necessary for the safety and survival of all. _All_ , not just you yourself, and that’s what I want you to understand: from now on, everything you do has a direct impact on the people around you. You are responsible for your comrades, just as they are responsible for you.”

Erwin’s eyes stray very briefly to Levi. Levi makes sure to keep his face as blank as possible.

“And that’s why I have the fullest confidence you will take this additional training seriously.” Erwin trails his eyes over each individual face. “Any questions?”

“Sir?” one of them asks, timidly. When Erwin turns to her, she almost seems too starstruck to form words. No wonder everyone was so surprised by Levi when he first joined up, if this is standard new recruit behavior.

“Yes?” Erwin says, markedly more kind than usual.

She looks down, then mumbles, “Who will be our squad leader?”

“Lance Corporal Levi will take you under his wing,” Erwin says.

Levi’s head snaps up. “ _What_?”

“ _Him_?” one of the recruits says, eyeing him dubiously.

“Have you lost your fucking mind?” Levi snarls. “I’m not going to waste time babysitting this bunch of – ”

“Levi. Later.”

“You’re – ”

“ _Levi_ ,” Erwin repeats, with a warning look.

Levi turns on his heel and strides off without another backwards glance.

***

“Why?” Levi asks, later that day, when they’re in the privacy of Erwin’s office.

Erwin closes the door behind them and goes over to his desk. “Can’t you just accept that I have a reason for my decisions and trust that I know what I’m doing?”

“No. Now tell me why.”

Erwin sighs. “Because your extraordinary skills will make up for their lack of experience. And because out of all our squad leaders, you’re the one most dedicated to keeping your team alive.”

“That’s not what you said six months ago,” Levi says sharply.

“It wasn’t true six months ago.” Erwin leans back against his desk and gives him a tired smile. “You’ve gone from the least responsible soldier to the most in the space of a few months. You certainly aren’t predictable, are you, Levi?”

“Being predictable gets you killed.”

“It can make it hard for people to trust you.”

Levi huffs. “I don’t need their trust.”

“Yes, you do, _Corporal_ ,” Erwin says pointedly. “Besides, a significant part of the men trust you already.”

Levi glances up at Erwin. He’s looking earnest, but then again, Erwin _always_ looks fucking earnest.

“So the brats…” Levi says reluctantly.

“I’ll ask Mike to help out with the training, get you started. For now, just teach them the basics, file off the rough edges, and get rid of whatever nonsense they picked up at basic training. And make them realize they’re part of a team, now.” Erwin smiles, slightly. “They’re likely to be either very scared or very confident. I trust you can handle both?”

Levi gives him a grim smile back. “Oh, I can.”

"The confident ones, sure. The scared ones..." Erwin gives him a warning look. "Don't be too harsh. They're young."

"Age isn't an excuse for stupidity."

"Levi - "

"Don't worry, I'll manage," Levi says, with a little eye roll.

Erwin folds his arms and raises his eyebrows. "You sound pretty confident, considering how much you protested."

"You think I don't know how to train people? I've done it before, remember?"

Erwin frowns. "When did - " he starts, then breaks off.

Levi looks away, then goes over to the window. Outside, Ness is showing the recruits around, walking them through the sleeping quarters and dining hall and stables. Letting them see their new home.

"It's not enough, though. Is it?" Levi looks back at Erwin. "Thirteen, to replace eighty-seven?" 

Erwin pushes off the desk and joins him at the window. "No, of course it's not. Last year we had twenty-three recruits, the year before that... eighteen? The Corps isn't very popular as a career choice."

"Weirdos and maniacs," Levi mutters. "And the rest of them hang around the walls getting drunk, or make a career wiping the asses of the nobles. Fucking disgusting."

"But that's the way it is." Erwin shrugs. "What else can we do, start conscripting?"

"Tempting thought. Take those fucking smug MP's and drop their fat asses in front of a cluster of Titans, see what happens. Or some of the brass." He gives Erwin a pointed look. "Would solve a lot of problems, wouldn't it?"

"Let's just start with those who joined up voluntarily." He claps Levi on the shoulder. "Show them the ropes, Lance Corporal. Who knows, there might be another you among them."

Levi raises his eyebrow. "I  _highly_ doubt that."

***

The back of the Survey Corps’ headquarters consists of what Levi privately thinks of as _the playground_. It’s one entire stretch of wooden Titans, derelict buildings, a few trees, all designed to make the training exercises as realistic as possible. Not that it even comes close to the real thing, but it gives them something to start with.

He gives the group in front of him a critical look. Most of them are taller than him, and quite a few are obviously unimpressed, whispering loudly to each other and ignoring him. They only fall silent when Mike comes up – who is, of course, a lot more impressive-looking than Levi.

“Who’s the best of you?” Mike asks.

A couple of kids point to one guy, who raises his hand with a grin. “Could’ve gone to the Military Police, sir,” he says, with a hint of pride.

Levi doesn’t bother to hide his disdain. He still isn’t used to people referring to the Military Police in a tone of respect; where he comes from, the Police were always either laughed at or feared, depending on who you talked to.

A few of the kids throw him affronted looks. Levi sneers at them.

“Alright.” Mike turns to the kid in question. “Show us.”

“Sorry?”

Mike points at the buildings. “Do a complete tour of the buildings, as quickly as you can, without touching the ground.”

The kid eyes the terrain in front of them. “Piece of cake,” he says, grinning, and then he drops down.

Levi watches him complete the tour, ignoring the cheers from the other brats and picking out the faults in technique, the weak spots, the way he’d done with Isabel and Farlan.

Something inside him twists painfully. He ignores that as well.

The kid drops back down on the roof, panting but looking happy. The other brats pat his back and yell congratulations.

Levi simply stares at him.

“Think that was good, do you?” Mike asks calmly once the racket has died down and the kids start noticing Levi’s held gaze.

“Uh, yeah?” the boy says, looking uncertainly between Mike and Levi.

One of the other brats butts in. “He only hit the ground _twice_. Diego is a natural, amazingly talented. Every one of our trainers said so.”

“Really.” Mike turns to Levi and raises his eyebrows. “Levi?”

Levi nods and steps off the building, wind flying past him. He throws his line out, and the environment comes into the usual sharp focus of hook _there_ swing _here_ detach and spin _there_ , all clear and bright.

The world at his feet.

He lands back on the roof after what feels like only a fraction of the time the kid took, barely out of breath, and without having even come close to the ground.

They stare at him with open mouths. Even Mike looks a little stunned.

Levi wipes some dust off his sleeve. “This isn’t basic training anymore. Don’t get cocky.”

“But – ” Diego starts, expression defiant. 

“You wait too long to detach and ignore too many potential grappling spots on your left side.” Levi turns to the other brats. “None of you even think about getting your blades out before you prove to me you can use your gear properly. Understood?”

They give a _yessir_ , watching him with wide eyes and awed expressions.

Out of the corner of his eye he can see Mike’s approving nod.

***

“They’re stupid,” Levi complains at the dinner table. “Reckless, arrogant, think they know everything, completely irresponsible – ”

“Reminds me of someone,” Hange says, with a sly grin.

“They’re inexperienced,” Erwin says calmly, as he yanks Levi back by his shirt and Hange ducks for safety. “Their first expedition will sober them up soon enough, if they manage to survive it. And they’re not complete idiots. They chose to be part of the Survey Corps, remember?”

Levi huffs. “Fuck knows why.”

“The glory, the adventure? The exciting opportunities?” Hange smiles. “Why did we all join up?”

"Because none of the other Legions would allow you to play with explosives?" Mette suggests cheerfully.

"Curiosity." Hange points a finger at her. "That's what I like to call it. The other Legions are  _boring_ \- what do they do all day, seriously? At least here we get to see interesting stuff. Anyway, what was your reason?"

"Erwin, mostly," Mette says, with an amused look at the man in question. "And the heroics of it, I suppose. The excitement."

“Bravery,” Mike adds. “And making a difference.”

Erwin passes a pot of tea to Levi. “And you?” he asks.

“You threatened to have me arrested if I didn’t join.” Levi pours his tea. “Not really a heroic origin story, is it? Do I need to make one up? Blather about my duty to humanity and all that bullshit?”

“But why did you _stay_?” Erwin asks, with a strange little smile.

Levi sends Erwin a dark look over his teacup.

“And why did you join up, Erwin?” Hange asks.

“To prove a point.”

Levi looks up. Something in Erwin’s voice, the words he used… It’s something Levi hasn’t heard before, and judging by the others’ expression, neither have they.

“Pass the rice, will you,” Erwin says calmly. Mette reaches for the bowl, Hange starts talking about their latest experiments, and the subject seems to have been forgotten.

Erwin briefly meets Levi’s eyes, then looks away.

Funny, really. After all the time Levi has spent with Erwin, he has gathered an extensive amount of intel on him. Preferences, habits, quirks, stories from his past, all gleaned from hours of observation and patient careful probing. Levi is willing to bet there’s no one else who knows anywhere near as much about the man as he does.

And then, occasionally, he’s struck by the fact that when it comes down to it, he doesn’t know anything about Erwin at all.

***

Training Farlan and Isabel had taken months. They were both intelligent, quick learners, agile and strong, and still they struggled over and over again with things that to Levi felt basic. He had tried to explain, to demonstrate, but they'd just stare at him in confusion. Isabel would throw fits when she failed more than two times in a row, and Farlan asked the kind of questions that only showed how much he _didn't_ understand. In the end it Levi just had to accept that the things that felt natural as breathing to him were hard-won skills in others, and that he'd have to find a way to teach them, somehow. It had been hard, frustrating, complicated work. 

These kids have already gone through three years of training and Levi still feels the same frustration at being unable to explain what should be obvious to anyone with a brain. And he doesn't get half the appreciation or respect he got from - Wait.

He pauses, cocks his head, listening...

"Spying on me, Erwin?" he calls out.

There's a soft thud and Erwin makes his way to the roof where Levi is standing, not looking remotely embarrassed at being caught out. "Just enjoying the show. Any trouble?"

"Just the usual. Stupid little shits refusing to listen because they think they know better, and then ending up crashing into the ground. What's up with you?" he adds, when he spots the strain hiding beneath Erwin's smile.

"I just came from Shadis," Erwin says, sobering. "I had a plan for a new expedition, but unfortunately he has regained his confidence."

"He said no?" Levi asks. 

"Absolutely forbid it."

Levi curses. The last two weeks or so Shadis had gone quiet, pale, withdrawn, deferring to Erwin in almost everything. Of course Shadis would choose this moment to remember he's supposed to be the boss.

“He’s terrified,” Erwin says.

“He should’ve been fucking demoted straight after his last fuck-up,” Levi says, absently, one eye on the training kids. “And everyone knows it. _Stop aiming only at your right side_ ,” he yells at one of the brats, who’s so shocked by the reprimand she forgets to detach her hook and smacks face-first into a wall.

Levi turns to Erwin. “Maybe it’s a good thing we’re not going out yet. These kids aren’t ready.”

Erwin shrugs. “You can only do so much training here, eventually we’re going to have to send them out. You shouldn’t underestimate them.”

Levi curls his lip in disgust. “They don’t know a thing about how it is out there.”

“And they won’t know until they actually get out there, will they?” Erwin says, logic itself.

“They’ll panic at the first sight of a Titan.”

“Then it’s on you to calm them down again.”

“Erwin – ” Levi starts, frustrated.

"There's no point in fighting this, Levi."

"Orders again?"

Erwin gives him a calm, steady look. "Do they need to be?"

Levi turns back to watch the recruits. "Anyway," he says, "if Shadis continues like this we'll never leave HQ again."

"Oh, he'll give in soon enough," Erwin says, carelessly. "He doesn't have a choice. The brass are demanding results."

"So what? More recon?"

"No. We're setting our goals higher than that." He frowns, eyes on something only he can see. "I want an outpost. If we can establish a base, form a starting point for other expeditions, we could start going further than we have ever gone before. It'll be a step forward even the higher-ups can't pretend not to see."

"Sounds nice in theory, but in practice..."

"We'll find a way. We always do."

“What about them?” Levi asks, with a nod at the recruits. “Coming along?”

“Of course. There’s no sense in keeping them inside any longer. And…” Erwin takes Levi’s shoulder, all serious and earnest. “And I trust you to take care of them.”

Levi glares at Erwin. “Why don’t you just shoot them all now? It would be a cleaner death.”

“We’ll be in formation, there will be several lines of vision between your group and the outside perimeter. It’s as safe as it ever gets. Especially with you around.”

Levi doesn’t reply. Thirteen, currently flying across the wooden targets and buildings, most of them laughing and messing about and enjoying it, and it reminds him so much of Isabel he feels like throwing up.

“Levi,” Erwin says, gently. “I believe in you.”

“You’re a sanctimonious pretentious stupid asshole,” Levi replies, eyes still on the kids.

Erwin squeezes his shoulder. “If you need me, I’ll be with Mike. I’ll see you in the mess.”

Levi nods, curtly. Erwin gives him one last pat and leaves the rooftop.

Levi keeps looking down at the flying kids, arms crossed. If Erwin is that confident, they will be going out. A few days, a few weeks at most, and Levi will have to take that bunch and show them the outside, the things they fight, and somehow keep them alive.

Previous missions have always failed that last part.

Levi briefly closes his eyes, then opens them again, and yells, _“Go fucking higher your toes are touching the fucking ground!_ ”

The kid in question almost crashes, but after his confusion he aims at the rooftops and swings up into safety.

***

They leave two weeks later.

It's always a hassle, getting dozens of carts, hundreds of men, and twice that amount of horses all lined up in the streets leading to the gates. There's a lot of waiting involved, carts being hustled around and stressed squad leaders trying to round everyone up. It doesn't help either that everyone is full of the knowledge that they're about to go  _outside_ , risk their lives, quite possibly die.

It's the waiting that's the worst. And the brats are taking it badly. Like the horses, they’re jittery and twitchy, jumping at each loud sound. None of their usual chatter or jokes this time.

Levi clucks his tongue in irritation. “Will you all calm down?”

“Why? We’re going to be in danger, aren’t we?” one of them asks. Elsa - bright red hair and green eyes, painfully familiar.

“Of course you are,” Levi says impatiently. “We’re soldiers, danger is what we’re here for. But the position we’ll be in is one of the safest there is.”

“Yeah?” Someone else, this time – white-blond hair, short and slim. Lars. “I talked to one of the veterans and they said only half of the new recruits come back from their first expedition. _Half_.”

“That was before Erwin’s formation. And without me.”

“And you’ll protect us?” Lars asks, eyes blazing. “Why _you_? You’re quick, but you’re new, you’ve barely been here a year. Why didn’t they give us to one of the more experienced squad leaders?”

“Because I’m better,” Levi snaps. “Now shut up and get on your horse.”

They saddle up, in sullen silence. Levi bites the inside of his cheek in frustration. He doesn’t have Erwin’s way with words, his reassuring presence. He’s just _him_ , and all he knows is how to beat people into submission. But that doesn’t work here – he considered it, but Erwin shut him down before he could even try.

Up ahead the front of the formation starts moving. Several of the recruits are holding their reins so tightly their knuckles have gone white, Nanaba is whimpering, and Elsa's eyes are shining with tears.

He turns in the saddle to look them all in the eye. “Listen to me,” he says, with an effort to sound as calm and confident as possible. “Just do _exactly_ as I say, and this'll work out fine.”

“Promise we’ll survive?” Elsa says softly.

He shakes his head. “I can’t promise you’ll be safe.”

She trembles. Her friend – Rani, quiet cool kind of girl – takes her arm. “We’ll listen to you,” Rani says solemnly.

“And in return I will do everything in my power to keep you alive. Now come on.” He kicks his heels into the sides of the horse. “Let’s move.”

There are a fair few people out in the streets, watching them leave, but apart from a few stray cheers they're silent. Disapproving, or scared, or just disdainful, who knows? Whatever it is, it doesn't really create a supportive and excited atmosphere.

The gates rattle open and out at the front, Erwin yells the command. Levi's group starts galloping a few moments after, safely entrenched in the middle of the formation. Darkness closes over them as they pass beneath the wall, making the light when they come out on the other side seem all the brighter.

The kids are quiet as they ride into the open. That, at least, he can empathize with: he still remembers the first time he came out beyond the walls, that overwhelming feeling of _space_ , everywhere. After a lifetime in dark cramped spaces it had been a shock even he couldn’t pretend not to feel.

The horses spread out and fall into formation. Levi checks his signaling pistol, then lets his horse fall back to the rear of their group, taking the opportunity to quickly check on each recruit. More than a few look like they’re about to throw up out of fear and nerves and excitement, but all of them keep in line.

A lot of them keep their eye on Levi as well. Which is good, really. If they’re going to pin their hopes on something, they’re better off focusing on him than anyone else.

They keep riding in silence, the kids taking in the environment with wide eyes. Then suddenly Diego starts laughing.

Levi brings his horse next to his to intervene if needed, but the kid looks genuinely delighted. “This is _amazing_ ,” Diego yells.

And as if that’s a catalyst, he sets off some of the others, who suddenly start whooping and cheering. Gone fear, gone angry scepticism - at least, for now.

Levi gives them a few minutes of enjoyment before calling them sharply to order again. They sober up, but he recognizes the expression on their faces, the look in their eyes as the ride on and the land spreads out before them.

There’s a reason they’re called the _Wings of Freedom_.

***

They have been riding for maybe two hours when the first red flare shoots up from their right.

Levi’s head snaps up and every instinct screams at him to move towards the flare, check if everyone's alright, take the thing out if needed. But he’s in charge of the brats now. He can’t go running off, he’ll just have to rely on the others to take care of it.

 _Trust in your companions_.

He grits his teeth, shoots off the confirming flare, and keeps riding. “Yes, that’s a Titan,” he yells at the kids. “And it’s still far away, so no reason to lose your shit, alright?”

Ahead, a green flare signals the change of direction. Erwin. Levi yanks the reins and the kids follow him. They’ve lost the subdued joy of earlier, gone grim and serious. The reality of the situation must have hit them. 

Another two flares go off simultaneously, to their right. They’re getting closer. Aberrants? He checks his blades, just to be on the safe side.

“What’s happening, Corporal?” Rani asks him as she pulls up beside him.

“We’ve – ”

But then almost half a dozen flares go off at once and the ground vibrates and there’s a dull roar in the distance. Titans. Too many to let the formation do its work.

He yanks his reins again. “Drop the formation,” he yells. "We’re heading for that patch of forest."

“But Corporal – ”

“ _Now_.”

They fall in after him as he swerves towards the trees. He can see another squad in the distance, on his far left, breaking of as well. Where did they all come from? Why didn't the people on the flanks see the Titans approaching, why didn't they avoid?

Worries for later. There's a dull thumping noise behind him, growing louder every second. Titan's feet. He pulls his signaling gun and shoots off a red flare, then stands up in his stirrups. “Go ahead,” he yells at the kids. “Keep moving.” And he jumps up onto the saddle and turns around.

Two of them.

He balances on the galloping horse, watches as the Titans draw closer, all the while aware of the kids around him, young and vulnerable and totally inexperienced.

 _Fuck_ Erwin and his choices.

He adjusts his weight and narrows his eyes. If he takes out one, the other will attack the rest of the squad, and they can’t handle a Titan yet, not without assistance. So both at once.

He falls back into the saddle and speeds up, going back to the head of the group. He finds Lars and Nanaba – the two most dominant ones - and rides between them. “Keep going,” he tells them. “I’m going to ride ahead now, but keep going even when you catch up with me. Got it?”

They nod. Levi speeds ahead, until there’s enough space between him and the Titans. He gets up onto his saddle again, facing the two beasts. Now it’s just a matter of time, of finding the right spot…

He shoots and flies up, hooks around a tree on one side of the path, then swings around to the other side. He pulls the line tight between the trees as his squad comes galloping underneath it. One or two of them look up and notice him. Clever kids.

And then the Titans come running. Levi tries to brace himself but even so he gets the breath knocked out of him as the Titans run into the line. His chest burns with pain – bruised ribs? Broken? No time for that – but it worked: both Titans are down, stunned. Levi detaches his line and drops onto the first Titan’s shoulder, slicing through its neck with calm precision.

But the other has recovered more quickly than he’d estimated and is already running towards the rest of the squad. Levi curses, speeds his way through the trees and grapples onto the thing’s back, but someone is screaming, and it raises its hand and he’s not there yet –

_Isabel. Farlan._

Redhot rage overtakes him, and as always in times like this his focus becomes sharper. The situation folds out before him: the Titan, arm raised, ready to stuff the kid into its mouth; the kid, trapped between the Titan's fingers and unable to move, swords out of reach; the other squad members, at a safe distance but too scared to be of use; the Titan's neck, bent back and exposed; the angle of its elbow, the movement of its hand, its jaw...

He foregoes the neck, dives for its arm and slices through the tendons at its wrist. The kid - Rani, he has just time to notice – falls out of its suddenly slack grip, too shocked to save herself. Levi swings down, avoids the Titan’s good hand swiping at him, and intercepts the girl only a few yards above the ground.

He drops her to safety, flies back up, and using the thing’s swinging arms as anchoring points, launches himself at its neck. He switches grip, rolls into a spin, and lets the blades cut straight through its nape.

It slowly topples down. Levi hooks onto a tree and lightly drops down next to its steaming corpse. Dead, definitely, and no other Titans around, as far as he can see or hear. Which means he can focus on other things.

Elsa has her arms firmly around Rani, who’s lying shaking on the ground but seems to be uninjured. The rest of them have gathered around, staring at him with open mouths.

He goes over to the two girls and drops to his knee. “Is she alright?” he asks Elsa.

“Yes, Corporal, but she’s not – she’s not reacting.”

He grasps Rani’s chin and tilts her head up. Her eyes are wide, her lip is trembling and she’s pale – shock. He stands up. “Get her on your horse. _Now_.”

He shoots off a flare – _Titan dispatched_ – and finds his mare. A few moments later an answering green flare lights up the sky.

Levi swings up onto the saddle. “Back into formation.”

They follow him without hesitation.

***

They arrive at the camp not that long after, the widespread formation slowly coming together. Levi keeps an eye on the rest of the groups – someone holding a broken arm to his chest, one tellingly unmanned horse, another person thrown over someone else’s saddle – but all in all the damage seems limited.

He swings down at the entrance, searching for Erwin. The captain is usually fairly visible, towering above most of the other soldiers and exuding that air of leadership he seems to –

“Corporal?”

He turns, vaguely irritated. It’s Rani, still pale and shocked but her wide eyes now focused on him.

“You promised,” she said, her voice a little weak.

He glares at her. “I told you, I can't – ”

And then she’s in his arms.

“You promised you’d do everything you could,” she sobs into his shoulder. “You promised, and you did, if it hadn’t been for you, I would have – ”

He pushes her off. “Calm yourself. You survived, that’s the important thing.”

She throws herself into his arms again and Levi’s ribcage flares up in pain at her tight grip. He gives Elsa a look and she quickly comes forward, trying to pry Rani from his arms, but the girl is clinging to him like a fucking leech.

“Levi?”

And of course this would be when Erwin would see him. He's smirking, arms crossed, very obviously enjoying the show and fuck, Levi is never going to hear the end of this. "Hang on," Levi says, half smothered by the girl.

"Oh, take your time," Erwin says airily.

Elsa finally wrenches Rani off him. Levi quickly moves out her way before she can pounce again and joins Erwin. "What the hell happened?” he asks. "Why didn't we avoid those Titans?"

Erwin's smile disappears. "They were hiding in the ruins, almost as if they were lying in wait. The flanks didn't see them until it was too late. Three dead, fifteen injured, two Titans down." He trails his eyes over Levi's squad. "You?”

“Two Titans down.” He meets Erwin’s eyes. “None injured.”

Erwin smile returns, pride and satisfaction shining through.

But even that smug reaction is nothing compared to the raucous cheer of his squad.

***

It's easy, after that, being in charge of the squad.

It shouldn't be. Levi has led enough crews to know there's always some dissent, one person who doesn't listen, a few who talk back, people who don't understand the orders or who get carried away in the heat of a mission. But not here. The kids follow his orders to the letter, don't utter a single word in protest. They go where he tells them to go, attack the way he taught them, fall back immediately when he gives the order... Hell, at this point he could tell them to jump off a cliff and they'd do so without a second thought. 

It's a little unnerving, but it does the trick: six days in, and they're still all alive. Though not without scratch.

Levi gets his knife from his boot and cuts away Nanaba's torn jacket and shirt. Beneath that, their arm is cut and bruised. Nothing serious, though. He puts their hand on his knee and leans over to the first aid kit he got from the dispensary cart. "Hold still."

"Yessir."

They have a doctor, but she's busy with far worse things than a scratched arm, and Levi has bandaged enough wounds in his time to manage well enough on his own. Besides, if he's going to be responsible for them, he might as well take on the whole package. It is, after all, in some way his fault Nanaba got smacked against a tree. If he had trained them better they'd know not to go in when a Titan is mid-swing.

He pours alcohol onto a wad of cotton and wipes it over the cuts. 

“Ow."

Levi makes an irritated noise. “It’s just a scratch.”

“Sorry, sir,” Nanaba says quickly, a faint blush on their cheeks. "It, uh, stung."

"If this is the worst you're going to get, you're in luck."

"I know, sir."

“There.” He fastens the bandage, then gets back to his feet and tracks his eyes over his squad.

All alive. Six days in, and they’re all alive, nothing but a few scratches, a sprain or two. Either he’s been incredibly lucky, or the previous recruits have been extremely unlucky, or…

“I’ll be with the other squad leaders,” Levi says. “Try to get as much sleep as you can. You need it. And call me if there’s anything.”

“Yessir,” Rani says. At least she’s clever enough not to try and hug him again, although going by the expression on her face she’s finding it hard to resist.

He gives them one last look, then takes off for the other side of the camp.

Six days. They left the city with almost the full force, and have already lost fifteen men since then. By the Corps’ standard, that’s a success.

It’s more than a success. So far, it’s a _record_.

“Hey Levi!” Mette calls out when he comes close. “Wanna join in? Hange is fleecing us.”

Hange immediately slaps their cards face-down on the grass. “Like hell I’m playing with Levi. He _cheats_.”

“Of course I cheat, what would be the point otherwise?” Levi sits down next to Mike. “Where’s Erwin?”

“Out and about. You’re not joining in?”

“No,” Levi says absently, looking around.

“Your loss.” He starts dealing again. 

Levi checks the surrounding area for any sign of Erwin’s familiar shape. No sign of him, but as he looks he can see several heads turning quickly away. Were they staring at him? What are they disapproving of now?

“You _cheat_. You have to, no way – ”

“I don’t! It’s just a matter of probabilities. I’d explain, but – ”

“Last time you tried Mike fell asleep after two sentences, yeah, let’s not do that again. Hey, Levi,” Mette adds. “What are you brooding over this time?”

“Lack of soap,” Mike suggests.

“Nah, I think that’s just the way his face is.” Hange leans forward on their elbows. “ _Can_ you even smile?” they ask, squinting at him like he’s one of their experiments.

"How are the ribs?" Mette asks hurriedly, before Levi can attack. 

He turns to her. "Black and blue, but healing. I'll survive." He looks across the camp again. "Shouldn’t Erwin be back by now?” 

Mike shrugs. “Who knows.”

“I’m going to look for him.” Levi gets up, but Mette grabs his arm to stop him.

“I think he just wants some alone time, Levi,” she says quietly.

“Fuck that.” He shakes her off and goes to the other side of the camp.

The head-turning is even more obvious now. They’re definitely all looking at him, but also trying their hardest not to be caught at it. None of them says anything either, they just briefly fall silent, then start talking again when he’s passed them. He’s leaving a trail of hushed whispers in his wake.

Weird. 

He finds Erwin by the pasture where they keep the horses. Not doing anything, as far as he can see, other than staring at the forest in the distance. Brooding, then. Levi steps closer.

“How are the kids?” Erwin asks, without turning. Maybe he can just _smell_ Levi, like Mike says he can. It would explain a lot.

Levi leans on the fence next to him. “Surprisingly okay.”

“Surprisingly?” Erwin asks, turning to look at him. “You expected them to react differently?”

“To be more scared. They were, but…” He looks over his shoulder. His squad is sitting not that far away, at the center of the camp. Safest spot there is, here.

“They survived their first attack without even as much as a sprained ankle,” Erwin says. “That’s enough to give anyone courage.”

Levi turns back. “If I hadn’t been there – ”

“But you were. That’s the point.”

Levi huffs in irritation. “They shouldn’t just go on blind faith. I can’t keep holding their hands forever.”

“But for now, you can.” Erwin stares at the horizon. “And you’ll have to keep doing so for the foreseeable future. We’re splitting up.”

Levi looks up abruptly. “What?”

"It's not my decision, trust me," Erwin says, expression dark.

"Then why - "

“Shadis is taking the elite squads to the next outpost and sending the rest back." Erwin sighs and runs his hand over his face. “I tried to talk him out of it, but…”

“So, what?” Levi says incredulously. “We’re going to head back through open territory, with a bunch of newbies in the middle of all this, while the best fighters are off on a suicide mission somewhere else?”

“That’s what it comes down to, yes,” Erwin says.

“ _Why_?”

“Because Shadis is grasping at straws. He’s obsessed with the idea of one heroic charge, wiping away all his past mistakes, and his best chance for that is to take only the experienced men. We're not using the long-distance formation either."

"What?" Levi stares at Erwin. "He's - after last time, he still doesn't see - "

"He wants this to be one hundred percent his doing. He's afraid that using a technique devised by me will make the brass give me all the credit, instead of him.” Erwin frowns. “I misjudged. I thought he’d be over-cautious, not…”

“He’s a madman. A fucking dangerous one.”

“I know.” Erwin takes a deep breath. “But it’s unavoidable now. You can take the longer route through the plains, it’ll be marginally safer. I managed to convince Shadis to leave Mette with you, but Hange, Mike and I are off with the elites.”

“When?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Shit.”

Erwin gives him a tired look. “You’ll do fine, Levi.”

“Yeah, well, I – ”

“Corporal, sir?”

They turn. There’s a soldier standing in front of them, looking oddly nervous but determined. “What?” Levi asks.

"I'm - sorry, sir, am I interrupting?"

"It's fine," Erwin says calmly. "What was it?"

“I just – " She shuffles her feet, takes a deep breath, and meets Levi's eyes. "On behalf of all the squads, Corporal, I wanted to say thank you. And that we’re proud to serve with you.” She salutes.

Levi stares at her.

"Uh. Sir?" She eyes him nervously.

“Thank you, Sandra,” Erwin says, when Levi still doesn't reply. “Dismissed.”

“Sir!” She marches off.

Levi continues to stare after her, and once she has disappeared he turns to Erwin, utterly confused. “What just happened?” 

Erwin smiles and leans back on the fence. “Exactly what she said. You didn’t notice?”

“I noticed the stares, but…”

“They admire you.”

Levi looks over his shoulder, and again several heads turn quickly. “Why? I’m just doing what I did before, there’s no real reason…”

“You’re protecting the recruits.”

Levi frowns. “So?”

“That’s not just about skills, or talent. It’s about your loyalty to the Corps. You inspire them,” Erwin adds softly.

“I’m not their fucking _mascot_. All I’m doing is keeping them alive.”

“That’s exactly it. To them, that practically makes you a god.”

“Really.” Levi looks up. “And what does that make Shadis?"

"A problem to be taken care of," Erwin says coldly.

"Really? Coming 'round my way of thinking after all? Pretty sure that right now you could slit his throat in front of all the troops and each and every one of them would swear up and down that it was an accident."

"Believe it or not, Levi, murder isn't the answer to everything," Erwin says impatiently. 

Levi shrugs. "It is to a lot of things."

Erwin doesn't reply. Levi keeps leaning on the fence, thinking. Idiocy aside, for Levi's little group this might be the best possible solution. No more Shadis to interfere, 'cause he'll be on the other side of the forest with the elites. No more ouposts or trade routes to risk either; they can just take the safest route home and avoid everything that looks dangerous. If he's lucky he can even look out for the other squads, act as backup in some way. They appreciate that, apparently.

_\- we're proud to serve with you -_

"Do they..." Levi says, after a moment.

"Do they what?" Erwin asks absently.

"Do they really - what did you say?  _Admire_ me?" _  
_

Erwin gives him a wry smile and nods behind him by way of reply. 

Levi looks over his shoulder. Once again he catches several people turned his way, who then quickly pretend they weren't watching. 

He turns back. “Tell them to stop," he says. "It’s fucking annoying.”

“I can’t," Erwin says, still smiling. "I can command their actions, but not their thoughts. Or their hearts. And you’ve won those now, Levi.”

Levi snorts and straightens up. “I wasn’t looking for them.”

“Nevertheless, you have them now.” Erwin smiles fades a little. “Be careful with them.”

***

The atmosphere is grim when the elites split off. More than one person seems on the verge of flat-out disobeying and joining the returning troops, and the squad leaders ride across the lines with their hands on their blades, effectively silencing every whisper of discontent. But in the end everyone follows their orders, which might have something to do with Erwin, calmly leading the squads and acting like he has the fullest confidence in the mission.

Would the rest of the Corps believe it? Or would they be able to see Erwin's doubt and his disapproval as clearly as Levi can?

The moment Shadis is out of sight, Mette starts organising a modified version of the long-distance formation. It's not as effective as it could be, not with more than a third of the force gone, but it'll be safer than any other option. And once everyone is in position, it's just routine. Red flares, green flares, slalomming across the plains and past the ruins without ever encountering a Titan from up close.

Levi never really realized just how brilliant this thing is. They cross miles without a single incident, not one life lost. The only risks are Aberrants, and those are unpredictable anyway. 

He'd rather than admit it out loud, but Erwin really is a strategic genius.

After only two days they're back in the vicinity of the Shiganshina gate. The green plains stretch out in front of them. Levi has crossed them so often they've become familiar; the patch of forest there, the hills on the far east side, the old abandoned manor house next to an overgrown road...

Almost there.

They pass through the ruins of an old village. Like everything outside the walls, it's in a state of complete decay, over a century old at least. Some of the towers are still standing, though, obscuring their view, and in response the squads come closer to each other, the formation tightening.

"How much further, Corporal?" Gerd asks.

"Not much," Levi says. "An hour, max?"

Gerd looks over his shoulder at the others, smiling. "You mean we - "

And he stops talking.

"What?" Levi looks at Gerd, who's gone pale, and then beyond, and - 

Ah. That's why.

“Corporal!”

He reaches for his flare gun but before he can even load someone else shoots one off. And then another, on their left, and another straight ahead, and another...

"Sir?" Nanaba asks.

Four of them, surrounding them? Impossible to say just going on the flares.

"Corporal,  _what do we do?"_

"Keep riding," he snaps at them. He jumps up onto his saddle and hooks his line into a tower, then flies up until he's got an overview of the entire village, and - 

Four. Four Titans, who had apparently been lying around, hidden by the buildings.

He curses. This close, _this_ fucking close, he can practically taste the city on the air, and of course they choose this fucking moment to show up.

" _To the east_ ," he yells at his kids, the only direction that doesn't have a Titan in it. They break off, as usual not even hesitating to follow his orders.

Levi hops off the tower and hooks his line into a rooftop, then swings up onto the closest Titan and slices through the muscle at the hinge of its jaw just in time to save a soldier from getting eaten. He grabs the person’s forearm, ignoring the blood and slime and filth, and pulls them out into safety. Only then does he balance on the Titan’s shoulder to cut through the nape.

He jumps onto a roof, the Titan collapsing behind him, and takes stock of the situation. One Titan in the distance, being taken care of by Mette’s squad, and two within his reach –

\- closing in on his kids.

“ _Hey, asshole_ ,” he yells. “ _Pick on someone your own size!"_  

By some magic the Titan closest to the kids turns to him. It swings its arm. Levi rolls out of the way and makes his way to another roof, but the thing has turned back to Levi's squad.

And they’re not running, the _stupid reckless fucking idiots_. Three of the kids head for the Titan, one on each side and the third jumping neatly over its head. It staggers, confused, trying to keep all three of them in sight, then turns, exposing its neck.

Levi raises his sword and takes aim, but someone beats him to it. Whoever it is moves too fast to identify; all he sees is a streak of dark hair, the flash of a blade, and a spray of blood. He waits, poised, but no, it was a true hit. The Titan topples over.

“ _Everyone alright_?” he shouts at the kids. He’s answered by a chorus of _yessirs_ , so he quickly heads to the last remaining Titan.

The rest of the squad are keeping it busy, flashing just past its face and making it spin on the spot. One of them – Nanaba, maybe, or Lars – flies past only to have their line beaten down, flight broken, and they tumble down. For a second Levi tastes bile – _too far away too late please not again_ – but then someone else flies in just in time to snatch their falling squadmate from the air before they hit the ground.

Just like Levi had, a week ago, with their first Titan.

Another two flash before the Titan’s eyes. It turns, following them, baring its neck to Levi, so Levi flips his sword and rolls himself into a ball and speeds towards it. The shock as the blades cut through flesh and sinew judders through his bones and makes his healing ribs scream in pain, but it’s deep enough to kill. The momentum messes with his balance, though, and he lands too hard and falls down to his knees, vision spinning.

The ground beneath his hands trembles as the dead Titan hits the ground.

“Corporal!” someone yells.

“I’m fine,” Levi says. He pushes up, then blinks.

His entire squad is standing around him, wide-eyed and flushed, hair windswept. Shocked.

“Is everyone…” Levi starts, then stops. It’s obvious. Everyone is fine.

“We did it,” Diego says softly.

“We – we did it.” Rani laughs, incredulous. “We _did it_ , Corporal!”

They whoop and laugh, jump up and down, hug each other. Levi watches them warily, just in case, but it isn't hysterics, nor some weird kind of fear or panic. They’re _happy_. Proud.

He can't resent it; fuck knows they deserve it. They're just kids. 

But then there’s a distant roar, a tremble in the ground. His hands go to his blades – another Titan? He looks up, scans the environment, but there’s nothing, not even trees moving in the distance.

“Corporal?” Nanaba asks, sounding concerned.

“Did you feel that?”

Nanaba cocks their head. “Feel what?”

“A - I don’t know. Nothing.” Levi shakes his head and after a moment of hesitation Nanaba goes back to celebrating.

“Hey, Levi!” someone yells behind him. He turns to see Mette galloping his way, blood on her cloak and face but already evaporating - still in one piece, then.

"Yes, _boss_?" Levi asks as she draws close.

"Ooh, now that was nice to hear." She pulls her horse to a halt and smiles down at him. "Say it again."

"Fuck off." He nods behind him. "We're done here, right?"

"Apparently," she says, eyebrow raised. "All your doing, or...?" She glances at the celebrating kids.

"Mostly theirs, to be honest," Levi says.

"Really? Huh. Guess Erwin was right about your training abilities. Anyway..." She turns her horse. "We're leaving. Last stretch, Levi, and then we're home. So get your squad under control.”

Levi turns to the celebrating kids. “ _Hey, brats_ ,” he yells. “Stop being fucking idiots and saddle up.”

They obey grudgingly, many of them still smiling. Levi whistles and his horse comes galloping.

"Let’s go," Mette says. "If we get moving now we’ll be home before sunset.”

“Right.” Levi swings up and turns to his squad. “Come on, you heard her, let’s get back into formation. You did well,” he adds, and watches pure joy erupt on the faces surrounding him.

He  _really_ hopes he never reacted like that whenever Erwin complimented him.

They ride off. Mette takes her horse next to Levi’s. “Not bad, those kids of yours," she says, smiling.

“They’re alright.” 

"High praise, coming for you. Now, hold on..." She loads her gun, then shoots. Two green flares light up the air in short succession. A few moments later horses start coming in their direction, the formation collapsing into itself. People exchange looks, anxiously checking each other for injuries, asking for updates. It’s nothing Levi hasn’t seen dozens of times.

He has never seen them  _laughing_  before, though.

“Is it true?” someone asks, grinning widely. “The recruits brought down a Titan on their own?”

“We sure did!” Lars yells back.

The soldier yanks his reins and leans over to clap Lars on the back. Lars’ answering grin threatens to split his face.

"Look at that." Mette grins. "I don't think I've ever seen anyone that happy after a first expedition."

“They should keep their fucking heads down," Levi says, irritated. "We aren’t in the clear yet.”

“Grant them their moment of joy. We don't get many of them, do we?"

"True enough." Levi looks over his shoulder at the celebrating men. “I’ve _never_ seen them like this before.”

“That’s because they’ve never had reason to celebrate before,” Mette says. “Until now. Thanks to you.”

“And the kids,” Levi adds, pointedly.

Mette shakes her head, still smiling.

She’s right, though: they do need this. He vividly remembers the dejection when they came back to the city last time, but now… They’re laughing, for fuck’s sake. Not a trace of sorrow left.

And maybe this will have its influence on the higher-ups as well, maybe they’ll finally see that it’s not the Corps that’s the problem, it’s Shadis. If they're really lucky, it might just be enough to finally get Erwin the commander’s position.

The wall comes into view on the horizon. He’s almost looking forward to it, to the procession and the crowds lining the streets. The feeling is shared by the rest of the Corps: suggestions are being thrown around for parties, cheers go up. They even start singing as they approach the gate.

But there’s something off. Levi stands up in his stirrups, squints ahead. “What’s…”

“Levi,” Mette says quietly. “Did you – did you feel that thing earlier as well? Like an explosion, somewhere far away?”

“Yes. I thought it was a Titan.”

Mette stares at the city. A messenger is coming their way on horseback, and there’s a strange dust cloud obscuring their view on the wall, and every instinct Levi has is yelling at him.

“What if it wasn’t?” Mette says, softly.

They exchange a look. Levi flicks the reins and Mette speeds up as well. The squads follow, still cheerful, but then they get closer, the dust cloud getting really visible, and the singing slowly dies out.

Even they can sense something is very very wrong.

The messenger pulls up in front of them. “Squad Leader!” the soldier yells. It's one of the elites.

The wings on his jacket are stained with blood.

“What’s happened?” Mette asks, face pale. "Why aren't you - what happened to the outpost? The mission?"

"What?" The man stares at her, confused. "The mission? It failed, we ran back, we - we didn't - "

"Is Erwin alright?" Levi asks sharply.

"The captain? Yes, I mean - he was when I -" 

"What do you mean,  _failed_?" Mette asks.

"Deaths. Too many, we were too close together, but that's not - that's..." The man stares at her, and then at the others, who are gathering around, all thoughts of celebration forgotten. He swallows.

“ _What_?” Levi snaps.

“The…" The man’s eyes go to him, and fuck, it’s been a while since Levi saw that amount of fear, dejection, hopelessness.

“The wall’s been breached.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... so yeah, this chapter is set just before/during the start of episode 1.
> 
> Next chapter hopefully up next week, but there's a lot of last-minute rewriting that still needs to be done so there might be some delay. Sorry about that!
> 
> (and thank you all for the comments, they're lovely)


	4. loyalty is a lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for trauma/PTSD, violence, gore, minor character death

Everything is chaos. Everywhere are screaming civilians, struggling Garrison soldiers, corpses strewn about ripped apart like they’re children’s toys. Levi’s feet slip on blood as he lands and he goes down, landing on his knees and palms.

He’s panting. Fuck knows how long he’s been fighting, it feels like months.

He gulps in air with great greedy mouthfuls. Every muscle hurts, and his skin is scorched with all the Titan blood. And still it isn’t done.

They’ve barely made a dent.

A scream. His head whips up - a kid, in trainee uniform, paralysed and staring up at an advancing Titan.

Levi forces himself to his feet and grapples onto a roof. He cuts through the Titan’s wrist as it reaches for the kid, then kicks off again the wall of a building and with one neat twist in the air launches himself at the Titan’s neck. More blood spouts onto his face and hands, briefly hissing against his skin before it devolves into steam.

Another one dead. Number… He’s lost count. Dozens. Hundreds.

The kid is staring at him. They’ve got red hair. Levi’s hands are tingling.

”Run,” he croaks, and the kid scarpers.

He makes his way back up to the roofops. Two streets away two Survey Corpsmen are fighting a Titan. It swings its arm and one of them nearly crashes, and Levi is just about to kick off and try to rescue them when their fellow soldier swings in. They catch the falling soldier’s hand and somehow manage to launch them in the opposite direction, back at the Titan. The move is so quick the Titan reacts too late and the soldier cuts through its nape without any apparent effort.

They’ve got this.

Levi leaves them to it and speeds across the rooftops. Titans left, right, center - where to go, what to prioritize, what the fuck is the right choice in this damned chaos?

“Levi!”

Levi turns. A soldier. Wings of Freedom on their jacket. A familiar face - Ness. “What’s going on?” Levi asks. He sounds like he’s swallowed a pound of gravel.

“No idea,” Ness says. He doesn’t sound much better.

A flare shoots off, the signal to reconvene. “Should we…?” Ness asks.

Levi shrugs, too tired to manage a reply, then drops off the roof and heads for the signal.

They make their way across the buildings. People are still screaming, and the ground is constantly shuddering with the footsteps of the Titans. It feels wrong to just ignore it, but he can’t just start randomly killing Titans without some kind of plan.

He’d never stop.

They touch down where the flare came from. Shadis is standing there, deathly pale and shaking, trying to reload his gun with clumsy fingers.

“He broke down,” Ness says, quietly. “Did you hear?”

Levi looks at him. “When?”

“When we came back from the expedition.” Ness wipes his hand over his face, only succeeding in spreading the blood further out. “Some woman wanted to know what happened to her son. We gave her his arm. She started crying, then asked if it was at least worth it, and Shadis…”

“Let me guess,” Levi says flatly. “He said no.”

“ _To the wall_ ,” Shadis yells at Hanssen, who’s standing nearest to them. She turns to leave, but Shadis snatches her back. “No, wait, I meant - civilians first. We need to - do we need to rescue them? Find civilians and escort them back to the - I don’t know, where can we evacuate to?”

“There’s hundreds of them,” Hanssen says, irritated. “We can’t save them all.”

“Then we should - Just the important ones, go to the - the government buildings... No, the gates! If we can close off the gates - ”

“But they’re destroyed,” Hanssen snaps. “How are we supposed to close them off?”

“I - there has to be a way, we just…”

“Sir! _What do we do_?”

“ _I don’t know!_ ” Shadis yells, spittle flying, eyes huge. He looks deranged.

More soldiers are arriving. Levi looks them over, searching for his kids. He had to leave them behind, the situation was too desperate to babysit newbies - he needed to be out on the field, unburdened, not held back by a bunch of teenagers. He had told them to keep together, use their heads, not take any risks. They should manage.

So where are they?

The argument has degenerated into a shouting match between Shadis and two other squad leaders. People are watching wide-eyed, blood-spattered, scared. They need a _plan_ , damn it. Something they can cling to, some kind of guidance, but Shadis seems too busy with panicking to do any strategic thinking.

Then a line whirrs and someone lands in front of them.

“Erwin!” Shadis gasps, relief obvious. “You need to go to the gates and - ”

“Shut up,” Erwin snaps. He turns to the rest. “Stay away from the gates. They’re bottlenecks right now, with dozens of Titans at the same spot. Going in would be suicide.”

“So, what?” Levi asks. “Can we close the gates?”

“No. We’re abandoning Wall Maria and evacuating everyone to Wall Rose.”

They stare at him.

” _Abandon_?” Ness says disbelievingly.

“Priority right now is the safety of the civilians,” Erwin says. Orders. “Half of the Corps to the harbor, protecting its perimeter and making sure the Titans can’t reach the people there. The others on control-and-rescue. Start at the perimeter, work your way out, save as many as you can. This isn’t about killing Titans. This is damage control.” He looks around the watching crowd. “Understood?”

“ _Yessir_ ,” the watching soldiers chorus.

“Good. Mette, Castello, Hanssen, Latour, on the harbor. The rest in the city, in groups of five or six. Levi,” he adds. “You can go on your own.”

“What about the kids?” Levi asks. “I could - ”

“Look for them? No. If anyone comes across them they’ll be sent to the harbor - it’s the safest position,” Erwin adds, before Levi can protest. “And we need you where you can do most good right now, yes?”

Levi nods.

“Good. Ness, liaise with the Garrison soldiers, set up a cache of supplies and send up a flare when you’ve got a location. We’re going to need all the gas and blades we can get.”

“Yessir!”

Erwin pauses, then looks down with contempt at Shadis, who's been standing silently at the sidelines. “Get out there and fight. You’re a disgrace to the Survey Corps.”

Shadis bows his head. He doesn’t even protest, just joins one of the groups on their way up.

All around Levi, people team up and leave. He stretches his fingers. His hand is still steady, and his focus is returning. Good, ‘cause this looks like it’s not going to be over any time soon.

Abandoning the wall...

Erwin gets ready to leave, then looks over his shoulder. Their eyes meet and Erwin’s mask slips, just for a second, showing the fear and shock and complete _bewilderment_.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. All their plans, and speculations, and no one ever foresaw this. Not really. Not _seriously_.

But they’re Survey Corps. They can adapt to anything.

Erwin gives Levi a quick nod and goes up, cloak flapping behind him and the sun catching on his hair.

***

It takes until nightfall and the resulting Titans’ inactivity before they have the district evacuated. By then some of the Garrison have set up a temporary HQ in an old warehouse. Levi falls in about an hour after dusk, staggers to a sleeping mat and passes out the second his head touches the ground.

It seems like only seconds later that he’s woken again, dawn breaking, Titans waking up as well. Shiganshina is completely evacuated by then, but there are still plenty of nearby villages. The Corps splits up and tries to help evacuate the nearest ones. In a few cases, they arrive too late.

The sight of a village post-Titan attack isn’t one Levi is going to forget any time soon.

After another three days the nearest villages are all empty, and the Corps finally gets its break. Titans are still streaming in through the broken gates, but they’ve won’t be reaching the northern settlements anytime soon. They’ve got a day or two to regroup, rest, plan.

They need it.

Levi stands at the window and looks out. There’s nothing to see from here, just Wall Rose rising up as if nothing happened, as if behind it city life is still continuing like it used to, as if the ruin and death of the last few days are nothing but a bad dream.

“You didn’t see him,” Mike says.

Levi looks away from the window to the other people in the room.

“He was on his knees,” Mike continues. “Crying. Civilians lining the street and wounded soldiers watching him and a grieving mother in front of him and all he could say was how we had achieved nothing. How people had died for _nothing_. Even the brass can’t ignore something like that.”

“Never mind that,” Mette says. “That’s just a slip compared to how he was during the defense. Did you see him? He was gibbering, completely at a loss what to do. If it hadn’t been for Erwin…”

There’s a moment of silence and they all look at Erwin, who is leaning against his desk and hasn’t said a word. He looks exhausted. Of course everyone is tired right now, but Erwin didn’t just have to fight, he also had to organise the whole damn thing. It’s a miracle he’s still on his feet.

“People saw him,” Hange says quietly. “Shadis, I mean. Civilians, and Garrison soldiers. And they’ve been talking about it. They’re saying that he’s unsuited for the job, that he’s only in charge because he bribed the brass. And…” They hesitate. “That he’s the reason the wall has fallen.”

Erwin shakes his head. “He might not be brilliant, but he’s not that stupid either. They’re just looking for a scapegoat, and Shadis has little political influence. He’s easy.”

“At least you’ll be commander now,” Hange says.

“If they’ll see sense, and don’t make it a political decision.”

“They won’t.” Levi raises his head. “Who would take on the position, knowing they’ve got to deal with this whole mess? Not to mention the new risks.”

Erwin gives him a look. “You’re developing good insight.”

“I’ve always had good insight, I just didn’t share it.”

“You antisocial bastard,” Mette says affectionately. Levi rolls his eyes at her.

“So, when?” Mike asks.

“As soon as they can.” Erwin leans over his desk and shoves a piece of paper forward. “I just got word, they want me in the central headquarters tomorrow morning.”

Hange blows out their cheeks. “Fuck, not a day too soon.”

“Yes, well, it’s - ”

There’s a knock on the door and Castello sticks his head around the door. “Sir? They’re waiting for you.”

Erwin nods and the rest get up, stoic expressions creeping over their faces. Levi glances out of the window at the small subdued groups waiting outside, next to the shrouded bodies.

He bites the inside of his cheek, hard.

“I’ll be down in a minute,” Erwin says. “You go ahead.”

They go out. Levi trails after them, reluctantly. He never did see the point of all this; dead is dead, and you can grieve in your own time but to make a whole ceremony of it…

“Levi?” Erwin asks. “A word?”

Levi closes the door and turns. Erwin is looking at him, a little too fixed to be normal. “What?” Levi asks.

“The commission tomorrow,” Erwin says. “I want you there.”

 Levi cocks his head.  “Why?”

“Because I ask you to?”

“Not good enough.”

Erwin sighs. “They’re likely to bring up your recruitment into the Corps. Yes, _now_ ,” he adds before Levi can protest. “They’re under scrutiny. They’ve already made a mistake with Shadis, they can’t risk having another rogue element in the Corps. We need to convince them you’re not a threat or they’ll throw you in prison.”

“Then you’re probably better off leaving me here,” Lev says. “I’m not good with higher-ups, remember?”

“Maybe.” Erwin gives him another of those fixed, pointed looks. “But I want you to hear what they say about you.”

“Really?” Levi says, with dark amusement. “I doubt they want me to hear.”

“Exactly.”

Levi eyes him. “This is going to be your first statement as commander,” he says slowly. “Are you sure?”

“After this last expedition?” Erwin smiles, that small private smile only a few people ever get to see. “Yes, I’m sure. We leave at dawn tomorrow, make sure you’re ready. And please be on your best behavior.”

Levi raises an eyebrow. “Meaning?”

“Just for _once_ , try not to antagonize anyone.”

“I’ll try,” he says, just to see the answering fondly exasperated look on Erwin’s face.

There’s a shout from outside. Their heads turn. “C’mon,” Levi says. “It’ll give a bad impression if the future commander is late for the funeral.”

No reply.

Levi turns back to Erwin. He hasn’t got his mask on, but Levi would’ve preferred the usual cold expressionlessness to whatever the fuck it’s showing now.

“Stop looking like that,” Levi snaps.

“Like what?”

“Like – ” He waves a hand in irritation. “Like you feel sorry for me.”

“I _am_ sorry,” Erwin says.

“What for?” Levi asks. “What’s it got to do with me? Feel sorry for their family, if you insist on being sentimental about this.”

“It just doesn’t seem fair. After you kept all of them alive during the expedition, to lose – ”

“Life isn’t fair, Erwin.”

“No,” Erwin says, looking at him. “I’m aware of that.”

“Then get out there, deliver some fucking speech about _honor_ and _duty_ , and convince the remaining ones that this isn’t all for nothing.” Levi opens the door for him. “That’s what you’re good at, isn’t it?”

Erwin looks at him for a while. Then he strides through the door, shoulders pulled back and the mask firmly in place again.

***

The commission is held in a fancy, wood-paneled meeting room in the central command building. It’s easily the most luxurious room Levi has ever seen, a far cry from the Survey Corps’ whitewashed austerity and peeling wallpaper. The commissioners seem to fit the room: the supreme commander, the two other Legion commanders and their staff, and several politicians and other high-ranking officials. The most powerful people in the capital.

Levi feels a disgust so powerful it almost makes him physically recoil. The only thing that stops him from doing anything is Erwin’s arm lightly brushing his, and the warning words from the day before.

He breathes in, forces himself to calm down. There’s a time and a place for everything, and right now the priority is to make Erwin commander. If that means playing the good boy for one morning, well, he’s done far worse in the name of survival.

Zackley, seated at the center of the long table, ruffles his papers. “I think we all know why we’re here,” he says. He throws Shadis a look he doesn’t even try to disguise as anything but disgusted. “In light of recent events, it seems only appropriate that the current commander will take a step down, and that the rest of the campaign will be led by someone more competent.”

Shadis – standing in front of the tribunal like a child being punished – bows his head. Levi curls his lip in disgust.

“Where will I go?” the ex-commander asks softly.

“There’s a position as drill sergeant with the recruits. I’m sure it’ll suit your abilities just fine.”

Shadis nods, face pale as death. “I accept.”

“Of course you do.” Zackley flips a page and adds, without even looking up, “Dismissed, Sergeant.”

Shadis plods past them and leaves the room, meaning that apart from the brass it’s just Erwin and Levi left. Levi digs his toes into the floor, centering himself like he would before a fight.

“As for the matter of his successor…” Zackley peers at Erwin. “We reviewed all possible candidates, and I’m pleased to say our decision was nearly unanimous.”

Next to Levi, Erwin folds his fingers into a fist, the only external sign of stress.

“Captain Erwin Smith will take up the command of the Survey Corps.”

The fist relaxes. Levi bows his head. Of course they would take Erwin, they’d be fools not to, there’s no one else who even comes close to being as well-suited for the role as Erwin is. But with politics, you never know. It’s a relief to finally hear it confirmed.

Zackley turns to Erwin. “Do you accept?”

Erwin throws a salute. “I would be honored.”

“Good. You will be sworn in officially this afternoon, and then we can look at how we’ll organise the rest of the defense.”

The commissioners start standing up, but Zackley holds up a hand. “There’s another issue.”

With a lot of protesting muttering they sit down again. Levi pulls his shoulders back. Erwin’s arm brushes his again – could be accidental, but he doubts it.

“A matter has been brought to my attention,” Zackley says, sternly eyeing Erwin through his glasses. “One of illegal recruitment. Are you aware what I’m talking about?”

“Yes, sir,” Erwin says calmly, a thousand-mile stare in his eyes.

“The man concerned is called Levi, no last name given.” Zackley gives Levi a fleeting look. “This him?”

“Yessir.”

“Isn’t it more appropriate for him to wait outside?”

Levi shifts onto his other foot. Erwin clears his throat and says, in a solemn, calm voice, “If we’re making decisions concerning his life, sir, I think it’s more appropriate if he’s present.”

“Hmph. Well, if you put it like that…” Zackley pushes his glasses up and bends over his papers. “This is the situation as far as I’m aware: one year ago, you recruited Levi into the Survey Corps. At the time, you were fully aware of this Levi’s status as a wanted criminal accused of theft, burglary, and even murder, yet you did not hand him over to the Military Police.” Zackley looks up. “What on earth possessed you to recruit such a criminal?”

“Levi had stolen 3D manoeuver gear and was using it for illegal purposes,” Erwin says, still with his typical calm. “I saw him in action and realized that his talents were exceptional. I thought he’d be of better use employing those skills in service of humanity, rather than letting him rot away in a cell.”

“Talents? Hah.” Zackley goes back to his papers. “And as if that alone wasn’t enough of a transgression already… According to my information, Levi entered the Survey Corps without any formal training at all, bypassing the years of preparation that are required of every recruit. I was therefore not surprised to learn that every report of his performance noted how disruptive and damaging his presence was, how hostile his attitude, how completely unsuited he was to a military position. Yet for some reason, you did not discipline him. In fact, you seemed to _reward_ his problematic behavior by giving him a completely undeserved promotion.”

Zackley looks down at Levi, as if he expects Levi to cower, or make up excuses. Levi calmly returns the look, acutely aware of Erwin’s presence at his side.

“Despite his supposed skills in battle, Levi is clearly unfit to be a soldier,” Zackley continues. “We ask that you hand him over to the Military Police so proper justice can take due course.”

Erwin nods. “May I say something?”

“By all means.”

“It’s true that Levi is not a natural-born soldier.” Erwin glances at Levi. “He’s stubborn, irreverent, often disobedient. His presence in the Corps was disruptive for many months, and even now he has clear problems with authority. He has caused more trouble than any other person I’ve seen in my career.” Erwin pauses. Whispers run across the table and Levi has to bite his tongue to keep quiet.

But then Erwin speaks up again. “He’s also incredibly brave, loyal, skilled, dedicated to the survival of the entire Corps, and more than ready to take risks few others would. In his very first battle, he took down an Aberrant without a single second of hesitation. In his second, he terminated no less than five Titans all on his own.”

The whispers start up again, this time in a wholly different tone. “That’s absurd,” someone exclaims.

“It’s true,” Erwin says. “It’s due to his skills and bravery alone that our newest recruits all came back alive from our last expedition. And they’re far from the only people that owe their lives to Corporal Levi. From the very start Levi has been consistently and fearlessly protecting his fellow soldiers with a courage and dedication that no one else even comes close to. During the last three days alone he has saved more civilians and exterminated more Titans than the rest of the Corps put together.”

The murmuring continues, and Zackley stares at Levi as if he has grown a second head. But Erwin still isn’t done.

“I said that I would be ready to take the post of commander, and that’s true.” Erwin takes a deep breath. “But on one condition: that Corporal Levi stays on. He is crucial to the way I intend to run the Corps. If you insist on arresting him, I’m afraid you’ll have to find someone else to become commander.”

Zackley’s mouth falls open. “But – you would put your entire career at risk for this – this _thug_?”

“Yessir.”

“ _Why_?” Zackley asks, clearly baffled.

“I believe Levi is the best thing that has happened to humanity since the walls were built. He brings hope to everyone who has the privilege of fighting with him.” Erwin takes Levi’s shoulder, a strangely possessive gesture. “I feel honored to have him in my Corps.”

“But he’s a…” Zackley stares at Levi, clearly lost for words. 

“A criminal?” Levi says. Erwin’s fingers dig hard into his shoulder in warning. Levi ignores him. “Scum? A no-good fucking runt? Feel free to say it, I’ve heard it all before.”

The murmuring picks up again, sounding even more shocked than before.

“Erwin is right: I’m not a natural soldier,” Levi continues. “But what it comes down to, as far as I can see, is whether you really want to fight the Titans. Because if you do, I’m your best shot. I’ve already killed more Titans than anyone alive or dead, and if you’ll let me, I’ll continue to do so until I’m killed myself.” He raises his chin. “But I can’t do that from behind bars. Or without a head.”

“Boasting words,” Zackley sneers.

“Fact. I don’t need to fucking _prove_ myself to – ”

“Levi,” Erwin says sharply.

Levi falls silent. Slowly, the murmurs die down as well.

Zackley is staring at him. A little like Erwin does sometimes, as if he’s trying to look straight into Levi’s head. The only difference is that Erwin can actually make him feel like it’s working.

“Would you die for humanity, Levi?” Zackley asks.

“I prefer to live for humanity.”

Zackley turns to Erwin. “You really believe he’s an asset to you?”

“Not just _an_ asset,” Erwin says, calmly, decisively. “The best asset humanity has, at this moment.”

“Hm.” Zackley peers at Levi over his glasses. “Your new commander puts a lot of faith in you, young man. I don’t know why, I certainly don’t see it. But we did just put you in charge, Erwin, which means we should trust your judgment.” He leans back in his chair, tapping his fingers on the table.

Erwin’s fingers clench on Levi’s shoulder like he’s seriously trying to break Levi’s collarbone.

“Very well,” Zackley says, and Erwin’s death grip relaxes. “Consider it a trial period: if I hear of any more transgressions, I’ll have him put straight into the hands of the Military Police. Understood, Commander?”

“Yessir,” Erwin says.

“Good. Then that’s all. Good luck, Erwin. I’m afraid you’ll need it.”

The commissioners start getting up. Erwin salutes and turns, goes out. Levi follows him. The door shuts behind them and Erwin marches down the hallway, face still as closed-off as it was inside the room. Levi falls into step at his right shoulder.

“Idiot,” Levi says after a while.

Erwin doesn’t even break his stride. “I meant every word I said.”

“That’s what makes you an idiot.”

“There isn’t a person in the Corps that wouldn’t do the same.”

“Then it’s an entire Corps of idiots. Erwin.” Levi takes Erwin’s arm and forces him to stop, to look at him. “If they had decided to execute me, would you still have given up the post?”

Erwin is silent for a while. “Probably not,” he admits.

“Thought as much.” Levi lets go of his arm.

“But do you really think they’d let me keep the post, after a power play like that?” Erwin adds.

Levi frowns at him. “You risk too much.”

Erwin shrugs and continues down the hallway. “I risk what’s needed.”

***

They celebrate, that night.

The Garrison soldiers who catch word of it, the civilians seeing the preparations, the MP’s hearing the rumors, they’re all utterly disgusted at the idea of a _party_ , now. Humanity just suffered the worst blow in a century, hundreds of people lost their life; who in his right mind would celebrate at a time like this?

Then again, everyone knows the Corps is full of people who explicitly aren’t in their right mind.

Levi doesn’t care. Even in the darkest of times you have to be able to focus on the positive, that’s the only way to stay sane in this living hell. Fuck what everyone else thinks.

The rest of the Corps seems to share his opinion. It’s as if they’re sick of mourning, as if they’ve collectively decided to stop grieving. The dead, for the moment, are not so much forgotten as put aside. Even the six remaining members of Levi’s recruit squad stubbornly refuse to grieve tonight. Instead everyone is focusing on Erwin, Erwin’s promotion, Erwin’s successful command. Mike keeps cheering him, Mette leads a singsong in his honor, and Hange hugs him every time they pass his chair.

There’s something almost aggressive about all the cheer. Not entirely natural, like they’re forcing themselves to be happy. A conscious _fuck you_ to a universe that keeps shitting on them.

Levi can sympathize.

He stays for an hour or two, then leaves the mess and finds himself a place on the roof, to look up at the stars.

It’s at times like when the absence of Farlan really hits him, like a punch in the gut. Not that he doesn’t feel welcome with the rest of the Corps; they made it very clear that they’re glad he was allowed to stay on. He could easily go down and pretend to be part of the group, join in the jokes and stories. But it’s not the same.

He misses Farlan. He misses having someone he knows almost everything about, who knows almost everything about him. He misses communicating in nothing but looks and gestures, talking openly to someone without holding back secrets, the familiarity of a body next to his, the steady calming sound of another person’s breathing at night. And he misses the sex. He hasn’t fucked anyone since Farlan died, for a whole lot of reasons.

“Thought I’d find you here,” a voice comes from behind him.

“Go back in, Erwin,” Levi says, still staring at the stars. “You’ve got responsibilities now.”

“You’re part of my responsibilities as well.” Erwin sits down next to him. Levi can see his bent leg from the corner of his eye, the leather of his boot and the straps digging into his thigh. His hand is resting loosely on his knee. That’s where he keeps his tension, Erwin, one of the few tells he has, a clenched fist or a twitching finger. But now his hand is open and relaxed.

“I’m fine,” Levi says irritably.

“That’s why you’re out here brooding on your own rather than celebrating with the rest of us?”

“I don’t like crowds. They give me a headache.”

Erwin doesn’t reply, but he stays where he is. Maybe he isn’t fond of noise either.

Levi sighs and turns his head. “What’s up?”

“I thought I should tell you.” Erwin looks down at him. “I’m sending you away.”

Levi sits up abruptly. “What?”

“Not _away_ away, obviously,” Erwin says, with a slight smile. “We’ve been asked to help out with the evacuations in the north. It’ll be you and a few others, to coach and lead Garrison squads.”

“Leading a squad of cowardly idiots to protect a bunch of screaming stupid civilians?” He huffs. “I’m looking forward to it.”

“You’ll do fine,” Erwin says. “You have excellent training experience, after all.”

Levi doesn’t reply.

“It’s not your fault they died, Levi,” Erwin says gently.

“They were my responsibility.” He shifts. “They all are. That’s what you told me, remember?”

“Yes, but responsibility isn’t all-encompassing. You’ve got to see where your responsibility ends as well. Besides…” He ducks his head, catching Levi’s eye. “It’s your work that gave the six remaining ones the skill to survive. Nanaba, Rani, Diego… Do you think they would have stood a chance without what you taught them?”

Levi looks down at the roof, toying with a buckle of his harness. “What about the rest of the Corps?” he asks. “What are they going to do?”

“We’re staying at HQ.” Erwin sits up straight again. “High Command isn’t ready to see us leave. I think they fear another attack and don’t want us out on expedition, in case we’re needed.”

Levi snorts. “They’ll have to cope eventually. What’s the point of the Survey Corps if we stay inside the walls?”

“Exactly. It’s more important than ever that we go outside, find new information. We need - ” He stops.

Levi swings his legs around, facing Erwin. He’s looking tired, and alright, it’s been a long and exhausting few days but that still doesn’t explain how _haggard_ he looks. Masks off, defenses down.

“What is it?” Levi asks.

“Hm?” Erwin says absently.

“Whatever it is that’s preying on you.”

Erwin looks at him, surprised. 

“Don’t tell me it’s guilt,” Levi says derisively. “We couldn’t have – ”

“No.” Erwin shakes his head. “No, not that. It’s just…” He breaks off again, looking almost insecure.

“ _What_ , Erwin?” Levi says impatiently.

“The attack.” Erwin shifts, frowning deeply. “All these years we’ve been fighting Titans, but this is the first time we’ve seen anything like this. A directed attack. An _intelligent_ one. Are they evolving? Was it just a new kind of Aberrant? Or…”

“Or?” Levi asks.

Erwin meets his eyes. “Or is there someone behind them.”

Down below, there’s the muted sound of a cheer, the muffled sounds of the party still going on. It feels unreal, out here, with the cold air and the silver stars and Erwin’s words hanging heavy between them.

“I’ve seen a lot of things,” Levi says, slowly. “A lot of evil. People getting off on sickening kinds of violence, people so devoid of any kind of feeling they might as well be dead. Sadism. Abuse of power. Purposeful cruelty.” He turns to look at Erwin. “But this? You really think someone would use Titans? Against the whole of humanity? That’s insanity.”

“Unless they thought they could achieve a goal with it. Use it as pressure.” Erwin looks away. “People have done worse, haven’t they?”

“Have they?”

Erwin stares out at the city, mouth thin. No wonder he looks gloomy, if that’s what’s been on his mind.

“ _At all costs_ ,” Erwin says. “Those are words I’ve used as well. What if our enemy thinks the same?”

“To do _what_ , Erwin? What can possibly be considered worth it?”

“I don’t know.” He sighs and runs a hand over his face. “Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the attack was just a fluke, bound to happen one day but unlikely to repeat itself. Or maybe they _are_ evolving, becoming intelligent, and then we – we…”

“We’re fucked,” Levi finishes for him.

Erwin gives him a tired smile. “Yes. And there’s no way to know for sure what’s happening. All we can do is keep our eyes open and search for something, anything that might bring more clarity.”

Levi lies back down on the roof and lets the words sink in. An enemy. Someone behind all this, someone or something controlling what they always thought of as mindless beasts… In a way, it makes things better, giving them something to focus on.

“This changes everything, doesn’t it?” Levi asks.

“It… it does.”

Levi glances at Erwin, and yeah, there is the tension: fingers clenched into a fist, thumb rubbing over a knuckle.

“We should change the way we fight,” Erwin says. “Stop being reactive, think more in strategy. Set our goals higher than just _survival_. We…” He stops, as if he can’t find the right words.

As if he doesn’t dare say them out loud.

“You want to _win_ ,” Levi says, slowly. “That’s it, isn’t it? You don’t just want us to defend ourselves, you want to wage a war. You want to _defeat_ them.”

Erwin’s mouth actually falls open for a second, before he rallies. “That’s…”

“Am I right?” Levi asks.

“I… Yes. Yes, you are.”

“Good.” He gives Erwin a grim smile. “Personally I’d rather take some risks rather than just cower behind our walls like fucking rabbits waiting to be slaughtered.”

“I thought you would,” Erwin says. Then he looks down again, fingers still restless. There’s something hard about his face, even with that odd sense of insecurity still going on.

The last time Levi saw that particular expression was when Erwin admitted to having indirectly caused Shadis’ first doomed expedition.

“Have you mentioned this to anyone else?” Levi asks.

“No. I couldn’t…” Erwin stops, lips thinning. “Who could I trust?”

“Me, apparently.”

“Yes.” Erwin looks at him. “You.”

Below, vague offkey singing starts. In the silence of the night it sounds eerie, unearthly, as if it’s coming from a completely different world than the one they’re in, and the only real people left here are him and Erwin.

Erwin looks down, fingers toying with the straps on his thigh. “Why is it,” he says, sounding half frustrated, half… half something else. “Why is that you, of all people, that I…” He trails off.

Dangerous territory.

“You should go back,” Levi says, after a while.

Erwin stands up, shakes himself, and somehow seems to regain something of his usual composure. “You should too. At least part of the celebrations are for you, you know.”

“I don’t need to be celebrated,” Levi says irritably.

“No, but _they_ need to celebrate you. Come on.” Erwin offers his hand. “Do your duty.”

“Fuck you, Erwin,” Levi says as Erwin pulls him up.

Erwin gives him a mock-stern look. “That’s _Commander_ now, Lance Corporal.”

“Fuck you, _Commander_ ,” Levi says, and Erwin’s lips twitch up in something that could almost be a smile.

***

The evacuations take weeks. Levi spends almost all of his time repeating that first defense, circling settlements and villages, going up and down trade routes, and killing everything that comes close. Before long the tingling feeling of Titan blood on his skin seems to have become permanent. He dreams of fighting and eats while fighting and struggles to remember a time when his life was more than blades and blood.

He has killed more in the last few weeks than he has in the entire year before.

The only thing that changes are his squads. Each village, each settlement, a few dozen Garrison soldiers are put in front of him, shaky and undisciplined. Most of them haven’t used their gear since they graduated, and just the sight of a Titan, just the _sound_ , is enough to make them go sick with fear.

It takes all Levi’s got to get them to fight, but somehow it works. They act like he’s a god, following his orders blindly and putting their lives into his hands without a second thought. It’s unnerving, their total lack of initiative, but at least they listen - and because they listen, most of them stay alive.

One village blends into another, bigger and smaller, in the mountains or the forests or the plains, the threat of the Titans always present. He never stops listening for the telltale thump of Titan’s feet, never stops scanning the horizon for approaching shapes, and after a while it’s like he’s never done anything else. Like his life has narrowed to this, the endless repetition of arriving at a village, coordinating with the local troops, ride across and around until the last civilian is safely within Wall Rose. Life in HQ seems like a fever dream.

But when, after yet another village, yet another evacuation, he asks a Garrison captain where they’re off to next, he gets nothing but a surprised look.

“Nowhere,” the captain says. “This was the last village.”

“Oh.” Levi looks out across the plains, the steaming Titan corpses. “We’re done?”

“Yessir. There’s no one left outside Wall Rose. Everyone is evacuated.”

 _Or dead_ , Levi almost adds. He wipes his arm across his face. “So…”

“Orders arrived from Commander Smith this morning, sir.” The captain gets a piece of paper from her jacket. “Asking you to return as soon as possible, once you were done here. We have fresh horses standing by. Or, uh, we can also prepare a room and a bath, if you want?”

Levi looks down at his uniform. He has cleaned off the worst of the blood but he’s still filthy. A bath would be nice. Some rest too, because his vision is going blurry with exhaustion. But…

“I’ll take the horses.”

“Of course, sir.” She walks off and he follows her. The ground feels weird, too flat, and it’s like he’s moving at a snail’s pace, unnaturally slow. The consequence of spending almost all his waking hours in his gear, in the air.

Time to go home.

***

He rides back alone. He should probably do the responsible thing and find the other Corpsmen on evacuation duty, ride back with them, but… He just wants to _get back_ , as soon as possible - and that’s what Erwin’s orders said, didn’t they? - so he just keeps galloping, changing horses twice, until finally the walls of the HQ are in sight.

There’s a shout as he comes close, and people rush to the battlements, waving at him, cheering. Welcoming him back.

What was it Erwin had said? _You’ve won their hearts_.

He didn’t need this fucking bullshit.

The big gates swing open as he approaches. He rides through to the courtyard to find what looks like at least a quarter of the entire fucking Corps standing around and staring at him. He’s only been gone for three weeks, but you’d think they’re welcoming back a long-lost relative by the way they’re looking at them.

He gets off his horse and briefly staggers as his feet get used to the ground again. Immediately several people rush forward to support him. “Are you alright, Corporal?” someone asks.

He steadies himself, then says, pointedly,  “Haven’t you got anything better to do?”

They obediently disperse, some of them looking over their shoulders a few times as if they want to make sure he’s still there, in one piece. He closes his eyes and runs his hand over his face, ignoring them.

“Sir?” someone asks.

Levi opens his eyes. One of the stable boys is holding the reins of Levi’s horse, eyebrows raised in question. “Can I?” the kid asks.

Levi nods and steps aside. “Where’s Erwin?”

“The Commander?” they say, surprised. “Upstairs, in his office. We aren’t to disturb him.”

“Fuck that.” Levi takes a step forward, but the kid grabs his arm.

“He _told_ us to - ” they say, insistently.

Levi gives them an icy look and they step back, hands raised.

Idiot.

He goes inside the main building and up the stairs. As he goes up, he absently runs his fingers over the walls, the rough stone catching against his fingertips. Maybe it’s tiredness, maybe it’s something else, but...

It’s odd. He never gets attached to places - he has moved around too much to be able to afford that - but there’s still something comforting about the simple solid presence of the building, the stone walls and the narrow stairs, the smell of the gas that inevitably lingers everywhere. Familiar. Welcoming

It’s stupid. It’s just stone, and that can be destroyed easily enough. He saw plenty of examples of that, the last few weeks.

He opens the door to Erwin’s office without bothering to knock, then pauses in the doorway. Erwin is behind his desk, and in front of him are Mette, Latour, and Eriksson, all standing at attention.

Levi blinks, for a brief moment disoriented - he’d been counting on having Erwin to himself.

Erwin looks up at Levi and smiles. “I thought I heard cheering.”

“You'd think they've got more useful things to do.” Levi closes the door, then drops into a chair, arms leaning on his thighs. “They’re - ”

“ _Stand up in front of your commander_ ,” Latour snaps.

Levi looks up in surprise. “What?”

“It’s fine,” Erwin says quickly. “Dismissed, Squad Leaders.”

They all rip off a salute, even Mette, then march out. Levi watches them leave, still confused. It’s like he stepped into the wrong office and Erwin is secretly Shadis in disguise.

“So, how did it go?” Erwin asks. “I’ve been hearing good things.”

Levi turns back to Erwin. “Depends on what you call _good_. People died. Less than would have died if we hadn’t been there.”

“Really?” Erwin shuffles a pile of letters. “I’ve received glowing reports. According to these, you took out about a hundred Titans without even breaking a sweat.”

“Scared people make unreliable witnesses.” He rubs his forehead, tiredness creeping up again. “Dozens, maybe. Not a hundred, not at once.”

“Still impressive.” Erwin leans back. “How did you like leading a squad?”

“It was alright,” Levi says cautiously. “They were a little slow on the uptake, but they listened.”

“Good.” Erwin pulls a paper to him and writes something down. “I’m giving you a new one.”

“What’s going to happen to the remaining recruits?” Levi asks immediately.

Erwin looks up, eyebrows raised. “That’s your first question? Not who the squad will be, what its purpose is?”

“Tell me the brats are with someone decent and you can start talking details.”

Erwin leans back again, hands behind his head, eyes fixed on Levi. Studying him – but why? He knows Levi takes his responsibilities with the recruits seriously. He wouldn’t have given the squad’s command to Levi if he didn’t believe that, so why the sudden scrutiny?

“I’ve spread them out in duos over the other squads,” Erwin says eventually. “They’ve proven themselves enough to be allowed to be part of the Corps as full members. Don’t you agree?”

Levi gives a reluctant nod. “So, the new squad?”

“Somewhere between half a dozen and a dozen men, of your own choosing. Pick the best, but also the most reliable.”

“Why?”

Erwin smiles. “I’d almost forgotten how contrary you can be.”

Levi raises an eyebrow. “Expected me to go _yessir_ and just swallow whatever orders come my way, did you?”

“I _am_ the commander, you know,” Erwin says mildly.

“Yeah, I noticed.” He nods at the window. “Kid outside didn’t want to let me up at first because it would be going _against your orders_.”

“And you…”

“Ignored them.” Levi leans back in his chair. “Obviously. You still haven’t answered my question.”

“Right," Erwin says. “The squad. I’m going to need a special ops team. People I can trust to use their own initiative, to investigate and do recon. And who can be discreet, if need be.”

“Discreet?” Levi sits up straighter. “You want me to spy for you?”

“Not exactly.” Erwin shifts, fingers resting on the documents, tapping lightly. “But there might come a time when I… when I don’t necessarily want everyone to know what we’re doing.”

“Secret missions.”

“Yes.”

Levi cocks his head. “I don’t need to ask what this is for, do I?”

Erwin smiles, sparse and tense. “Good to know you’re keeping up. We’re… Well, it’s still a work in progress.” He looks away, then stands up and goes to the window, looking out.

Levi stays where he is, watching him.

“At this point, everything we have is guesswork,” Erwin says. “Conjecture. We’re running blind here. Those two Titans - were they a different kind? Are there more like them out there? How do they work - and how do normal Titans work? Shiganshina contradicted a lot of our theories.” He looks over his shoulder. “We need information, Levi. In whatever way we can get it.”

Levi nods. “I’ll start looking for people tomorrow.”

“Good.” Erwin turns, then snaps his fingers. “Oh, almost forgot. You need to meet up with Hange as well.”

“Hange?”

“Yes, they’re doing more experiments. They watched you during the evacuation of Shiganshina - they said something about trajectories, attack patterns.” He shrugs. “I don’t pretend I understood much of it, but the point is that they’d like to study your movements, see if there is anything they can use. Alright?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Good. Then there’s…” He trails off. “Tired?”

“I’m fi- ” Levi starts to say, but his body betrays him and he yawns, hugely.

“Really?” Erwin gives him a wry smile.“Go get some sleep, Levi. That’s an order.”

“Yessir,” Levi says lazily. “Right away, _sir_. Is that how I’m supposed to do it?”

“ _Dismissed_ , Corporal,” Erwin says, with the same bossy cadence he had with the squad leaders earlier. Which would be fine if it’s just a joke, but...

Levi sits up and squints at him. “Are you serious about this?”

“What?” Erwin asks, sounding genuinely puzzled.

“ _Corporal_?” Levi echoes sarcastically. “Am I supposed to jump up now? Salute, stand like I’ve got a broomstick up my ass?”

“I…” Erwin blinks. “Everyone else does. I mean, military etiquette - ”

“ - requires that I kiss your ass?”

Erwin makes a small sound, like he’s choking, or trying not to laugh. “It’s supposed to show respect.”

Levi huffs. “I never respected you, you know that. I don’t see why that should change now, just because you’ve got a shiny new bauble. Pretty one, though.” He nods at Erwin’s chain of office. “Could fetch a good price on the black market.”

“Don’t even think about it,” Erwin says, still with that same sense of suppressed amusement.

“Too late for that,” Levi says lazily.

“Just - ” Erwin sighs. “I’m _in charge_ , Levi. Did you think we could just go on like we used to? Of course some things are different now.”

“Like me not being allowed to sit down in your presence? Don’t tell me you expect me to obey that.”

Erwin tilts his head back and looks at the ceiling for a moment, like he’s gathering patience. Then he looks at Levi again. “I won’t tell you what you need to listen to and not. Just - use your common sense, Levi. And try not to forget that I’m your commander now.”

“Fine.” Levi sits up. “Got a broomstick I can borrow?”

“ _Out_ ,” Erwin orders, but his smile is breaking through. “You might think otherwise but this _shiny bauble_ , as you call it, comes with a lot of extra work.”

Levi stands up. “I’ll leave you to it, then. _Sir_.”

Erwin returns to his desk, still smiling. Levi swings a salute at him for good measure, then strolls out of the office.

***

The next morning Levi oversleeps, which is something that hardly ever happens. He even wakes up slowly and peacefully, where usually he just goes from sleep to full ready-to-fight alertness in less than a second.

He sits up and rubs his eyes. The sheets smell clean and fresh, something he didn’t really notice last night. After weeks of absence they should have been musty and unaired.

He gets out of bed and goes to the washtable. There’s water and soap, which he definitely did not put there last night. Did someone sneak up to his room the second he came into HQ to prepare it? Either way, it’s handy. Finally he’s able to thoroughly wash away all the filth and blood still sticking to him.

Once he’s clean again he dresses in fresh clothes - another thing that he’s been sorely missing the last few weeks - and goes down. The mess is empty at this hour, so he steals some food from the kitchens, then goes outside and finds a quiet spot to observe the training grounds.

Most of the Corps are practicing manoeuvres. He tracks his eyes over them, matching faces to names and previous performances. A dark-haired woman, serenely flying through the air with all the natural flair of a bird - Katja, right? And the man she’s training with is Willem, one of Mette’s squad. The two soldiers he saw in action during Shiganshina.

He immediately thought of those two when Erwin mentioned the Special Ops squad. Anyone coolheaded enough to perform a move that skilled and complicated during the fucking chaos of that attack deserves a place in the elites. Plus, to be able to work together that flawlessly… It’s not something he’s particularly good at, so he’s going to need someone to learn it from.

He finishes his breakfast and goes over. They’re repeating the move he saw in Shiganshina - Katja moving away from the target, Willem catching her to launch her back - but they stop and touch down when they see him approaching.

“Corporal?” Katja asks, wiping the sweat from her forehead.

“Whose idea was that?” Levi nods at the training field. “The way you work together…”

“Uh, hers, mostly,” Willem says. “About a year back, we were out on expedition and I lost my footing. She caught me by the arm, launched me the other way… It, uh, worked kinda better than we were expecting.”

“Then when we got back, we practiced together, see if it worked when, you know…” She smiles. “He’s not falling to his death. And apparently it does.”

“So you developed that on your own?”

They exchange a look. “Uh, yeah?” Katja says. “We did talk to Eriksson about it, but you need to really trust each other for it to work, so…”

“Yeah, thought as much. So what did you - ”

“ _Hey, short-ass_!” Hange’s voice comes from somewhere behind him.

Levi winces, and Katja and Willem pull matching pained faces. Not that it stops Hange, of course: they just come over to join them, then wrap their arm around Levi’s shoulders like he invited them to.

“What do you want, foureyes?” Levi says tiredly.

“You’ve got a promise to keep, remember?” They squeeze his shoulders. “The commander said you’d agreed, so come on. Show off for me!”

No point in protesting. He lets himself be dragged off, throwing one last look at Katja and Willem, who are - high-fiving each other, apparently. Weird.

He turns to Hange. “ _The commander?_ ” he says. “Have you started as well?”

“Hm?”

“This whole - _thing_.”

Hange gives him a politely uncomprehending look.

“With Erwin,” Levi says impatiently. “Treating him like he’s one of the brass, saluting, standing up when he comes in...”

Hange smiles. “Well, Levi, that’s ‘cause he _is_ one of the brass.”

“He’s not a - ” But he stops as they reach the training field, where Erwin is talking to Mike and Mette. They’re both standing at attention, faces serious, as if they’re talking to a stranger instead of an old friend.

“Sir!” Hange says as they come close. Even they salute. "You need anything?"

“No, we’re just finished here.” Erwin turns to Levi. “Come find me at the stables when Hange’s done with you, there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“Sure,” Levi says, frowning.

“Carry on, then.” And he leaves, without a backwards glance.

The other three relax and Hange stretches. “Well, that’s - ”

“What the fuck’s _wrong_ with you?” Levi asks, incredulously.

“If you mean Hange,” Mette says cheerfully, “that’s the question everyone’s been asking since day one.”

“No, I meant…” Levi waves a hand at Erwin’s retreating back. “When did you start bowing and scraping?”

“Since he’s been made commander,” Mette says slowly, as if Levi is missing something obvious.

“Levi’s confused about military hierarchy,” Hange says cheerfully. They give Levi a condescending look. “Poor you, it must be very confusing without the benefits of three years training.”

“It’s just - respect, Levi,” Mette says. “We're showing that we accept his leadership.”

“ _I_ accept his leadership, but that doesn’t mean I’ve suddenly got to treat him like a fucking god, do I? Everything’s changed just because he’s got a shiny new title?” Levi huffs. “You’d think his shit’s turned gold, the way you treat him.”

Mike shrugs, unconcerned and unshocked. “He’s our commander, now. That’s how it works.”

“Not where I come from.”

“The dungheap?” Hange suggests cheerfully.

He takes a threatening step forward and Hange dances back, hands raised in surrender. Mette yanks Levi back by the arm.

"You've got better things to do than murdering your squadmates, Levi." She points at the training field. "Go on, show off to Hange. Shoo.”

“Levi-i…” Hange whines. They fold their hands together and open their eyes wide, entreating. “Will you please just show me?”

Levi rolls his eyes, but he shakes off Mette's hand and goes to the practice grounds. Hange gets out a notebook and leans forwards, their science-face on. Mette and Mike stand next to them, Mike with folded arms, Mette with her hand tucked into the crook of Mike’s elbow, both with an expression that clearly says they’re waiting to be entertained.

Levi focuses on the terrain. They’ve cleared a large part of the parcours, and the only people left are those standing by the sidelines as spectators. He’s got the playground all to himself.

He tracks his eyes over the obstacles and trees and buildings - different than he remembers it, they must have changed it. Unfamiliar terrain. A challenge.

He breathes in deeply. Everything comes into focus, sharp and clear. It’s as if time slows, as if the world dissembles itself so he can look at each part separately. He takes it all in, deciding on the best way.

Then he throws out his line.

***

“Your balance is _outta this world_ ,” Hange screeches, once Levi finally lands again.

“That’s your scientific analysis, is it?” Levi says critically.

“Seriously, have you ever done tightrope walking?” They bounce around him, studying him like they’re suspecting he has wings hidden inside his heels. “You’d be brilliant. How do you keep from losing your sense of direction? And the way you can adjust your flight mid-spin, _how_ do you even do that?”

“Careful, Levi,”  Mike says. “Think they’ve fallen in love,”

“Actually, I think I’m the only left who isn’t in love with Levi,” Hange says, still bouncing around Levi.

Levi frowns. “What?”

“You haven’t heard?” Hange grins. “Ever since they heard about Levi’s _exclusive, elite_ squad, everyone’s been fighting for a place. There’ve been bets,” they add with some satisfaction.

“And no doubt you’re playing bookie.” Levi wipes some dust from his shirt.

“Gotta have some fun. And you can’t lecture me on illegal things, Lance Corporal.”

He gives them a dark look. “If I hear one complaint about you ripping anyone off you’re going _down_ , Hange.”

“Aww,” Mette coos, while Hange assumes a wounded, offended expression. “Levi, Team Mom, looking out for all of us.”

“Fuck off.” He adjusts a buckle on his harness. “Do you want me to go again, or are you finally going to believe me when I say this is not about easily teachable tricks?”

“No, we’re good, I’ve got enough to be getting on with.” They tap their pencil on the notebook. “For the moment. Once I’m done designing the net we’ll go again, see if we can find some way for you to shoot it off accurately.”

“A net?” He cocks his head, frowning. “What do we need nets for?”

Mike suddenly straightens up and Mette makes some odd gesture, but Hange doesn’t notice.

“Hm? Oh, for the Titan capture,” they say casually.

Mette winces. Mike takes a small step forwards. Hange just keeps writing, completely oblivious.

And Levi stares at them.

“Capture?”

“Yeah, you know. I was thinking a trap first, but nets might be better. Don’t you - ” They look up, and the abstracted look on their face promptly disappears. “Oh. You - Right. Oops.”

“You can’t be fucking serious,” Levi says flatly.

“Of course I’m serious,” Hange says, full of enthusiasm again. “It’s a brilliant idea, isn’t it? Capture a Titan, lock him up in a fort somewhere, and study him! It’ll be the greatest feat of the Survey Corps to date!”

“Have you lost your fucking _mind_?” Levi snaps. “If you capture a Titan you kill it, that’s just –  Do you have any fucking idea of the risk?”

“Oh, come on.” They pull a face. “Erwin said you’d be annoyed over this, but even you’ve got to see the - ”

“Erwin knows about this?”

“Of course,” Hange says. “He gave permission a week ago. He - Levi?”

But by then he’s already gone. Stables, he’d said, so Levi strides past the main building to the east side, only half-aware at people staring at him. Let them stare, why the fuck should he care about politeness and fucking propriety _now_?

He rounds the corner and there he is, their precious commander, giving orders to one of the veterinary officers.

 _“Erwin_ ,” Levi yells.

Erwin looks up, a little surprised. “Yes?”

“ _This_ is what you fucking meant by _learning about our enemy_? Has the power gone to your head?”

Erwin sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Is this about Hange?”

“Yes, it’s about fucking Hange,” Levi snarls. “Everyone knows they’re out of their mind, but I wouldn’t have expected you to fucking _indulge_ them in their insanity.”

“Levi – ”

“You can’t seriously consider – it would be a fucking death sentence for everyone involved, if you – ”

“Will you _shut up?_ ”

“Have you – ”

“We’re not doing this in public,” Erwin hisses. He grabs Levi’s arm and drags him into the stables, then closes the door behind them.

“Don’t you _think_?” he snaps, rounding on Levi. “Do you want to kill what little morale we have left?”

“You mean you want to keep the truth from them.” Levi glares at him. “What the fuck are you thinking, giving Hange permission?”

“I told you, we need to learn – ”

“At the risk of losing how many of our people? We barely manage to kill Titans, do you have any idea how many men it would take to capture one? How many _lives_?”

“No. And neither do you. Which is why we need to find out.” Erwin rubs his forehead. “Look, Levi, I realize this is something you feel strongly about, but it’s a necessary risk, and we – ”

“I’m not having my men die pointless deaths because fucking Hange wants to play with the monsters.”

Erwin freezes. “ _Your_ men?” he says softly.

“Yeah, _mine_ ,” Levi snarls. “Since you’ve obviously grown tired of the responsibility if you’re just throwing away lives for shits and giggles.”

“The risk is – ”

“Not worth it,” Levi interrupts. “When you’re face to face with a wild animal, you kill it, you don’t stop to ask it _questions_. Have you lost any fucking common sense you had left?”

“ _Levi_.” Erwin’s voice is growing louder, more obviously angry. “This isn’t your decision to make.”

“Is that right?” Levi shoots back, livid. “Because I’m sure as _hell_ not cooperating with this.” He takes a few steps away from Erwin, biting back hard on his fury. “All this time you tried to force me to care, and now I’m supposed to throw that all away? Ignore it? Just stand back and watch you slaughter people for nothing but a mad idea?”

“It’s not a - ” Erwin starts, heated, but then he stops himself.

“Not a what?” Levi asks. “Come on, I’m dying to hear you explain this.”

“I don’t need to justify myself to you,” Erwin says, ice-cold.

“Yeah, you fucking do,” Levi snaps. “Because right now it looks like you’re going to let people die for no good reason and I _don’t_ follow orders that lead to meaningless deaths.”

“You think you have a choice?”

They stare at each other.

Then Levi yanks the door open and strides out.

“ _Levi_ ,” Erwin shouts after him.

Levi ignores him.

***

The men are watching him.

Fuck knows why. He’s used to a certain amount of admiration by now, but there’s something new going on. Maybe it’s the evacuations, and the fucking rumors that started, of him taking down hundreds of Titans in one go without a scratch.

Or maybe it’s because of what happened in the stables. A lot of people were standing around when he came out. Fuck knows how much they heard.

He breathes in deeply and closes his eyes, ignoring the stares and concentrating only on his balance, the ground beneath his feet that he’s going to leave behind any second now, the straps of the harness against his side and legs and feet and chest -

“Corporal?” someone asks.

Damnit.

“What?” Levi says, eyes still closed.

“I, uh… Just, uh, glad to have you back.”

Levi cracks one eye open. Two of Mike’s squad are standing in front of him. One of them - Lynne or something? - elbows the other in the side and she clears her throat. “Uh, about your squad, sir. We were just wondering if you - ”

“Haven’t decided yet,” he says curtly.

“Told you Katja and Willem were talking shit,” Lynne mutters. “So when - ”

“When I’m ready. Fuck off.”

“Yessir!”

And off they trot.

Levi looks after them. His _exclusive_ , _elite squad_. Maybe that’s why they’re staring, trying to figure out who he’s going to choose?

Then again, Erwin may have changed his mind by now. Maybe Levi will get people assigned to him instead of being allowed to choose them himself. Or maybe Erwin will bench him, like Shadis did, since Levi is _clearly_ no longer a trusted reliable element.

He forces himself to stop thinking before his anger gets the better of him again and closes his eyes, concentrating. Balance and weight, the wind against his face and hands, that strange sixth sense of knowing where there’s open space and not, where the obstacles are…

He’s just about to take off when a voice says, “Hello, sir.”

Levi sighs and opens his eyes again. It’s Nanaba, standing at his side with their hands folded behind their back.

“What?” he snaps.

“Am I, uh, interrupting anything?” they ask.

 _Yes_ , he’s about to say, but there’s something about them that makes him pay attention. “Why?”

“I…” They rock forward on their heels. “Just - I - No, it’s nothing, sir. Sorry for disturbing you.” And they turn to leave, a faint blush on their cheeks.

Levi rolls his eyes and grabs Nanaba’s arm before they run off. They give him a slightly surprised look. “Sir?”

“There’s _something_ , or you wouldn’t be here. So spit it out.”

They shrug. “I just wanted a chat, really. Nothing urgent. And to ask, uh…” Their blush returns. “Was the room okay? Yesterday night, I mean.”

“That was you?” Levi asks, surprised.

They grin. “Not just me. Rani came get me when she saw you arrive, and then Max said something about how you always complained about unaired rooms, and it just seemed like a good idea.”

“I don’t need servants,” he says sharply.

“No, sir. I know. Just see it as a token of appreciation. We, uh.” They smile. “We just were really glad to see you back.”

“Were you?” Levi lets go of their arm.

"You coming back felt like the last piece, in a way." They lean on the fence next, face thoughtful. "And now it's finished and we can close it off and put it all behind us. If that makes sense."

He cocks his head and looks them up and down. They look calm, composed, even though there are dark circles underneath their eyes. Then again, Levi knows all about masks and fronts and hiding pain so deeply inside it’s never seen by anyone.

“How have you been doing?” he asks.

“Well enough.” They give him a wry smile. “I made it through alive. That’s… I mean, if I can survive Shiganshina, I can survive anything, right?”

Levi stays silent.

Nanaba looks down. “You know,” they say pensively, “when I first joined, someone - I think it was Squad Leader Zacharius? - told me I shouldn’t go around calling myself Survey Corps until I’d made it back from my first mission. I thought it was just some stupid rule, but…” They look up. “It changes you, doesn’t it? Actually seeing a Titan. Fighting one.”

“So you understand now, do you?” Levi asks.

“Yeah.” They sigh and run a hand over their face. “You know what the funny thing is? I actually _want_ to go outside again.”

“Not afraid?”

“Afraid?” They give him a darkly amused look. “I’m terrified. But the thought of being here, inside, when _they_ are out there…”

“You want to fight.”

“ _Yes_ ,” Nanaba says, something fierce in their eyes.

“Good,” Levi says. “Hold on to that. But don’t get reckless.”

“No, sir.” They give him a grim smile. “Trust me, you’ve taught us well.”

"I fucking hope so." He leans back against the fence next to them and crosses his arms. "So why did you want to talk, anyway?"

“I wanted to remind myself what you’re really like.” They glance at him. “The way some people talk about you, you almost sounded like a stranger to me. Some kind of supernatural being, immortal, invulnerable.”

Levi snorts. “Please tell me you don’t believe that shit.”

“Course not,” they say, with a slight smile. “You’re human, sir. We’ve seen you bleed. But that doesn’t - ” They breathe in. “That doesn’t change the fact that you _were_ amazing, out there.” They look at him.

And there it is. That look he’d seen on the face of each kid when they first rode out in the open, and then again after their first attack. That total faith in him. 

Levi’s stomach turns.

“You didn’t need me to survive,” he says. “You did that on your own. Don’t become over-reliant.”

“Yeah, sir. I know.” They look down. “It’s just nice, knowing you’re out there with us. Even when you’re in a different squad, or somewhere else entirely...  Just knowing that you’re on our side, that helps a lot.”

“Does it,” Levi says flatly.

“Yeah.” They shake their head. “I should get going. Thanks for your time, sir. I know you’ve been busy.”

“Not that busy that I don’t have time for the important things," Levi says, irritated.

Nanaba looks at him for a moment. Then they throw him a textbook salute. “Corporal!”

Levi rolls his eyes. “Fuck off.”

“Yessir!” They grin, then about-turn and leave, with a noticeable bounce in their step.

Levi watches them leave. He hadn’t expected any of them to recover this quickly, but Nanaba… They’re the perfect Survey Corps soldier, all coolheadedness and determination and control. If they’d had more experience he’d even consider recruiting them into his squad. As it is, they’ll manage just fine on their own.

Then again, he thought that of the others as well, and now there are seven fresh graves he can’t help but feel responsible for. All that unquestioning faith they had in him... It didn't do them much good in the end, did it?

Levi turns back to the training field and shoots off his line with far more violence than necessary.

***

_Levi! - and her hand raises and he sprints to her, feet slipping on the mud and the smell of rain and blood and he fucked up made a mistake too late not good enough helpless stupid too late -_

He wakes up with a gasp.

The sheets are clinging to him but he’s cold, chilled. Shaking. Heart racing.

He gets up and splashes water onto his face, then goes over to the window. He overslept again. Most of the Corps is already up, people scurrying around with all the activity and coordination of ants. He leans his shoulder against the wall and watches them, going about their business. Is that how Erwin sees everyone? Insects, easily disposed of and sacrificed?

 _For the greater good._ He should’ve seen this coming.

He breathes in and tries to force the anger down again. It doesn't really work. Probably the nightmares - it's difficult to be calm and detached when he can still smell mud and blood and rain and hear the ghost-echo of someone screaming his name.

A knock on the door makes him turn.  “Levi?” Mette’s voice asks.

"Yeah?"

She comes in and closes the door behind her. "Do you have a moment?"

"What do you want?"

“Talk to you.” She leans against the wall, arms crossed, face serious. “The kids don’t like it when Mommy and Daddy fight, Levi.”

He frowns. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“Turns out the stables aren’t that soundproof,” Mette says. “People heard what you said to Erwin. And they told other people, and now the entire Corps knows exactly what Hange's plan is, and what you think about it.”

“And?”

“ _And_?” She glares at him. “Half of the Corps heard you insulting the commander and saying everyone is going to die. Don’t you think that’s a problem?”

He shrugs. “It’s the truth.”

“Levi - ”

“Don’t tell me you agree with him,” he says, irritated.

“Of course I agree. He’s our _commander_.”

He turns and stares at her. “You’re not fucking serious.”

“It’s a risk, yeah, sure,” she says. “But so is everything else we do. I’m sure they said going beyond the walls was an unnecessary risk, once. Taking you in was a risk, and look how that turned out. Erwin is good with risks, Levi. It’s what he does. So why - ”

“It’s not worth it. There’s no chance in hell of succeeding and he knows it.” He turns away and steps into his harness. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter what I think, does it?” he adds, bitterly.

“Doesn’t it? Dozens of people heard you say you wouldn’t cooperate, that you’d stop him.”

“Hah. Well, we both know Erwin.” He puts his feet on the table and starts pulling the straps around his leg closed. “He’d have me chained to my bed while I’m sleeping, if that’s what it takes. I can’t stop him.”

“Damn right you can’t.”

“So I'll fucking cooperate.” He puts his boot on, then starts with the straps on the other leg. “Happy now? Reassured?”

“No,” she says impatiently. “Didn’t you hear what I said? People _heard_ you.”

He throws her a quick look. “And? Don’t they deserve to hear the truth?”

“You terrified them.”

“Maybe they should be terrified.” He pulls on his other boot, then tightens the strap across his chest. “If their fucking commander has lost any sense of fucking caution.”

“He’s your commander too, Levi.”

He looks up. She looks dead serious, in a way he doesn’t often see her. “Then what do you want me to do?” he asks. “Tell everyone that no, they don’t have to be afraid, it’s all going to be fine, no one is going to be killed and the plan might seem fucking reckless and irresponsible but is actually really safe?”

“Something like that, yes.”

“I’m not going to pretend to agree with something I don’t,” he says flatly.

“Even when it’s for the good of the Corps?”

“Who decides that?” He gets his jacket. “Erwin? He isn’t fucking infallible.”

“Doesn’t he deserve some loyalty, after all he’s - ”

“When he’s doing this?” He turns, facing Mette. “No. He doesn’t.”

Mette frowns. “Can’t you see what this is going to do to the men?”

“Not my fucking problem. Let Erwin sort this out.” He sneers at her. “That’s why we’ve got a commander, right?”

"To solve your shit?" She runs her hand through her hair, her face a picture of frustration. “I just don't understand - Why are you fighting this?"

"People are going to die," he says coldly. "That's why."

"So? We're Survey Corps. Come on, Levi. There are always people going to die, you of all people should know that."

He looks outside.

\- _a scream and he runs feet slipping in the rain too late too stupid mistake dead green eyes and red hair stained with mud -_

“Fuck Erwin.” He goes to the door and yanks it open. “And his fucking stupid-ass decisions. I’m going out. If Commander fuckface needs me, tell him that.”

“Where are you going?” she asks, surprised.

“Out,” he says, then strides down the corridor before she can stop him

“You’re a dick, Levi,” she yells after him.

He raises his hand in goodbye and doesn’t look back.

***

The city is fucking packed.

Levi didn’t really think about what the consequences of giving up Wall Maria would be, even though he helped with the evacuations himself, but it’s painfully clear to him now. Too little space. Too little food as well; Levi is far too familiar with starvation not to recognize that look in people’s eyes, notice the low-current hostility running through the crowds.

They let him pass without problems, though. One look at the Wings on his sleeve and they scatter, even if it means flattening themselves against the wall or practically crawling on top of each other to make room. Too many people owe their lives to the Survey Corps now. They don’t dare disrespect them like they used to.

He stops at the stairwell and takes a deep breath. He can already smell the stale musty air, familiar and disgusting, bringing back a whole rush of memories he’s not ready to deal with.

Maybe he shouldn’t be doing this.

“Sir?” a guard asks, confused.

“Let me through,” he says, and they step aside without any other questions. Nothing unusual; it was always much easier to get in than out. The _sir_ thing is new, though, as is the respect on their face. He still remembers perfectly how the MP’s used to look at him, back before he got the uniform.

He goes down the stairs. The descent into the damp cold darkness feels like stepping back into time, so familiar he’s got trouble processing it, as if his memories and reality are blending together without any way of knowing which is which.

His boot splashes in a puddle. The men at the bottom of the stairs give him a fleeting look, then stand back. Levi needs a few moments before his eyes are adjusted to the lack of light, and then - 

Nothing has changed. Down to every crumbling building, every stream of sewage, every crippled beggar, _nothing_ has changed.

He starts walking, aware of the eyes on him. Once again, people only see the uniform, but here there’s wariness instead of respect. He’s being eyed with a kind of suspicion that’s new to him, the distrust reserved for outsiders, and he wants to shake them, make clear that he’s still one of them at heart –

But is he? And was he ever? It had been tempting to believe, once he’d found Farlan, that he belonged here, even when they were working constantly to live above the ground. He’d found a family of sorts again, but…

He should have come back much earlier.

He takes a right. The streets and alleys are growing rougher, the kids disappearing and only the more violent kind of criminal hanging about. They’re watching him, probably trying to see if he’s carrying money, if it’s worth it to risk messing with the Military.

Not that long ago he’d been among them. He probably wouldn’t have thought twice about robbing a Corpsman.

A left, and then he’s there, the place where he spent some of the happiest years of his life. It’s already been taken in by squatters, the way every empty house is here. Any furniture or valuables they left has surely been stolen by now as well. That’s not what he’s here for.

He looks up. It doesn’t look like his home anymore, but that’s not surprising. It isn’t the first home he’s had to abandon and he knows the way places change once you’ve stopped living in them. But it’s still different, seeing it with his own eyes. Knowing for sure how _gone_ all that is.

He curls his fingers into a fist, thinks of Farlan’s grin as he showed off the house and Isabel falling in over the doorstep, and something inside of him fucking _howls_.

He misses them. He has missed them every single fucking day since he lost them and their deaths are clawed deep into his insides because he _failed them_ , they’re dead because of him, and he’s never going to fucking forget that.

And staring at their old home is going to do nothing to change that, either.

He turns and ducks underneath an overhanging arch to the main street, swallowing convulsively. He can’t break down here. If he shows even a sliver of weakness they’ll fucking jump him on the spot.

His hands go automatically to his sides for his blades, only to come up empty. They never wore those here, they just used the main gear. Different enemies to fight, and knives are of far more use in close combat than a huge fucking sword. He’s still carrying a knife in his boot, of course, and another at his belt, but… He feels off-balance. Unequipped. Vulnerable.

It’s fucking stupid. Nothing here even begins to compare to the threat of a Titan, with maybe the exception of –

No. He’s dead.

“Hey, soldier boy.”

He keeps walking, hood of his cloak hiding his face, eyes on the stinking ground.

“Survey Corps. Suicide Corps.” Two people fall into step to his right, two on his left, another few behind him. “Don’t you have anything fucking better to do than come here and laugh at us? Like going outside the walls and dying?”

Levi keeps walking.

“Survey Corps.” They spit on the ground. “Useless fucking weirdos, the lot of them.”

The one next to Levi steps in front of him, forcing him to a halt. Levi glares up at them from the cover of his hood. More than a head taller than him, and much heavier.

“Get out of my fucking way,” Levi says.

They hoot with laughter. “Or you’ll do what, you fucking runt? This isn’t the surface.” They grin, showing off blackened teeth, wafting with the stink of rot. “Your squad isn’t here to help you, you fucking upsider.”

"I don’t need them.” Levi reaches behind him. “I was fucking _raised_ here.”

He pulls his hood back. One of them gasps in recognition, but by then he has already lunged. He only just resists to cut through the nape of their neck; instead, he aims for the arm, then rolls down and slashes at the back of their calf. They go down, cursing.

Which still leaves six of them.

Levi flips his knife, drops into a crouch, and narrows his eyes as they try to surround him.

It’s familiar, much more so than the house. It’s what he knows, what he’s good at, what he’s been raised for.

It’s what he _is_.

***

The fight leaves bruises. It’s nothing serious and after a couple of days they’re mostly gone - Levi heals quickly - but Erwin still spots them. He doesn’t comment, though. He just pauses in the hallway, eyes on Levi’s face, and then starts walking again, without another word.

Which suits Levi fine.

He avoids Erwin the next few days, which is easy enough to do now he got tasked with headhunting. It’s more work than he had thought. There are plenty of good fighters in the Corps, but he needs more than that for his squad. It isn’t just about skills, it’s about attitude, personality. He needs people who aren’t afraid to use their initiative, who can think quickly and creatively.

He’s been searching for a whole week and he has still only got four potential candidates.

He crosses his legs, safely invisible on the top of one of the buildings, and looks down at the people training below. Eld seems to be a good one. Levi has seen him fight before and he’s quick, and coolheaded. Here, on the training field, he keeps trying out new things while the others just cling to the usual patterns.

He hooks into one of the trees and balances on a branch, scanning the field - and then he looks up, spotting Levi.

Levi raises his hand. After a moment of hesitation Eld waves back.

That’s five.

He closes his eyes, letting the sun scorch his face. The trip to the Underground made him realize just how much he’s come to enjoy it. And how used he has become to it.

It’s dangerous, letting his guard down like that. Nothing is permanent. It’s only a matter of time before it’s all snatched away from him and he’ll have to run again, start afresh, with another few scars and regrets and images to fuel his nightmares.

It might even be sooner than he thought, if Erwin goes through with his plan and they’ll have to face a battle against an enemy they’re not allowed to kill. How many pointless deaths would it take for the brass to panic and disband the Corps? Or maybe it won't even come to that, maybe they'll all just die on the battle field.

He breathes out. No sense in dwelling on Erwin’s plans now. There’s nothing he can do about it, and thinking about it just sets him off again. He needs to distract himself, focus on useful things, because if he doesn’t he’ll end up -

“Sir?”

He cracks one eye open and finds Rani’s worried face looking down at him. “What?”

“Sorry, I - I didn’t mean…” she stammers. “I saw you here and I thought - but I’ll, if you don’t - ”

“Sit down.”

She sits down cross-legged next to him. “Nanaba said I should talk to you.”

“Then talk.”

She stays silent.

Levi watches her. She looks far worse than Nanaba - but then again, she didn’t just lose fellow soldiers in battle, did she? Whatever it was her and Elsa had, losing it must have cost her.

“How’s your new squad?” he asks.

“Good. They teamed me up with Nanaba. They’re great, we work well together.”

Sounds neutral enough, but her tone is flat, with a little break starting to appear.

Levi waits.

“I miss her,” Rani says suddenly. Her eyes are shining; she wipes at them in annoyance. “I thought it would get better over time, but it’s still… How do you get over this?”

“You don’t,” he says, flatly. “You never do. Their deaths just become a part of you, and you have to find a way to live with that – or die yourself.”

“But, but how…”

“You just keep going.” He sits up.

“You make it sound so simple.”

“It’s not, I know.” He looks out over the training grounds below. “But that’s what it comes down to. Either you let the grief overwhelm you, break you, or you find some way to use it. Let it make you stronger.”

“Is… is that what you did?”

He looks down at her. She quivers, but doesn’t take it back.

“Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, it is.”

She wraps her arms around herself. “I don’t know how.”

“Think of it as avenging her. That helps.”

“Will it?” She leans her cheek on her knee, one tear running slowly down her face. “How can I just – just carry on like normal?” 

“What else can you do? Sit over her grave and wail all day? You think that’s going to bring her back?”

She winces. “No. But – ”

“Just keep busy. Train. Fight. Make her proud.” He stands up and holds out his hand. “Come on, let’s go down.”

He pulls her up, then drops down the roof. She follows him down and falls in step next to him.

“We joined together, you know,” she says, her voice steady again. “We practically grew up together. And we knew… You sometimes hear stories of one person dragging their friends along into the Survey Corps, but that wasn’t us. It was always both of us. I never expected to – ” Her voice breaks.

Levi watches her. She sniffles, then takes a deep breath and gives him a shaky smile. “Sorry, sir.”

He shrugs. “Nothing to be sorry for.” And then, before she can get even more soppy, “Should you be loafing around, anyway?”

Her cheeks color. “Uh…”

“Skipping training?”

“Yes. Sorry.”

He jerks his head. “Come on, then.”

They plod off together to the training grounds. “Will there…” she asks, hesitantly. “I mean, when I was still in the trainee Corps, skipping a training session got you latrine duty, at best.”

“Not here. The Survey Corps isn’t that strict on following rules. Not the stupid ones, at least.”

“Is… is that why you don’t salute the commander like the rest do?” she asks. “Is that a stupid rule?”

“Yeah, it fucking is.” He gives her a fleeting look. “Doesn’t mean _you_ should stop saluting, though,” he adds.

Which, on second thought, is pretty fucking hypocritical of him. And yet it feels deeply _wrong_ to imagine Rani not saluting Erwin, not showing him some kind of respect - although, does Erwin really deserve her respect, if he thinks so little of her life?

It’s a fucking mess.

They stop at the training grounds. “This where you were supposed to be?” Levi asks.

“Yes, but… What’s going on?”

There’s a small crowd gathered at one of the training rings, blocking his view.  All he can hear is the sounds of people fighting blade-to-blade.

Levi leaves Rani at the sidelines and shoulders his way through the crowd until he finds Hange, who’s watching the fight with obvious interest. “What’s happening?” he asks them.

“Oh, hi Levi! Didn’t see you down there!”

He stamps down on their foot in revenge, then leans sideways to look between the two men still standing in front of him. It’s just enough to catch a glimpse of what’s definitely Mike, fighting someone else, but then they disappear from sight again.

“Argument got out of hand,” Hange says.

“Really? Never thought I’d see Mike lose his temper.”

“Not like that. They were arguing with some of the men about the point of hand-to-hand training, and they decided to demonstrate.”

“Huh. And who was stupid enough to…” He trails off, as the men in front of him recognize his voice and quickly move out of the way, and Levi can finally see Mike’s opponent.

In the ring, Mike swings his blades in a high arch. Erwin dances out of the way just in time, then brings down his blade flat-side first on Mike’s wrist, forcing him to drop it. Mike curses and clutches his hand to his chest, and a cheer goes up from the watching crowd.

Erwin lowers his blade. “Reflexes,” he says to the watching men, in his lecturing-voice. “Seeing opportunities and taking advantage of them. Those are things you can only learn in the ring, or out in the field.”

“So, what? We need to start fencing?” someone asks.

“For example,” Erwin says. “And not just that. Hand-to-hand, rifles. Knives.”

“ _Knives_? That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it? Corporal Levi can – ” and then he stops, as he seems to notice Levi watching from the sidelines.

“Corporal Levi can what?” one of the watching soldiers pipes up.

Erwin turns back to them. “Can fight with a knife in a way that makes using blades a disadvantage,” he says. “It all depends on the circumstances. Everything can be a weapon, and not all weapons work in all situations. You need to think outside of the box if you want to survive.”

“But a knife doesn’t stand a choice against a blade. Does it?”

“Want me to show you?” Levi calls out.

The crowd parts further and everyone looks at him, Erwin included.

It comes as a shock. After days of avoiding Erwin, even just looking him in the eyes is enough to bring back all the anger and frustration he’s been trying to ignore - and suddenly he’s sick of it, sick of dancing to Erwin’s tune, sick of fighting his anger, sick of fucking  _obeying_.

Levi steps inside the ring without hesitation. Someone in the crowd hands him a knife and he takes it, fingers curling around the handle. He tears his eyes away from Erwin and looks around the ring.

“Well?” he asks. “Who wants to try?”

The crowd stays silent. So much for their scepticism.

Erwin coughs. “Mike, can you - ”

Mike shakes his head. “Wrist,” he says, raising his arm, which has gone red and swollen. “Anyway, last time I fought Levi he had me disarmed in three moves flat. You’re the one who got him to back down.”

“Scared, Erwin?” Levi asks.

“I’m the Commander, I can’t…” Erwin trails off, looks around. Everything is watching him intently. If he backs off now he’ll be the coward.

Bastard doesn’t have a choice.

“Anyone else?” Erwin tries. “No? Fine.”

He turns, finally facing Levi, and pulls his blades. Their eyes lock.

And all else fades. The noise from the watching crowd, the voices, the surroundings, everything outside of the ring simply stops existing. And Erwin simply becomes Levi’s opponent.

Levi drops into a crouch and circles Erwin, eyes on the blades, the way Erwin’s fingers tighten just before an attack, the tension in his legs as he lunges –

He spins out of the way of an attack just in time, rolls and slashes at the back of Erwin’s thigh and almost hits – but the bastard’s _fast_ , for someone his size, and he dodges just in time.

Levi jumps back up and rotates his wrist. He slowly circles Erwin, watching for an opening, an attack, anything he can use.

Even so, Erwin’s next lunge comes as a surprise. His shoulder slams hard into Levi’s side and Levi goes down, but he immediately rolls out of the way of Erwin’s blade, throws the knife to his other hand and slashes out and –

Stops. Less than an inch from the back of Erwin’s knee.

Levi blinks, breathing hard. The outside world comes back into focus, even though right now it’s nothing but a hush.

He straightens up again, brushes the sand from his clothes, and tries not to think about how easy it would’ve been to take the knife an inch or two further.

“Cut my tendons,” Erwin says. “Incapacitating me, so he can go straight for the kill after that. It doesn’t always have to be immediately lethal, something that goes for Titans as well.” He turns back to Levi.

Levi’s grip goes tight around the handle of his knife.

Without warning, Erwin attacks again. Levi rolls out of the way and kicks out hard at the back of Erwin’s knee. Erwin stumbles, then turns just in time to block the knife heading for his side. Levi jumps out of the way of the counterattack and raises his arm across his chest, knife held out.

He’s panting. Erwin is good, quick to move, unnervingly accurate in his predictions. Overconfident, though. Not used to fighting someone who’s on his level.

And he’s nowhere near as good as he thinks he is.

Levi ducks the next attack, rams his elbow against Erwin’s arm and slashes out. Erwin jumps back only just in time to avoid the knife, but before Levi can attack again Erwin slams the handle of his blade against Levi’s temple.

His teeth go through his lip and for a moment his vision wavers. He staggers back, the taste of blood in his mouth, manages to block a blade swinging in his direction, then finds his footing again.

He spits blood onto the ground and slowly circles Erwin, his senses slowly going sharp and focused again. One opening. That’s all he needs, one slip, and then…

Erwin swings. Levi blocks, blocks again, then uses all his strength to catch the blade’s edge on his knife and press down, to the side, spinning it out of Erwin’s grip. The force of it makes Erwin stagger back, and Levi knocks away Erwin’s other blade and steps in close, knife raised to Erwin’s throat.

And something sharp pricks his stomach.

He looks down. His knife – his _own fucking knife_ , which Erwin must have taken from Levi’s belt and –

And suddenly Levi vividly remembers Erwin’s punishing grip on his wrist, the way Erwin’s forearm had trembled when Levi had pushed and he could have won, could have beaten Erwin to the ground if it hadn’t been for the hostages.

Erwin fights dirty. He really should have remembered that.

“Stand-off,” Hange says from the sidelines. “Impressive, guys!”

Levi digs the point of his knife into Erwin’s throat. A small red drop appears.

“So, uh, you can stop now?”

Erwin drops his knife to the ground, those shards-of-ice eyes fixed on Levi. Levi keeps his where it is.

“Guys?”

Levi angles his knife, the taste of sewage and blood and rain in the back of his throat.

And a hand grabs his shoulder and forcibly pulls him away from Erwin. Levi whirls – Mike.

Levi breathes out, his senses widening again. All of a sudden he’s aware of the men, standing around, staring at him.

He grabs his own knife back from the ground and sticks it in his belt. Erwin reaches for him but Levi rears back in disgust. He steps out of the ring, and the crowd quickly parts to make way for him, in total stunned silence.

“ _Levi_ ,” Erwin yells after him. “My office, _now_.”

Levi freezes. He turns.

Erwin is standing at the middle of the circle, hand against his throat. Mike is standing at his shoulder, and Hange is hovering nervously at the sidelines.

“Fuck you,” Levi says, clearly enunciating both words.

And he leaves.

***

It takes several hours before he can gather the will to go to Erwin.

It’s tempting to just ignore him. It won’t solve anything, anyway. More speeches, more orders… As if he’d let that change his mind.

But he can’t avoid Erwin either, not if he wants to stay in the Survey Corps. Erwin’s word is law, Levi learned that the hard way, and that means that if he doesn’t go up now it’s pretty likely Erwin will send one of his flunkies to drag him up, whether he wants to or not.

Levi’s eyes fall to the gates. _If_ he wants to stay…

But that’s not an option, not anymore. And there’s no sense in delaying the inevitable.

He goes to the main building, then up the stairs to the first floor. Erwin’s door is closed, the way it always is these days. He used to have an open door policy, welcoming in anyone who wanted a word, but obviously a commander has more important things to do than listen to his men.

Levi’s hand curls into a fist. He breathes in deeply, forces his hand to relax. It takes a few moments before he’s got a grip on his anger again. Only then does he open the door and walk into Erwin’s office.

Erwin doesn’t look up, but a tiny muscle in his cheek jumps.

His throat is bandaged.

“Well?” Levi says. “Did you actually fucking need me or was that fucking drama outside just another pull on the leash?”

Erwin carefully puts his pen down, folds his hands, and looks up. “Why did you go to the Underground?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Levi lies, straight-faced.

“A week ago. You disappeared for an entire morning and came back bloody and bruised.” Erwin leans back in his chair. “Do you really think you can set one step outside of the HQ’s walls without me knowing about it?”

“You’ve set fucking _spies_ on me?” Levi asks incredulously.

“Would it really be that strange, after you’ve spent the last few days showing nothing but outright defiance?”

“You’ve got no fucking right to lecture me on what’s justified and not if you’re fucking spying– ”

“I’m _not_ , Levi,” Erwin says impatiently. “It’s nothing personal, I simply have informants all across the city. Now explain to me why you wanted to keep this secret.”

“It was private,” Levi says coldly. “I didn’t see any reason why you should know about it.”

“What happened? Where did the bruises come from?”

“Ah, right.” Levi gives him a bitter smile. “No informers Underground, are there?”

“You got into a fight.”

“Yes.”

“Over?”

“Your honor, actually.”

Erwin’s baffled look is more than worth the honesty. “Sorry?”

“They were insulting the Corps. What, should I have ignored them? I thought you valued this kind of thing.”

“Who?”

“People.” It’s childish, and stupid, and yet Levi can’t bring himself to be honest here.

Erwin’s lips go thin, but he doesn’t rise to it. “Why did you go?”

“To collect my advance payment on your assassination, what did you think?” Levi sneers.

“Levi…”

Levi keeps stubbornly silent.

“You should have said something,” Erwin says at last.

“I didn’t know you needed to know where I was at all times. Is that part of your promotion? Are you bringing back the ten-feet rule?”

“No,” Erwin says, sounding impatient. “But if something had happened – ”

“I can handle myself.” Levi scrunches his nose in disgust. “There’s nothing down there that’s any real danger to me.”

“That’s not it.” Erwin leans forward. His calm façade is still in place, but it’s starting to crack. “You’re on thin ice, Levi. Remember what Zackley said? One step out of line and you’ll end up in prison.”

“I didn’t know it was illegal to walk outside.”

“You got in a fight.”

“I was defending myself, it wasn’t – ”

“You think the Military Police cares?”

“I can handle them,” Levi says irritably. “I’ve handled them all my life. I don’t need you swooping in to rescue me.”

“Just swallow you pride for one damn second and _think_ ,” Erwin snaps. “You’re not in a gang anymore. You can just rush off on your own like that.”

“And yet I did. Come on, Erwin." Levi gives him a mocking smile. "You think you can stop me?”

“Why can’t you just for _one fucking time_ – ” And Erwin cuts himself off, clenching his jaw.

There it is. In a way, it’s almost reassuring to see Erwin’s exactly as angry as Levi is, despite the pragmatic businesslike persona, the air of calm leadership. He’s fucking human after all.

“Are you planning on going back?” Erwin asks, with a calm that’s obviously forced.

“None of your fucking business.”

“Right. Of course it isn’t.” Erwin gathers his documents and stands up. “Next time you feel the need to go exploring, tell someone.”

“I told Mette, didn’t I?”

Erwin makes a frustrated sound. “Don’t play games, Levi, I don’t have time for them anymore.”

“Yeah, you’re too busy having your head up your ass, aren’t you?”

Erwin glares at him. “Get out, Corporal.”

“You know,” Levi says, viciously and aiming to hurt, “I thought you being commander would be a good thing, but I’d rather have fucking Shadis back. At least he didn’t try to _actively murder_ the men.”

Erwin stalks past him. “Save the tantrums for the Titans, they might actually be useful there,” he snaps, and then he slams the door closed behind him.

Levi stares at the door for a few moments. Then he curses and kicks a chair.

***

The sun is going down. Levi watches from the battlements, sitting on the edge, feet dangling above a twenty-feet drop.

He shouldn’t have lost his temper. It’s one of the earliest lessons he learned, that he has to control his anger, harness it instead of being ruled by it. He should know fucking better by now.

But there's something about Erwin that can pierce all of Levi's fucking defenses and break down his self-control without any apparent effort.

Footsteps sound behind him. He doesn’t look up. Someone sits down next to him, and for a second he thinks it’s Erwin – but no, that’s just Mike, similar enough in stature and looks that it makes them easy to confuse.

They sit in silence. Mike has never been a man of many words, a note of silence next to Mette’s companionable chattiness and Hange’s loud enthusiasm.

The thing about Mike, though, is that he can give those silences more meaning than other people can manage with a minutes-long speech.

Even so, it takes a while before Levi breaks. “I’m not the one at fault here, alright?” he snaps. “It’s a suicide mission. I don’t care that no one else wants to acknowledge that, it’s still the fucking truth.”

“Erwin sends us on suicide missions all the time,” Mike says. “Dozens of men don’t make it back each time when we go outside. You didn’t kick up a storm then. Why is this different?”

“Because there isn’t a fucking chance in hell of succeeding here.”

“Erwin thinks there is.”

“Yeah, well, Erwin’s a fucking idiot.”

The corner of Mike’s mouth turns up into a very small smile. “That’s not what you used to think.”

“No,” Levi says shortly. “No, it isn’t.”

That’s the thing about this whole fucking situation. Not that long ago Levi had been delighted to see Erwin in charge, thought it meant a new age of freedom, of sanity. He’d fucking _celebrated_.

“So you think it’s a good idea, do you?” Levi asks. “Trying to capture a Titan like it’s a damn rat?”

Mike shrugs. “I trust Erwin on this.”

“Yeah, ‘course you do. He’s the _commander_ , right? Him you must obey, at all costs.”

“More just ‘cause it’s Erwin, actually.”

Levi looks up at him. Mike’s face can be as unreadable as Erwin’s sometimes, and right now there isn’t much on it Levi understands.

“What makes you so sure you know better than him?” Mike asks.

“Because I – ” and he stops.

_You can never know._

But that was then. This is different. This isn’t about some battle strategy he doesn’t know about, this is about Erwin refusing to acknowledge the risk – except that’s not true, he does realize it, he just doesn’t _care_.

“The way I see it, it comes down to just one thing,” Mike says. “Do you want to stand at Erwin’s side? Or alone?”

Levi glares at him.

“’Cause I know what he would choose,” Mike continues.

“His own fucking – ”

“Erwin has your back. He always has. Do you know how hard he’s had to work to keep this from reaching Zackley?”

Levi looks up sharply. “What?”

“If Zackley knew what you were doing, he would have you thrown in prison without a second’s thought.”

“Why, on what charges? Having my own opinion?” Levi sneers. “I’ve done nothing but – ”

“You insulted the commander in front of half the Corps,” Mike says.

“So? No one’s gonna die from an insult.”

“You disrespected a superior officer,” Mike says patiently. “By military code, that’s insubordination. Anyone else would have had you executed for that.”

“You’re exaggerating.”

Mike takes a sprig of greenery from his pocket and slowly chews on it, staring ahead. “When I was still a trainee,” he says, “there was one kid who didn’t think much of our commanding officers. Then one time, he called a superior officer a _fucking idiot_ while she was in earshot. The kid was flogged until his whole back was in bloody tatters.”

“Just for that?”

Mike nods. “There are already people wondering why Erwin lets you get away with it. Whispering that he’s gone soft.”

Levi looks away. “So you’re saying I should play nice and apologize just because – ”

“I’m saying nothing.”

The fucking Military. Levi always knew they were stupidly uptight about rules and hierarchy, but this...

He glances at Mike. “So why does Erwin let me get away with it?”

“Ask him,” Mike says. Then he stands up and leaves, wasting no more words.

Levi watches him until he disappears from sight, then turns back to the city. He tilts his head back, closes his eyes.

And for a few seconds he feels Erwin’s hand on his shoulder again, hears that weird fucking pride in his voice as he defended Levi in front of the commission.

He believed it. He risked his position on it.

\- _he’s got your back -_

Levi goes down. It’s late, most people are already inside. No one out but a few guards, doing their leisurely patrol. The windows are all dark too, with one notable exception.

Erwin always works late.

Levi wanders over to the gates. Regulations say they have to be closed and locked at this hour, but there’s a small door set into the side of the left gate that’s pointedly left open for anyone to sneak in or out. There are plenty of soldiers with lovers or family in the city, and Shadis always turned a blind eye as long as everyone kept it to a visit or two a month. Obviously Erwin is continuing that policy.

Clever. Lock that little door and he’d have a mutiny on his hands. Then again, Erwin always -

Levi pauses and cocks his head, listening...

And there it is again, that sharp little noise of someone trying to breathe without being heard. Someone is hiding.

Levi pulls his knife and lunges into the shadows behind the gates. His fingers close on fabric and he pulls, then slams his prisoner against the wall and puts his knife underneath their throat.

He blinks. His prisoner croaks.

Levi lets him go and steps back. “What the hell are you doing out at this hour?”

Diego stares at him, pale and shocked. Maybe the kid’s got a lover in the city as well. But that doesn’t explain the utter terror on his face.

“There’s a death penalty for desertion,” Levi says, slowly.

Diego’s answering shudder is all the confirmation he needs.

“What were you going to do?” Levi asks. “Run away, and then? Hide for the rest of your life?”

“I’m just a new recruit,” Diego says, his voice shaking. “They wouldn’t care about me enough to hunt me down.” He swallows. “Would they?”

“They would. Come on, before the guards spot you.” He grabs the kid’s arm and pulls along to a bench, where he sets him down. “Now tell me why.”

“Because…” He looks away, fidgeting. “You’ll think I’m a coward, Corporal.”

“You’re scared?”

“Yes,” he mumbles. “And I know that a lot of people are, but - I’m not like Nanaba, I’m not eager to go back out again. Just the thought makes me sick.” He looks up. “I – I don’t want to die. I thought I… But then I saw Lars – did you see his body? What was left of it afterwards, I mean. And I…”

“You always knew there were risks,” Levi says.

“Yeah, I did. And I – you know, Corporal, I can stomach the idea of risking my life in an attack or something, if it was, was _useful_. But like that?” Diego’s dark eyes flare. “His death was stupid. It shouldn’t have happened. It was all chaos, and people running and I don’t – I didn’t fucking sign up for that.”

“Fighting Titans is always unpredictable and chaotic,” Levi says impatiently. “We told you that. And anyway, that whole fucking thing was a fuck-up only because Shadis was put in charge. Once Erwin – ” He breaks off.

Diego gives him an odd look.

Levi clears his throat. “Once the commander took over, it went better. Didn’t it?”

Diego bends his head, still fidgeting. “Maybe,” he says, grudgingly.

“What?”

“Just – ” He looks up again, face painfully earnest. “I heard you, Corporal. I heard what you said. And I… The commander. He’s lost his mind, hasn’t he? Like Sha– ”

“Don’t be a fucking idiot,” Levi snaps. “Erwin is nothing like Shadis.”

Diego frowns. “But what you said… That he’d get us all killed?”

“Erwin wouldn’t…” He trails off.

There’s that look again, the same one that had been on Nanaba’s face. Utter trust. He could tell the kid Erwin had gone mad and they needed to kill him and Diego would go get the knife himself.

And if Levi tells him he’s going to die, he’ll run.

“It’s a risk,” he says. “A greater one than usual, but still just that. It’s not incompetence, like with Shadis. Erwin’s got a plan - more than one, probably, knowing him.”

“Yeah, but...” Diego swallows. “Then… That capturing thing everyone says he’s planning, is that…”

“He believes in it,” Levi says. “Don’t you trust his judgement?”

“I trust yours more,” Diego says.

Levi runs his hand over his face and tries to think. He doesn’t fucking lie, not about something like this, but - It’s Erwin. He might have lost his common sense but it’s still _Erwin_ , and Levi can’t just ignore that.

_\- Erwin has your back -_

“Do you really think it’s a risk worth taking, Corporal?” Diego asks, something brittle and hopeful and _young_ in his voice.

He doesn't have a fucking choice here, does he?

“Yeah,” Levi says, throat dry. “Yeah, I do.”

“Oh. That’s… good.”

“You can rely on him,” Levi continues, picking out the words one by one. “The commander. He knows what he’s doing, and we’ve just got to trust in that.”

Diego is silent for a while, staring at this knees. “It’s… It’s worth it, isn’t it?” he asks, eventually. “What we do?”

“For the glory of humanity,” Levi says, the words carrying a bitterness the kid doesn’t seem to pick up, because he just smiles.

“Yeah. The glory.”

Levi jerks his head. “Go back to sleep, kid. There’s no desertion happening tonight.”

“No, sir. Uh… Will you tell anyone?”

“No. Now fuck off before I change my mind.”

“Yessir!”

The kid even gives him a salute before heading back to the sleeping quarters.

Levi keeps watching until he’s gone.

Then he gets up, gives the stars above one last look, and goes back inside and up the stairs to the one bedroom still alight at this hour.

***

Erwin is sitting at his desk when Levi shoves the door open. He looks up, startled, but his expression goes hostile the second he sees Levi.

“Learn to knock,” he says coldly, returning to his papers.

“Call it off," Levi says.

“The plan?” Erwin glances up. “No.”

“Call it _off_ , Erwin, or I swear I’ll - ”

“You’ll what?” Erwin asks. It could sound mocking, but it’s too cold, too matter of fact.

Levi slams his hands down on Erwin’s desk and leans down. “Call it off. It’s not worth it. I just lied for you, you fucking owe me, so _listen_ to me.”

“Lie?” Erwin sits up straight, attention caught. “What did you do? Do I need to prepare damage control?”

“Oh, no, don’t worry. It was just a recruit. Those aren’t important in your world, are they?” Levi sneers.

Erwin’s jaw goes tight. “Is this going anywhere or are you just going to throw random accusations at me all night?”

“If that’s what it takes to finally get some sense into your stupid fucking head, then yeah. Gladly.”

Erwin opens his mouth, face twisted like he’s about to shout again, but then he visibly restrains himself. “ _Out_ ,” he says. “If you’re here for a fight, Levi, I’m not going to give it to you. Go to bed, sleep it off, whatever this is.”

“No.” Levi keeps eye-contact, stubborn and aggressive. “I looked a terrified kid in the face and told him it was all worth it, and it’s not. People are going to die for no reason, so pull your head from your ass for one second and fucking _see that_. Call this off.”

Erwin leans back in his chair. “Then why did you tell them it was worth it, if you don’t believe it?”

“Fuck knows.” He straightens up. “I should have told him the truth, shouldn’t I? _Run now or you’re going to die_.”

“But you didn’t.”

“Fuck you,” Levi spits. “ _Work together_ , that’s what you used to say. Work out a compromise. But the second you’ve got your fucking chain of office that’s all down the fucking drain, isn’t it? You fucking conceited selfish - ”

”Don’t you _dare_ accuse me of selfishness.” Erwin slams his hand down on the desk and stands up. “Not when only a week ago you disappeared for an entire day to go fight somewhere, without telling anyone anything, without a single thought for - ”

“Don’t give me that shit,” Levi snaps. “I came back, didn’t I?”

“What?”

Levi pauses. He shouldn’t have said that, and now Erwin is staring at him, frustrated and confused, and he can’t take it back.

“From the Underground,” Levi says, reluctantly. “I came back. I didn’t have to. That’s what important – not the fight, the fight doesn’t fucking matter. I _came back_.”

Erwin frowns, and if he starts shouting now, if he dares turn _this_ into a power thing -

But then he sighs and rubs his forehead. “I know that, Levi. Trust me, I do. But it isn’t enough. I’m sorry.”

“You’re _sorry_?”

He gives Levi a wry smile. “I seem to be doing nothing but asking you things you’re unable to give.”

Levi stares at him.

“Sit down, Levi,” Erwin says softly.

Levi sinks into a chair, feeling utterly blindsided. “Things I’m unable to give,” he mutters, then looks up at Erwin. “To lie? Is that what you want from me?”

“What I _want_?” Erwin leans against his desk, arms folded. “What I want is for you to trust me. No - ” He holds up his hand, cutting off Levi before he can protest. “I know that’s asking too much of you. But what you’re doing now… It’s bigger than just you and me. It affects the entire Corps, surely you can understand that? We can’t be seen to disagree.”

“Shelve this stupid fucking plan and I’ll shout my agreement off the rooftops.”

“No.” Erwin shakes his head. “Even if I wanted to, changing my opinion at this point would undermine my authority. And I _don’t_ want to. I genuinely believe this capture is the right course to take, right now.”

“Then why did you keep it from me?” Levi asks. “Why didn’t you just tell me immediately what you were planning?”

“Because you were on the brink of passing out.” He smiles. “You should’ve seen yourself. Anyone else would’ve been a collapsed pile on the floor, I have no idea how you were still upright.”

“So you…”

Erwin goes over to the window and looks out. “I _was_ planning on talking it over with you, taking my time, giving you the opportunity to voice your concerns… You deserved as much.” He grimaces. “But then Hange ran their mouth.”

“But you knew I wouldn’t agree.”

“I suspected you wouldn’t be happy with it. Although I’ll admit I didn’t foresee - well, _this_.”

“Didn’t you?” Levi says bitterly.

Erwin turns and folds his arms, studying Levi. It feels like the first time in a long while that there’s no immediate hostility between them, that there’s just that old familiar sense of Levi waiting it out and Erwin reading him, getting beneath his skin and trying to understand.

“Is this about Farlan and Isabel?” Erwin asks.

Levi freezes.

“You still feel like they died because you failed to protect them,” Erwin says slowly, “and you fear standing back now would mean repeating the same mistake. Am I right?”

Levi shakes his head, trying to come up with something to say, but his mind has gone blank.

“It must be hard for you,” Erwin continues, in the same careful tone. “You can’t kill me because the Corps need a leader, you can’t convince me to change my mind, you can’t even run away without increasing the risk to everyone else. No wonder you were lashing out.”

Levi’s head whips up. “I was _not_ \- ”

“Really?” Erwin asks, touching the wound on his throat.

Levi looks away.

“Levi,” Erwin says, calm and careful. “Why did you tell your recruit it was worth it?”

“Because the kid would’ve deserted on the spot if I’d told him the truth. And because he…” He hesitates.

“Because?” Erwin prompts.

“Because he thought you were something you’re not,” Levi says slowly.

“So you do believe in me, then?”

“I thought I did.” He looks up. “I’m not so sure now.” 

“Then have your doubts,” Erwin says. “That’s your right. But is it really necessary that you share them with everyone?”

”So you do want me to lie for you,” Levi says flatly. “That’s what this comes down to, isn’t it?”

Erwin shrugs. “What I want is irrelevant. What I _need_ , Levi, what we all need, is your support. I need to know you have my back. In front of others, the outsiders, the recruits and the men and the brass and whoever else is watching. I need to be sure you won’t put me in a position of vulnerability. Treat me however you like when we’re in private, but outside… I need to know I can rely on you.”

Levi stays silent. Erwin is watching him closely, expression unreadable.

“Where are you going to keep it?” Levi asks.

Erwin blinks. “What?”

“The Titan. If you succeed in capturing it.”

“Oh. Uh…” Erwin goes over to his desk and pulls out a map, then beckons Levi over. Levi stands up and bends over the map. “According to our previous recon missions, there should be an abandoned fort here.” Erwin points at one of the dots.

“Wide in the open. What about this?” Levi points at one of the other dots. “An old outpost, right?”

“In the forest?” Erwin asks. “More risk of us not spotting any Titans showing up.”

“But an easier terrain to fight on if it escapes.” Levi turns so he’s leaning back against the desk, facing Erwin.

“That’s true.” Erwin glances at him. “So, is this… Do you agree now?”

Levi looks at the window. He only needs to close his eyes and he’ll see the funeral procession again, shrouded corpse after shrouded corpse, mutilated beyond recognition, some nothing more but one remaining limb.

“ _Why_?” He looks back at Erwin. “Just tell me that. You know the risks, you know how little people we have to spare. So why are you going through with this?”

Erwin watches him for a while. Levi tries not to twitch under the scrutiny, which isn’t easy. Erwin has this way of looking at people like he’s pinning them down for study, extracting information as ruthlessly and efficiently as he kills.

“Because it’s an opportunity,” he says eventually. “And if we don’t take every opportunity we get right now, we’ll all be dead before the decade’s done.”

“It’s a mistake,” Levi says, fully expecting Erwin to start defending himself, give some impassioned convincing plea.

Instead, he nods. “Maybe. But we won’t know for sure until we try it. And I can’t live with the idea of letting a chance like this pass out of misplaced caution. Not after Shiganshina.”

“People are going to die.”

“Yes.”

It’s… not what he expected.  There’s no anger, no justifications. There’s just that look again, ruthless and vulnerable at the same time. Almost as if he’s afraid of himself.

“At all costs,” Levi says softly.

Erwin flinches as if Levi hit him, but he doesn’t avert his eyes.

“Fine,” Levi says. “I’ll support you, in public, take back the criticism. Just make sure I’m there.”

Erwin blinks, obviously surprised. “Sorry?”

“During the capture, let me be there. If it all goes to shit I can kill the Titan. Without me, you risk losing far more people.”

“If this is a trick…”

“It isn’t.”

“And can I trust you to judge the situation correctly?” Erwin asks, studying Levi. “Not just to go for the kill at the soonest possible moment?”

“You can.”

Erwin’s frown deepens, confusion still all over his usually unreadable face. “I don’t – What made you change your mind?”

“Nothing. I still think it’s a fucking awful idea.”

“Then why - ”

“Because you’re asking me to.”

Erwin’s mouth shuts, abruptly. Levi almost winces. The words feel uncomfortable to him, open and bare in a way that he usually associates with pain and fear.

“And because Mike and Mette won’t stop pestering me until I give in,” Levi adds.

Erwin smiles. “Persistent, are they?”

“Fucking relentless. Did you set them on me?”

“No, I’m afraid they were acting entirely on their own accord.”

“Right.” Levi looks over his shoulder at the map. “You’ll take the outpost in the forest, right?”

“My turn to trust your judgment?” Erwin asks, with a strange smile.

Levi’s mouth twists. “Do whatever you want. You’re the commander after all, you don’t need anyone’s permission.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t rely on the opinion of others, Levi.” He grabs Levi’s shoulder, hand warm and heavy. “We’ll check out your option first.”

“So you haven’t lost all sense of caution, then. Good to know.”

Erwin’s smile fades, something really strange about his expression. They’re standing close, Levi’s knee leaning against Erwin’s leg.

The last time they were this close, he had been only seconds away from trying to cut Erwin’s throat.

“It’s odd, you know,” Erwin says.

“What is?”

“To think that… I used to think that your problem would be recklessness, a lack of caring for the wellbeing of the rest of the Corps. That you’d be too much of a solo player. I never predicted you would care too much.”

Levi huffs and turns away, dislodging Erwin’s hand.

“Sorry,” Erwin says, with half a smile. “I appear to be getting melancholic.”

“Must be old age.”

“Hah. Well, maybe.” He shrugs off his jacket, then runs his hand across his face. “I’ve been in the Survey Corps for more than two decades, you know.”

“And still not tired of it?” Levi asks, amused.

“Well, the Titans continue to bring surprises, don’t they?” He gives Levi a small smile. “Keeps us from getting bored.”

And yeah, that’s Erwin alright, and his sick fucking sense of humor. It’s weirdly nice to hear that again.

Erwin starts on the straps of his harness, frowning in irritation as he struggles with the backpiece. Levi rolls his eyes. “Still can’t dress yourself, can you?” he says, then steps forward and yanks Erwin to him by his backpiece.

Erwin stumbles, then rights himself. Levi pulls at the buckles of the main piece, Erwin’s back warm and hard beneath the fabric of his shirt, then pushes the straps over Erwin’s shoulders.

“I can do it on my own, but it’s easier to have someone help.” Erwin looks over his shoulder, giving Levi another one of those strange smug smiles. “Applies to a lot of things in life.”

“Go to bed, Erwin,” Levi says, hands busy at Erwin’s waist. “Maybe if you get enough sleep you’ll start talking sense again.”

“I was going to, but then someone barged into my bedroom.”

“Fine, got it, message received.” Levi pulls the final buckle loose, with a yank that’s a little harder than strictly necessary, then steps away. “If that’s all…” he says as he goes to the door.

“I missed you.”

Levi stops, hand on the doorknob, and looks over his shoulder. Erwin is looking a little surprised, as if the words came out without his permission.

“What?” Levi says.

“I, uh, missed you. While you were gone. I didn’t fully realize until you came back after the evacuations and strode into my office like you owned it, and you just…” He pauses. “I suppose I’ve grown used to having you around.”

“Right,” Levi says.

“I thought you should know that,” Erwin adds, a little awkwardly.

“You’re delirious.”

“Maybe.” There’s a strange look on Erwin’s face again, something Levi hasn’t seen before, that he can’t read.

“What?” Levi asks, irritated.

“Thank you. For - for this. For listening.”

Levi keeps looking at him, no fucking clue how he should reply to that. And he wants to, because there’s that fucking _look_ on Erwin’s face, and that smile…

But he doesn’t know the words.

Erwin sighs. “Night, Levi. Unless there was anything…?”

Levi shakes his head. “No. Night, Erwin.”

He closes the door behind him, takes a deep breath, then heads straight to his own bedroom next door. The window is still open. He goes over and leans his shoulder against the stone of the wall, looks outside at the smattering of stars and the black night sky.

_\- what I want is for you to trust me -_

He sighs and closes his eyes, resting his forehead against the cold rough stone.

The thing is, for just a split second he almost felt like he did.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter (where I'm finally going to earn that "explicit sexual content" warning) will be up somewhere between a week and two from now!


	5. sex is just another weapon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for explicit sex, breathplay, sadism, implied past sexual abuse, violence, PTSD

The sun is just setting when Levi and his squad come thundering into the camp. People stand up to watch them when they come up, and Levi can see the same pattern repeated over and over again in soldiers’ eyes as they skip over his squad, counting, checking. Yes, they’re all alive. Yes, they’re still in one piece - well, mostly. But it’s nothing that won’t heal.

They’ve gained something like a mythical status, Levi’s squad. There are already a fair few people who believe they’re all unkillable.

Humanity’s new hope.

Levi swings down from his horse and lets her loose in the paddock. “Where’s Erwin?” he asks a guard.

“Don’t know, sir. Maybe with Squad Leader Hange?”

Levi rolls his eyes, then turns to his squad. “Find a place to bunk. Katja, you go along with Willem tot the medical officer. I’ll be around later.”

The six of them salute and walk off, relaxed and chatting to each other.

 _They_ don’t think they’re invincible, but there’s still a confidence there that’s unusual for the Survey Corps. By now they’re almost matter-of-fact about killing Titans. Not even Willem’s potentially broken leg seemed to faze any of them, least of all Willem himself.

His squad.

Levi makes his way through the fort they’re using as a camp and goes beyond, past the walls and reinforcements and into the forest until he finds the enclosure where they keep the Titans.

He pulls aside the flap of one of the tents and looks in. Several people are inside, but the only ones he recognizes in the gloom are Hange and their new assistant. No commander to be seen.

He clears his throat. “Is Erwin - ”

“ _Shhh_ ,” Hange says, waving their hands. “Quiet. Albert is asleep.”

“Or it’s faking it so it can eat you the second you drop your guard.” Levi lets the tent flap fall closed behind him and steps inside.

“Nonsense, he wouldn’t do that!” They pat the Titan on the skull. “He likes me!”

“You stuck a red hot poker in his eye yesterday.”

“All in the spirit of scientific enquiry. Albert understands that, don’t you?”

The Titan makes a growling noise. Levi takes a step closer, bends over so he can see in its eyes, and –

– it bites at him.

Levi dances out of the way and pulls his blades in one swift movement. All around him the guards follow his example.

“No, it’s fine!” Hange yells. “Put those away!”

“Asleep, huh?” Levi says, disgusted. He sheaths his swords. “And speaking of sleep… When’s the last time you had some?”

“Hm? Oh, I’ll go out when the sun’s down.”

“It _is_ down,” Levi points out.

Hange gives him a look, then opens the tent to peek outside. “Oh,” he hears them say. “Who’d've thought?” They poke their head back in. “Although I’m sure I can get another few hours in with - _hey,_ ” they squeal as Levi sweeps them off their feet. He throws them over his shoulder and takes off back to the camp, ignoring their struggling.

“They’ll still be there in the morning,” he says calmly.

“But we’re losing valuable ti-ime!” Hange whines, pummeling their fist against his back.

“No we’re not.” Levi hoists them a little higher. “You’re insane enough as it is, no one wants to see you when you’re sleep-deprived. You can continue tomorrow.”

“I’m telling Erwin!”

“You do that.”

But Hange’s attention seems to have moved on. “What’s that?” they ask, poking at his arm.

He looks down at the makeshift bandage. “A scratch.”

“Have you had it looked at yet?” they ask.

“No.”

“Hah.” Hange gives him a pat on the back. “My time to fuss. To the medical officer! Or I’m telling Erwin, and he will pay attention to _that_.”

“Oh, fuck off.” They go through the gates. People are settling down all around, looking only mildly surprised at Hange hanging over Levi’s shoulder like a severely overgrown baby. They’re used to weirder things, after all.

Mette spots them and gives them both a wave. Levi drops Hange next to Mike, then sits down as well.

“You know,” Mette says, leaning forward and smiling, “I’m _aware_ that you’re stronger than you look, and yet I’m always surprised when I actually see evidence of it. Hange isn’t exactly the tiniest of people, Levi.”

“Hey!” Hange says, mock-offended. Mette gives them a sweet smile in return.

“How’d it go?” Mike asks. “Out there?”

“Fine,” Levi says. “But Willem fell and may have broken something. And I hurt my arm.” He rolls his sleeve back. “Nothing serious, I don’t want to take up the med officer’s time, so if you…”

“Sure.” Mette grabs a medical kit from her bag and leans over.

It was a small wound, really, not even enough to bother him in the fight. Compared to Willem this is barely a scratch. But Levi has seen enough infected cuts and rotting limbs to see the sense in treating it straight away.

Mette wipes something cold over Levi’s arm and he hisses at the sting.

“How much longer is Erwin going to keep us here?” Mike asks. He’s lying stretched out on the ground, hands folded behind his head. “Because there’s a girl waiting for me in Trost…”

Mette snorts. “There are always girls waiting for you. I’m not sure Erwin would let an important strategic decision be influenced because you’re horny, Mike.”

“Do horny soldiers fight better or worse?” Hange asks, in a disturbingly interested voice. “More motivation to be quick, but they could be more distracted as well. Maybe we should study – ”

“No,” Mette says quickly. “You’re not experimenting with our sex lives.”

“Do you even _have_ a sex life?” Mike asks, with a faint smirk.

“Yeah, I have, but a _discreet_ one.” Mette throws him a filthy look. “You’re not the only one who’s got someone waiting for them, Mike. Anyway, it’s Levi we should be worried about.”

Levi looks up. “Should we?”

Mette fastens the bandage around his arm and smiles at him. “Do you have someone, Levi?”

It’s a fucking stupid question – if he had they would have realized by now– but Mike sits up and Hange leans in like he’s about to divulge some fascinating secret.

“No,” Levi says curtly.

Hange makes a disappointed noise. “What, no sweetheart in the city? That was my guess.”

“Guess for what?”

“Reason why you never joined the rest of the men on a brothel crawl.” Hange cocks their head, the telltale gleam of scientific interest in their eyes. “So if that’s not it… Why don’t you?”

“I don’t do brothels,” Levi says, flatly.

“Why not?”

“I just don’t. Anyway,” he adds, before they press further, “Erwin doesn’t go either. Never did, not even before he was made commander.”

“Maybe he – you know, isn’t interested?” Hange suggests. “Some people just don’t do sex, right?”

“He used to have a girl, though,” Mette says, musingly. “Long time ago. He adored her.”

“Really?” Hange asks. “So what happened?”

“Don’t know. I was still a trainee and he’d just graduated, I didn’t see that much of him. It’s Mike who was closest to him back then.”

All three of them turn to look at Mike, who is once again lying back with his eyes closed, chewing on a sprig of greenery.

“That’s your cue,” Mette says, when it becomes clear Mike isn’t going to say anything.

“Hm?” He opens his eyes. “Cue for what?”

“Erwin’s teenaged crush,” Mette says impatiently. “His almost-sweetheart. What happened with her?”

“Oh. Marie.” Mike closes his eyes again. “Nothing happened.”

“Case of unrequited pining, was it?” Hange pulls a sympathetic face. “Poor Erwin.”

“No-o, it was pretty damn mutual,” Mike says. “Girl worshiped him.”

And he falls silent again.

Mette exchanges a look with Hange, then asks, in a very impatient and exasperated tone, “So why didn’t it work out?”

Mike frowns at them, then sighs and sits up. “He broke it off. I don’t know what happened, something to do with putting his duty to the Corps before her. But we all really thought they’d end up married, so I doubt Erwin’s the no-fucks type. Although…” He huffs. “I don’t think he’s had anyone since, so, who knows? I don’t pretend to know how Erwin’s mind works.”

Mette snorts. “You can say that again.”

“Anyway, we were talking about Levi’s love life, weren’t we?” Hange says cheerfully. “Want us to set you up? I know this guy at - ”

Levi hops to his feet. “I’m going to look for Erwin,” he says to Mette, talking straight over Hange’s demented rambling.

“Sure.” Mette gives him an amused wave and Levi walks off, Hange’s shouted _you’d be great together!_ ringing in his ears.

He makes his way further through the camp. The men are just settling down, everyone but the first watch going to sleep. Even so, heads turn as he passes.

Ten whole days beyond the walls now, and the count of injuries and deaths has been mounting. Even Levi and his squad can’t be everywhere, even Erwin’s newest variation on the formation isn’t perfect, and the Titans have taken their toll.  Still, they’re doing well, relatively speaking. Even the capturing mission didn’t take as much lives as they had feared.

He ignores the inviting and admiring looks and keeps walking until the men are behind him and he’s near the outside perimeter, at the meadows where they’re keeping the horses.

His own horse comes galloping over as he approaches. He pets her nose, then leans against the fence, brooding.

He had never really spent much thought on Erwin’s love life. True, those first few months he’d been hoping that if he kept barging in without warning at all hours he would eventually catch Erwin with a girl, or a boy, or both, just anything to make their noble Commander-then-Captain look a little less perfect. But he never had; Erwin remained stubbornly alone, or with one of the other three. Never a lover.

So he’d mostly forgotten about it. Either Erwin had some intensely secret love affair, or he was fucking one of his three friends, or he simply didn’t do sex at all. Whatever it was, it didn’t impact Levi in any way.

But it’s an intriguing image, Erwin as the doting lover. Completely at odds with the man he knows. Respectful, sure, and passionate, maybe. But adoring?

And yet he broke it off. _Putting his duty before her –_  what the fuck’s that supposed to mean, anyway? Levi hasn’t exactly loved many people in his life, but those few… He would have done anything for them. He certainly wouldn’t have let anything as stupid as _duty_ come between him and someone he cared for. But Erwin…

It would be true to character, Erwin does anything to get to his goal. But why the fuck would having a girl mean he couldn’t do his duty?

“Preferring animals over people now?”

Levi doesn’t look up. “No annoying conversations, does what it’s told without complaining. What’s not to like?”

Erwin comes closer and leans on the fence. “I can see the appeal.” He holds his hand out and the horse goes to him. He’s good with animals, Erwin. Almost as good as he is with people.

“What are you doing out here, then?” Levi asks.

Erwin turns his head. In the half-light of dusk his face is shadowed, unreadable, even more so than usual. “Brooding, I suppose,” he says after a moment. “Things have been going well, but we can’t know… I’m afraid of hoping.”

Levi shrugs. “Then don’t.”

“I can’t just switch it off, Levi.” He sighs. “Anyway, what was the conversation?”

“What?”

“The annoying conversation that made you prefer horses to people.”

“Ah, that.” Levi turns back to the horses. “They were speculating about your sex life.”

“Ah. Yes, they do that.”

Levi glances up. “You don’t mind?”

“No,” Erwin says. “It’s harmless. And gossip of all sorts is a natural consequence of being someone of importance, someone visible. I’m sure they gossip about you well.”

Levi clucks his tongue. “I’m sure there’s more to gossip about for me than for you.”

“Is there?”

“In case you’ve forgotten, my past isn’t exactly _clean_.” Levi raises his eyebrows. “Unlike yours.”

“I have my own set of skeletons.” Erwin leans down on the fence, close to Levi without actually touching him. “And you live the life of a monk, now.”

Levi pets his mare’s neck, feeling the weight of Erwin’s eyes on him.

“I realize it’s none of my business,” Erwin asks carefully, “but why don’t you go to the brothels?”

“You’re right, it is none of your business.”

Erwin stays silent, neither apologizing nor getting angry. Just waiting.

“I’ve seen what they look like from the other side,” Levi says. “Once you know that, it’s hard to see any appeal in it.” He looks up. “What’s your excuse?”

“Me? I made a promise.”

And that’s it, enigmatic as always when it comes to his personal life.

Levi gives his horse a final pat, then pushes off the fence and stretches. The move makes the bandage chafe against his wound and he winces.

“How’s your arm?” Erwin asks, as ever picking up on even the tiniest of details.

“Fine.”

Erwin holds out his hand. “Show me.”

Levi arches an eyebrow but rolls his sleeve up, revealing the neat bandage. Erwin takes hold of Levi’s arm, thumb on the inside of his elbow.

“I talked to Willem,” Erwin says, still looking at the bandage. “A few moments later…”

Levi makes an irritated noise. “Stop worrying about what-ifs, Erwin. I’m fine and we’re all doing well, let’s keep it at that.”

“It’s that easy for you?” Erwin asks. “To just – focus on the now, not worrying about the future?”

“I’ve learned to. Worry can be paralyzing. It makes sense to consider the future, but you don’t need to go over and over it again just because it scares you.”

Erwin gives him a strange half-smile. “You can be strangely wise, sometimes. Corporal.”

“And you can be pretty damn stupid, _Commander_.”

Erwin’s smile fades. His hand is still on Levi’s arm, thumb pressing gently against the artery.

A horse whinnies. Wind rustles through the trees and somewhere a bird squawks but apart from that the night is silent.

 And Erwin’s hand is still on Levi’s arm, warm and unmoving.

Levi tilts his head. “You okay?”

Erwin abruptly pulls his hand back, a strange spooked expression on his face. As if the touch scared him. He clears his throat. “Anyway. Uh.”

“We’re going back, then?” Levi asks, saving Erwin from something that looks a whole fucking lot like embarrassment.

“As soon as Hange has run through their experiments.”

“It’s _Hange_ ,” Levi points out. “They wouldn’t run out of experiments if you kept them here six months.”

Erwin shrugs. “I’ve given them another week. Even Hange realizes we can’t stay here indefinitely.”

“Good,” Levi says. “The men are getting restless.”

“I noticed. A few days more and we’ll all be safely back inside.” Erwin looks out over the camp. “Let’s hope they’ll all live to see it.”

“Hope?” Levi huffs. “Fuck hope. Let’s make sure ourselves that they all live.”

Erwin smiles and pushes off the fence. “Let’s. Goodnight, Levi.”

“Night. Don’t toss and turn all night, now.”

Erwin pauses. “Sorry?”

“I slept in the same room as you for months, remember?” Levi says, amused. “I know what your nights are like.”

“I, uh...” Erwin blinks, looking uncharacteristically off-balance. “Yes, I suppose you do.”

“ _Goodnight_ , Erwin,” Levi says pointedly, then walks past him.

The back of his neck prickles all the way to his sleeping bag.

***

Their entrance into the city couldn’t be more different than the ones they used to have under Shadis. The people lining the streets are cheering, throwing flowers and yelling praise and congratulations. Somehow they must have learned of the news, of how many Titans they’ve killed this time, how much new information they’ve gained, how relatively little lives they lost.

Levi is torn between bemusement and disgust.

“Look, Corporal, they all love you,” Hange says cheerfully from his side.

“For now.” He ducks his head to avoid a bouquet of flowers. “Next time our expedition turns out a little less successful they’ll be at our throats again.”

“Pay attention, Levi. I didn’t say _us_ , I said _you_.” They give him a smug grin. “Humanity’s new weapon.”

He frowns. “What?”

They gesture at the crowd. Someone points at them and yells, “ _Look! Is that Corporal Levi?_ ”

Levi turns back to Hange. “How the fuck do they know about me?”

“Everyone in the Corps worships you these days,” Hange says easily. “It only makes sense that it’s spread to the civilians.”

“They’re talking about me?” Levi frowns. It isn’t the first time he’s been infamous, but that was fear, not admiration. He’s never had people _cheer_ him before.

“They sure are. You won’t have to go home alone tonight, Corporal.” They wink at him. “They’re going to be all over you.”

Levi shivers in disgust, then ducks as up ahead yet another person throws flowers in their path.

“Not that you’re the only one that’s being lauded, of course,” Hange continues.

Levi frowns. “What?”

“Erwin.” They nod at the head of the formation, where Erwin is riding. Now Levi pays attention, he can make out the words in the enthusiastic yelling. _Did you give them hell, Commander? You showed those Titans, Smith!_

Erwin doesn’t seem to react to any of it.

“Do you think he enjoys it?” Levi asks. “The praise?”

“No idea. It can’t hurt, can it, hearing people approve of your actions? Although…” Hange shrugs. “Who knows what goes on inside Erwin’s head?”

_"Erwin Smith, humanity's new hero"_ , someone yells from the crowds.

And up ahead Erwin just keeps riding, back straight and eyes on something only he can see.

***

The HQ is deserted.

It’s unnerving. The only other time Levi remembers it being this empty was when he got benched by Shadis, and those aren’t memories he enjoys. Those days of waiting, impassive, preparing for the worst...

But this time the reason for the emptiness is the opposite. No need to worry now: those not getting drunk and getting fucked in the taverns will be with their families, safe and happy and carefree, just this once.

They even tried to drag him in. He practically had to fight his way out of the tavern and into the streets, and even there little groups of revelers kept inviting him for drinks. And more.

At least here he can be alone. He goes in through the main gates, heads to the dining hall to find something to drink, then stops in the doorway.

Not alone.

Erwin is sitting at one of the long trestle tables, in his shirtsleeves, nursing a solitary drink. Tiredness is lining his face, making him look older than usual, worn-out. No masks.

Levi coughs. Erwin looks up, then jerks his chin in invitation. Levi goes over and sits down next to him, one leg drawn up.

“Enjoying the celebrations?” Erwin asks, a small smile on his face. “It’s everywhere, you know. _Corporal Levi, bane of the Titans, humanity’s strongest soldier.”_

Levi clucks his tongue. “I don’t give a shit what they think.”

“No. No, I didn’t think you would.”

Erwin takes a cup and pours Levi some steaming hot tea, despite the fact that Erwin himself is drinking wine. Did he expect Levi to come here? Or does he simply always have some tea at the ready? It’s Erwin, after all, prepared for anything.

They drink in companionable silence. It’s a relief after the constant noise and jostling and yelling outside, a sort of peace Levi still isn’t entirely used to.

“I can’t afford to, you know,” Erwin says after a while. He sounds thoughtful.

“What?”

“To not care what others think of me. I’m the commander. I have to make sure everyone trusts me, believes in me. You…” Erwin gives him a look. “Within the limits of reasonability, you can go as far as you want.”

“And I fucking do,” Levi says, raising his cup.

Erwin smiles, tiredly. “I’m almost jealous.”

“I don’t envy you, that’s for sure.”

Erwin looks up, something strange in his expression. “Don’t you?”

“Putting duty before everything.” Levi cocks his head, then adds, “Everyone.”

Erwin looks away. Has Levi hit a nerve? Does Erwin even _have_ nerves to hit?

“Is it true?” Levi asks. “About the girl?”

It’s always impossible to predict Erwin’s reactions, but still Levi had been expecting something a little more intense than the rueful smile he gets now. “So Mike’s been talking, has he?”

“Is it true?”

“Yes, more or less. I…” He looks away, fingers idly tapping against his glass. “I could have been with her, but I chose not to, because I… Well.”

“Because you what?”

He sighs. “Because… the life I was heading for, there was no place for a wife and family there. It would’ve been distracting.”

“Distracting?” Levi echoes, sceptically.

“Dangerous.”

“And she just accepted that, did she? Backed off, let you pursue your fucking _career_? She must have - ”

“I didn’t tell her.” Erwin frowns. “Not the true reason. She wouldn’t have accepted it, and I… So I just convinced her I didn’t really care for her, that it had all just been a game. That I didn’t return her feelings.”

“But you did?”

Erwin gives him a tired smile. “Oh, yes.”

Levi leans back. “That’s cold, even by your standards.”

“I know.” He glances at Levi. “Do you think that makes me inhuman, then? A monster?”

“No,” Levi says, irritated. “Just like none of the other ruthless things you’ve done make you a monster.”

Erwin huffs, almost sounding like he’s laughing. “Of course.”

He drinks, adam’s apple bobbing. Levi is close enough that he can smell the wine on Erwin, see the faint shine on his lips.

“So, why aren’t you out there, Levi?” Erwin asks. “They’d be queueing up for the pleasure of your company tonight. No need for brothels now.”

“Not interested. Why aren’t you out?”

Erwin shakes his head. “The presence of their commander would stop the men from feeling uninhibited. They deserve one night of not being reminded of their duties.”

“Bullshit,” Levi says. “They all think you’re a fucking hero, they’d be delighted to have you join them. Inhibitions or not.” He tilts his head. “You should go out, celebrate, get drunk with them.”

“I can’t afford to let my guard down, Levi.”

“Not even for a single night?”

“Not even for a single second.” Erwin sighs and buries his head in his hands.

Maybe it’s the fact that Erwin is slightly drunk, or the sudden surprising honesty and the way he talks about his past, or maybe it’s just how fucking _forlorn_ he looks. But there’s something about him that seems to be begging for - comfort, maybe, or reassurance, and while Levi has never been particularly good at this kind of thing he still can’t just fucking ignore it, can he?

So he puts his hand on Erwin’s shoulder. Without his cloak or jacket, the only thing separating skin from skin is the thin layer of Erwin’s shirt. It’s almost a shock, how solid he feels, how real.

For a moment Erwin doesn’t react. Then he reaches up, hesitantly, fingertips touching Levi’s hand.

Levi’s thumb strokes just beneath Erwin’s collarbone. Erwin shivers in reaction, and that’s –

New.

Nothing else happens. All Levi can feel is the warmth of Erwin’s skin, the subtle movement of his shoulder as he breathes. Levi carefully moves his hand a little closer to Erwin’s throat, and –

“Get out, Levi.”

Levi pulls his hand back as if burnt. “What?”

“Go out,” Erwin says, avoiding Levi’s eyes. “Find someone. You shouldn’t be alone right now.”

Levi huffs. “Says the guy brooding in an abandoned mess hall.”

“I don’t have a _choice_ ,” Erwin snaps, and it’s too sharp, too emotional. Erwin doesn’t get like that, not ever. He’s always in control, even when he’s angry.

“Don’t you?” Levi asks, softly.

Erwin raises his head, eyes on Levi. He looks _vulnerable_.

“And I’m not alone,” Levi continues, carefully. “In case you hadn’t noticed.”

Erwin’s mouth opens and he leans closer, a little, and for a second Levi wonders if he would…

But then he yawns, hugely. Levi rolls his eyes. “Just go to bed, Erwin. Do the intelligent thing.”

“And you?”

“Heading up too, I’m fucking exhausted.” Levi pushes his chair back with a screech and heads for the stairs. A few moments later footsteps follow him. Odd; he wasn’t actually expecting Erwin to listen to him, but there he is, trudging after Levi like a sleepy toddler.

Erwin stops at his door, hand on the doorknob. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” Levi cocks his head and frowns. “Are you…”

“I’m fine,” Erwin says quickly. He goes inside, leaving the door ajar. Levi heads for his own door, then pauses. Turns.

He can still feel the heat of Erwin’s skin against his palm.

He goes back and steps inside Erwin’s room without knocking, as he always does. Erwin is sitting on his bed. When he sees Levi come in he pinches the bridge of his nose in obvious irritation. “ _What_ , Levi?”

Levi closes the door, then shrugs off his jacket. He folds it and hangs it over a nearby chair.

Erwin raises his head from his hand and watches him, carefully. Puzzled.

Levi reaches up and pulls his cravat loose, lets it join the jacket. Then he starts opening the buttons on his shirt.

And _finally_ , Erwin reacts. A faint flush in his cheeks, a darkening of his eyes all the more obvious in the clear blue of his irises…

He stands up and steps in close. Levi looks up, impassive, still unbuttoning his shirt.

Erwin takes Levi’s wrist, stopping him. Levi drops his hands back to his sides. Of course Erwin would be the sort to take control of everything, to –

But then Erwin takes the jacket and cravat from the chair and hands them back to Levi. “No.”

“No?”

“No. Go, Levi.”

“Is that an order?” he asks, softly.

Erwin turns away. “You can’t stay. I’m sorry.”

He waits for a moment, but Erwin stays silent.

“Fine,” Levi says. He goes to the door, then pauses to look back.

Erwin has got his back to him, head bent, shoulders hunched. But his hand is still visible.

He’s holding onto the footboard so tightly his knuckles have turned white.

***

Fucking Erwin has been an inevitability ever since Levi spent the first night in Erwin’s bedroom and saw the man beneath the masks and the uniform. Or maybe it goes even further, long before that, when Erwin came flying out of fucking nowhere to break Levi’s grip with ease, the first person indecades able to keep up with him.

At least, that’s the way it feels now. Before yesterday Levi didn’t spend much thought on sex at all. For a long time the grief had felt too raw, too fresh, to even consider taking someone new to his bed. Besides, the only interested looks he got came from starstruck kids, who are about as appealing to him as Keith fucking Shadis.

And Erwin…The thought may have crossed Levi’s mind once or twice, but he dismissed it as soon as it surfaced. Erwin never gave a sign that the feeling was mutual, after all.

Until yesterday.

The next morning Levi goes down slightly later than usual, and finds the dining hall looking like something from the aftermath of a battle – if the battle was fought with kegs and flagons instead of blades, that is. Even Hange is subdued, head resting on their crossed arms on the table, not even looking up when Levi comes close.

Levi drops his plate extra loudly next to Hange’s head and they shudder. “Had fun last night?” Levi asks.

They groan. “Mercyyy.”

“You should’ve stayed sober, then.” He clatters down his cutlery as well and they go tense, shoulders drawn up.

“Pleaaaase.”

“Brought this on yourself, four-eyes.”

“Ugh,” they groan.

Levi sits down and tracks the room. Erwin is standing at the other side of the hall, chatting quietly with Mike. He doesn’t even look hungover, the unnatural fuck.

Erwin looks up and his eyes meet Levi’s. He seems to freeze, just for a fraction of a second, and then he’s back to his usual composed mask.

Fuck knows why Erwin turned him down. Maybe he’s one of those people who refuse to fuck drunk, or he was worried he wouldn’t get it up. Maybe he just wasn’t in the mood. Or, maybe Levi misread; for all he knows Erwin is a women-only kind of man, and wouldn’t it be fucking _hilarious_ if Levi went up to him again only to have Erwin – politely, kindly – explain to him that Levi wasn’t really his _type_.

Mike and Erwin come over and sit down across them. “Everything alright, Hange?” Erwin asks, with a perfect pokerface. Taking the piss or genuine concern, with Erwin you can never know for sure.

“Blerrrghhh,” Hange says.

Mike wordlessly pushes a mug of black tea in their direction.

“I hope there won’t be any Titans attacking today,” Levi says, idly studying the rest of the room. Compared to most of the Corps, Hange is the very picture of lively energy. “We’d make a very _impressive_ army right now, wouldn’t we?”

“Grant them their one day off, they deserve it,” Erwin says mildly.

He reaches over the table to grab the salt. The movement makes his shirt fall open a little, revealing the line of his collarbones, the little hollow between them.

Erwin leans back again. Levi clears his throat. “So where’s Mette?” he asks.

“Somewhere in town,” Erwin says. “She has someone. I gave her permission to stay over for the night.”

“Is there _anyone_ who didn’t get fucked last night except me?” Hange complains from their prone position.

Levi catches Erwin’s eye. It might be his imagination, but there seems to be a very faint flush on Erwin’s cheeks.

“I’m sure your bright-eyed new assistant would be up for it if you asked nicely,” Levi suggests.

“Moblit? Yeah, I’d rather fuck a Titan.”

“Coming from you, Hange, that’s actually believable.”

They raise their head. “Except they don’t really have orifices, so – ”

Levi claps his hand over their neck and shoves their head back down to the table. Mike sniggers. Hange groans.

And Erwin clears his throat and looks away, cheeks still very slightly pink.

***

The rest of the day is, in one word, _boring_. About the only noteworthy thing happening is Mette’s return around noon, which is greeted by loud cheers and wolf-whistles, to which she simply reacts with a grin and a rude gesture. Apart from that, everyone just lounges around doing nothing, recovering from hangovers. There’s no business from the city either: with the civilians and the officials still reeling from the celebrations, even the Survey Corps gets a day off.

Levi spends most of the day doing the paperwork that inevitably shows up after a mission. On Erwin’s orders he always writes two reports: one for the brass, carefully edited, and one for themselves, containing all the details – even the politically unsavory ones – and the occasional theory or speculation. It makes sense to separate it, be careful, but in practice it means Levi spends a shitload of time measuring and weighing which information to include and which to censor. It’s boring as shit, but at least it keeps him from getting distracted.

The sun is already setting when he finally finishes off the last report. He takes the stack and goes to dump them in Erwin’s office. The man himself isn’t it, so Levi drops the documents on a sidetable and turns to leave again.

And hesitates.

Erwin’s presence is still hanging in the room. His jacket hanging neatly over his chair, his handwriting on the papers on his desk, even a subtle scent lingering in the air....

Levi goes closer to the desk and runs his fingertips across the surface. He has spent a lot of time here in the last two years. Erwin and him had gotten into the habit of doing their paperwork together, and then there were the endless discussions on battle strategies and politics and theories and planning...

It’s like he only has to close his eyes and he’ll hear Erwin’s voice, calm and measured. See him sitting back in his shirtsleeves, frowning, attention fully fixed on Levi.

Feel him leaning on Levi’s shoulders, hands warm and heavy.

Levi turns on his heel and goes to the hallway. Fresh air, the last of the light, and some fucking _space_ , that's what he needs. He heads straight to the stairs and keeps going up until he reaches the roof. The setting sun is casting everything in deep bronze light, the stone of the buildings, the reflections in the windows, the people down below –

– and Erwin, who’s standing near the battlements, all on his own.

Levi leans back, safely hidden in the shadows. Erwin is leaning forward, his shirt tight across his shoulders and his sleeves rolled up, hands clasped loosely together. The straps of his harness are digging into his back in a way that looks uncomfortable, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

“Brooding again?” Levi calls out.

Erwin goes briefly stiff, as if he hadn’t heard Levi approaching, then relaxes. “Just thinking,” he says, without turning.

“Yeah?” Levi comes closer. “Couldn’t do that in the comfort of your office, could you?”

Erwin spares him a look and a smile, even though it looks a little strained. “I was, but I was getting claustrophobic. I think I might be taking over your habit. Rooftops, I mean.”  He looks out over the city. “It adds perspective, doesn’t it?”

Levi leans next to him, closer than he usually does, their arms touching. Erwin doesn’t pull away.

Maybe he shouldn’t. Erwin said no, after all. But he did it weirdly, and in unusual circumstances – and Erwin’s heated look when Levi had started stripping has been popping up into Levi’s imagination all fucking day.

“Anything in particular on your mind?" Levi asks.

“No, just… thinking.” Erwin stares in the distance. “We’re popular again, you know. The Survey Corps. People believe in us.”

“And?”

“Well, maybe it means more funding - in the long term at least. If we can keep it up even the brass will – will see…” He trails off.

Levi has taken Erwin’s hand.

He traces the scar on Erwin’s palm, the sword’s imprint still visible. Erwin keeps his hand open. Levi draws his fingers down, to the bare skin of Erwin’s wrist peeking from beneath his sleeve. Erwin’s pulse is racing, which is interesting, because he looks dead-calm from the outside.

He doesn’t say anything.

Levi lets go. “You should go back inside, go to bed.”

“Yes,” Erwin says, looking unsettled.

“And I don’t mean alone.”

Erwin freezes up.

“My bedroom is only a door away, if you want.”

“Levi, I – ”

“What?” Levi asks. “You don’t want this? If that’s it, just say so.”

“It’s…” Erwin presses his lips together. His hand moves as if to touch, then stops halfway, fingers curling. His eyes seem glued to Levi’s face – no, to Levi’s _mouth_ , and his expression is practically pleading.

Levi reaches for Erwin’s neck.

Erwin’s face goes blank. “No,” he says coldly, then turns and goes back inside, hurried, almost running. Fleeing.

And leaving Levi staring after him, utterly confused.

***

It’s been a while.

He’d forgotten how this goes - or maybe it’s not that, maybe this is something entirely new. Sex had always been just another way of fighting to him, especially before he was strong enough to use his fists or his knives with much success. He’d gotten good at it, reading people’s reactions, finding out what they liked, picking up on all those subtle signs and signals that eventually lead to _fuck me, now_. Anything to give him an advantage.

The only exception to that had only ever been Farlan. He’d been a first, where Levi just tumbled into bed with someone because he liked them, because they liked him, where things were uncomplicated and easy.

Erwin sure as hell isn’t _uncomplicated_.

Levi hides his hands beneath his cloak and wanders through the HQ. It’s one of those calm days, with the next expedition still too far away to give them anything concrete to focus on or worry about. Those few out on the training fields are more goofing around than doing any serious work.

There’s only one training field where anything serious seems to be happening. A lot of spectators are watching from the sidelines, but they stand aside respectfully as they spot Levi approaching. He glances at the field, then pauses.

Erwin is in the ring.

It’s a point of honor with Erwin that he doesn’t lose touch with the daily practice of the Corps, and he tries to join at least one training session every other week. It’s something the men appreciate – something Shadis never bothered with – and Levi is starting to suspect Erwin himself gets something from it as well, that it’s more than just a courtesy, or a manipulative move to inspire loyalty. He genuinely seems to enjoy the training.

Levi makes his way closer to the ring and watches Erwin weave complicated patterns next to Hange and Mike.

He never really noticed before just how _good_ Erwin is. Not nearly as quick as Levi, but he’s strong, and has excellent reflexes, and he moves with the experience of someone who has been doing this for decades but without the unoriginality that comes from routine. He’s strangely graceful as well, for a man in his size.

There’s something really satisfying in watching him move. Just the skill of him, and power, and fluidity of movement...

Erwin swings through the air in a high arch and lands heavily, legs bent and one hand resting on the ground. He straightens up, then stretches, eyes closed and face tilted up to catch the sunlight.

Levi bites the inside of his cheek.

Maybe  _satisfying_ is the wrong word.

“Hey, Levi!” Hange yells. They drop to the ground and wave him over, and Levi vaults over the fence and goes over to them. Erwin turns as he approaches. He’s sweaty, cheeks flushed and breath coming quickly.

“How’s it going?” Levi asks Hange, tearing his eyes away. “Showed our commander how it’s done?”

“Are you _joking_?” Hange rubs their arm. “He fucking trashed me. It’s not fair, you know,” they add, to Erwin. “The rest of us have to train every day to get this far, and you just show up once in a blue moon and trounce everyone.”

“Not _everyone_.” Levi turns to Erwin, suppressing his smirk. “What do you say, want to take me on?”

“Now there’s an idea.” Hange bounces in excitement. “Go on, Erwin, say yes. I have a _dire_ need to see you on your ass.”

Erwin clears his throat. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Really? Why not?” Levi crosses his arms and raises his eyebrow, eyes fixed on Erwin. “Scared, old man?”

“I have, uh, other matters to attend to.”

“Aw, come on,” Hange whines. “You’re not scared of losing? I’m sure if you’ll ask he’ll go easy on you, won’t you Levi?” They give Levi a wink.

“I promise I’ll be gentle with you,” Levi says, with a perfect pokerface, and –

Yeah, there it is. That faint tinge of red on Erwin’s cheeks, and the way he shifts onto his other foot almost like he’s squirming.

“I –. I really shouldn’t linger.” He blinks at Levi, then looks away. “Another time, perhaps.”

“Looking forward to it,” Levi says lazily.

“Yes, well. We’ll see.”

He unbuckles his belt. Levi follows the path of his hands, low at his hips, fingers catching at the buckle - and then suddenly stopping. Levi glances up.

Erwin is looking at Levi, eyes wide. Caught staring.

Erwin snaps his belt off. “I’ll be in my office. Don’t disturb me unless it’s urgent.” And he strides off before either of them can say something more.

“Well,” Hange says, sounding surprised. “That scared him off. Do you really think he’s worried about losing?”

“No fucking clue.” Levi picks up Erwin’s discarded belt and fastens it around his hips. “You want in, then, since Commander Killjoy chickened out?”

“Oh, you know me, Corporal. I’m always up for a little fun.”

Hange goes off to the other side of the field. Levi shoots off his line and finds a place on a thick branch. His toes curl around the wood, balancing. 

It might be weird, this thing with Erwin, and complicated and unfamiliar and even potentially dangerous. But it’s also _fun_. In all the time Levi has known Erwin, there have only been a handful of times where he was anything other than perfectly composed. And now, all it takes is a lingering look or a suggestive hint or a casual touch and off he goes, unable to hide how much he's affected.

It all would be a lot more fun if he reciprocated, though. Fuck knows why he doesn’t, why he insists on playing this _game_. Levi has been trying to draw him out for days and all he ever gets is the same reaction, over and over again. Almost like Erwin is afraid of something.

“Hey!” Hange yells from the other side of the field. “You ready?”

He nods, breathes in.

Focus.

He discards all thoughts of Erwin and shoots off his line, and the entire world simplifies into the _attack-defend-dodge_ of a fight.

***

The next few weeks, Erwin disappears.

That's what it feels like, at least. For some reason Erwin is suddenly insanely busy, to the point where Levi barely sees him. He’s always away on meetings, or locked in his office, or out and about somewhere in the HQ. The only exception is dinner time, and even then he’s distracted, reading letters over his plate and rushing off as soon as he’s finished eating instead of lingering and talking with them, like he used to.

Maybe that's what being popular means. Maybe the brass are trying to rope in the Survey Corps in their plans, take advantage of their hero-status.   A lot has changed in the last few months, ever since Maria and the resulting overpopulation and the rise of the religious weirdos and fuck knows what else. It makes sense that things have suddenly become more complicated, and if that's the case they need Erwin there, at the top, protecting their interests. Or maybe it's the opposite, maybe the brass feel threatened by the Survey Corps and they're trying to undermine them. The Corps is one of the few government departments that's still popular these days, after all. 

Whatever the reason, it’s annoying, Erwin's absence. Levi had grown used to having Erwin around, and not having that makes him feeling weirdly edgy. On the other hand, Erwin's total lack of reaction to Levi's increasingly unsubtle come-ons was starting to get seriously frustrating, so all in all it might be a good thing that Levi sees less of their precious commander these days. 

Besides, he has his own duties to attend to.

“What sort of _psychopath_ would do something like that?” Hans yells.

 _That_ being Levi purposefully sabotaging Lucia’s gear just to see what the squad does in emergencies. The answer, apparently, is _panic_. And be upset about it.

Levi raises his eyebrows. Hans deflates. “Er, sir,” he adds sheepishly.

“What, you think the equipment never fails out in the field?” Levi asks.

“Well, no, but you could have warned us!”

“That would defeat the whole purpose,” Levi says. He turns to Lucia, who’s being helped up by Eld, and gives her a quick once-over. “You alright?”

“Think I sprained my ankle, sir.”

“See?” Hans waves his hand at her. “Why would you – ”

“Because you’re Survey Corps,” Levi says impatiently. “Unpredictable situations are what we’re here for, and _we adapt_. The sooner you learn that, the better.”

“But this is _training,_ we shouldn’t just – ”

“What, everything should be nice and safe? What the fuck would that teach you?” He goes over to Lucia and grabs her shoulder. “Can you walk?”

“Might need a bit of help, sir.”

He throws his arm around her waist and lets her lean on him. The medical officer’s place is only around the corner, close enough to limp all the way. The rest of the squad follow after him, unusually silent.

“Go on, then,” Levi says. “If this happens again, what do you do?”

“Check our equipment first,” Eld says.

“Nice try, but equipment fails even when you keep it in perfect shape. So?”

They don’t reply, thinking deeply. Levi catches a sigh. “First, you should make sure you’re always in each other’s field of vision. Hey Erwin,” he adds, as they round the corner and see Erwin talking to the medical officer.

“Levi,” Erwin says, with a quick glance at him and his squad, who collectively jump into a salute. Erwin waves a hand.  “At ease. What happened?”

“Corporal Levi sabotaged my equipment, Commander,” Lucia says cheerfully.

“He… what?” Erwin blinks.

“Taught them the importance of being able to react to unexpected situations,” Levi drawls.

Usually Erwin would reply with some dry quip, maybe an admonishment, something like that. Today, he just nods. “Right.”

Levi tilts his head in surprise, but Erwin simply turns to the medical officer. “I’ll hear back from you, yes?”

She nods and Erwin marches off, without a second glance for Levi or his squad.The med officer turns to them. “Well?” she says.

“Sprained ankle,” Levi says, pointing down at Lucia. “Take good care of her.”

“Because of course we don’t have enough injuries in the field,” the doctor says sarcastically. “Thank fuck we have you, Corporal, to injure people even when we’re inside the walls. Imagine what we’d do without you.”

“Keeps you from getting rusty.” Levi turns to the rest. “Alright, talk it over. I want an answer to this situation by tonight, got that? Now off with you.”

“Actually, sir…” Sophie says. “We’d like to keep Lucia company, if that’s okay?”

“Sure.” Levi waves a hand in permission and walks off. Then, on impulse, he looks over his shoulder.

They’re gathered around Lucia. The doctor shoos them with an annoyed face but they keep close, Hans leaning on Lucia’s shoulders, Sophie sitting down and leaning her head against Lucia’s hip.

When did that happen? Out of the six of them, only Katja and Willem knew each other well before he put them all together, and now, after only a few months... They might as well be family, going by the way they act around each other. Which is a good thing, makes them look out for each other on the field.

But what are they going to do when one of them dies?

He rubs his forehead in irritation. It’s the sort of issue he’s shit at, managing people’s feelings and relationships. That’s more Erwin’s area.

And the old bastard is conveniently around right now, so the sensible thing is to just go and ask some advice. That’s what he’s commander for, after all.

Levi takes off in the direction Erwin left in, and finds him a few moments later near the gates, where he’s signing off a delivery. Erwin looks up, blinks, then turns back to the papers he’s checking. “Left your squad behind, then?” he says –  to Levi, presumably, even though he’s still staring at his clipboard.

“For the moment.” He takes Erwin’s elbow. “Look, can I talk to you for a moment?”

Erwin clears his throat, fingers suddenly tight around the edge of the clipboard. “Now’s not a good time.”

“Fine.” Levi lets go. “When is a good time, then?”

“I’ll, uh, I’ll let you know.” He hands the clipboard back to the trader and walks off, without another glance at Levi.

“ _Hey_ ,” Levi yells.

Erwin pauses mid-step, doesn’t turn around. “What, Levi?”

“When?” Levi asks. “Today, yeah? Or tomorrow? I know you’re busy but it’ll only take a few minutes.”

“I’ll let you know,” Erwin says stiffly. “Anything else?”

“No,” Levi says, frowning.

“Good.” And he’s off again.

Levi stares after him.

He’s a busy man, Erwin. They’ve all learned to ration their time with him. Even so, Erwin always made sure he had enough time to address any concerns any of them might have. And he’s good at seeing the difference between trivial matters and important ones.

So this? It’s out of character.

Hange passes him. Levi grabs them and forces them to a stop. “Yo, Corporal. What’s up?” Hange asks cheerfully.

“Is Erwin acting weird?”

“Erwin?” Hange purses their lips. “Dunno. A bit more uptight than usual, maybe. Why?”

“Just a feeling I’m getting.”

“I haven’t really noticed anything,” Hange says. They chew their lip in thought.  “Might just be you, though. Did you do something to piss him off?”

Levi casts his mind over the last few days. Nothing in particular stands out, he’s just been training his squad, sitting in meetings, doing his usual…

Unless this is about sex. But Erwin has to be more mature than that, right? It’s just sex. What does he think Levi’s going to do, jump him when his back is turned and ravish him behind the stables? Grope him in front of the recruits?

“I don’t think so,” Levi says.

“Huh. Well – oh, hang on.There’s Mike, let’s ask him.” They stand on tiptoe and start waving their arms. Mike, who was heading away from the training fields, pauses mid-step and raises his eyebrows.

“Got a second?” Hange yells.

He comes over. “What?”

“Erwin. Acting weird, yes or no?”

He stays silent for a moment. Then he says, decisively, “No.”

“See?” Hange turns to Levi. “Probably just your imagination. Or your guilty conscience,” they add, grinning.

“I don’t do guilt,” Levi says coolly.

“That, Corporal, explains a _lot_.” They punch his shoulder, then head back to the field.

Mike doesn’t move, though. He’s still looking down at Levi, head held to one side. Frowning.  “What?” Levi snaps.

“You’re worried,” Mike says.

Levi opens his mouth to protest, then thinks the better of it. “Maybe. He’s been so overworked, it’s possible the stress has finally got to his head. An unraveling commander wouldn’t be any use to anyone.”

“Overworked?”

“Yeah.” Levi tilts his head. “What, you haven’t noticed? It’s like his workload doubled ever since we came back from the last expedition, he’s always fucking busy.”

Mike slowly shakes his head. “Not that I’ve noticed. Same amount of work, same time spent on it.”

“Then why – ” Levi stops.

 _Then why have I barely seen him the last few weeks_? And there’s only one possible reply to that, isn’t there?

Mike looks over his shoulder, at Erwin’s office. “He’s not being weird. Distant, maybe.”

“Why?” Levi asks.

Mike looks back. “Dunno. I don’t waste time on trying to make sense of Erwin.”

“You don’t want to know?”

Mike shrugs. “If it’s something little, he’ll go back to his usual soon enough. And if it’s serious, it’ll show. Even Erwin can’t hide everything forever. Just wait it out.”

Levi starts to reply, but before he can Mike claps him on the shoulder. If he’d been anyone else his knees would have buckled; as it is, he has to grit his teeth at the sudden dull pain in his collarbone.

“Nice to see you care.” Mike grins, teeth gleaming.

“Fuck off,” Levi says, then turns and leaves for the training fields.

***

Erwin continues to avoid him with increasing creativity. No matter what they’re doing, he always makes sure that either he’s busy while Levi is free, or the other way around, or he surrounds himself with people to act as a buffer. He even ignores Levi that one time he bites the bullet and knocks on Erwin’s door.

So when Levi opens the door of the meeting room one afternoon to find only Erwin inside and no one else, he’s justifiably surprised. And he’s not the only one. Erwin is looking at him like a startled rabbit.

“Am I early?” Levi asks, closing the door behind him.

“No. Although I’m not sure where the – ”

A loud _bang_ shakes the floor. They both rush to the window.

There’s a mass of broken timber and netting lying near the gates, splinters fluttering down everywhere, and in the middle of all the destruction is Hange, jumping up and down.

“What the hell happened?” Erwin yells through the window.

“We’re fine,” Hange shouts back, waving their arm. Mette and Mike have appeared as well, picking their way through the mess. “We’ll just clean this up and get to you in no time, promise!”

Levi exchanges an amused look with Erwin. “Should we go down?”

“At this point, we’d probably make things worse.” Erwin smiles.

And then the smile disappears and he quickly moves away from the window, away from Levi. Levi only just manages not to roll his eyes.

He goes over to the plans at the walls instead. “New developments?”

“Yes.” Erwin clears his throat. “We’ll have to make do with lesser resources, I’m afraid. The budget’s gone down.”

Levi turns in surprise. “Why? I thought we were doing well?”

“Every government department has suffered cutbacks. The overpopulation – ”

“– isn’t going to be solved by just more money,” Levi says irritably.

“I’m aware.” Erwin rubs his forehead. “It might buy some more food for the refugees, but it’s a temporary solution. And the rumors I’ve been hearing about potential long-term solutions are – are too horrifying to consider.”

“It’s not our job to worry about that, is it?” Levi points out. “The Survey Corps’ purview is everything outside the walls, not inside.”

“I hope so.”

Levi frowns. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s all connected. You can’t see what we do separately from what happens inside the walls. And we have resources the other military branches don’t have, so... ”

“Has anything been decided? Have they asked us to do anything?”

Erwin looks up. “No, not yet.”

“Then don’t worry about it.” Levi shrugs. “I told you before, there’s no sense in obsessing over what _might_ happen.”

Erwin takes a deep breath. “You may be right.”

“I am.”

Erwin smiles, and for a moment it’s almost like the way it used to be.

But then Levi takes a step closer and Erwin promptly backs away, like he’s afraid. Like he doesn’t trust Levi to come close.

Levi grits his teeth. Maybe he should just take the rejection and back off. He doesn’t fucking push where he’s not wanted, and anyway, this whole thing isn’t entirely healthy. But Erwin…

It’s not _no_ , that’s the thing. Or rather: it’s not _no, I don’t want you_ , it’s _no, because I choose not to_ , and the reason _why_ is what’s bothering Levi. There’s no sense to it, no logic, and if there’s one thing that Erwin never lacked it’s logic.

There’s something stopping Erwin, and he’s refusing to tell Levi what.

“You know, I never thought you had it in you to be childish,” Levi says sharply.

Erwin’s shoulders draw up in obvious tension, but he doesn’t reply.

“That’s what I mean,” Levi continues. “The silent treatment. It’s fucking ridic– ”

A knock interrupts them. Erwin barks _enter_ and a soldier sticks their head in. “Squad Leader Hange sent me up to tell you the mess is cleared, Commander. And to ask if you’d shout at them if they came up now.”

“Just tell them to get up here,” Erwin says impatiently.

The soldier nods and disappears. Erwin turns his attention back to Levi. “You’re imagining things.”

“Like hell I am. How long do you think it’ll be before the whole Corps will start noticing?” Levi turns away in frustration. “Fucking man up, Erwin, or you’re going to get everyone worrying again.”

Erwin shakes his head. “You’re exaggerating.”

“You’re avoiding me.”

“I’ve just been busy, Levi, I _am_ the commander. I - I can’t help – ”

“This is the first time we’re alone together in what, a month?” Levi snaps. “Don’t tell me that’s a fucking coincidence.”

“I - It’s just…” But he trails off under Levi’s glare.

It doesn’t make sense. This isn’t Erwin. Erwin doesn’t stutter. Erwin doesn’t avoid things, he doesn’t lie, and he definitely doesn’t treat Levi like he’s stupid.

“Look,” Erwin says, “I don’t know what you want, but…”

“Really? Then you’re even more naïve than I thought.” Levi sets his hands on the table and leans forward. “Do I need to spell it out for you? I want to fu-”

“ _Stop it_ ,” Erwin snaps, furious.

They stare at each other. It takes all Levi has to just stay where he is instead of reaching across and grabbing Erwin and shaking some fucking sense into him.

Someone knocks again. Erwin yells _enter_ , then tears his eyes away from Levi.

“Sorry about that!” Hange gives Erwin a shaky smile. “You’re, uh, not angry or anything, are you?”

Erwin shakes his head. “Just sit down, Hange.”

The others follow in and they sit down at the table. Erwin picks the chair furthest away from Levi, something that doesn’t escape him.

“Alright.” Erwin shuffles his papers. “Let’s make this brief. First – Hange, what the hell did you do?”

“Ah, well.” They pull a sheepish face. “I tried the new ballista. On the plus side: the mechanism definitely works!”

“And the downside?” Erwin asks wearily.

“Well – the arrows kinda exploded, so that’s still a work in progress.” Hange brightens up. “But we’re heading in the right direction!”

“Right.” Erwin rubs his forehead. “Good. Try to aim for something less important, if it happens again.”

“Roger. I’ll point ‘em at Corporal Levi next time.”

Erwin doesn’t react. “Next. The recruitment drive is next week.”

“Already?” Mette says, in surprise.

Levi quickly does the mental maths – yeah, twelve months. And yet it seems like only yesterday Erwin brought in the dozen recruits for him to train.

Time flies.

“With the recent successes and the general positive opinion about the Corps, I’m hoping more recruits will consider joining us.” Erwin looks up from his papers. “Levi, I want you to come with.”

“Why?” Levi asks.

“I hope you don’t expect him to do any talking,” Hange quips. They drop their voice low. “ _Listen up, shitheads, you’re probably going to die so just do what I fucking say and you might up end alive._ Inspirational.”

“Simply you being there should do the trick,” Erwin says, unperturbed. “You’re as good as a celebrity these days, someone people admire, who gives them hope. If they see you, they might feel inspired to join our fight, see it as less hopeless than most say it is.”

“So you just want me to stand there and look heroic?” Levi asks.

“Basically, yes.”

“I have better things to do than – ”

“Levi,” Erwin says sharply. “You’re coming along. That’s an order.”

“Oh, is it?” Levi narrows his eyes. “Are you sure you want to risk it? Imagine if I did something _embarrassing_.”

Erwin glares at him for a moment or two, then goes back to his documents. “Mike,” he says. “How are the new flares coming along?”

Subject closed.

Levi fights the impulse to clock Erwin in the jaw and sits back, in silence and obedience and fuming with it.

***

Levi leaves the second the meeting is done.  He rushes off with the full intention of training the fury out of him, but someone grabs his arm and stops him. He turns, a whole tirade against Erwin ready to explode - except it turns out to be Mette.

She pulls him into an antechamber and turns on him, arms folded. “What’s going on?” she asks. “Between you and Erwin.”

“There’s – ”

“And don’t pretend there’s nothing. I’m not stupid.”

“I know you’re not,” Levi says irritably. “But I barely understand myself what’s going on.”

Mette sighs. “I thought if you two could just have a moment together you’d sort this out, but evidently I was wrong. ”

Levi narrows his eyes. “You mean Hange blowing up – ”

“I just asked them to create a diversion.” She pulls a face. “I should’ve known better, shouldn’t I? But it worked, and no one got hurt, so…”

Levi stays silent. 

She sits down on the window sill and looks up at him. “Erwin’s been weird for weeks now, about you. Something in the way he talks about you – ”

“When does he talk about me?” Levi asks, surprised.

“When you aren’t around.” She smiles. “He practically goes starry-eyed when he mentions you. Have you ever seen him defend you against the squad leaders?”

Levi shakes his head.

“Well, it’s something. You’ve got no supporter more enthusiastic than him. But now…” She shrugs. “Last week Hange name-dropped you and his face twisted like he was eating a sour apple. And then the glare fest today... So I thought – ”

“I pissed him off again?”

“Did you?”

“No.” He wipes his thumb over a buckle at his shoulder. “Maybe. Who knows what pisses Erwin off?”

“What did you do?”

“Nothing that concerns you.”

She raises her hands in defense. “Just checking if you need anyone to mediate. He relies on you a lot, you know.”

“There’s nothing that could make me stop fighting,” Levi says. “Even Erwin being furious at me. There’s no need to – ”

“That’s not what I meant.” She sighs and runs a hand through her hair. “I’m – I don’t know how Erwin thinks, what makes him tick. But… You know he always says how you give everyone hope? Make them believe in humanity’s strength?”

“Yes,” Levi says slowly.

“I think he’s not just talking about everyone else.”

Levi stays silent.

“He’s avoiding you, Levi,” Mette says.

“Is he?”

She gives him a level look, one that reminds him strongly of Erwin in his best _cut-the-shit_ mood. Maybe he learned it from her.

He shrugs. “Exactly, _he_ is avoiding _me_. It’s his problem. Go bother him.”

“Oh, I tried. He stonewalled me.” She leans her elbows on her knees and gives him a tired look. “Whatever it is, Levi, please just get it sorted.”

“You’re assuming I know what _it_ is.”

“Don’t you?”

He folds his arms. “Not exactly, no.”

“Well, try and talk with him.”

“I did try, did you see how that worked out?”

“Just… I don’t know.” She sits up and stretches, hand against her lower back. “The Corps suffers when you two are at odds, you know.”

“I know. But – honestly? This time, it’s not my fault.”

“Shame.” She stands up. “You’re much easier to deal with than Erwin. If there is something you think of, something any of us can do…”

“I’ll let you know.”

“Thanks.” She stretches, then leaves the room, muttering something under her breath about _stupid fucking grown men acting like teenagers_.

The door falls closed.

Levi runs his hand over his eyes. Maybe he should just go to Erwin, state plain and clear that he isn’t interested and that Erwin’s virtue is safe around him, so he can stop being all jumpy and stiff.

But that’s ridiculous. And a lie. And… Well, normally Levi wouldn’t have thought twice of backing off if it was clear the someone in question wasn’t interested, but that’s the whole fucking thing here, isn’t it? Erwin does want him. Levi saw the look in his eyes, felt his heart race. That’s not indifference.

And he can’t let go of this.

***

They leave for the trainee’s barracks two days later.

They ride there without saying a word. Levi is perfectly happy seething in silence. He _hates_ this, being paraded around, forced to join the fucking theatre. At least when it’s meetings he can see the point, but this? He’s just here as a fucking mascot.

He can’t help but suspect this is Erwin’s revenge for – what, embarrassing him? Saying what he wants instead of dancing around and pretending he doesn’t get hard at the thought of Erwin in his bed? Or maybe Erwin is just asserting his dominance, the way pack animals do, making sure Levi knows who’s boss.

Fucking dick.

“We’re here,” Erwin says, holding up his hand. His first words since they left the HQ.

They dismount. A sergeant immediately comes running. She swings a salute and stands quivering to attention until Erwin waves her down.

Levi rolls his eyes.

“This way, please,” the sergeant says. They follow behind her, Levi at his usual position at Erwin’s right shoulder. It’s the sort of thing that almost comes naturally to him these days, falling into step behind Erwin, having his back.

Right now, it grates.

The sergeant leads them down a hallway to a waiting room, then leaves them there, closing the door behind him. Erwin folds his hands behind his back and stares absently out of the window, still as a statue. Levi leans against the wall, arms crossed, waiting. The silence here feels even more oppressive and tense than outside, where there was at least some background noise to distract them.

“I thought we were past this,” Levi says, when the silence starts to get on his nerves.

“Past what?” Erwin asks absently.

“You giving me stupid fucking orders for the sake of it.”

Erwin looks at him. “I never did,” he says. “You think I’d ask something of you unless it was necessary?”

“I think you like seeing me jump through hoops just because you tell me to,” Levi replies, a little sharper than he intended.

“I don’t.” Erwin is quiet for a while, eyes on the floor, before he speaks up again. “It’s the opposite, in fact.”

“What?”

“You. Not treating me like a superior. It’s refreshing, even though it can be tiring as well. I never intended to change that. If I really wanted to have you obey my every single order without protesting, I could have – ” He stops himself.

“You could have, what,” Levi says coldly. “Broken me? You think you could have done that?”

“I don’t _want_ to know. That’s the point, Levi. If you listen to me I want to know it’s because you agree with me, or that you trust me. That it isn’t just blind obedience.” And Erwin meets his eyes.

Levi opens his mouth to speak, then stops. “But you still don’t trust me fully, do you?” he says softly.

Erwin frowns. “What have I done? When have I ever…”

Levi stays silent. Realization dawns on Erwin’s face. “That’s – that’s not about trust.”

“Isn’t it?” Levi asks, but before Erwin can answer someone knocks. Levi gives Erwin one more look before opening the door.

This one is a regular soldier, who promptly turns red when she sees him. “Co- Corporal Levi, sir?”

“What?”

She swallows. “The recruits are ready.”

Levi looks over his shoulder. “Go on, then. Dazzle them.”

Erwin brushes past Levi and goes out, the Commander-mask firmly in place, the last traces of confusion and unease completely erased.

***

Over forty recruits remain standing after Erwin’s speech, which is a record for the Survey Corps. 

“You’re at least partly responsible for this,” Erwin says as Levi looks the new batch over. “I told you your presence would have its effect, didn’t I?”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Erwin. Or your public speaking skills.” Levi mounts his horse and uses the momentary advantage in height to look down at Erwin. “I would have joined up without hesitation if I’d heard that speech.”

“Would you?” Erwin asks.

“No.” Levi presses his knees into the sides of the horse and leaves Erwin behind.

Erwin gains on him soon enough and they fall into an easy trot, the recruits following behind. People turn to watch as they pass, curious and admiring, whispering to each other.

He can feel Erwin watching him. Maybe he finally got through to the stubborn idiot. Of course he won’t know for sure until they’re back at the HQ and get some privacy; they can’t exactly have a heart-to-heart with four dozen newbies at their backs, can they?

But it’s there. In the way Erwin is looking at him, almost constantly, like he can’t tear his eyes away – and then suddenly he can, and he frowns at something in the distance.

Levi follows his gaze and spots a Garrison soldier galloping in their direction with a speed that’s fucking dangerous in the middle of a busy street. Which can only mean it’s urgent. Levi brings his horse closer to Erwin’s. “What’s…”

The Garrison soldier pulls their horse to a halt in front of them, staring fixedly at the crests on their cloaks. “Su- Survey Corps?”

“I’m Commander Smith,” Erwin says calmly. “What is it?”

The soldier gulps. “The Armored Titan has been spotted, sir.”

A shiver of reaction runs through the crowd, who’ve gathered around to listen. Levi straightens up in his saddle, hand going to the blades at his side - which he left in the HQ, damn it.

“What?” Erwin asks. “Where?”

“A few miles from the gates. There’s a whole cluster of Titans gathered there as well. It’s – It might be another attack, sir.”

And panic hits the crowd like a wave. Someone screams, and people gather their things and start running. “This is just like a year ago,” a woman wails. “They’ll break through the wall and – ”

“How many?” Erwin asks, calm as death, impervious for the fear and despondency that’s cascading through the crowds.

The man shakes his head. “Don’t know. At least a dozen. We don’t…” He breathes out, shakily. “We don’t know what to do.”

“Levi.” Erwin turns to him. “Go to the gates, assess the situation, and gear up – they’ve got equipment stored we can use. But wait until the rest of your squad is there to go out and engage, understood?”

Levi nods and gathers the reins, but Erwin grabs his arm and yanks him back. “What?” Levi snaps.

“I mean it, Levi,” Erwin says, urgently. “ _Wait_ before engaging. I need you to come back alive, alright?”

“Don’t worry.” Levi shakes Erwin’s hand off. “I’m not going to die within fucking spitting range of the walls.”

***

It’s raining.

The battle fragments into instincts, blood, wind whistling past his ears, his fingers slick on the handle of the blade and images burning into his sight and –

_\- Eld falls, screaming, from too high  -_

_\- Hange’s flight get cut short and it raises them to its mouth –_

_\- Levi’s sword is dripping with steaming blood –_

_\- the smell of Titans and rain on grass and spilled blood –_

And then he’s on the ground again, dead steaming bodies all around him, blunted blades falling from wet hands and someone grabs his arm and pulls him along, onto a horse, and – after a decade of riding, after barely a moment, after – he’s inside HQ.

“False alarm,” he can hear Sophie say. “Just regular Titans, but a lot of them…”

“Levi?” someone asks.

He stares at the flagstones beneath his feet. He’s dripping something on them, rain or blood or both. Probably both.

A hand touches his shoulder and he flinches. “I’m fine,” he manages to say, even though he’s not, he’s breaking apart, he can’t -

He shoulders his way past people, not looking up at their faces, just straight up the stairs and to his room and he slams the door shut, leans on it.

His hands are shaking.

_\- Hange’s scream high-pitched and panicked the sickening bad-wrong angle of Eld’s leg the blood on his hands -_

He tips his head back, breathes out slowly. He can do this. He can regain control. He won’t let himself be fucked over by fucking _memories_ –

_\- Isabel dangling from the Titan’s grip Farlan jumping up too late too far and the spray of blood as they die because he couldn’t make the fucking right decisions -_

There’s no point. He can’t change the past, and the present is fine. Hange is alright, Eld will heal, the Titans outside the walls are all dead, everything is safe now. So why the _fuck_ can’t he just calm down?

The door creaks open. Levi, battle-instincts still not quite dormant, swings around and has his knife up before he registers that it’s Erwin, standing there, that there’s no threat, that he’s safe.

Levi lowers the knife. “Erwin,” he says. His voice sounds calm, cold. “What are you doing here?”

“I heard noise. Are you…” Erwin trails off.

“Fuck off,” Levi says, tiredly. “I’m not in the mood to be lectured.”

“I’m not here to lecture.”

Levi looks up. Erwin carefully closes the door behind him, then steps closer. His hand is out, like he’s approaching a rabid dog, and when Levi doesn’t react he gently touches his wrist.

Levi doesn’t pull away.

He moves slowly, Erwin, as if he expects Levi to snap, to attack at any moment. A small step closer, his thumb sliding over the skin at Levi’s wrist, the other hand coming up to rest at his nape, holding him. And then he stops, but doesn’t move away.

No way to read this as anything other than a come on.

Levi yanks Erwin down by the shirtfront and kisses him until the taste of rain is washed from his mouth.

***

Fucking Erwin is different from fucking anyone else. It’s nowhere near like the other people he’s had. It’s not even like with Farlan. Farlan never looked at him like that, fixed, almost threatening, as if Erwin is only seconds away from trying to peel away Levi’s skin.

Levi lands hard on the bed, dragging Erwin along with him. Erwin keeps kissing him, hand on Levi’s neck and tongue working inside, greedy, messy, demanding. He’s pulling at the straps of Levi’s harness, and even one-handed and blind it’s only a matter of seconds before it’s off.

Erwin sits up again and scrambles down the bed. Levi heaves in a breath. The warmth of Erwin, the weight, the closeness… He wants it _back_ , and he tries to tug Erwin back up but Erwin beats his hand off, then grabs Levi’s foot and – oh, right, undressing.

Except Erwin seems even more fucking impatient than Levi, and even while he’s still pulling at Levi’s boot he bends over and yanks Levi’s shirt up and bites down hard at the tender skin above Levi’s hipbone. Levi curses and arches off the bed, hand flailing. It’s – it’s too much, he hadn’t been fucking expecting this, not like this, not –

Erwin yanks Levi’s other boot off and swings his leg over Levi’s hips again. Levi grabs Erwin’s shoulders and pulls, desperate to get him close again, that heavy heady physical contact chasing away everything else. Erwin almost loses balance, only a quickly outflung hand prevents him from crushing Levi. Levi wraps his legs around the back of Erwin’s thighs and tries to pull him even closer, eager, desperate, hungry - _fuck_ , how he wants this.

Erwin takes Levi’s neck again, thumbs on his cheeks. He’s saying something, making comforting noises and other things that don’t really register. Levi throws his arms around Erwin’s shoulder and pushes up, burying his face in the crook of Erwin’s neck, breathing in the scent of soap and sweat and hair and skin, the stubble on Erwin’s jaw scraping his cheek.

It feels unreal. After the cold and wet outside, the blood and carnage, to have this...

They’re pressed close pretty much everywhere, chest to chest and Levi’s legs on top of Erwin’s, and Erwin is kissing, biting at the side of Levi’s neck. And it still isn’t fucking enough.

Levi drops one hand to the mattress and pushes, rolling over and landing him on top. He fits himself as close to Erwin as he can get and yanks at his hair, forcing him closer. They kiss again and Levi can taste blood and Erwin’s hands are on his ass and he’s going to fucking _drown_ in this.

Erwin pushes at Levi’s shoulders. He struggles, tries to keep close, and Erwin says his name and moans, but his hand is worming between them and –

Clothes. 

Levi sits up and quickly pulls his shirt over his head. He starts pulling at the clasps of Erwin’s harness, then loses patience and gets his knife from the floor next to the bed. Erwin doesn’t even react to the suddenly appearing weapon, just pushes up so Levi can cut through the harness and the shirt and pull them both off, and that’s - it’s a fucking _knife_ and he doesn’t even protest.

Talk about trust.

Levi throws the knife from the bed and leans his hands on Erwin’s chest. His skin is hot, and Levi can feel a rapid heartbeat beneath his palms. He slides his hands slowly down, then up again, fingers fanned, feeling the bone beneath thin skin, the hard muscle.

Erwin moans, then reaches up. On impulse Levi grabs Erwin’s wrists and pins them one-handed above the pillow, then closes his other hand around Erwin’s throat.

He can feel Erwin’s pulse racing, the bob of his adam’s apple as he swallows. His eyes are huge.

Levi tightens his grip slightly, careful to stay away from the carotid.

Erwin bucks. Levi readjusts, keeps him down. He can feel Erwin’s cock press hard against his thigh, as familiar as it’s new because it’s _Erwin_ , here, now. Erwin the Commander, Erwin with his mask-like face and his orders and plans and competence and intelligence, Erwin’s cock that’s hard for him.

Levi lets go of Erwin’s throat and goes down again, knees on either side of Erwin’s hips. He bites at the juncture of Erwin’s neck and shoulder, closes his lips around his collarbone and sucks, then works his way down until he can scrape his teeth over a nipple.

Erwin hisses. Levi looks up. Erwin has still got his hands above his head, and his fingers are twisted into the pillow, grip white-knuckled. Apparently he _likes_ not taking charge – or maybe the fact that for once there’s someone who pushes back stunned him into immobility. 

Levi breathes in, deeply. It feels fucking unreal, like he’s dreaming, like this can’t be really happening.

“Levi,” Erwin says, voice hoarse. His eyes open.

Levi almost looks away. He’s _never_ seen that amount of heat in him before.

Erwin blinks, then reaches down. He throws his arm around Levi’s shoulders and pulls him up and turns so they’re both on their side. Erwin’s hands roam over Levi’s chest and shoulders and arms and it’s - it’s fucking _insane_ , it’s just skin contact, nothing special, and Levi arches and writhes like he’s being tortured.

He grabs Erwin’s head and kisses him hard, then lets go and wrestles briefly with his pants before he gets them pushed down his thighs. Erwin’s hand reaches for Levi’s cock, then pauses, as if he’s insecure. Levi impatiently beats Erwin’s hand aside and cups Erwin’s crotch through his pants.

And Erwin goes completely still.

For a few seconds, neither of them moves. Erwin is panting and his usually light eyes are dark, pupils huge. His hand is resting on Levi’s shoulder. Levi can feel him tremble.

Without breaking eye contact Levi undoes the buttons of Erwin’s pants and works his hand inside. Erwin’s eyes close and his mouth falls open, and he looks – vulnerable, and ecstatic, and fucking _hot_. Levi presses his palm flat against Erwin’s hard cock and watches him, hungrily, drinking in every detail of his expression.

Erwin reaches down and starts tugging clumsily at his pants. Levi pushes up onto his elbow to help, and then they’re out of the way and he _finally_ has his hand fully on Erwin’s cock.

But he has barely moved before Erwin pulls Levi’s hand away.

“What?” Levi gasps.

“You’re – ” and Erwin falls silent, panting like he’s in the middle of fight.

They stare at each other. Erwin’s grip on Levi’s wrist is hard, painful, familiar. He can’t move. He doesn’t want to move.

Erwin lets go and takes Levi’s neck, then runs his hand slowly down, over his chest to his hips and finally closing on his cock. Levi squeezes his eyes shut, breathes in sharply to his nose. He’s shaking, his arm trembling like he can’t support his own weight anymore.

It’s just sex. It’s just _sex_ , it shouldn’t affect him like this.

“Are you – ” Erwin starts, but Levi claps his hand over Erwin’s mouth before he can finish. No words. Talking would complicate things and he doesn’t want to think about this.

Levi runs his hand over Erwin’s neck and up, at the short-shaven hair at his nape, then drags his fingernails down. Erwin shivers, moans. Levi takes a deep shaking breath, and reaches down, finding Erwin’s hand. He shifts, angles his hips up and adjust his grip and –

Erwin gasps. Fingers linked, cocks sliding together. Erwin’s free hand desperately pats the sheets. He briefly grabs the pillow behind him, then drops it and reaches down, hooking behind Levi’s neck and pulling him into another hungry kiss.

It’s clumsy. There’s no other word for it, the way their fingers bump together when their rhythm isn’t in sync, Levi scrabbling on the bed and arching his neck to reach Erwin’s mouth and Erwin groping Levi’s thigh, his hip, his back, like he can’t decide what to settle on. It’s messy and there are a thousand ways to make this easier but he _doesn’t want to let go_.

He digs his heel into the mattress and pushes his hips up. Erwin’s fingers dig hard into Levi’s neck and he arches, eyes squeezed shut. Close. Levi bends and bites down hard at the side of Erwin’s throat. He’s pressed so close he can feel each movement as Erwin comes, the way he twitches and his hips jerk and his nails digging deep into Levi’s back.

And then he drops back, breathing hard, looking completely stunned.

Levi’s fingers are wet. He idly wipes them clean on the sheets, staring at Erwin, Erwin who’s still panting and flushed and sweaty and looking completely and utterly fucked-out.

Levi did that. _Levi_ is responsible for that look.

He groans and tips his head forward, leaning against Erwin’s shoulder. He doesn’t want it to end. His cock feels like it’s ready to fucking explode and still he can’t make himself reach down and finish himself off, because then it’s done, and he doesn’t, doesn’t want...

Erwin rolls over to his side again and pulls Levi close. Levi throws his arms around Erwin’s waist. The muscle of Erwin’s back flexes against his palms as he moves, pressing even closer. He’s fucking _drowning_ in body contact, the heat of him, the solid strength, the sheer fucking presence.

Erwin closes his hand around Levi’s cock, big hand long fingers moving too slow too hard but it’s - 

Levi bites down hard on his tongue to keep the sound in and hangs onto Erwin’s arms and squeezes his eyes shut just to avoid the sight of Erwin staring at him as he comes.

He collapses on top of Erwin.

Erwin slowly takes his hand away. Levi rolls off and lies flat on his back, heart beating overtime.

He can still feel Erwin, arm and thigh touching his, hot and sticky with sweat. Hear him, too, his heavy breathing. Somehow, he feels even more _near_ than he did when they were squashed against each other.

Levi sits up. He runs his hands over his face, then looks aside. Erwin is staring at the ceiling, a faintly shocked expression on his face.

“Don’t tell me you’re regretting this,” Levi says irritably.

Erwin slowly shakes his head. “No. No, I… I don’t.”

“Yeah?” Levi tugs his pants back up, then turns, folding his leg beneath him. “Then why did you wait this long? Why _now_?”

“Because you…” Erwin closes his eyes. “Because you looked like you needed it.”

“Yeah? And what about you?”

Erwin cracks one eye open. “Sorry?”

“What did you need?”

Erwin opens his mouth, then closes it again. Unable to reply.

Levi raises his hand and scrunches his nose in disgust at the drying come on his fingers. “I’m going to clean up,” he says, sliding out of bed. “You should go back to your room. I’m sure there’s some kind of rule about spending the night in someone else’s bedroom. _Fraternising with your superior officers_ , some shit like that.”

“We’re hardly the only people in the Corps with a sexual relationship,” Erwin says.

Levi looks over his shoulder, eyebrows raised. “Oh, so we’re in a _relationship_ now?”

Erwin sits up. “I only meant – ”

“Yeah, whatever.” Levi splashes water onto his face. “You should still leave. Before someone spots you here.”

Erwin seems to hesitate.

“What?” Levi says, looking over his shoulder. “You weren’t thinking of sleeping here, were you?”

Erwin gets out of bed and pulls his clothes back on, in silence. Levi washes his hands, scrubbing and wiping. This, at least, is a part of sex he didn’t really miss.

“Levi…”

He looks up. Erwin reaches out as if to touch, then seems to think the better of it. “What?” Levi says, sharply.

“Thank you.”

Levi huffs. “In case you didn’t realize, the enjoyment wasn’t just yours. I wasn’t doing this out of the kindness of my heart.”

Erwin shakes his head, then takes his harness and goes to the door. His shoulders are a little slumped. It reminds Levi of the night of the celebrations, that vulnerable look he had…

“Erwin,” Levi forces himself to say.

Erwin pauses, turns, looking cautiously expectant. “Yes?”

Levi opens his mouth, struggling with the words. Finally he settles on, “Sorry about the harness.”

“Yes, well…” Erwin looks down at the cut straps in his hands, a bit sheepishly. “I’ll find some way to explain it away. The advantage of being the Commander, no one dares to ask awkward questions.”

He lingers at the doorway, apparently waiting for Levi to say something. Levi stays quiet, watching him.

Eventually Erwin sighs and leaves, making the room feel suddenly strangely empty.

***

Levi wakes up the next morning feeling unusually peaceful and well-rested. It isn’t until he rolls over and spots the stains on the sheets that he remembers _why_ , though.

It’s almost a disappointment to find the bed empty. Maybe he should have asked Erwin to stay after all – but what if someone noticed? Besides, Levi’s nights are difficult enough as it is, without another person around to watch him wake up wild-eyed and covered in sweat.

He rolls onto his back, folds his hands behind his head, and smiles. It  _had_ been good, though. Better than he’d expected. Maybe it’s just because he hasn’t had any in two years, or because he was half-mad with memories and exhaustion and anything would have felt great in comparison, but... 

He sits up and runs his fingers over his throat, which still feels tender. One look in the mirror reassures him that there are no marks, which would have been difficult to explain.

He gets cleaned up and puts on his uniform, then goes out and knocks on the door next to his. No reply.

“He’s out.”

He turns. Hange is watching him, head held to one side. “You know,” they say, “I think that’s the first time I’ve ever seen you knock. Still fighting?”

“No,” Levi says, eyes going back to the door. “No, I don’t think so.”

“Well, good.” They pat him on the shoulder. “I prefer it when you’re buddies.”

“How’s your arm?”

“Alright.” They touch their arm, bandaged from wrist to elbow. “Few seconds later and I’d have lost it, the doctor kept saying. I owe you a limb, Lance Corporal.”

“I don’t keep track of the things you owe me,” Levi says absently. “Where’s Erwin gone?”

“City. There was some kind of emergency meeting about yesterday’s attack.” They watch him. “Are you _sure_ everything’s alright? You look a little… weird. Although you always look weird, really.”

“And coming from you, that’s saying something.” He looks back at the closed door behind them. “Do you know when he’ll be back?”

“No.” Hange gives him a strange smile. “Do you miss him already?”

“No.” He eyes the door, seriously considering entering before dismissing it – Hange would ask for an explanation, and he doesn’t have one. “Just have some shit to talk through.”

They go down the hall and Levi falls into step behind them. “Then you’ll just have to sit on your shit until he comes back,” Hange says cheerfully. “Careful not to stain your pants.”

“Your sense of humor is getting worse by the day, four-eyes.”

“Learnt from the best, Corporal.”

***

Erwin returns late that afternoon and promptly buries himself in paperwork, communicating to the rest of them that he does not want to be disturbed unless it’s life-or-death urgent. Levi takes the hint and spends the day with his squad on the training grounds.

Erwin doesn’t come down for dinner, but that isn’t that unusual these days either. Mette and Mike keep Levi distracted with tales of how he’s _famous_ now, after his performance within viewing distance of the walls. Only a handful of people actually saw him, of course, but tales spread and soon the rumors were all over town. Corporal Levi, the one-man squad of destruction.

Erwin is still up when Levi goes back upstairs, a thin strip of light flickering out from beneath Erwin’s door. Levi knocks.

“Who is it?” Erwin asks.

“Me. Let me in.”

There’s silence. Then, “I’m busy. Come back later, Levi.”

He stares at the door. It’s already nearing midnight, what the hell does he mean by _come back later_?

Unless he’s playing the avoidance game again. Fucking _hell_ , he thought this bullshit had finished last night.

“Erwin – ”

“ _Goodnight_ , Levi,” Erwin says loudly.

Levi waits for a moment, just in case.

But the door stays closed, so he goes to bed alone, in sheets washed free of the scent of another person.

***

HQ is full of the sounds of carpentry.

No one expected they’d get that many new recruits, and that, combined with the fact that last expedition had far less deaths than usual, means that the sleeping quarters have suddenly become very cramped. The recruits have been sleeping on makeshift mattresses for the last few days, while Erwin juggles the budget to squeeze out enough money for new beds, and preferably some new quarters as well. Until then, some of the more creative members are trying to build beds and sheds out of spare wood they still had lying around.

Levi stands aside for a whole parade of soldiers carrying planks, then goes over to the training grounds, where the new recruits are flying around like drunk mosquitos. There’s someone standing at the sidelines, yelling the occasional encouragement. Not Ness, who usually does most of the training.

Levi raises his eyebrows in surprise, then goes over. “What are you doing here?” he asks.

Nanaba salutes. “Ness’ idea, sir. He thought having a recent graduate to help out with the training would give them some more faith, make ‘em see how far they can come in one year.”

“And he picked you?”

“I volunteered, sir.” They give the kids a fond look. “I don’t mind.”

Levi follows their gaze. “How are they?”

“Good.” They catch Levi’s sceptical expression and shake their head, smiling. “No, really, there are some really talented ones there.”

Levi cocks his head. As he watches, two recruits lose their footing and hit each other mid-air. Another comes flying over to help, only to misjudge their distance and crash full-force into the two tangled reruits.

“Yeah, _real_ talented, I can see,” Levi says dryly.

“Well, they were until you showed up. I think you make them nervous.”

“If this is how they are when they’re nervous, I’d hate to see them when they’re shit-scared and chased by Titans.”

“Actually, sir…” Nanaba smiles at him, a glint in their eyes. “I think they’d prefer a Titan over you. They don’t have to face a Titan the day after. They don’t _admire_ Titans.”

Levi huffs and keeps tracking the recruits. It’s a sorry state, although there is one…

“Who’s that?” he asks, pointing at a recruit dropping elegantly from a tree.

“Petra Ral. She was in the top ten of her class. One of the first to pledge, apparently.”

The girl flies from building to tree, feet only ever touching the surface to gently steer her way. She uses the space excellently as well, one of those things that separate the regular soldiers from the really good ones. It takes a certain kind of person to think entirely in three dimensions, instead of just considering their equipment a sort of high-tech horse.

The girl flips and lands firmly on her feet. The others applaud.

Levi vaults over the fence and goes closer. “ _Hey!_ ” he yells as the girl descends from her rooftop.

She turns her head, her eyes go wide, and she completely loses her trajectory. Her hook grapples onto thin air and she lands face-down in the sand - thank fuck she was already close to the ground, or she would have ended up with more than just a few bruises and scrapes.

Levi stops in front of her. She pushes up onto her knees and splutters sand. Her eyes seem glued to his boots, as if she doesn’t dare look up at him.

“What the fuck was that?” Levi asks.

She scrabbles up, her cheeks a deep shade of pink and eyes downcast. “Sorry, sir. You, er, startled me.”

“What do you think Titans do, politely announce their presence before they attack?”

“No sir.” She looks miserable. “Sorry sir.”

“Learn to keep your nerves under control. It would be a waste of excellent skills if your fear got the better of you.”

“Sir?” she squeaks, her blush spreading across her face.

“You’re quick, and creative," Levi says calmly. "But you still need to think higher. Imagine an eighteen-meter class, you wouldn’t come up to its shoulder. Got that?”

“Yessir.”

He jerks his chin. “Now fuck off.”

“Sir!”

She scarpers. He looks up. The recruits are all watching him, and the second he raises his head all fucking forty-seven of them jump into a salute.

“Don’t you have anything fucking better to do?” Levi says.

They quickly disperse again. 

“Ah, Levi! Good to see you on the grounds.” 

Levi turns. Ness is standing behind him, smiling benignly. “You’re a source of inspiration to them, you know.”

“More like a source of terror," Levi says.

“They don’t want to appear as fools to you, that’s all,” Ness says mildly.

“They’ve failed spectacularly in that regard, then.”

Ness clucks his tongue. “They’re honestly not that bad. We all started as recruits – well,” he adds, with an amused smile, “most of us did. And they’re just excited to have you talk to them. They all saw you outside the walls, you know. You’re an example to them.”

“If they want examples, it’s Erwin they should look at it,” Levi says irritably.

Ness shrugs. “Maybe you’re right. Some of them already tried that reverse grip you use, only to nearly shear their own thumbs off. It’s - ” And he stops and stiffens, then throws a salute, eyes on something behind Levi’s shoulder.

“Erwin,” Levi says, without looking back. There’s only one person in the Corps who can cause that immediate display of respect.

“Levi,” Erwin says. “How are they doing?”

Levi braces himself, then turns.

Just looking at Erwin is enough to bring back the memories, and for a few moments he has to fight down images of Erwin’s arched back, Erwin writing in his bed, Erwin panting and holding onto Levi’s neck like he’s drowning and moaning and shivering at Levi’s touch -

It’s made the last few days pretty fucking awkward, not in the least because Erwin acts like nothing happened at all.

Levi forces it back, then says, calm enough, “There’s at least one good one amongst them.”

“Good to know,” Erwin says, looking at Levi – or rather, slightly to the left of him. “Carry on,” he adds absently to Ness, who drops the salute and goes back to the recruits.

“How’s the budget going?” Levi asks.

“Oh, I’ve shuffled a few things around.” He turns and walks off. Levi falls into step beside him. “It’s tight, though. I’ve asked for more funds, but in the current situation…”

“Tight-assed bastards, the brass.”

Erwin smiles, but he’s still not looking Levi in the eyes. “There’s only so much money to go around, in the end.”

They round a corner, giving them relative privacy. Levi seizes the opportunity and grabs Erwin’s wrist, and just that, that fucking touch alone...

Levi breathes in. “Look, about the other night…”

Erwin carefully extracts his wrist from Levi’s fingers. “It’s fine, Levi.”

“I wanted to – ”

“It’s _fine_ ,” Erwin says, suddenly sharp.

Levi raises his eyebrows. “It doesn’t sound like it.”

Erwin takes a step back, shaking his head.

“Erwin. Seriously,” Levi says. “I thought we were finished with - _Erwin_.”

But he’s already walking off.

Does the man _ever_ make any fucking sense?

***

He lies awake, that night. Which is something new. He’s always had bad nights but he’s never had trouble falling asleep before, never wasted time on brooding or worrying. But now...

It’s not just about the sex he isn’t getting – although the sex had been fucking fantastic and being denied that kind of stings. But far more annoying is the idea that there’s something going on with Erwin that he can’t even begin to grasp.

Of course, Erwin has always been pretty unreadable, and it never really bothered him before. Mostly because he knew that on the important things, he did understand Erwin. More than that, they always seemed to think in the same way.

And now, there’s nothing about this he can make any sense of. 

He sighs and gives in, gets up from bed and finds his clothes. The open sky, fresh air… It might help. Staying inside his room is doing nothing but giving him a bad case of claustrophobia.

He goes to the hallway and softly closes the door behind him. The torches on the wall are wavering, the dancing flames casting flickering shadows on the walls. Combined with the deathly silence it’s enough to make Levi’s instincts wake up. It’s pointless; they’re only shadows, and it’s not like anyone would actually be stupid enough to break in and –

He tilts his head. Shadows, sure, but those at the far end of the hallway are far bigger than the other ones. Levi holds his breath, listens...

There’s a gasp, a quiet thud, and a hushed _quiet, or they’ll get us_.

Levi lowers his hand to the knife in his boot and creeps closer. Assassins? Thieves? Not the regular kind, no one would be insane enough to risk messing with the Survey Corps, no matter what the price. Maybe it's political, another attempt to -

There’s a giggle.

Levi pauses, then takes a small step forwards so he can see. There’s a shape, not in military uniform, leaning against the wall – no, leaning against someone else who’s pressed against the wall. The light catches on blond hair.

Mette.

He smirks and puts his knife back. So that’s her _someone_. Civilians aren’t allowed inside the HQ, not even significant others. Which explains the sneaking around.

It’s amusing, though. Mette has always been one of the more upstanding members of the Corps, a little more relaxed about the rules then Erwin, but only just. Until now. Or maybe even before, fuck knows how long she’s been sneaking her lover inside like this.

He clears his throat and says, “Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

Mette’s partner jumps up with a muffled yelp; Mette curses and whirls on him. “ _Levi_ ,” she hisses. “For fuck’s sake, you dick, you scared her.”

“Breaking the rules?” He gives her an amused look, then turns to Mette’s partner. Dark hair, dark eyes, more or less unremarkable. She’s eyeing him with – not exactly suspicion, but wariness, as if she’s readying herself to either run or attack.

“Rule, singular, and it’s a stupid one anyway. Now will you keep quiet?” She gives the other woman a slight push. “Go to my room, darling, before anyone catches you.”

“Is…”

“It’s fine, Levi’s a friend.” She shoots him a warning look, then kisses the woman quickly on her lips and pushes her off. She disappears quietly down the hallway.

Levi raises his eyebrow at her.

“Oh, don’t give me that,” Mette says. “No one minds.”

“Does Erwin know?”

“He pretends not to notice.” She smiles. “He was still outside, earlier, and I’m sure he saw us but he just very obviously turned his back.”

“He’s still outside at this hour?” Levi asks, surprised.

She shrugs. “Brooding, I guess. I thought I told you to – ”

“I thought I _had_.” Levi frowns. “But he’s being weird.”

“That’s Erwin.” She gives him a wry smile. “His mind works in mysterious ways.”

“You’re sure he’s not just fucking brain-damaged?” Levi says, exasperated. “Because he’s not making any sense at all.”

Her smile fades. “Did you try asking him?”

“Of course I…” Levi stops.

“Look, I’m speaking from experience,” Mette says. “Don’t try to guess what he’s thinking, or what he wants. It’s bound to fail. Just flat-out ask him.”

“He’ll just ignore it.”

“Try, Levi. There’s not much else you can do. ” She throws a look over Levi’s shoulder. “Now, if you don’t mind, there’s only a few hours left til sunset and I intend to put them to use.”

Levi scrunches his nose. “I don’t need the details.”

“Good, because I wasn’t intending to give you any.” She smiles again. “Thanks, Levi. And good luck with Erwin. Remember, beneath that hard-ass exterior there’s – well, more hard-ass, but he’s not really as unemotional as he tries to appear.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

She runs down the hallway to her room. Levi keeps watching for a few moments, then shakes it off. He goes quickly back to his own room, delves into his chest of drawers – just in case – then goes to Erwin’s bedroom.

He runs his fingertips over the footboard of the bed and looks around. Still the same blank austerity he remembers from when still used to sleep here. No clues as to what’s going on in Erwin’s head.

He wanders over to the window and leans against the stone to look out. No one out at this hour, apart from the night watch. No Erwin to be seen either, so he’s probably on his way up already. Good; Levi hates lurking in other people’s rooms.

It’s the middle of the night. What could be bothering him so badly that he can’t even get some sleep?

The door creaks open. Levi looks over his shoulder. Erwin has paused in the doorway, hand on the doorknob.

“I’m sure this door was locked,” Erwin says.

Levi shrugs. “It was. Are you coming in or are you just going to stand there?”

Erwin closes the door, back to Levi and hands leaning on the wood, as if he’s trying to gather strength. But when he turns, he looks perfectly composed.

“So,” Erwin says calmly. “What was it you wanted?”

“Sex.” Levi tilts his head. “I thought that was pretty obvious.”

Erwin blushes. It’s subtle, a faint reddish tinge high at his cheekbones that you probably wouldn’t notice if you weren’t looking for it.

Levi _is_ looking.

“I didn’t…” Erwin starts, uneasily. “I thought you said you weren’t interested in a relationship.”

“Not interested in a one-off, either.” Levi takes a step forward, stops. “If you want me to go, I’ll leave,” he adds, because… Well, it’s one thing to welcome someone into your own bedroom, but a whole other to lie in wait in someone else’s room to pounce on them as soon as they come in.

Levi doesn’t force himself on people.

“No. No, I don’t want you to leave.” Erwin shifts unto his other foot, as if he’s unsure what to do. Who’d have thought Commander Perfect was _shy_?

“Good.” Levi gets the bottle he scrounged from his chest of drawers and carefully puts it on the bedside table.

“What’s this?” Erwin asks, puzzled.

“A suggestion.”

“What for?”

Levi takes a moment, but – no, there’s no other way to explain this. “Don’t tell me I’m your first?” he says, incredulously.

“My first what?”

“Man. To fuck.”

“I’m…” Erwin looks down, clearly uncomfortable. “I haven’t really – I mean, there, there were a few times, not often, and those weren’t… Not this.”

“Well,” Levi drawls. “Finally I’ve got the advantage.”

“You had the advantage before as well,” Erwin points out. “I had to wear my collar up for two days because of the bruises you’d left.”

“But you didn’t mind.”

“No. I didn’t mind.” And it’s as if something breaks, because suddenly Erwin strides forwards and grabs Levi’s face and pulls him in for a kiss. Levi grins, then buries his fingers in Erwin’s short hair and bites down lightly at his lip.

But it’s clumsy with the height difference, so Levi impatiently turns them around and pushes Erwin down on the bed. He goes easily, without hesitation, holding out his hands in invitation.

“For someone who’s never done this before,” Levi says, straddling Erwin’s hips, “you’re not that bad”. He catches Erwin’s arms and pins them lightly to the bed.

“I doubt anyone could have prepared me for you." He pulls away from Levi’s grip - Levi lets him - and runs his hands over Levi’s thighs. “You are something else.”

“You knew that from the start.” Levi pulls his shirt off, then goes down, elbows leaning on either side of Erwin’s head, legs still straddling his hips. The muscle of his thigh gives a protesting twinge at the awkward position, but for the moment he ignores it.

“I did.” He takes Levi’s neck and pulls him close for a slow kiss, the other hand stroking his back.

It’s different than before. Last time had been… confused, rushed, all urgency and aggression, something that barely felt real. 

It feels real now. Real, and something they can’t go back from. Not that he has any doubts about this.

Erwin wraps one arm around Levi’s waist and pushes at Levi’s shoulder. Levi takes the hint and lets Erwin roll them over, so he’s the one on his back. For a brief moment it’s uncomfortable, unnerving, being loomed over by Erwin’s bulk, but he fights it back.

“How…” Erwin starts, uncertainly. “How do we do this? How do you want to…”

Levi rolls his eyes and yanks Erwin down to close his teeth over Erwin’s collarbone. He makes a surprised sound, then seems to melt in Levi’s arms. Levi runs his tongue over the mark, feels Erwin shiver. He isn’t doing much in return, just lying there leaning on his elbows, head bent, like he’s too overwhelmed to react.

Levi pushes Erwin’s jacket off, then pulls his shirt over his head – at least this time he isn’t wearing his fucking harness. Levi pulls him back down by the neck and Erwin _mmphs_ in surprise, but he catches on quickly enough. He shifts his weight and puts his hand on Levi’s throat, then strokes down. There’s a subtle tremble in his fingers and he doesn’t seem to know where to touch.

Levi works his hand between them and pulls at Erwin’s pants, gets them down, but it’s awkward and they’re still both wearing their boots and – no, this isn’t going to work. Might as well do it properly.

Levi pushes Erwin off. Erwin blinks, disoriented. “Wh- ”

“Get undressed,” Levi says.

Erwin rolls off the bed. He’s hurried, almost clumsy, kicking off one boot while he’s still tearing at the straps of his other, his pants almost getting tangled around his knees. Levi is a little quicker about it, but he has a lot of experience with this sort of thing.

How long has it been for Erwin? Or maybe he’s even… He said this wasn’t his first time, but would he lie about something like that?

Erwin finally gets his pants off and drops back on top of Levi, knocking the breath out of him. He kisses Levi hungrily, hands grabbing at Levi’s shoulder and chest and down –

Levi grabs Erwin’s hair and pulls him off. “Take it easy, will you?” he gasps.

“Sorry,” Erwin murmurs. He leans his forehead against the pillow for a second, then carefully kisses Levi’s neck. Levi throw his head back and rakes his nails down over Erwin’s back. Erwin groans in response, arching up, and that’s, this whole thing, the fact that he reacts openly, without bothering to disguise anything – _Erwin_ who never just shows what he feels. All because of this, because of him.

Levi reaches out blindly and taps around until he finds the bottle, then unscrews the cap one-handed and coats his fingers. Some of the oil spills onto the sheets and memories bob up, of Farlan and him fighting over if they really had to wash the sheets _every_ other night, of cursing at each other when they’d run out, and that one night Farlan accidentally knocked the bottle over and soaked the entire bed in oil and –

Erwin kisses him hard, bringing him very effectively back to the present, then leans his forehead against Levi’s. “Are you…” he mutters.

“Yes.” And he reaches up between Erwin’s legs.

Erwin’s breath hitches, but he doesn’t protest. Nor does he seem surprised, really. Maybe he isn’t quite as naïve as Levi was starting to suspect.

Levi slowly works his fingers in deeper and yanks Erwin’s hair, angling his head so he can watch Erwin’s face. He has to crane his neck to keep Erwin in sight, and his shoulder is starting to hurt with the awkwardness of the angle – fucking height difference. But it’s worth it, to see Erwin react to everything Levi does. His eyes are squeezed shut and he’s shaking, twitching practically every time Levi moves his fingers. He bites his lip when Levi presses in deeper, then out-loud _moans_ when he works in another…

Levi pulls his hand back, wipes it on the closest thing he can find – Erwin’s shirt, as it happens. Then he pushes against Erwin’s shoulder and they roll over.

Erwin’s legs fall open without needing any prompting. He’s leaning up on his elbows, watching Levi intently with a strange expression, somewhere between trepidation and excitement.

Levi runs his hand lightly over Erwin’s inner thigh. Goosebumps rise on flesh and he shivers again. “Levi…” Erwin mumbles.

Levi looks up. “You okay with this?”

Erwin nods. His teeth are sunk into his lip and he’s holding onto the pillow so tightly his knuckles have gone white.

Levi leans over him, one hand flat next to Erwin’s chest and the other still on Erwin’s thigh, bending him double. Erwin is flexible enough, for a man of his size; Levi has seen him fight and train often enough to be aware of Erwin’s physical capabilities.

Erwin grabs hold of Levi’s upper arms. He’s still watching Levi, eyes dark, but they snap closed the second Levi starts pushing in.

It’s been too long, he’d forgotten how good this can feel. And Erwin is – he’s frowning, lips thin, fingers dug deep into Levi’s biceps. First times are never easy. Levi forces himself to go slow, shallow thrusts, but there’s something feral inside him, snarling for more, and Erwin’s face…

He forgets about care and gives in to what he wants, fucking Erwin hard and deep. Erwin throws his arm up, grabbing hold of the headboard and rocking along with each thrust, grunting, face twisted. Pain – maybe, and that’s –

“Are you – ” Levi manages.

“Yes,” Erwin hisses. “Don’t – don’t stop.”

Levi laughs, breathlessly, then grabs Erwin’s shoulder for leverage and thrusts in deep. Erwin groans, loud and long and utterly filthy, and _fuck_ , who’d have thought the brave and noble commander could make noises like that?

He leans on the back of Erwin’s thighs, practically jackknifing him. It’s not – it must be uncomfortable, but Erwin’s face is more pleasure than pain and Levi has gone beyond reason. Erwin crosses his ankles behind Levi’s back, as if he’s trying to pull him even closer, rocking along with each movement, his mouth wet and open, eyes squeezed shut…

Levi grunts when he comes – too soon, nowhere near long enough to get Erwin off, and he probably should be more sorry about that than he is, but there’s still time.

They’ve got all fucking night.

He pulls out and rolls off, breathing hard. Slowly the world comes back into focus, his heartbeat slowing down. He glances down at this crotch and scrunches his nose in disgust.

“Here.”

Levi blinks – Erwin’s shirt, already soiled, held out in front of him. He grabs it and cleans himself off, then throws it to the foot-end of the bed.

Erwin just keeps lying next to him, eyeing him but staying quiet, like last time, as if what happened stunned him out of his ability to move.

“Can you wait?” Levi asks, once he’s got his breath back.

Erwin blinks. “I – if I have to.” He sits up, slowly, and leans back against the headboard. “Why?”

“Give me a while to recover and I’ll show you what the other side is like.” Levi turns his head. Erwin’s eyes are wide, cheeks flushed. “Or I could finish you now, if you want.”

“No.” Erwin licks his lips. “I’ll wait.”

“The virtues of patience. Didn’t that show up in one of your speeches?”

“Probably. Will you…?” he adds, and holds out a hand. Levi scoots back a little until he’s leaning back against Erwin’s chest and he’s got Erwin’s arm around his shoulders.

He can feel Erwin’s heartbeat beneath him, a quick rap slowly calming down.

“Do we need to talk about this?” Erwin asks, after a while.

“Do we?”

“I don’t…  I’ve misunderstood you often enough by now to consider it.”

Levi gives him a sideways look. “What do you mean, _misunderstood_?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Let me be the fucking judge of that, will you?” Levi says irritably.

Erwin stays silent, then says, “I thought it was just – just another one of your ways to get under my skin. Another weapon.”

“It was. I think. Partly.”

“But not entirely?”

Levi clucks his tongue. “Obviously not. Keep up, Erwin. Why do you think I’d be here otherwise?”

“I don’t know. I…  I assumed you wouldn’t be interested in anything more than just one night. That you’d be angry about it.”

Levi pushes up to look at Erwin. “ _Why_?” he asks, honestly surprised.

“Because you…” Erwin sighs, runs his hand over his face. “I don’t know, Levi. I can’t follow the way your mind works. I don’t know what you’ve been through, what you’ve seen…” Levi stiffens, instinctively, and Erwin hurries to add, “And I don’t _need_ to know. But it does make it hard for me to – to predict you.”

“You’ve managed alright for the last two years.”

“In battle, yes. Outside?” Erwin glances at him. “I still don’t know what will set you off, when you’ll obey without protesting and when you need more. I don’t. And here? With – this?” He waves his hand at a rumpled sheets in a way Levi takes to mean _sex_. “I’m not exactly an expert here.”

“So that was why you turned me down?” Levi asks. “Because you thought I’d use it against you?”

“Yes. Well, partly.”

“And the other part?”

He stays silent long enough that Levi is convinced he isn’t getting a reply. But then he says, “I didn’t trust myself.”

Whatever that’s supposed to mean.

Levi sits back again and stares at the night air visible through Erwin’s window. “Does it bother you?” he asks. “That you can’t predict me, I mean.”

“Not as much as it used to. I know I can rely on you when it matters.”

“Do you?”

Erwin squeezes his arm. “Yes.”

Levi slides down a little, Erwin’s chest warm and solid behind him. Fuck, he has missed this. Not just the sex, but the closeness. It’s comforting in a way he’d forgotten about.

“Mette will be happy,” Levi mutters.

“Sorry?” Erwin asks, sounding surprised.

“She was worried about the two of us fighting, tried to get me to make up. Talked to you too, apparently – or at least tried to. Brushed her off, did you?”

Erwin stays silent. Maybe he didn’t get that it was meant as a joke, Erwin’s sense of humor gets weird sometimes.

But then Erwin clears his throat and says, awkwardly, “This wasn’t exactly easy for me, you know. I know I have a reputation of being cold, emotionless, but…”

Levi twists around so he can look at Erwin. “Don’t start self-pitying,” he says irritably. “You appear the way you want to to the men, and those that matter know what you’re really like. Who cares what anyone thinks, as long as you’ve got their loyalty?”

“Those that matter?” Erwin asks softly.

Levi looks away. It’s uncomfortable, talking about this, assuming things, and Erwin’s cold blue eyes don’t really help with that.

“It’s alright, Levi.”

Levi looks up again, then bats Erwin’s arm away and sits up to throw his leg over Erwin’s hips. Erwin raises his eyebrows, that tiny little blush making its return. “You’re…”

“Getting impatient.” He hovers over Erwin, on knees and hands, and goes down to his throat. Erwin shivers as Levi’s lips touch his skin, and then Levi bites down just beneath Erwin’s jaw and Erwin kicks his heel against the mattress and curses.

Levi pulls back and gives him an amused look. “How little experience are we talking about here, exactly?”

“Not – not enough, clearly,” Erwin says. He sounds breathless.

Levi kisses his way down Erwin’s chest, hot skin and the occasional hair and the taste of sweat against his tongue, Erwin's stomach muscles quivering beneath his hands. He forces himself to look up. “Just let me know if you don’t want something, or want to stop.”

Erwin gives a tiny nod. Levi puts one arm across Erwin’s stomach and looks down. He’s hard, a drop of precome glistening at the tip. He must be dying for some touch.

Levi licks his lips, opens wide and slides down and takes Erwin’s cock as deep as he can.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Erwin groans, grabbing hold of Levi’s hair and arching up helplessly from the mattress.

Levi pulls off with one quick flick of his tongue, then sits up and wipes his mouth. Erwin stares at him, looking almost reproachful.

“Relax,” Levi says, amused. “I have a plan. Give me the bottle.”

“Do you want me to…” Erwin asks as he hands it over. His fingers are trembling.

“No, you’d probably just mess it up, you virgin.”

“I’m not – ”

“Just lie back and shut up.”

Erwin grins and folds his hands behind his head, and for a second Levi’s hand falters, because seeing Erwin like this, that’s…

He shakes himself and gets back to business. It’s an easy, well-remembered move, the way he reaches behind him to work himself open and pliable, done so often in the past. The situation was usually less pleasant than this, though. And Erwin, the way he looks at Levi with his grin slowly fading and his blue eyes dark with lust, that’s something he hasn’t had before either.

He pulls his hand back and wipes it on Erwin’s shirt, which is still conveniently within reach. “Done,” he says. “Now fuck me.”

Erwin swallows. “I don’t want to – ”

“What, you want to back out _now_?” Levi asks, then smirks at the speed with which Erwin shakes his head. “What the fuck are you waiting for, then?”

“You,” Erwin says, simply.

Levi’s smile disappears. It’s not something he’s used to, being watched like this. This closely, this carefully – sure, Farlan was never cruel, but he almost always assumed Levi knew what he was doing, that he was in charge.

Erwin looks at him as if he’s readying himself to catch Levi should he fall.

He shakes the thoughts off and grabs Erwin’s cock again – rock-hard and precome spreading over Levi’s fingers, poor guy must be dying for it – and then he goes down.

He has to bite his tongue to keep from making noise. Even though he’s on top, in control, and Erwin is doing a commendable job of keeping still and not rushing, it’s still been too long for this to be entirely comfortable.

It makes him feel a bit more sympathy for Erwin earlier, as well. Guy must have been in more pain than he’d thought at the time, and still he hadn’t protested. Fucking masochist.

Levi sinks down as deep as he can go, then pauses, breathing hard, hands leaning on Erwin’s chest. Erwin has taken Levi’s hips, but his fingers are trembling and he still isn’t pushing up.

“Yeah?” Levi asks. It comes out choked, tight, and normally he’d mind coming across as vulnerable but not now, not with the way Erwin is shaking and his knuckles have gone white with how hard he’s holding onto Levi, like he’s afraid of what’ll happen if he lets go.

Erwin nods. Levi moves, then has to stop again as it starts to be too much and Erwin’s grip on his hips feels like it’s going to break the bone. Knowing Erwin’s strength, that isn’t an entirely impossible option.

“You need to – ” Levi starts, struggling for words. “- to …” He pulls at Erwin’s wrist.

“Sorry,” he says, grip relaxing, and he’s sounding just as choked as Levi. Commander Erwin, Commander _Erwin fucking Smith_ lying there beneath Levi looking like _that_. It’s absurd.

He rocks his hips. Erwin groans, then takes one hand away, to –

“Fucking _bastard_ ,” Levi hisses as Erwin fists his cock - which, yeah, is hard again, even though it’s been what, only a few minutes?

“I’m – I’m not going to last one fucking minute,” Erwin gasps.

Levi closes his eyes and rocks his hips again, falling into a rhythm, quick and hard. Erwin is pushing up and his hand is still moving, clumsy, uncoordinated, slightly too tight.

It’s perfect.

Erwin’s breath hitches and he makes a choked sound, his back arching off the mattress. Levi digs his nails into Erwin’s chest and watches him buck beneath him – he wants to see him _hurt_ , wants that expression where he just loses it all to be on his face forever, wants to feel Erwin’s body beneath his for all fucking eternity and above all, he wants Erwin to know that it’s _him_ doing this, so he bends down and smashes his mouth into Erwin’s, clumsy and violent. There’s blood in his mouth but Erwin’s hand is on his neck again and then it’s nothing but the feel of skin and hands and sweat and Erwin’s mouth against his.

Levi comes not that long after, with Erwin still twitching through the aftershocks.

Erwin slowly pulls his hand back. It’s still shaking.

Levi lifts his hips, letting Erwin’s flaccid cock slip from him. Erwin mumbles something, too vague to make it out, so Levi ignores it and lies down next to him. He’s exhausted, suddenly. All for a bit of quick sex, when he can fight for hours without breaking a sweat. It’s ridiculous.

“You’re…” Erwin mutters.

“You alright?”

“Yes. You?”

Levi huffs in reply. He leans up onto his elbow to look down at Erwin. “So, to be clear.”

“Yes?” Erwin asks, eyes closed, smiling.

“I don’t want this to be a one-time kind of thing. You don’t, either, right?”

Erwin shakes his head. “You’re right. I want - I want this.” He strokes Levi’s shoulder. “I want you.”

Levi clucks his tongue and drops back. “No need to get sentimental.”

“Sorry.” Erwin clear his throat. “So we’re on the same page here?”

“Apparently.” Levi rolls onto his side, his back to Erwin, not touching. “Don’t try and cuddle or anything, alright?”

“Sure,” Erwin says, laughter in his voice. “But… Shouldn’t you go back to your room? If you…”

“I will.” Levi closes his eyes. “Before dawn. Just not now.”

“Alright.”

The mattress dips and the sheets get pulled from his shoulder. Levi yanks them back. “You better not snore.”

“I have honestly no idea.” Erwin yawns. “Sorry in advance if I do. Is… Is this alright?” He puts his hand on Levi’s hip. It’s a heavy, warm weight, but it’s – localized, easy to process.

Levi grits his teeth, then breathes out. “If you insist.”

“I won’t if you – ”

“Just go the fuck to sleep, Erwin.”

“‘Kay. Night.”

Levi wraps the sheets closer around his body.

It’s weird, having someone to sleep with again after all this time. He’d forgotten about it, the tiny noises, the breathing, the way even the smallest of movements can pull him back from slumber into full alertness. But Levi _is_ fucking tired, exhausted enough to let all the emotional stuff take a backseat to getting some fucking rest.

“Levi?”

“What?” he mumbles.

Silence. And then, “Thank you.”

“For?”

No reply.

So Levi rolls himself into a ball and lets himself be lulled to sleep by the sound of Erwin’s deep breathing.


	6. never let anyone see your weak points

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big warning for PTSD and trauma in this one, as well as reference to rape, and explicit bondage-y sex and general D/s dynamics

One advantage of the fall of Maria is that they finally have pretty much the ideal battlefield to fight on. Outside, you’re lucky if you can lure Titans to a forest, or some old ruins, but here? The abandoned city is full of potential hiding places, grapple points, traps. The Titans don’t stand a fucking chance.

Levi calmly crosses a roof, eyes on the Titan in front of him. It’s one of the last ones – Levi’s hands and face are already tingling with that strange aftermath feeling of being sprayed with a large amount of evaporating Titan blood – and it’s tempting to lose his focus, to rush in and finish the job without planning and considering first.

Well, it would be tempting for other people. For him, it’s barely more than a passing thought.

The Titan reaches for him. He lets its arm come close, then at the last possible moment he shoots and drops off the roof. The heavy weight of the arm coming down on his line propels him upwards. He detaches his hook and shoots again, spins in the air, and _there_.

It’s a quick kill, straight through the neck at the first attempt. The Titan topples down, but its arm swings up in its death throes and Levi only just manages to adjust his flight to avoid it. He heads for the nearest building in a neat arch –

\- and, with a sickening lurch, his flight is broken. He grapples onto another wall, manages to swing to safety, but where he usually cuts through the air like a knife through butter, now his flight is clumsy, wavering, and a sharp pain is slicing at his chest and leg. Is he wounded? But –

No. Not him, but his _harness_ is sliced through.

Levi pulls up, gritting his teeth against the pain of the remaining straps cutting deeper. Usually his weight is so carefully distributed bruises only show up when he’s flying at extreme speed, but now, with all his weight held by only half of the harness, even the sedate jump felt like it was going to break his ribcage.

Shit.

There’s a scream. He looks up just in time to see Lucia caught in a Titan’s hands, trashing wildly but unable to free herself.

Levi forces himself to his feet and shoots off the roof. The propulsion knocks the breath out of him and he stumbles, rolling in the air, desperately trying to keep his balance even through the pain of the broken harness. But another strap snaps, and he messes up his trajectory and slams hard into the side of a building, skidding down onto another roof.

He pushes up onto his hands, out of breath and half-blind with pain. Lucia has managed to work one arm free, and she raises her blade -

\- and the Titan twists its hands and _tears_.

Levi stares. He’s too far away to see the details, just the spray of blood, some part of her falling to the ground, the other disappearing into the Titan’s maws.

Then there’s a roar of rage and Rani and Meryl come flying at the Titan.

Rani heads for its shoulder and Meryl dives underneath, trying to swing up to his neck. The Titan swats at them and Rani almost gets crushed. Meryl tries to jump away as well but she’s too late, and the Titan plucks her straight from the air...

_No_.

Levi takes off. The pain immediately goes from _annoying_ to _blinding_ , the thick straps almost cutting through his side and thigh, but he adjusts his balance, blinks, trying to see through the red haze – there, the thing’s mouth, Meryl screaming, and he rolls through the air, breathless with pain, and swings his blades.

The thing freezes and topples over. Meryl flies to safety. Levi manages to break his fall, but only just. He lands on his knees and scrabbles up, panting, fingers struggling with the remaining straps. The jump made them tighten even further, and they seem to have dug themselves into his skin, impossible to loosen. Blood is seeping out at the edges, and his fingers are shaking.

“Corporal Levi!” Rani yells. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” he says quickly. He gets up – pain slices through him again, he hides it beneath his cloak – and nods at Meryl. “How’s she?”

“She’s good, sir, a little banged up but alright. Are you sure you’re – ”

“I’m _fine_ ,” he says, again.

“I - okay. That was the last one, sir.” She looks over her shoulder. “Should we…”

“Lucia’s remains?” he asks, voice steady. “Yeah, it’s safe enough now.”

She nods, pale and shaken but still in control. Come a long way since her first Titan and the way she clung to him in total hysterics;

Levi goes to his horse, careful not to limp, and somehow manages to get onto the saddle without fainting from the pain. Even so, his vision goes blurry for a moment.

Meryl shoots off a green flare. They trot off, down the abandoned rubble-strewn streets, until they see the blood-and-entrails mess that used to be their squadmate. Rani’s fingers go tight around her reins and Meryl wipes at her eyes, but beyond that there’s not much reaction.

They’ve all seen too many dead comrades to spend much time on grief in battle.

The sound of hooves announces the rest of his squad arriving. "Lucia?" Nanaba asks, softly.

Levi shakes his head. 

Gunter curses quietly, and Eld silently takes a body bag from his saddle bag and gets down from his horse to help out Rani and Meryl.

“All done here?”

Levi turns. Mette has shown up as well, blood spattered across her face and not a trace left of her usual kind cheerfulness. Her own version of Erwin’s commander mask. She’s almost as good at it as he is.

“We’re - ” Levi starts, then has to stop when a slight movement of his horse makes one of the straps chafe against a particularly painful cut.

_Shit_ , this hurts.

“We’re good here,” he says, voice a little steadier this time. “Just give us a moment.” He nods at the body bag.

“Sure.” She shoots off two green flares, then puts her gun away and gives him a sharp look. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” He draws his cloak a little closer around him, hiding his ruined harness. There’s not much he can do about the blood on his leg, but then again, everyone here is splattered in blood. 

“Don’t take too long.” She turns her horse. “Erwin’ll have my hide if I don’t bring us back by dusk.”

“It’s only an hour’s ride to the Wall. We’ll make it.”

She rides off, and Rani and Eld heave the body bag over the back of a horse. Levi watches, breathing shallowly through the pain. He’s almost grateful for it. It’s a distraction.

Another one. Out of his original squad, only Eld is left now.  

Not his fault. Not his death.

“Come on,” he says, turning his horse. “Let’s go back.”

***

The ride back is hell. The terrain isn't exactly smooth and each shock sends fresh pain down his side, and when they finally reach HQ and Levi gets down from his horse, he almost faints.  His leg buckles the second he puts weight on it and he has to hold on to his saddle to stop himself collapsing, and _fuck_ , it hurts.

No one notices. He breathes in deep, steadies himself, and forces the pain down again.

He can’t hide his slight limp as he makes his way to his room, but the others are too busy to pay much attention to him, thank fuck. The stairs are an agony that drags on for far too long, and he can feel the wetness of blood still leaking into his uniform, his skin – fucking disgusting.

Once he’s inside his room and the door is locked safely behind him, he collapses onto his knees, breath rasping. His fingers are clumsy on the straps, but they’re still too tight; he can’t even work the point of his knife beneath them without cutting himself even further.

They have a medical officer, but that would mean showing this to everyone, and he, he doesn’t…

Someone knocks. “Fuck off,” Levi snaps.

“Open up.”

Erwin. “I said _fuck off_.”

A moment of silence, and then a key creaks in the lock.

Levi bows his head. Of course Erwin would have a backup key. The sly bastard never leaves anything to chance.

“Levi.” Erwin immediately closes the door behind him. “What happened?”

“Harness broke. It’s fine, it isn’t – ”

“Show me.”

Levi glares up at Erwin, then throws his cloak back.

Erwin makes a quiet sound. Levi looks down at himself, and realizes why.

All across his left side, the straps of the harness are lined with blood seeping through the fabric of his uniform, and they’re dug in so deep they make him look like a trussed-up chicken.

“Can’t get them to open,” he says, neutrally.

Erwin goes down on his knee next to Levi and runs his finger over the buckle at his side. “This will hurt.”

“I know. Hurry up.”

Erwin gives him a quick gauging look, then digs his fingers beneath the clasp. For a second the pain is so bad spots of bright light start erupting across his vision, but then the pressure falls away and he can breathe again. Erwin works the clasps on Levi’s leg open as well, then helps him out of the remains of the harness.

Levi looks down at his stained clothes and clucks his tongue. “Ruined.”

“Take them off.” Erwin gets up again.

Levi strips, awkward with the pain, then sits down on the floor, head leaning back against the footboard of the bed. Erwin goes to the small medicine kit Levi keeps in his room and finds a bottle of disinfectant. He turns back to Levi.

And freezes.

“It’s not as bad as it looks, Erwin, don’t fuss,” Levi says irritably.

It does look pretty bad, though, the reddish bruises all across his left side, the raw bloody lines torn through his skin. But they’ve both seen a _lot_ worse.

Erwin comes over and kneels down next to Levi. He pours disinfectant onto a clean rag and carefully presses the cloth down. Levi hisses through his teeth at the sting.

“You should have said something,” Erwin says, carefully cleaning up Levi’s chest.

“If they see me injured, they might lose morale.”

“And afterwards? What were you planning, staying here and dressing your own wounds, even those on your back?”

“Yes.”

Erwin shakes his head and wipes off more blood. “Meryl is telling everyone how you saved her life,” he says, eyes on the wounds.

“Hers, yes.”

“Who…”

“Lucia.”

Erwin bows his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. I am too.”

“Still, Meryl is alive because of you. Don’t forget that either.” Erwin takes a new cloth and rubs the diagonal line above Levi’s knee. Levi grunts at the pain and tips his head back against the back of the bed.

“Are you staying?” Levi asks, eyes closed.

“It wouldn’t be wise when you’re like this.” Another wipe of the stinging cloth. “You need rest, a chance to let these heal. Moving around too much isn’t a good idea.”

Levi opens his eyes again. Erwin is bent over him, eyebrows drawn in concentration, movements careful and thorough and precise.

And something inside Levi gives an insistent pull.

“I’ll just have to lie very still, then, won’t I?”

Erwin looks up sharply, fingers stilling. Levi lets him look, resisting the urge to cover himself up.

Without breaking eye contact, Erwin wipes the rag over the bloody line at the top of Levi’s thigh, close to his crotch. Levi’s breath hitches, and normally he’d beat away Erwin’s hand and do it himself, but now…

Now he keeps his hands still.

Erwin is frowning at him, taking in every reaction, blue eyes calm and unflinching. Levi has to force himself not to look away.

Erwin presses down hard on the top of Levi’s wounded thigh and Levi flinches. And he keeps still, even though he’s trembling with the effort of it.

“Are you sure?” Erwin asks.

“It’s what you want, isn’t it?”

Erwin gives him a heated look. It’s always interesting, seeing the commander’s usual icy-blue eyes light up with something other than bloodlust, and this time it’s even more pronounced than usual. “I don’t want to force you to.”

“You’re not.”

Erwin wipes off the next few wounds in silence, then gets up. “On the bed, on your back, keep your hands by your side, and don’t move.”

Levi gets up on the bed, slow and careful. Erwin takes bandages from the cupboard and comes to sit at Levi’s side.

“Is this your idea of foreplay?” Levi asks, mocking.

“Shut up.”

Levi’s chest is first, carefully wrapped in clean bandages, and then he lies back and lets Erwin take care of his upper leg. He’s being careful, but it’s still Levi’s _thigh_ and along with the pain there’s something else. Something Erwin has to be aware of, given that Levi is naked.

The bandages finished, Erwin puts his hand on the other side of Levi’s chest and leans over him. Not doing anything, not saying anything, just looking.

“Well?” Levi says impatiently. “Are you just going to sit there, or are you enjoying the sight of – ”

Erwin’s hand squeezes Levi’s upper thigh, his thumb digging in right against the worst of the bruises and cuts, and Levi abruptly closes his mouth.

“Shut up,” Erwin repeats. He still sounds calm, collected, but Levi knows him well enough by now to recognize the signs.

Levi spreads his fingers, curls them into the sheets. All joking aside, having Erwin like this is… It’s not something he’s entirely comfortable with.

Erwin touches Levi’s shoulder, hand sliding down to rest over his heart. “Just the pain?” he asks.

Levi’s heartbeat, still doing overtime. He shakes his head, and Erwin smiles. Smug bastard.

He leans down to kiss Levi, and his hand is on Levi’s side and it _is_ nice, in a way. Even though it takes a lot to keep his hands down, to just lie still – it goes against every instinct he has. But...

“We can stop,” Erwin says, softly, his breath puffing against Levi’s mouth. “If you want to.”

Levi shakes his head again.

Erwin’s hand slides over his chest, fingers dragging over the wounds. It hurts, but it’s the kind of pain Levi can bear, easily. Erwin’s other hand takes his hip, thumb gently caressing the thin skin next to the bone. Levi’s breath hitches again. His hold on the sheets tightens.

“Don’t move,” Erwin says.

He doesn’t need to be told, the pain flaring up every time he moves is warning enough. It’s still hard, though, suppressing his reflexes.

But it’s Erwin. It’s fine.

Erwin’s fingers close around his cock. Levi squeezes his eyes shut and curses. How the _fuck_ is he supposed to not react to that? Everything in him is screaming to move, roll over, take control again.

Erwin shushes him. His hands are still moving, too slow, and the fucking bastard is doing this on purpose, enjoying this, getting off on this.

Levi breathes in, slowly. He’s shaking, and somewhere along the line he has let go of the sheets and is reaching up but –

“Levi.” Erwin gently takes his wrist and tugs it down against the mattress. Levi keeps breathing, slow and controlled, on the brink of losing it.

“I’m…” he says, then falters. How the hell is he supposed to put any of this in words anyway?

“It’s alright.” Erwin twists his hand, thumb swiping over the head of Levi’s cock, and Levi groans.

“For _fuck’s sake_ , Erwin, please – ”

“It’s alright,” Erwin says again, but then he takes his hands away.

Levi almost physically attack him. It’s only his pride that keeps him down, his refusal to give in. He _can_ do this.

Erwin puts his hands on Levi’s hips, avoiding the cuts. He gives Levi a long look, as if he’s trying to see how close to breaking he is – or to try and murder Erwin. Right now, it feels pretty fucking close.

But then Erwin leans down and his mouth closes over Levi’s cock and the sheets tear beneath his fingers because fucking _finally_.

He used to be pretty shit at this, Erwin. Which is only natural when the only cock you’ve ever had to handle was your own, and anyway, he’s a quick learner. Or maybe it’s just that at this point, Levi is beyond caring and that’s what makes this feel like the best blowjob he’s ever had, but it’s – it’s intense.

He curses, fingers curling, fighting to keep from grabbing the back of Erwin’s head and pushing in deep. Erwin is making it increasingly difficult not to react, purposefully being all soft and light and teasing and he _knows_ Levi hates this, and -

He pulls off again.

“You _fucking_ \- ”

“Shut up,” Erwin says, calmly.

Levi’s mouth snaps shut.

He’s overheated, vision over-focused, every nerve on fire. Erwin’s hand is on his side, thumb slowly stroking the bottom of his ribcage, like he’d do with a restless horse. Trying to calm him down.

Levi can barely fucking _breathe_.

Erwin carefully moves his hand down Levi’s side, to his hip. He’s still watching Levi, face calm, expressionless.

_Don’t move_. He doesn’t need to say it. It’s written all over his face.

Erwin’s fingers circle the base of Levi’s rock-hard cock. Levi throws his head back, bites his lip. His nails catch in the sheets.

Don’t move. Don’t move, don’t move, don’t move don’t mo-

Erwin slides his lips back over Levi’s cock and Levi’s teeth sink deeper, he tastes blood - don’t move- and his heels scrabble against the sheets - _don’t move_ \- but he can’t keep still any fucking second longer if Erwin keeps sucking his cock like that -

And then just as he’s close Erwin digs his fingernails into the cuts at Levi’s hips and Levi comes with a yell.

He falls back, panting, shaking. Erwin sits up and wipes his mouth on his sleeve, still calm.

Levi closes his eyes. There are bright pinpricks of light erupting all across his vision, and he feels - floaty. A little like those first moments in 3D gear, that sensation of being weightless, untethered. High above everything else.

Peaceful.

Levi cracks one eye open. Erwin is staring at him with a face Levi can’t read, and he feels like – like it _should_ be uncomfortable, being weak and trembling like a baby rabbit, but somehow it isn’t.

Erwin gets a clean rag from the bedside table and carefully cleans Levi up. Levi keeps still. After all the effort he went through to keep his hands still it feels like they’re glued there, forever unmoving. No longer his own.

Erwin puts his hand on Levi’s shoulder. “Are you alright?”

Levi nods.

Erwin takes off his boots and gets on the bed. He carefully pulls Levi against his chest and puts his arm around Levi’s shoulders, hand on the back of his neck. Levi’s head moves slightly up and down with each breath Erwin takes.

“You can move your hands again, you know,” Erwin says, a hint of amusement in his voice.

“I know that.” He carefully tries lifting his hands, and – yeah, they still work. “Don’t get smug about this.”

“I wouldn’t dare.”

Levi puts his hand on Erwin’s thigh, something strangely reassuring about the feeling of hard muscle beneath his palm. In return, Erwin squeezes the back of Levi’s neck.

Levi’s eyes fall closed, the long day finally catching up with him. Fuck, he’s _exhausted_.

“Thank you,” Erwin says, after a while.

Levi mumbles something in return, too tired to bother about pronunciation.

“Go to sleep, Levi,” Erwin says softly, gently stroking Levi’s neck.

So he does.

***

Levi wakes up to the sound of snoring.

Erwin.

For a second he considers kicking him awake, but there’s already light starting to come through the window. Erwin will be up soon enough on his own; feels like a crime, and a petty one, to steal those few extra moments of peace.

Levi closes his eyes again, basking in that sense of peace he’s come to associate with sex. He reaches for the blanket to pull it closer -

\- and pain shoots down his chest and hip and leg and, oh, yeah, so that’s what happened last night.

He sits up and runs his hands over his face. What the fuck was he thinking? He doesn’t do – well, _that_. In all the months Erwin and him have been fucking, it’s sometimes Erwin who lets himself be taken, and sometimes it’s both of them tearing at each other, but Levi never fucking _ever_ just lies back.

Until now.

And he can’t even pinpoint what made him change his mind, except that it had something to do with Erwin’s blunt fingertips gently caressing scraped-off skin and the look on his face when Levi had thrown his cloak back.

It’s… He doesn’t regret it, he _doesn’t_ , but there something tense coiled inside of him, a feral animal cornered and snapping its fangs. Which is stupid. It’s _Erwin_. Levi has been following his orders for years, happily handing him the reins; why should it be different just because it’s sex instead of strategy?

It’s fine. There’s no reason for this shivering panic, this fucking urge to lash out and snap Erwin’s neck and make sure he’ll never be able to do this again, ever…

The snoring has stopped. Erwin is looking at him, hands behind his head, a little furrow between his eyebrows.

“I’m fine,” Levi snaps.

“Are you?”

He turns away from Erwin’s too-sharp eyes and looks at the window. The first noises are drifting in from outside, the sound of the HQ waking up.

Erwin touches Levi’s back, careful to avoid the wounds. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why now?” Erwin asks. “I’ve been asking this for months, but you – ”

Levi looks at him. “You didn’t ask.”

“Not in so many words, perhaps, but you knew. Didn’t you?”

Of course he did. Once you know Erwin the way Levi does, he becomes pretty transparent. But Levi always pretended not to see Erwin’s careful advances, always made sure not to give in when Erwin got dominant, to fight back. He doesn’t submit. Except, apparently, obviously, he _does_.

“Yeah, I knew.”

“So why now?”

Levi swings his legs of the bed and gets up – at least, that’s what he tries to do, but the moment he puts his weight on his leg pain shoots up the muscle. He curses and carefully sits down again.

“Hurts?” Erwin asks.

“What do you _think_?”

Erwin gets out of bed. “Let’s have a look, then.”

Levi watches as he gets the first aid kit out, then kneels in front of Levi. Erwin is careful when he peels off the bandages, and once again Levi has that strange fluttering too-tense-in-his-own-skin sensation, simply from watching Erwin’s concentrated frown and feeling the occasional brush of fingertips against bruised skin.

Fucking weird.

“Looking good,” Erwin says.

Levi looks down at the wounds. The bruises have started turning color, ominous dark blue smudges that hurt like fuck when he touches them, but the cuts are already healing. “No stitches, then?”

“No, you should be fine.” Erwin tapes down the last bandage. “Although you should really see the medical officer, just to be on the safe side.”

“I’m fine,” Levi says impatiently. “It’s just you being – ”

Someone knocks.

Levi exchanges a look with Erwin. They’ve been getting lax lately, spending more and more nights in each other’s bedrooms rather than sneaking off to their own, but it’s never caused problems so far. They’re both too respected for people to wake them up at odd hours – at least, they were up until now.

Levi pulls on his shirt and pants, limps to the door, and opens it to reveal Hange. They look over his shoulder immediately, trying to peer into his room. “What do you want?” Levi snaps.

“Looking for Erwin. Is he here?” They go on tiptoe, straining to see into his room.

Levi subtly closes the door a bit more. “Why would he be here?”

“Because you two have been fucking like rabbits for the last year or so,” Hange says casually. “Do you know where he is, then? I need to – ”

“ _What_?”

Hange blinks. “If you didn’t want anyone to know, you really should’ve been a bit more subtle, you know.”

“Who else knows?” Levi asks, throat suddenly dry.

“Hm? Oh, just me, Mike, Mette…”

He yanks Hange inside and closes the door behind them. Erwin thankfully had the sense to get dressed, although he still looks a little stunned at Hange’s sudden entrance.

“Oh, there you are!” Hange says cheerfully. “Sorry to bother you this early, but my request for a new shipping of metal – you know, for the new kit? – it bounced. I need you to sign this.” They wave a piece of paper.

“And it couldn’t wait?” Erwin says, ice in his voice.

Anyone else would have withered at that tone, but Hange stays happily oblivious. “If I get it done now I can get to the blacksmith before he leaves the district, otherwise I’ll need to wait at least a week before he’s back. And you’re always up at the crack of dawn anyway, so I thought…”

Erwin holds out his hand. “Give it here.”

They hand over the papers and fold their hands behind their back, bouncing slightly. Levi glares at them. Hange continues smiling.

“Your shirt is buttoned wrong,” Hange says after a moment.

Levi scowls and starts unbuttoning his shirt. “Keep your mouth shut about this.”

“What, your buttons?” Hange asks innocently.

“ _Hange_.”

They raise their hands. “I know, I know. No one minds, you know.”

“No one here, perhaps,” Erwin says. He is still bent over Hange’s documents, flipping through them with a frown. “If the brass ever finds out, they’ll use it as an excuse to throw both me and Levi out the moment I do something they don’t like.”

“Oh.” Hange’s face falls. “I… I hadn’t thought of that.”

“No.” Erwin scribbles down his twirly signature and straightens up. “Which is why I’m telling you now. Can I rely on your discretion?”

“Of course!” Hange takes the signed papers. “And everyone else’s too. We’ve got your back, Erwin, you know that.” They look at Levi, and the corners of their mouth go up in a suppressed smile. “Although, um, maybe not quite as thoroughly as Levi has.”

Erwin sighs and covers his eyes with his hand. “Hange…”

“Sorry, sorry. I’ll be in town if you need me, Commander, Corporal.” They throw a salute and go to the door. Levi holds it open for them, still glaring.

But _still_ they don’t leave. They pause in the doorway, give Levi a thoughtful look, then say, “If you really want to keep this under wraps, you should learn to keep quiet. Mike said he could hear you scream all the way to his room.”

“You - ” Levi starts, heated.

“Bye!” And then they bounce out, with Levi quietly fuming but unable to take it out on them. The bastard.

The door falls closed. The room is quiet again.

Levi turns to Erwin. “You never mentioned that to me.”

“I didn’t think I had to.” Erwin leans back against the wall. “You know we’re being watched.”

“Not this much. You really think they’d use something like this against you?”

Erwin shrugs. “They’d use everything they can get against me. Although…” He smiles. “I think the chances of you being thrown out are low. You’re not really an object of controversy anymore, you know. You might not be generally liked, but no one doubts your necessity.”

“Then why are you worried?” Levi asks. “If they can’t afford to lose me…”

“They can afford to lose me. At least, that’s what they think.”

Levi raises an eyebrow. “And they think I’d serve under anyone else?”

Erwin loses his slight mocking smile. His eyes stray to the bed – and yeah, obviously, Levi _serves_ under Erwin in more ways than one these days. “I suppose they think you would just follow whoever they put in charge.”

Levi gets his jacket, wincing as the movement makes the bandages chafe against the wounds. “They should know fucking better.”

“Should they?” Erwin says, musing. “They don’t know anything about you, other than what they learn from the reports, and those have been overwhelmingly positive for years now. No reason for them to think you’re any different than any other soldier, for them to know about your – your individualist streak.”

Levi huffs. “They’ll find out about my _individualist streak_ soon enough if they ever think of replacing you.”

“I appreciate your loyalty.”

Levi gives him a quick, dark look. It could be fully earnest, just as much as it could be dry sarcasm. Even so, it makes him uncomfortable, this talk of _loyalty_ and _serving_.

He takes Erwin’s jacket and throws it at him. “I need to get a new harness. Can you…”

“I’ll have it arranged, don’t worry.” Erwin puts on his jacket, then gestures at Levi. “Can you hand me the old one?”

Levi throws it over as well. Erwin catches easily, then starts studying the leather straps. “Oh, and by the way,” he says casually. “Next time you get hurt, you tell me. Immediately.”

A shiver runs down his spine. He swallows. “Fine. Where are you off to today?”

“MP headquarters,” Erwin says. “There’s another strategic meeting, and it looks to be a long one. If I’m back late, you know why.”

“I’ll hold the fort for you.” Levi straps his boots closed, then looks up again. Erwin has put the harness aside and is now carefully checking his hair in the mirror.

Levi cocks his head and studies the intent, abstracted look on Erwin’s face.

And it happens again. Like he’s tensing up, readying for a fight that he can’t see, as if Erwin has suddenly become an enemy, something inside him screaming out to _defend himself_.

Erwin catches him looking. “What?”

“Nothing.” Levi goes to the door. “Permission to murder Hange in their sleep?” he asks, lightly.

Erwin smiles. “Permission denied, Corporal. Go play with your kids.”

Levi huffs, then closes the door behind him.

***

“Do it again.”

The soldier – Dieter, one of the mouthier kind – pulls a face. “But I spent a whole hour cleaning up that room, what am I…” He trails off under Levi’s glare.

“Do it again,” Levi repeats. “And this time more thoroughly.”

“Yessir.” The kid throws a salute and rushes off to the room he was supposed to clean.

The Corps has grown again. The death toll has seriously improved the last few years, ever since Erwin introduced the long-range formation, and the sudden rise in popularity made the number of new recruits go up as well. All good things, of course, but it also means HQ is bursting at the seams. Erwin is still attempting to wheedle out some more budget for new construction, but so far all they can do is open up every old decrepit wing the building still has left. The current one hasn’t been used for more than a decade, and it fucking _shows_.

They need it, though, which means cleaning. And a lot of it.

Levi sighs and goes to check on the others on the next floor up. The staircase is narrow and winding and with each step he takes a sharp pain shoots up his thigh, a very effective fucking reminder of yesterday. In more ways than one. 

He does manage to make it to the top without his limp showing up. A girl promptly jumps into a salute when he approaches. Copper hair, brown eyes – Petra Ral.

“We’re just about done with this room, with your permission, sir,” she says brightly.

He runs his fingers over the bottom of a shelf and they come back clean. He nods approvingly. “Well done. Good to see at least some of you know what _clean_ means.”

Petra turns a bright shade of red at the praise, and his memory gives him an insistent kick. He cocks his head and looks her up and down. “Last fullscale expedition,” he says.

“Sir?” She blinks, looking a little lost.

“You were there, right? Didn’t you take out an Aberrant?”

“I had help, sir,” she says, modestly.

“First kill?”

“No.” She smiles, pride shining through the shyness. “Fourth.”

“How many expeditions you’ve been on now?”

“Six, sir.”

“Hm.” He gives her another thorough look. On the short side, and quick, from what he remembers. Talented. “Petra, isn’t?”

She nods, speechless.

“Carry on, then.”

She rushes off, face the color of a fresh tomato.

Levi goes down again, then leaves the building and leans against the wall, tipping head back to bask in the sun. The pain of the cuts and bruises is starting to mess with his concentration. In battle, he can lock out this sort of thing with ease, but here, without anything urgent to distract him…

“Think you’ve got a new worshiper,” a voice pipes up.

“Don’t be a fucking idiot,” Levi says, without opening his eyes.

“I’m being serious. Of course, half the Corps thinks the sun shines out of your ass, but I’ve never seen anyone turn that shade of red before. Well, not naturally.”

Levi cracks one eye open to glare at Hange. “Are you going to start speaking sense anytime soon or are you just gonna go on spouting shit?”

“Oh, don’t worry.” They pat his shoulder. “We all know there’s only one person for you.”

Levi pushes off the wall – Hange dances back as if they’re expecting an attack – and starts walking, hiding his limp the best he can. “I thought our Commander gave you strict orders to _shut up_ about that?”

“Taking a leaf out of your book and ignoring orders for once,” Hange says cheerfully.

Levi swats them on the head. “You’re not me.”

They grin, completely undeterred. “And thank fuck for that.”

“Don’t be too fucking sure it’s an improvement. It’s - ” And he has to stop, as for a moment the muscles of his thigh cramp up and the pain becomes unignorable.

“You okay, Levi?” Hange asks, sounding genuinely concerned.

“Fine,” he says impatiently. “Just a cramp.”

“What happ- Wait.” They squint at him. “Do I want to know what happened? Is it a sex thing?

“None of your fucking business.” The muscle relaxes. He breathes out and starts walking again, Hange at his heels. It’s hard not to limp.

“So it _is_ a sex thing. You know, I’m kinda intrigued. Is Erwin - ”

“Stop talking before I shut your shit-talking mouth for you, four-eyes,” Levi says calmly.

“Fine, fine, calm your grumpy little ass.” They look over their shoulder. “She’s staring at you through the window, you know. Ral, wasn’t it? What did you do to her?”

“Petra? Just asked some stuff.” He presses the palm against his thigh, hidden by his cloak, in an attempt to control the pain. “She’s good. And I need a replacement for Lucia,” he adds, carefully neutral.

Hange is silent. They never offer condolences, something for which Levi is actually grateful. The girl is dead, and that’s it. No amount of sympathy is going to change that, or help with the lingering guilt still gnawing at him.

“Got the order in, by the way,” Hange says after a moment. “With a bit of luck my new design will be ready to use in a week or two. Want to be my test subject, Levi?”

“Find some other victim.”

“Hmm, but you’re such a – a _ha_. Hi, Mike!” they say cheerfully as Mike comes up from behind the corner.

He gives them both a slightly suspicious look. “What?”

Hange smiles. “Would you like to – ”

“No.” He turns to Levi. “Where’s Erwin?”

“Meeting in town,” Levi says, ignoring Hange’s pout. “Why?”

“There’s a civilian come to complain about the behavior of some of the men. Says they assaulted her and her daughter and stole some of her merchandise.”

“Well,” Hange says breezily. “Just tell them to return when Erwin’s back. It might just be - Levi?”

But he’s already halfway down the courtyard. Hange runs to catch up with them.

“This is Erwin’s job, you know,” they say, frowning at him. 

“And what if she doesn’t come back tomorrow?” Levi says. “What if she thinks she’s being dismissed?”

“So what?” Hange shrugs. “Who knows, it might just be a ploy to get money.”

Levi gives them an unimpressed look. “Who’d be mad enough to try and scam the Survey Corps?” .

“Apart from you, you mean?”

“Yeah.” Levi rolls his eyes. “And look how that turned out. “

“I’m just saying - ”

“They _shouldn’t get away with it_ ,” Levi snaps.

Hange gives him a surprised look, but then they turn the corner to the gates where the complainer is waiting and they - thankfully - shut up.

The woman turns to him the second she sees him approaching, with a strident furious expression on her face. But then her face falls and her mouth opens in a little _oh_ the second she recognizes him. “Corporal Levi, sir, I didn’t mean to – ”

“What happened,” he says curtly.

The woman swallows. “Two – two soldiers came down to our shop, started taking some of our wares, but they refused to pay. Said they were heroes and they were owed reward. When I refused to give in, they came behind the counter to take money.” She stops.

“And?” Levi says.

The woman’s eyes dart nervously to the side. “I have a daughter. Young, pretty. She came out to see what the commotion was about, and when they saw her, they said – they said they’d take their due in another way.”

“Did they?”

The woman wipes at her eyes. “No, thankfully. She managed to fight them off, then ran away. But she’s… She’s in shock. They shouldn’t -  I mean, they _tried_. They intended to, to...”

“Right.” He turns on his heel and snaps his fingers. “Come with me, point out the culprits.”

“But, sir, I didn’t – ”

He marches off and she has no choice but to trot after him, cringing with fear and respect and fuck knows what else is going through her head right now.

Heads turn as they pass, obviously confused. Civilians don’t get to enter the HQ, strict orders, but no one’s stupid enough to take that up with him. No one except Hange, who grabs his arm and hisses, “Levi, what the _hell_ are you doing?”

He doesn’t reply.

Eventually the woman stops at a training field, squints at the men there, then points two of them out.

“Sure?” Levi asks. The woman nods, so Levi whistles and gestures the two men over. They drop down and hurry over immediately.

Levi dredges up their names from somewhere - Michael and Carlo. Not among the best and brightest, but they’ve been in the Corps longer than he has. Proper Corpsmen.

They don’t look very guilty. Michael left leers at the woman at Levi’s side, obviously amused. “Sir?”

“This woman is accusing you of raiding her shop and attempting to rape her daughter,” Levi says. “Did you?”

Carlo looks a little surprised, but he rallies. “Well, it was just a bit of fun, sir. She’s exaggerating. We were just – ”

Levi punches him in the stomach, then elbows him in the back while he’s doubled over. The man collapses to the ground, where Levi gives him a kick for good measure.

Pain is flaring up from his cuts - probably reopened a couple - but as he’s staring down at the prone bastard he barely feels a thing.

Michael backs away in shock. “Stay,” Levi growls, and he freezes on the spot.

Levi turns back to the woman. “They’ll be punished, and you’ll be paid for the damage. See her out,” he adds, to one of the nearby recruits. The girl salutes, then takes the woman’s arm and gently leads her away.

Her eyes are shiny with grateful tears.

Levi watches her leave, then turns to the two men. “Let’s discuss your punishment.”

***

Voices hush when Levi enters the dining hall that night, heads turning and a few people sending him quickly-disguised dark looks.

It’s a struggle to keep the pain and the limp from showing. No one seems to notice, but he still can’t shake the feeling that they can look straight through the clothes, see the wounds.

See what Erwin did to him last night.

It’s stupid, irrational. If they’re staring it’s because of the two men currently locked in an isolation cell, because they think he overstepped his bounds. Not because they somehow sense he's been Erwin’s whipping boy for the night. 

Hange, Mike and Mette are already sitting at their usual spot at the end of the table. Levi sits down next to them and reaches for the tea. “Are they still sulking?” he asks.

“You haven’t exactly made yourself popular, no,” Mette says. “But it’s not just you. Erwin’s back.”

Levi looks up, then around. No tell-tale blond head to be seen. “Where is he, then?”

“Bedroom. Didn’t want to come down.”

“Why not?” Hange asks.

“Didn’t say.” Mette hesitates, then adds, “He looked odd. Angry.”

“So?” Levi shrugs. “He’s always bad-tempered after meetings.”

“Maybe,” Mette says. “But he doesn’t lock himself up, then, does he?”

They look at each other.

“Who’s going up?” Mike asks.

“Mette would be best, no?” Hange suggests.

“If he’s that pissed off…” Mette chews her lip. “I think Levi’s the best choice, actually.”

“Am I?” Levi asks, raising an eyebrow.

“He doesn’t feel bad about shouting at you.” Mette smiles at him. “I think he’s used to it. Go up and see what’s wrong, will you?”

He pushes his half-empty cup away and gets up. “Fine. But you fucking owe me.”

"We'll find some way to pay you back," Mette says cheerfully.

Levi huffs, then goes back to the hallway, still painfully aware of the eyes on him. The men can stare all they want, but them, Hange and Mike and Mette…

They know. Not the details, maybe, but enough to make the thought of it uncomfortable. Time was anyone knowing personal information about him meant as good as death sentence, and even though he knows he’s safe with them, it’s still – it feels wrong.

And consequently, some part of his mind is still coolly and rationally planning how to take them all out as soon as possible, erase the vulnerability once and for all. Not that he’s _actually_ considering murdering his squadmates, but he still can’t lock out his survival instincts.

Doesn't matter. Other things to concentrate on now.

Levi stops in front of Erwin’s door and tests – open, he didn’t even bother to lock it.

And he hesitates.

\- _don’t move, and Erwin’s hand on his side and his eyes on Levi’s face, calm and dispassionate and taking in every fucking detail_ -

Levi shakes his head, irritated. Fuck that. He’s got a job to do. And it’s still Erwin, old familiar predictable Erwin. He’ll be fine.

He opens the door. Erwin is sitting on the bed, hands clasped between his knees, and when he looks up at Levi his eyes are blazing.

“I suppose they sent you here?” Erwin says, in a tone that in any other person Levi would think of as mocking.

“It was a mutual decision.”

“Get in.”

Levi closes the door behind him and leans against it, arms crossed. “You know you’ve thrown the whole fucking Corps into a panic just because you’re in a mood, don’t you?”

“Yes.” Erwin runs his hands over his face. “I can’t fucking _sneeze_ or it has an effect on the men, I know, alright? Cut me some slack for once, just…”

Levi frowns. Erwin has his moods, just like anyone else, and after meetings he’s often more reticent and prickly than usual, but this? “Are you alright?”

“No. But I can’t…” He sighs. “I can’t talk about it. Not yet.”

The temptation to push raises its head. Levi forces it down. “Alright. Do you want me to go or should I stay?”

Erwin looks up in surprise. “You’re not going to ask?”

“No.”

“But you _always_ needle.”

Levi shrugs. “This isn’t an order, Erwin. In or out?”

“In,” Erwin says, immediately.

Levi locks the door and goes over to the bed. He stops right in front of Erwin and grabs his chin, tilts his face up. “Careful with the wounds,” he says.

Erwin nods. His eyes have darkened, pupils large, and it only takes a second before he puts his hand on Levi’s waist, warm and heavy. “I will.”

He draws Levi’s shirt open. The bruises have turned color fully, his entire left side black and blue. It looks daunting, but Erwin doesn’t even blink. He runs his finger over them, lightly, making Levi shiver with the not-quite-pain.

“Just to be clear,” Levi says, throat dry, “this isn’t a repetition of last night.”

“I know.” He tugs at Levi’s hip and Levi goes down on the bed, pulling Erwin along. Erwin lands on top of him and kisses him hard.

Levi hooks his leg around the back of Erwin’s calf and rolls them over, then bites down at the juncture of Erwin’s neck and shoulder. Nothing like last night. This is easy, familiar, reassuring, even with the pain of the wounds and bruises interfering.

Erwin pulls at Levi’s pants, and when they refuse to give he runs his hands back up, carefully light against the bruises and cuts. One of his hands lands on the back of Levi’s neck and squeezes.

Lev flinches. It’s possessive and  - no, it isn’t, it’s just a hand, but something about the strength in those fingers and the way he’s holding on –

Levi quickly pulls Erwin’s hand off and pins his forearm down against the bed. Erwin tries to pull away and Levi tightens his grip, keeping him down, knuckles going white with the effort and –

_\- please, don’t –_

Levi rolls off Erwin and sits up at the edge of the bed. His vision swims for a few seconds, past and present blending.

“Levi?”

_\- please, just,  just let me go –_

He puts his hands flat on the mattress and breathes out.

“Levi, are you…?”

_\- don’t hurt me –_

He’s not them. He’s _not them_ , he doesn’t force himself on people, he doesn’t hurt someone just for the fun of it, he doesn’t abuse what he can do, he fucking _doesn’t_.

_He’s not them._

He breathes out again.

He’s not them, and Erwin is emphatically willing here, and the violence is just a game. It’s mutual. And he’s being an idiot worrying about this.

“Levi?” Erwin asks again.

Levi stands up and quickly undresses. “I’m fine,” he says, then adds after a critical look at Erwin, “Unlike you.”

“I’m – ”

“Shut up.” He gets back on the bed and pulls Erwin against him, so they end up side by side. He pushes the shirt off Erwin’s shoulders, starts tugging at his pants. Erwin’s hands roam over his back, following the line of Levi’s spine all the way down, then go lower…

Levi catches Erwin’s wrist. “Not tonight.”

For a second Erwin doesn’t react, and fuck, not _tonight_ of all fucking nights – but he pulls back, hand going higher again.

Erwin might be ruthless, but at least he isn’t cruel.

He pushes at Levi’s shoulder and Levi rolls over, ending up flat on his back. Erwin bites lightly at his neck, then makes his way down, his lips and tongue light against the split and bruised skin, dancing on the edge of pain without ever crossing it.

Levi tugs at Erwin’s hair. “Not – not like last night,” he gasps.

Erwin raises his head briefly to shake a _no_ , then returns his attentions to Levi’s stomach. Levi squeezes his eyes shut and breathes in sharply through his nose.

Erwin. This is about Erwin and his way to cope, to stop thinking, and if that way happens to be Erwin’s mouth on his cock, yeah, well, there are worse things he’d do for the sake of their Commander.

Erwin wraps his fingers around the base of Levi’s cock and sucks at the head. Levi’s hips jerk up automatically and he bites down on his bottom lip to keep from groaning.

But he’s being weird, Erwin. Usually he kind of forgets about his hands when he’s giving head, understandably focusing on just the one thing, but now he’s… It’s like he can’t keep still, like he needs to make sure if Levi’s still there – as if Levi’s cock in his mouth isn’t enough proof on its own. His hand runs over Levi’s chest, fingers catching on a nipple, then scratching gently down his side.

Levi tightens his hold on Erwin’s hair and tries to hold off the inevitable. But then Erwin fucking _swallows_ , and last time he did that he choked and Levi spent several days mocking him for that, but now he doesn’t, and it’s…

Teeth graze his cock. Levi throws his hand back and grabs hold of the headboard, hips rocking – fuck, when did Erwin get so fucking _good_ at this?

Levi glances down, breath coming rapidly. Erwin is frowning again, concentration and care all over his face. Is that how he always looks, did Levi simply not notice before? Or did last night fuck him up permanently, make him see that face and think, feel, this weird mixture of being a rabbit caught in a trap and the same time –

Levi arches off the bed, orgasm rushing through him and thoughts giving up, at-fucking- _last_.

He falls back, panting. His hand hurts where he grabbed the headboard, too hard. Erwin is still holding his hips.

Levi mumbles something. Erwin sits up and leans back against the headboard, giving him space. Levi closes his eyes. Slowly his focus returns. And with it, the worry.

It’s not the first time something like this happened - memories pouncing on him when he least expects it - but usually he can just hold it off, control it. He never had to fucking _stop_ before, never had this kick-in-the-gut overwhelming kind of thing happen.

Doesn’t matter. He’s fine now.

Levi glances aside. Erwin is watching him. Hawk-like, focused, something that belongs more on a battlefield than a bedroom. Waiting.

Levi sits up and swing his leg up, straddling Erwin’s lap. Erwin still continues to watch him, serious. He barely even reacts when Levi roughly yanks his pants open and grabs hold of his cock.

Levi puts his other hand on Erwin’s neck and pulls him into a kiss. For a second Erwin is almost unnervingly passive, but then it’s - it’s like he wakes up. He throws an arm around Levi’s waist and tangles the other in Levi’s hair and yanks him close. It hurts, too hard against his bruised ribs and broken skin, but like _hell_ is he going to pull Erwin off now, not when he’s shaking like that, not when for the first damn time tonight Levi feels more or less in control again.

He keeps moving his hand, Erwin’s kisses growing progressively clumsier, his movements less coordinated. Levi tries to slide lower, but Erwin’s hold tightens even further, refusing to let him go. So he stays where he is, firmly in Erwin’s lap.

Erwin’s gasps change pitch. He tips his head back, mouth open, eyes squeezed shut, and he arches up, quivering like a bow string, nails leaving painful fiery strips down Levi’s back. Wetness spills over Levi’s fingers.

Then Erwin sags back against the pillows, breathing hard.

Levi pulls his hand back and wipes it on his shirt, with a little noise of irritation. Erwin blinks, then smiles. “It’ll wash off,” he says, still a little breathless.

“Not the point.” Levi crawls off Erwin’s lap and sits back against the pillows, still idly trying to clean his hand of drying come.

“What did – ”

“Don’t,” Levi says sharply, not meeting Erwin’s eyes.

“Alright.”

Levi glances up. “And are you going to share what pissed you off this much?”

Erwin rolls up onto his elbow and traces his fingers over Levi’s wounds.

“Erwin?”

He doesn’t say anything, just keeps stroking the red-and-blue lines of bruises and cuts as if he wants to memorize them.

“They’re healing fine, stop fussing,” Levi says irritably.

“I know they are.” Erwin rolls back and folds his hands over his stomach, eyes closed. “But they shouldn’t have been there in the first place.”

“Accidents happen.”

Erwin makes a derisive sound, but he doesn’t say anything else, so Levi sits up and swings his legs over the edge of the bed. But Erwin grabs his forearm before he can get up.

“Where are you going?” Erwin asks.

“My bedroom,” Levi says, with a raised eyebrow.

“I’d prefer it if you stayed here tonight.”

“Yeah?” Levi pulls his arm free and stands up. “Well, I’d prefer it if I didn’t, so, tough.”

Erwin cocks his head, frowning. “Are you alright, Levi? Did something happen while I was away?”

“No,” he lies. He pulls his pants on and grabs his shirt.

“Well...” Erwin says, slowly. “If you’re sure. Goodnight, Levi.”

“Yeah.” He picks up his boots and turns his back on Erwin. “Night.”

***

He wakes up four separate times that night, each time with his heart hammering its way through his chest and his skin wet with sweat and a persistent feeling of falling, which makes him run his hand over his bedframe just to be sure he’s on solid ground again.

He’s never been more grateful to see the morning sun come up.

***

“Well,” Hange stage-whispers the next morning at breakfast, while Erwin goes to get his food. “That really worked, didn’t it? Levi and his magic co-”

“Finish that sentence and I’ll put a fork up your ass,” Levi says calmly.

Hange gives him a sweet smile. “Compassion, I was gonna say.”

“Like hell.”

“So what was wrong?” Mette asks.

“Didn’t say. And I didn’t really ask more than once.” He reaches for the tea.

“Huh.” Mette frowns. “Poor bastard. He doesn’t get a second of rest, does he?”

“That’s what being a commander is. Now hush, here he is.”

Erwin sits down at the head of the table, then gives them all a mildly ironic look that means he knows exactly what they were talking about. But then he shakes his head and smiles. “So,” he says.

“So?”

“Levi.” Erwin raises his eyebrows. “Started disciplining soldiers now, I hear?”

Levi tenses up, but there’s a snigger from the others. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Michael that scared,” Hange says, grinning. “You’d have thought he was facing a Titan rather than Corporal shortass here.”

Erwin pulls a disapproving face. “You really should’ve left it to me, you know. Why didn’t you wait until I got back?”

“They shouldn’t get away with it,” Levi says coldly.

“Well, no, of course not.” Erwin cocks his head, puzzled. “You think I would have let them off scottfree? Why did you - ”

“I don’t like soldiers who abuse their power,” Levi snaps.

And Erwin’s eyes go sharp.

It isn’t _just_ about Erwin. Levi has plenty of memories involving MP’s, how they raided homes and abused people Underground just for the fun of it, how they acted in the brothel Levi grew up in, how they’d almost murdered Farlan just for being in their way before Levi saved him…

But it still is in some way about Erwin, and Levi forced face-down into a puddle of muddy sewage water with a sword held to his neck.

Erwin looks away first. “You did the right thing. They shouldn’t believe they can get away with something like that. We can’t afford any blemish on the Corps’ reputation right now.”

“Politics,” Levi sneers. “That wasn’t what I had in mind.”

Mette clears her throat. “Anyway, what are you thinking of in way of punishment?” she asks Erwin, effectively derailing the conversation.

Levi returns to his breakfast, trying to fight the sickening turning of his stomach at all the old memories churning away.

***

When he goes to his room that night, Erwin is already there. Levi pauses in the doorway.

It’s not like they plan it, talk about it before. It just – happens, naturally, and on the whole they tend to be pretty good at guessing when, and what, the other needs, whether it’s space to be alone or company or sex or even violence.

This might be one time where Erwin’s got it wrong, though. Just the sight of him standing there, relaxed and at ease in Levi’s bedroom, Levi’s personal space, like he has any fucking right to be here, is already setting his teeth on edge.

“Three nights in a row?” Levi closes the door and takes off his jacket. “Isn’t that too ambitious, for a man your age?”

“I’m not that much older than you,” Erwin says, smiling. Then he frowns. “Well, I think. You never did mention your date of birth, did you?”

Levi jerks his chin. “Fuck off.”

“I just wanted to…” He grabs Levi’s arm and -

\- _get up, you weak fucking runt, and the agony of a snapped bone chafing against –_

Levi pulls away and takes a full two steps back.

No. Not fucking this, not now, not _here_.

Erwin reaches out in confusion. “What – ”

“Out,” Levi says, breathing heavily.

“I didn’t – “

“ _Out_ ,” he roars.

Erwin gives him a look, then leaves the room, closing the door carefully behind him.

Levi leans his hands against the rough stone of the wall.

It’s stupid. Weak. But he’s still shaking and it’s clinging to him in a way it hasn’t before, and he can’t get rid of it, can’t get on top of this, can’t –

_\- too dark too much pain can’t move can’t make a noise can’t -_

His eyes fall to his wrists.  He can almost feel Erwin’s touch, gently holding him down, and Levi let him, and he should have –

He kicks the cupboard in frustration, then squeezes his eyes shut, trying to fight it off. He’s stronger than this. The past is the past, it can’t touch him anymore. There’s nothing -

\- _a sharp edge against the back of his neck the taste of sewage in his mouth a punishing grip on his arm -_

He goes over to the table and splashes some water onto his face, then starts pacing, full of nervous energy. Memories. Phantoms, nothing more, just -

\- _the dry snap of a bone breaking blood on his fingers be quiet hold still don’t let them notice you -_

He slams his hands down on the table, doubles over like he’s about to throw up but - _no_. He’s better than this. It’s done. It’s in the past.

\- _a scream and pain and he’s falling -_

He tips his head back, breathes out slowly. Control. Just breathing, slow, ignore his hammering heartbeat and the sick twisting in his stomach. It’s just his mind playing tricks on him. He can cope.

He sits down on the bed, hands clasped together, and slowly the nauseating loss of control begins to fade.

It’s just memories. They can’t affect him anymore.

He’s stronger than them.

***

Erwin doesn’t come back the next night, nor the nights after that. This time he does seem to realize that turning up without invitation would just get him kicked out, and he obviously respects that.

Levi can feel him watching, though, during mealtimes, or when he comes to observe the training. Studying him. As if he’s trying to see through Levi’s mask, dig straight into his memories, his thoughts.

But Erwin doesn’t push. Instead there’s an invitation, plain and simple: _I’m giving you space, come to me when you’re ready_.

He doesn’t.

He recruits Petra into his squad and asks Erwin’s approval formally, in writing, the way they usually never do. But it’s easier than stepping into Erwin’s office and being alone with him, risking having to _talk_ with him.

Erwin signs off the permission note and sends it back by messenger, without any sign of disapproval or surprise.

Two weeks pass, three, and still Levi avoids Erwin’s bedroom like the plague. Erwin tries again, knocking politely at Levi’s door, but he leaves without another word at Levi’s cold _no_. Doesn’t mention anything about it afterwards either.

They’re both fucking adults, professionals, they don’t let it affect them when they’re working. And there is plenty of work to keep them both busy. Erwin has meetings and paperwork and expeditions to plan, Levi has his new squad member to break in. And their free time, their nights, well…  Erwin is too fucking considerate to go against Levi’s wishes when he’s made it clear he wants to be left alone.

But Levi can still feel Erwin’s eyes tracking him, and more than once it leaves him wanting to stab them out, just to stop him fucking _looking_.

“You’re avoiding him, Levi,” Mette says, when she corners him after a month of abstinence.

“I’m not his fucking whore,” he says, coldly, and pushes past her without a backwards glance.

***

_Levi!_

_A hand on his shoulder, pushing him away - run hide keep quiet don’t let them notice you - and his feet slip in filth and someone hits him, then the cramped darkness and he can hear her screaming –_

He opens his eyes.

A dream. Just a dream. He’s fine, and she’s been dead for a long long time.

He sits up and runs his hands over his face, trying to calm down his racing heart, his panting breath. The nightmares have only been getting worse lately. They come like clockwork, at least one every night - often more - and without fail he wakes up with a disturbing feeling of being trapped, hunted down. It’s not even limited to his nights anymore; the feeling lingers all fucking day, leaving him snappy and bad-tempered.

With each day that passes, the HQ feels more like a cage.

Normally he’d go to Erwin with this, let him fuck away the memories, but now even the thought of having Erwin close makes him want to –

So that’s out.

He gets up. He won’t be getting any more sleep now, not with this amount of leftover adrenaline and sick lingering fear, so he puts on some clothes and goes outside.

It’s just before dawn, the air coloring a strange purple-pink shade. He takes a moment to appreciate it.

Four years, and he’s still not used to how fucking _beautiful_ the sky can be, sometimes. Especially in contrast with the filthy darkness from his dreams.

Then the unmistakable sounds of someone using their 3D gear reaches him. He cocks his head, surprised. It’s still way too early for even the most dedicated of recruits to be up. Even Erwin should be still asleep at this hour.

He makes his way to the training ground, keeping to the shadows just in case. There’s someone flying around, with quick creative movements and an impressive amount of agility. They swing up in a high arch, execute a perfect little roll, and land flawlessly, then turn and take off across the field, going from tree to building at breakneck speed. 

Then their head turns to him and their movements freeze, as in the soft morning light they can both suddenly see each other.

Petra.

She tries to land but misjudges something and instead lands on the ground, hard. Levi immediately vaults over the fence and sprints over, his stomach twisted in knots - _bandages in the shed medical officer around the corner_ \- but she gets up on her knees and splutters out sand.

Fine. She’s fine.

He gives her a hand up. “Thought I told you to get your nerves under control?”

“Yessir,” she says, eyes downcast. Her palm is cold and dry against his, and she holds on for just a fraction of a second too long. “Sorry sir.”

He folds his arms. “What the hell are you doing here at this hour, anyway?”

“I just…” She squirms, face a picture of agonized embarrassment. “What with everyone else in Squad Levi being so experienced, I didn’t want to – ”

“Squad _what_?”

“Uh, the Special Ops squad, I mean. It’s just…” She looks down, then mutters, “I don’t want to let anyone down.”

Levi stares at her.

None of the other squad members had protested when he suggested to take Petra on. They’d seen her in action, knew she was good, and for the rest they trusted his judgement. The only one doubting his decision was Petra herself. When he'd asked her, she had spent several minutes blushing furiously and trying to make up excuses not to join, until he had lost patience and flat-out ordered her to show up next day for training.

She’d been doing well so far, though. There’s no reason for her insecurity.

“And you think this’ll help?” Levi asks, gesturing at the training grounds.

“Well… No, not much. I can cross this terrain with my eyes closed. But I can’t do much else unless I go beyond the walls to train.” She gives him a shy shaky smile, which quickly turns into a worried frown when she sees his face. “Sir?”

He turns around and strides off. “Go to bed, Petra,” he yells over his shoulder. “Everyone’s shit on three hours of sleep.”

Which is probably a pretty hypocritical thing to say, considering how many disturbed and sleepless nights he’s had recently. But she doesn’t need to know that.

He goes back in and up the stairs, down the hallway to Erwin’s office. The sun has only just come up, but knowing Erwin…

He opens the door. True to form, Erwin is already at work, sitting behind his desk and scribbling away. He looks up and smiles when Levi comes in.

It throws him, for just a second. Erwin seems genuinely happy to see him, which doesn’t make much sense. Even Hange had chewed Levi out for being even more abrasive than usual - and the brunt of said abrasiveness has been directed at Erwin. Anyone else would have been at least a little pissed off at him.

Yet there Erwin is, smiling at Levi like he just rolled freshly-fucked out of his bed.

“What’s up?” Erwin asks.

Levi shakes himself. “I’m taking my squad outside.”

Erwin’s smile fades. “What?”

“My squad. Petra needs more outside experience and I can’t afford to wait until the next expedition, so sign the order, will you?”

Erwin leans back in his chair, studying him. “You want to go outside of the walls.”

“Yes.”

“With only half a dozen men.”

“Yes.”

Erwin rubs his forehead. “Levi…”

“It’s not dangerous,” he says. “Not more than going out with the whole Corps is, anyway. Probably even less. And if I can’t train them outside they’re going to be fucking useless in the field, so…”

Erwin drops his hand. “This isn’t just about training, is it?”

Levi keeps his mouth shut, his face calm. Don’t let him see, don’t let him know…

“Is it?” Erwin repeats, pointedly.

“I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about,” Levi says, straight-faced.

Erwin keeps studying him for a while. Then he sighs and gets a pace of paper. “Fine,” he says, as he writes. “If it makes you happy. Don’t stray anywhere beyond a day’s ride from the wall, and keep an eye out for any flares. If I call you back I want you here _immediately_ , understand?” He signs the document off. “I’d tell you to be careful, not to take unnecessary risks, but…”

Levi gives him a mocking look. “You really still feel the need to point that out?”

“No.” Erwin holds out the document. “No, and I haven’t in years. I want you back in two days.”

“A week,” Levi says promptly.

“Five days.”

“Done.” He takes the document. Erwin’s fingers briefly brush his and Levi pulls his hand back abruptly. “Thanks,” he says, then turns to leave.

“Levi?”

He stops. “What?” he asks, not turning back.

“Just… Take care, will you?” Erwin says, something strange in his voice.

He huffs and doesn’t bother replying.

***

They leave the day after.

He catches Petra vomiting up her breakfast behind one of the sheds. He pretends not to see, hopes for her sake she didn’t notice him, and gives Meryl a hint that she might want to give the new girl a hand.

Not that the others are doing so much better. They’re pale, nervous, jittery, and unusually serious. It’s weird. His squad is known for its irreverent attitude, their ability to laugh at anything, any situation. It’s part of the whole elite-squad package. And now they’re shitting themselves just because they’re going out alone? True, it’s the first time they’ve done something like this, but … They’ve gone out often enough, breaking away from the main force the second they’re beyond the walls and spending the rest of the expedition without their protection. Why would this be so different?

Besides, it’s hard to empathize when he himself is practically chomping at the bit to finally go out again.

Levi hands in the permission note and stares down the curious people standing around, ignores the words _suicide mission_ being whispered somewhere in the background.

The guard hands the note back and the gate rattles open. The dark tunnel, that murky smell of wet old stone, the bright light just about visible at the end…

“Sir?” Eld asks.

Levi squeezes the sides of the horse, urging it on into a trot, and the others follow him. For a few moments everything is dark, cold, shadowy, and then…

There is nothing, fucking _nothing_ in the entire world that compares to the feeling of at last coming out of the walls and the overwhelming space, light, _freedom_.

The others fall out into a neat V-formation behind him. “Let’s test our speed, shall we?” Levi yells over his shoulder, and he flicks the reins and speeds up, the wind rushing past him, the ground disappearing beneath his horse’s hooves.

_This_ is what he fucking needed.

***

They only come across the one Titan, which Levi dispatches without even breaking his stride. They keep riding for about half the day, then get off their horses and spend the rest of the day practicing maneuvers between the trees.

Once they’re over the shock of being outside, alone, they adjust pretty well. By evening they’re even having _fun_ , chasing each other through the trees and having mini-races from one end of the forest to another.

It’s good. It makes them forget the last expedition, helps them deal with the loss of Lucia, makes it easier for Petra to step in…

And it’s a distraction for him as well. As long as he’s focusing on them, he can forget about everything else that’s been messing with him.

“Alright!” he yells, as Petra and Rani tackle Eld out of a tree. “Sun’s going down, let’s set up camp.”

Eld spits out a leaf and straightens up, and the rest trudge obediently after Levi. They find a spot near the edge of the forest, where Levi makes them set up their kit while he goes to check the perimeter.

It’s cool amongst the trees, with the sun’s warmth gone. He breathes in, briefly closes his eyes.

Freedom. Fuck, he missed this. Finally the feeling of being tethered, pinned down, is completely gone from his system. Who knows, maybe he’ll even get some peaceful sleep tonight.

He circles around the camp - all safe - then makes his way back. There are voices coming from the camp, too muffled to hear. He carefully creeps closer and stops just outside the circle of light cast by the campfire. Invisible to anyone inside it.

Levi cocks his head and listens in.

“- wasn’t famous back then, not like he is now,” he can hear Rani say. “We’d just joined and he was standing there next to Erwin – he barely came up to the Commander’s shoulder, you can imagine how that made him seem.”

There’s a snigger.

“But then we saw him… I couldn’t believe it, he was so fast.”

“He was a dick,” Nanaba adds. “When he trained us – I mean, not that the instructors at basic training are all nice, but he – he didn’t give a shit. All he cared about was making sure we could fight well.”

“Some of us hated him for it, you know,” Rani says. “But then when we went outside of the walls… If he’d been anyone else we’d have all been dead that first day. And we knew it. He _kept us alive_ , we all made it back to the walls unharmed. That had never happened before. And all because of him.”

There’s a contemplative silence.

”It was the same for us, you know,” Eld says. “The commander - well, he was still only a captain back then, but everyone respected him. And then he brought in Levi and his friends and we all thought he’d lost it. But then we actually saw Corporal Levi in action… It was amazing. Like everything we had been doing so far was child’s play compared to what he could do.”

“I thought people were exaggerating at first,” Meryl says. “But then we were out on expedition, and his squad was working together with ours - do you remember, Gunther?”

“Yeah. He just - came flying out of nowhere. There were four of them, we were surrounded, we were sure we were about to die, and then… Just like that, he killed them all. With all the effort of swatting a fly. ”

Another silence. Levi starts to move, but then Petra speaks.

“First time I saw him was in Shiganshina,” she says, hesitantly.

The rest keep quiet. It’s funny how that works, how one simple word can call up a whole remembered world of carnage.

“I was so scared, I had been running for hours, and then I was cornered by a Titan and I… I thought I’d die. And then he – it happened so quickly, I didn’t realize what was going in, just that suddenly the Titan dropped down dead and Corporal Levi landed right in front of me. Told me to run, then took off again.” She pauses, briefly. “I doubt he remembers.”

She’s right, he doesn’t remember her. His memories of Shiganshina and Wall Maria are mostly chaos, blood, Elsa screaming as she was torn from a rooftop and the cold shock as he came across the remains of Lars’ body. He doesn’t remember some random civilian he saved. There had been a lot of those.

“He’s saved all of us from death at least once,” Eld says. “But he’s not the type to keep track of something like that.” He pauses, then adds, “At least, I don’t think so.”

Meryl chuckles. “Don’t try to get into what the Corporal’s thinking, Eld.”

“Like you aren’t curious? I mean, what do we really know about him, apart from that he came from the Underground?”

“He came from the _Underground_?” Petra asks, surprised.

Levi blinks. She didn’t know?

But why would she know? The veterans, the ones who were there when he first joined, respect him far too much to gossip about him, and to the newbies Levi is just a fixed part, always been there, something as integral to the Survey Corps as the 3D gear or the horses.

“That’s what they said, back when he first joined,” Eld says. “Of course, they say a lot of things about him.”

There’s another titter of amusement. “Well, he can’t make Titans drop down dead just by glaring at them,” Nanaba says.

“Bet he can make _people_ drop dead just by looking at them, though,” Gunther says. “You remember when we were staying at that old house? And he had us clean up the entire two floors before he’d let us sleep?”

“What happened?” Petra asks.

“Nanaba asked if we didn’t have more useful things to do, and then he just – _stared_. And then Lucia...”  Gunther trails off. The others go quiet.

Enough of that.

“Speaking of better things to do…” Levi says as he steps into the circle of light. They all jump into a salute.

“Sorry, sir!” Nanaba says quickly. “We were just…”

“Gossiping?” He settles down and they all sit down again. They shoot each other nervous looks he pretends not to see.

Meryl clears her throat. “Is it – is it true, though, sir?” she asks, hesitantly. “That you – you came from the Underground? That you used to be a criminal?”

“Yes, it’s true.”

“But…”

“How does a criminal land a place in the Military?” Gunther asks. “You need to have a clean record, don’t you? I almost didn’t get in because I got caught stealing when I was a kid.”

Levi shrugs. “Erwin took me in.”

“But – ”

“That’s _enough_ , Gunter.”

They fall silent. They all know well enough he doesn’t appreciate idle chat, especially if it turns personal.

He rubs the bridge of his nose. “Get some sleep, all of you,” he says, making sure he sounds a little kinder. “Cause I’m not going to let you get any rest tomorrow. Gunther, first watch. Nanaba second, Petra third, and Meryl will do the morning shift. We’re getting up an hour before sunrise. Got that?”

There’s a collective agreeing mutter and they all get into their sleeping bags without any further grumbling. Gunther throws his cloak around his shoulders and leans his chin on his knees, settling in for a long watch.

Levi rolls onto his back and stares up at the stars.

Freedom. He needs to focus on that, this feeling of the world at his feet, being able to go wherever he wants to go, unimpeded, no one to hold him down. Fuck his memories. He’s here, now, and it’s all fine.

He closes his eyes. All around him, his squad is falling asleep. Petra’s occasional sniffle, Eld and Gunther’s nasal snores, Nanaba’s sleepy smacking sounds and Rani’s wheeze every few breaths – and right on cue, there’s a sleepy mutter from Meryl.

All asleep, then. Good. He rolls onto his side and tries to follow their example.

***

_He’s slipping in blood, someone screaming too far away to see, a thick stinking fog obscuring his view and sewage water down his throat and he’s forced to his knees a hand cracks across his face and he’s too small to fight back too weak too tired too hungry –_

Darkness. Something hard beneath him. No noise except the rustle of the leaves, some quiet snoring.

He sits up and runs his hands over his face.

So much for peace. If anything, it’s _worse_ here, more vivid. He barely has to close his eyes to see the vivid bloodsoaked images, over and over again. Hear the screams. Feel the blood and rain on his hands.

He looks up. The light of the dying fire catches on Petra’s head, which is starting to droop. He gets up and goes over, touches her shoulder.

She jolts. “Sorry sir, I was just – ”

“Nodding off?”

She give a slightly sheepish nod.

“Don’t.” He sits down next to her. “Find a way to keep awake. Counting, sums, singing songs. Something.”

“Yessir.”

They sit in silence. Levi eyes the forest. Titans don’t move at night, everyone knows that, but how sure can they be these days?

“Corporal?” Petra asks.

“What?” he says distractedly.

“Just – sorry, it’s none of my business.”

He frowns at her. “What?”

“I – I don’t want to gossip, but…” She leans forward. “You grew up in the Underground? Really?”

“Yes. And?”

“My father was a doctor. A few times people came to him, from the Underground, to be treated, and, and the stories they told…” She peeks up at him. “Was - was it really that bad?”

He stays silent for a while. Petra keeps watching him, then bites her lip when he still doesn’t reply. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have – ”

“It was a shithole,” he says, flatly. “Dripping with sewage water, freezing in winter and like a stinking swamp in summer. The lack of sunlight messes with people’s health, their bones, so there are cripples everywhere, trying to scrape by a living. Many don’t succeed. There are about as many corpses in the streets as there are beggars. Those that are lucky enough to be both alive and relatively healthy are dangerous, cruel, perfectly ready to cut your throat you for nothing but a moldy crust of bread or a few pennies. It's worse than you can imagine. A living hell, where kindness or compassion get you killed and only ruthlessness gives you a chance to survive.”

There’s silence. Petra’s eyes are huge.

Levi looks down, fiddling with the straps of his boot. He shouldn’t have. He doesn’t talk about his past, not to anyone, but something about the darkness and the dreams and the way Petra reminds him of Isabel - stupid, they’re nothing alike, she has nothing in common with Isabel apart from the way she looks at him, like he has all the answers…

He shouldn’t have said a fucking word.

He tips his head back, digs his nails into the palm of his hand. All darkness looks the same, and he can almost feel the wet cold again, smell the putrid air, hear the shuffles and screams and whispers…

“And you lived there,” Petra says softly.

“For a while,” Levi says, reluctantly. “Then Erwin found me.”

“The Commander? What did he – no, sorry, none of my business.”

He gives her an approving look and she ducks her head, blushing.

But she peeks up again. “How did you survive?” she asks. “In a place like that, where… How can anyone survive?”

_\- do you want to die, Levi? Like your mother? No? Then listen to me –_

“By not being stupid,” he says curtly.

She takes the hint and stays silent. Levi bites the inside of his cheek, fighting against the memories. He doesn’t want this, he’s rid of it all, he doesn’t need to be reminded…

“I wanted to say thank you, sir,” Petra says softly.

“For what?” He looks up, focusing on her. “Taking you in? You’ve only got yourself to thank for that, Petra.”

“Yes, but…” She tilts her head back. “Thank you for bringing us here. Giving us this. I mean - I was terrified when you told us we’d be going out alone, but it’s…”

“It’s what?”

“Different. Us. Being out here, alone. Without orders, without a mission.”

“Not afraid anymore, then?”

“I’m – I dunno. Of course I’m still afraid, but it’s also…” She raises her head, looks around. “It’s so _big_ here, isn’t it?” she says. “And we can go wherever we please.”

“Yeah,” he says.

“Free.” She smiles. “Sorry, sir. I’m not making much sense, am I?”

“You’re doing fine.” He gets up again, leaning on her shoulder. “Don’t fall asleep.”

“No, sir.”

He leaves her be and goes back to his sleeping bag.

Free. Well, he does feel free here, with the whole wide world at his feet and no orders to tie him down, but when he’ll get back inside…

He lies down, folds his hands behind his head and looks up at the stars. No sense in trying to sleep, not like this.

Even awake, he can hear their voices screaming at him.

***

He does take seven days in the end. The squad doesn’t know about the deadline and they don’t protest to staying. Despite the constant threat of Titans attacking - a threat that becomes reality on several occasions - they’re actually somehow enjoying themselves. Petra isn’t the only one affected by this strange sense of freedom.

It feels like he could stay here forever. With people he knows, who trust him without question and respect his privacy. No one here stares at him as if they want to peel back his outer layers. No one here treats him like he’s made of fucking porcelain, to be treated with fucking _care_.

It’s a lie, though. He’s doing nothing but running away from the inevitable, and he might be plenty of things, but he isn’t a coward.

So after seven days, they leave. The squad doesn’t protest, but all through the ride back he can see them looking around wistfully, taking in every detail of the landscape surrounding them. As if they’re going to miss it.

And when they finally scale the last hill and see the wall in the distance, it feels too soon.

Levi brings his horse to a halt.

He doesn’t want to go back. He _doesn’t want to go back_ , and fine, he has struggled before with the routine and the rules of the Corps but never like this. It’s almost a physical resistance, like his hands refuse to gather the reins, go down the hill.

He doesn’t want to go back.

“Corporal?” Gunther asks.

Levi’s fingers go tight around the reins. It isn’t a real choice, not anymore. He made his decision, he’s fucking sticking to it. But he still can’t help the way riding back in feels like stepping into a cage, voluntarily, offering up his wrists for the cuffs.

_\- you’re a monster, Levi. You’ll never be able to submit -_

Erwin will be waiting for him. And he’ll have little patience for Levi’s disobedience.

Levi gathers the reins and squeezes his legs against the horse’s side and forces himself to go down.

***

Erwin is predictably furious. It’s subtle enough at first - with all the men watching he can’t afford to lose his temper - but to Levi it might as well be stamped across his forehead.

“My office,” Erwin says calmly, the second Levi dismounts.

Levi’s squad give him a variety of concerned and curious looks. He gives them a reassuring wave and follows Erwin up.

The door is barely closed before Erwin rounds on him. “What the _hell_ were you thinking?” he snaps. “You weren’t just on a joyride, you were _beyond the walls_. What gave you the right to disobey my orders? Or didn’t you understand that they were orders instead of fucking suggestions?”

Levi stares passively at a point beyond Erwin’s right shoulder. Just like the old days.

“A fine example this’ll set for your men. Did you tell them, did they agree? Or did you just lie about what I told you? Did you think I – _look at me_.”

Levi reluctantly meets Erwin’s eyes.

“When I say _five days_ I mean it, Levi. You can’t just ignore orders just because you decide you don’t like them. Why can’t you – ”

“Are you _done_?” Levi snaps.

Erwin falls silent, anger fading. Or suppressed, or transformed into that ice-cold thing Levi has only seen a handful of times. 

“I thought we were over this,” Erwin says, quietly. “This – rebelliousness. Unless there was some pressing reason preventing you from coming back?”

“No,” Levi says flatly.

“Then _why_?”

He looks away.

“Why did you stay beyond what I told you, Levi?” Erwin asks again, with a strange kind of emphasis.

_Because I didn’t want to come back_. But he’s got no way of saying that in a way Erwin would understand. So he just shrugs.

Erwin runs his hand through his hair. “Just – are you okay? And your squad?”

“Fine. No one got hurt. We killed six. Petra took one down on her own. They’re doing well.”

“That’s something, at least.” He keeps staring at Levi.

“Was that all?” Levi asks, unnerved and not willing to show it.

Erwin just keeps looking for another few moments. Then he stands up and goes over to the window. “Do you know,” he says, sounding thoughtful, “that the men weren’t even worried? They all knew you were supposed to be back two days ago, but practically no one believed something had happened to you. The faith they have in you…”

Levi shifts onto his other foot. “I never asked for that.”

“I suppose it’s inevitable, for someone like you. After all the things you’ve done for us.”

“Yeah.”

Erwin turns. There’s that fucking _look_ in his eyes again, all patient and frowning and careful. “Are you staying tonight?”

He wants to say _yes_. He misses the sex, and the company. But even just thinking about it makes him feel like - like he wants to take his horse and ride until he collapses.

“No,” he says, coldly. “Was there anything else?”

Erwin tilts his head. The look is still there, and it’s making Levi’s skin crawl. “No. No, nothing else.”

“Fine.” He about-turns and leaves the room.

His neck prickles.

***

He doesn’t adjust well. After the freedom of being his own boss, being unobserved and left alone, the HQ feels claustrophobic, in a way not even the Underground ever did. It’s like the prison he spent his life avoiding finally caught up with him.

It’s irrational, because if anything he’s getting more freedom than he used to. He’s left to his own devices for the most part, free to choose how to spend his time. Erwin even seems to make sure Levi has got less paperwork than normal, giving him more time to spend on training. Or on other things.

He spends a lot of time on the rooftops, like he used to when he just joined, struggling with the desire to just _run_.

It’s stupid. He’s got nowhere left to run to. And he does like being here, in general, it’s simply that right this moment everything just - comes too close. Even the way Erwin gives Levi space is starting to grate.

And there’s nothing he can do about it.

He tilts his head back and rubs his wrist, idly, keeping half an ear on the chatter going on around him.

“Fifty-one,” Mette says decisively.

Hange whistles through their teeth. “That’s steep. I’ll give you good odds on that one. What about you, Mike?”

He spits out a sprig of greenery he was chewing on. “Thirty-five.”

“Noted. You want in, Levi?”

Levi frowns at them. “What’s going on?”

“New recruits,” Hange says. “How many are going to enlist? Guess the right number and you’ll get a nice little profit!”

“Why the fuck would I care about money?” Levi snarls.

“Fine, okay.” They raise their hands. “You don’t want to play, got it. Lighten up a little.”

He scowls at them as they scribble down numbers. “When is it, anyway?”

“The recruitment drive?” Mette asks. “In a week or something. Hasn’t Erwin talked to you about it yet?”

He looks away.

“It’s an interesting betting pool, really,” Hange says, still poring over their notes. “I’ve got everything from five to - seventy-three? That’s Ness, he’s a little too optimistic if you ask me. But hey, it’s his money. He’ll…” They look up. “What?”

Mike jerks his chin over Hange’s shoulder just as Erwin’s shadow falls over Hange’s back. Hange freezes. “Uh…”

“I don’t condone betting in the Corps, Hange,” Erwin says mildly.

“It’s, uh, just some harmless fun?” Hange cranes their neck and gives Erwin a sheepish smile. “Honestly, no funny business.”

“And if you put a stop to it now, Erwin, you’ll have a revolution on your hands,” Mette says. “Everyone’s getting really invested.”

“So you’ve betted as well, have you?” Erwin asks dryly.

“Yeah.” She smiles at him. “Don’t look so glum, Hange’s right, it really is just harmless. No one has bet anything big. Have they, Hange?”

“Nope.” Hange pulls a pleading face. “And I’m not messing with the results, it’s all fair and square. Promise, Commander.”

“Fine, fine,” Erwin says heavily. “But Hange, if after this I catch you at it again, there will be consequences. Understood?”

“Yessir!” Hange says brightly.

“Good.” Erwin nods, then looks up. “Levi? A word?”

“Sure.”

He follows Erwin around the corner of the building, where they have some relative privacy. Levi leans back against the wall, arms crossed, and Erwin leans next to him, watching him.

Levi looks away. “Well?”

“I wanted to ask…" Erwin frowns. "But maybe you shouldn’t.”

“What?” Levi snaps.

“The recruitment drive, next week,” Erwin says. “I was thinking you might come along.”

Levi sneers, still avoiding Erwin’s stare. “Still playing mascot, am I?”

“You’re being _worshiped_ , Levi. And it’s not about to stop anytime soon. You’re humanity’s new hero, surely you realize that by now?”

Lev glances at him. Erwin is still watching him, frowning. Careful.

“But I won’t ask you to come along if you don’t want to,” Erwin adds. “It’s your decision.”

“No.” Levi shakes his head. “No, it’s fine, I’ll come. Let the kids gawp. We need some new members, don’t we?” he adds, bitterness seeping into his voice.

Silence. Erwin’s mouth has gone thin, but it’s not frustration. Hasn’t been in years, just like Levi hasn’t really been blaming Erwin for any of the deaths since… Fuck knows when.

“Levi…” Erwin reaches for him, then seems to think better of it.

“Anything else?” Levi asks, stubbornly not looking at Erwin.

“Not from me, no. Unless there’s something you want to share?”

“No.” He pushes off the wall. “I’ll see you around, then,” he says as he starts walking.

“Will you?” Erwin asks.

Levi’s step falters for a moment. He doesn’t look back.

“You’re my boss,” he says flatly. “I take my orders from you. I don’t have much choice, do I?”

“Levi - ”

But he walks off before Erwin can finish.

***

_Levi!_

_Her fingers slip from his grasp, slick with rain. He can hear sobbing, see vague shapes moving in the distance but too obscure to make out. The blades break in his hands and someone backhands him and he lands face-down into a puddle of stinking water – get up, you worthless little runt – and he runs but his feet are slipping and he falls, his harness snapping and the ground coming at him at breakneck speed –_

He gasps. Blinks. Breathes in.

_Fuck_ , he’s sick of this.

He gets up to splash some water onto his face. It helps, but only a little. He leans his hands on the cabinet, bows his head.

Maybe he could go to Erwin again, ask for another expedition, or for permission to go outside alone - but Erwin would never consent to that.

Levi slams his fist down on the table in an attempt to let the pain wash away this fucking feeling of being lost, and ill at ease and vulnerable in a way he hasn’t in decades.

It doesn’t really work

He glances at his bed – sheets rumpled and stinking of fear-sweat – and gives up on it. Some fresh air, seeing the stars, that should help. Maybe he should go back to sleeping on the rooftops, like he used to do when he first joined.

He puts on his clothes and opens the door, then pauses. There are voices coming out of Erwin’s bedroom, too muted to understand. Levi waits in his doorway, the shadows hiding him from sight.

Then the door opens and Mette comes out. “Just – leave it, alright?” she says. “Worrying about it isn’t going to solve anything. Try to get some sleep, Erwin.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Erwin says from inside his room. “Night, Mette.”

“Night.” She closes the door and bows her head. She stays like that for a moment, hand leaning against the wall like she’s deeply tired and needs the support.

Then she straightens up, sighs, and raises her head, looking straight at him. “Hey, Levi.”

For a moment he freezes, caught out - then he shakes it off and steps out out of his hiding place. “You’re not half bad, are you?” he says, calmly.

“I didn’t get into the Survey Corps because of my pretty eyelashes, no.” She takes his arm and pulls him into his room. “Come on, let’s talk.”

“About?”

“Whatever it is that’s making you even more prickly than usual – and for you, that’s saying something.” She plops him down on his bed and sits next to him. “So?”

“What were you doing in Erwin’s room?” Levi asks.

“Talking. Or at least, attempting to.” She rubs her eyes. “He’s worried about you, you know.”

“I’m fine.”

“Yeah, sure.” She drops her hand into her lap. “Look, Levi, it’s honestly none of my business. But I’ve told you – ”

“The Corps suffers when Erwin and I are at odds? Yeah, I know. We’re not fighting.”

“Maybe not fighting, no. But…” She shrugs, and for the first time she looks a little awkward. “I don’t know what it is the two of you have, exactly. And I don’t need to know. But he cares about you, and he knows you well enough to see that there’s something wrong. Can you blame him for – ”

“I’m _fine_ ,” Levi says again, his voice coming out sharper than intended.

Mette gives him a long, patient, infuriatingly _kind_ look, and Levi looks away, gritting his teeth.

“Alright, maybe I’m not,” he admits. “But when am I ever? I can deal with this.”

“As long as you stay away from Erwin, right? ‘Cause then you – ”

“Then I what?”

She smiles, tired. “Dunno. You tell me. How come you’ve suddenly gone all surly and distant again after, what, two years of the two of you practically acting like an old married couple?”

He stands up and starts pacing. “I didn’t know you kept fucking tabs on me.”

“We don’t. It’s obvious, Levi. Anyone who knows you can see – ”

“What?” he sneers. “See that Erwin’s suffering from a bad case of blue balls? If he wants to get off he can find himself a fucking whore, like the rest of them.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

He falters, for a second, startled by the directness. “None of your fucking business. I told you, I can – ”

“- deal with it? Yeah, right. And how long are you still going to need? To _deal_? I mean, this has been going on for weeks and you still freeze up when Erwin comes into the room.”

“ _Why_?” he snaps. “What does it matter if I stay away from Erwin, if I don’t act all nice and fucking polite. I’m still fighting, right? I still do what he tells me to – ”

“You didn’t, actually.”

“That was just the once.” He glares at her. “This is my business and I don’t need anyone fucking else rooting around in it, got that?”

“Yeah, I get that. And normally we would respect that, Levi, but seriously.” She leans forward, frowning. “You look like you’re one good push away from breakdown, and I don’t think anyone’s ready to see you lose it.”

“I won’t,” he says, coldly.

She looks aside, chewing her lip. Then she looks back. “You’re not in the Underground anymore. There’s people you can trust, here. It’s not like – ”

Something cold, and furious and _violent_ screeches through him and he whirls on her and spits, “What the _fuck_ would you know about that?”

She scoots back, surprised, shocked.

He’s never seen her look shocked before.

“I didn’t mean...” Mette says, quietly.

“Then don’t fucking talk about things you don’t know shit about.”

She opens her mouth, closes it, then squares her jaw. “You’re right,” she says, with some heat. “I don’t know shit about it, and you know why? Because you fucking refuse to say anything about it. Four years you’ve been here, and I’ve never once heard you talk about – ”

“It’s not important, alright?” he says impatiently. “It’s private. It doesn’t matter.”

“How can you be so – of _course_ it fucking matters, Erwin is worried sick about you and all you do is grump around, snapping at everyone who comes close and – ”

“It _doesn’t. Matter._ Now get the fuck out.”

She stands up, angrier than he’s ever seen her. “Acknowledge what the fuck’s going on here, Levi.”

“What, that I don’t want to play happy fucking families with you?”

“You’re going to _break_ ,” she says, insistently. “Unless you stop being a stupid fucking child and deal with this.”

“I told you, I _am_ dealing – ”

“By fucking ignoring it? How’s that working out for you?”

_Just fine_ , he almost says, but he doesn’t.

Loathe though he is to admit it, she’s got a point.

“Yeah,” Mette says, tiredly. “Thought as much.” She grabs his shoulder. “Just – consider it, Levi, please. For all our sakes.”

“Consider what?”

“Gathering whatever it is that’s going on in that fucked-up little head of yours and taking it to Erwin. He’ll listen.”

“And that’ll help, will it?” he sneers.

“Have you tried it yet?”

He shakes her hand off and holds open the door for her. She gives him another look, then goes out.

He turns the key in the lock behind her and leans against the door for a moment. His shoulder tingles. Would Erwin have learnt it from her, that way of grabbing people’s attention?

Doesn’t matter.

_Take it to Erwin_. As if it’s that fucking easy.

He goes back to bed and resigns himself to some more nightmares.

***

They leave for the recruits' barracks a week later. It's a silent, surly ride there, Levi's neck prickling from Erwin watching him, but neither of them bothers saying anything.

They arrive early. Erwin goes off to have an informal chat with the other two Commanders, and since Levi _doesn’t_ _play well with others_ , in Erwin’s words, he goes off to explore the training grounds.

The trainee squads are still a source of interest to him. After all, if Erwin had been anyone else, Levi would have had to spend three years here, doing stupid predictable training exercises which are in no way a preparation for the real thing, walking the line and listening to some idiot of a drill sergeant... He would've snapped after his first week.

He lingers near the first-years, who are still only learning to balance in the harness. It reminds him of his own training, the way he’d had Farlan to help him get the gear on, wrong side up the first time. And how natural it felt, once he realized how it worked. Farlan and Isabel had needed months before they’d mastered it; all Levi needed was a day.

He goes past them and finds another squad, training in hand to hand. The trainer in charge is Shadis, and when he sees Levi looking he stumbles and almost falls. Fuckwit.

It’s insane to think that he used to be their leader. Levi’s _superior_ , doing Erwin’s job… He isn’t even fucking fit to wipe Erwin’s ass.

Levi looks away from Shadis and takes in the squad. A short, scrawny blond who still somehow manages to floor their two-heads-taller opponent, a dark-haired ball of rage having every attack intercepted by a tall redhead. And behind them…

He leans forward. They look familiar, which is absurd. The only faces he knows belong to people either dead or stuck Underground.

He snaps his fingers at a kid taking a break. “Who’s that?”

“Sir?” The kid, freckles covering most of their face, follows Levi’s pointing. “Her? You mean Mikasa?”

“Last name?”

“Ackerman.”

_Ackerman_.

Bile rises to his throat. He swallows – he can’t let anything show, can’t let them know, he needs to, to _keep quiet don’t make a noise don’t let them notice you –_

“Sir?” the kid asks, nervously.

“Get back.” Levi jerks his chin at the training ground and the kid hurries back to the fighting.

_Ackerman_.

There are others. He’d always known that there was a possibility, that their deaths weren’t certain, but he’d spent so much time running and hiding that he simply stopped caring. What reason did he have left to care?

He hasn’t been _Ackerman_ in decades.

“Levi.”

He straightens up and irons out his face. “Erwin?”

Erwin leans next to him against the fence. “The next generation?” he asks, nodding at the training kids. “They don’t look bad.”

In the distance, Mikasa Ackerman floors her opponent with three well-placed strikes, then straightens up with a serene kind of calm Levi knows extremely well. She looks up.

For a second, her eyes meet his.

“Yeah,” Levi says, staring. “Not bad at all.”

Erwin frowns at him. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah.” He pushes off and turns his back to the trainees. “Let’s go, Erwin. You’ve got a speech to make.”

“What’s – ”

“Fucking _leave it_ , Erwin, alright?”

Erwin falls into step beside him, but Levi can feel him frowning, worrying.

Fuck Erwin and his fucking perceptiveness.

***

They bring along thirty-five new recruits. It isn’t a record-breaking number, but still more than they used to get. Good thing they’ve got the new barracks cleaned up.

It’s already dark when they finally leave the training grounds, once the paperwork is finished and the new kids are all saddled up. Levi can feel them watching him all the way to the HQ, but even their collective stare is nothing compared to the way Erwin is eyeing him.

_\- Erwin is worried sick about you_ –

But he’s not fucking responsible for what Erwin does or doesn’t feel.

They arrive in the courtyard. Levi swings down from his horse. He can _feel_ the back of his mind rumbling with things he’s trying to suppress, like the tremble in the ground before a Titan appears.

_\- you’re going to break -_

Something wet touches his face. He blinks, confused, then looks up. Lightning flashes.

His blood runs cold. Out of all fucking times…

“Levi?” Erwin asks behind him.

“I’ll be in my room,” he says, then strides off without looking back, because even he isn’t sure if he can control the expression on his face right now.

***

The rain is clattering against the window.

Levi paces up and down, trying to calm down this stupid fucking instinctual reaction, to get himself under control again. It doesn’t work, just like it hasn’t worked the last few times.

It’s been _years_. He shouldn’t be this affected anymore. But it doesn’t rain often enough to get used to it and, and it’s…

He slams his hand against the wall and grits his teeth. It isn’t even memories at this point, just a general sense of panic and fear and urgency, a feeling he knows and hates and didn’t ever want to experience again, but he can’t shake it off. There’s no reason for it and it still doesn’t stop and he –

Someone knocks. “Levi?”

Levi opens the door but doesn’t let Erwin in. “Fuck off,” he says. “I’m not in the mood.”

“I thought as much.” Erwin pauses, then adds, “I could hear you pacing.”

“And?”

Erwin puts his hand on the door and tries to push it open. “I figured you could use some company.”

It’s tempting to just kick him out, like he’s done before. But right now he’ll take any distraction he can get, even Erwin and his unnerving presence, so he steps aside and lets him in.

Erwin takes the only chair Levi has in his bedroom and Levi continues pacing, feeling Erwin’s eyes on him.

“I don’t need you watching me,” Levi says irritably.

“I’m not here to check on you, Levi, I just thought…” Erwin shakes his head. “Aren’t you going to sleep at all?”

“Yes, probably, later. Once I’ve…” He puts his arms behind his back, fingers clenching into a fist.

“Once you’ve exhausted yourself?”

He turns on his heel and glares at Erwin. “I can’t sleep like this. The noise gets on my nerves.”

“Try, at least.”

“And you’re going to watch me while I toss and turn?” He sneers. “That’ll work.”

“Do you want me to stay?” Erwin asks carefully.

“I told you, I’m not in the – ”

“Just stay. No ulterior motives.”

He hesitates, then looks outside. The rain is still pelting down, with no immediate sign of stopping.

“Maybe it’ll help,” Erwin adds.

Levi runs his hand over his face. He shouldn’t, he should kick Erwin straight out, because even him just being here is already setting him on edge again, this strange just-beneath-the-surface snarling feral thing.

And at the same time there’s something inside of him that wants to - he can't even put a name to it, just that the thought of being alone right now makes his stomach turn. And Erwin...

“Fine,” Levi says. He turns his back to Erwin and quickly strips off, then gets into bed. A few moments later, Erwin joins him. True to his word, he doesn’t even touch Levi.

Levi closes his eyes. It’s strange, getting into bed together without sex to give them a reason. He can hear each one of Erwin’s slow deep breaths, the shift of the sheets as he rolls onto his back. Familiar sounds, safe sounds, sounds he’s come to associate with sleep, sex, peace.

Maybe, just maybe, this might work.

Erwin clears his throat. “At the recruits’ barracks, I was – I mean, do you want to talk about…”

“None of your fucking business.”

“Okay,” Erwin says simply. He pulls the sheets up and turns onto his side. “Night.”

Levi gives him a suspicious look, but Erwin has already closed his eyes again.

Then again, Erwin never pries, does he? He might have fought tooth and nail to get Levi to do what he wants, but when it comes to secrets, to Levi’s past… He never even asked. Or when he did ask, he dropped it immediately when Levi made clear he wasn’t interested in sharing.

Maybe Erwin just doesn’t care. But that’s hard to believe from their devoted commander, who is practically defined by his hunger for information of any kind.

Erwin moans quietly in his sleep. Levi turns onto his side and moves a little closer, not fully touching but close enough that he can feel Erwin’s warmth.

Last resorts. At this point, he’s willing to try anything.

He closes his eyes and tries to forget about screams and blood.

***

_Levi!_

_Her hand slips away from his and he spits blood on the ground, a kick hits him in the side and he rolls over, face-down in a puddle of mud and sewage. Someone yells, but his hands are chained and he can’t fight, can’t save them, and blood spouts from her neck and a hand grabs his face and forces him to watch – see, you little shit, this is what happens when you fuck up – and he bends double, entire body nothing but agony and the rain obscuring everything and everyone –_

He jolts awake. Alone, he’s alone, but the rain’s still going and there’s someone near – he grabs his knife and rolls over – they intercept him a strong hand slamming into his forearm and –

“ _Levi_.”

He blinks. Slowly everything comes back to him – the room, his own; Erwin beneath him, his arm trembling with the effort of blocking Levi’s attack; and the rain still rattling against the windows outside.

“Levi,” Erwin says again. “What’s – are you alright?”

He opens his mouth to speak, but no words come, and Erwin’s looking at him and –

He jumps off the bed and blindly pulls on some clothes, ignores Erwin’s concerned _Levi?_ and fucking _runs_ out of the room. Down the hallway, up the stairs, driven by nothing but a blind burning desire to get away, from everything.

He stumbles onto the rooftop. It’s still raining, the wetness soaking through his thin shirt, sticking his hair to his skull.

He breathes in. Forces himself to calm down.

It doesn’t really work. Everything is screaming at him to run from this place. He got in too deep, there’s no way out anymore, he’s stuck and when you’re stuck you’re dead, he’s known that since he was a kid.

He presses the heels of his hands into his eye sockets.

It’s panic. He’s just being stupid. It all happened way too long ago to still let it affect him now.

He takes a step closer to the edge of the building and looks down. It’s a forty-feet drop from here, and for a moment he vividly feels the snap of his broken harness again, and Erwin's fingers on his wrist and _Ackerman_ kicking against his memories like a fucking hornet’s nest, all just –

“ _Levi!_ ”

His head snaps up. Erwin steps out on the roof, holding his arm over his head in a futile attempt to keep the rain off his face.

Levi blinks the raindrops away.

Erwin takes his arm. “Are you – ”

Levi clocks him in the jaw. The force of it makes Erwin bend double, cursing and wiping the blood from his mouth.

With a huge wrenching effort of will Levi stops himself from attacking again. Breathe in, breathe out. He’s fucking better than this.

Erwin straightens up. “Let’s get back inside,” he says, voice barely audible over the rain.

Levi looks out over the city, the walls in the distance. _Fight_ , something inside him yells. _Run._

He turns abruptly and goes back in.

***

He strips off immediately once he’s back in his room, then takes a towel and tries to rub some life back into his chilled limbs.

Erwin comes in a few moments later. He follows Levi’s example, then gets back in bed, gathering the sheets around him.

Levi starts pacing.

“What’s wrong?” Erwin asks eventually.

“Nothing.”

“Levi…”

“Nightmares,” Levi grinds out. “Blame the weather.” He rubs his hands over his face. “Damn it.”

“It’s just rain,” Erwin says, puzzled.

He looks up. “Do you know what rain is Underground?” he says. “It’s a trickle. An occasional splash. Maybe a flood of sewage if the gutters on the upside overflow, but that’s it. I didn’t know what rain looked like before I joined.”

Erwin’s eyes widen in realization.

Levi continues pacing. Panic is still trying to strangle him, and it takes everything he has to fight it down, keep his breathing regular, heartbeat slow. And fucking Erwin is still fucking watching, witnessing every detail of Levi’s fucking breakdown like it’s a piece of fucking entertainment and he should just have –

“Levi.”

“What?” he snaps.

“Come back to bed.”

“Why, so you can cuddle me and kiss it all better? Don’t be a fucking – ”

“ _Levi_.”

He stops. “What?”

“Do you want a fight?” Erwin asks, calmly. “Would that make you feel better, being beaten up? Or you could run, I suppose, back to the Underground. Or climb over the walls, go on a Titan killing spree. Would that - ”

“ _Shut up_ ,” Levi snarls.

“No. Not until you tell me what you’re going to do.” He leans forward, eyes fixed on Levi.

Levi looks away, out of the window. There’s nothing to see, just the endless grey flicker of the rain, the occasional flash of lightning.

“Levi,” Erwin says calmly. “You’ve made your choice. You’re here to stay. So you might as well come to bed.”

Levi looks over his shoulder and sneers at Erwin. “You have no fucking clue, do you? What it’s like. What it’s always been like for me, you, with your schools and your friends and your _nannies_. Could’ve fucking wrapped you in cotton wool for all the – the danger you had to…”

“Then tell me. Make me understand.”

Levi looks back outside. It’s easier to bear than Erwin’s eyes, bright blue and too sharp.

Everything he has learned tells him to keep his secrets close, never to reveal anything that could be used against him. Even just the thought of opening up…

“I thought you respected my secrets,” Levi says.

“I do. I won’t force you to reveal anything you don’t want to, but - Levi, look at me.”

Levi turns his head, reluctantly. It’s hard to meet Erwin’s stare head-on.

“You’re breaking down over this,” Erwin says, gently. “Whatever it is.”

“I can handle it,” Levi snaps.

Erwin doesn’t reply, but even his silence sounds condescending. Levi curls his hand into a fist and looks outside again. Somewhere in the back of his mind a voice rasps _Levi, you idiot_ _boy, don’t be so fucking naïve_ , _do you want to be killed?_ and –

But why the fuck should Levi listen to _him_?

He clears his throat. “I don’t…”

“You don’t what?” Erwin says, encouragingly.

_\- you’re even more stupid than I thought, you little shit -_

Levi turns. “Fine. I’ll talk.”

Erwin holds out a hand and Levi goes back to the bed. He sits on the edge, keeping distance. “I…”

“Yes?”

“I don’t even know where to start,” Levi says.

“The nightmares?” Erwin suggests.

Levi huffs. “If I start there I’ll be talking the entire night.”

Silence. He _can’t_ , he can’t do this, can’t get the words to come. Even when he wants to, he’s still too fucked-up to just –

“Did you always live Underground?” Erwin tries again.

He could just say _no_ , tell Erwin he’s changed his mind, kick him out, go back to sleep. Retreat, safe, not baring anything…

_\- do you want to end up like your mother –_

Levi looks down, picking at the sheets. “I can’t remember,” he says.

Erwin stays silent. Listening, near, but not saying anything.

“I don’t – I remember her telling me to be careful. My mother. I remember being afraid, and – ” He clenches his hand. “I didn’t – I don’t know how old I was. I saw her hurt, saw her die, and I couldn’t – couldn’t do a thing. Couldn’t help her. Just watch. And – but the man I lived with afterwards was… He taught me. The things I know. Things that allowed me to survive.”

He falls silent. The rain is still clattering against the windows. He has to choke the words out, dredged up from somewhere deep.

“And one of those things…” he continues. “One of those things was never to let my guard down. Never be sure of safety, always be vigilant, always expect the worse. That’s the only way you can survive.  Except I forgot about that, didn’t I?” He clenches his fist. “I got complacent. Stupid. Putting my trust in – I shouldn’t have. I’ll never be safe.”

“That’s what this is about?”

“I don’t know.” He squeezes his eyes shut, breathes in deeply, anything to regain some measure of control. “It’s just –  I…”

“It’s alright, Levi.”

“Is it?” He turns to look at Erwin.

Erwin keeps looking. Calm, patient.

“I’ve stayed alive this long because I listened to my instincts,” Levi says, flatly. “And right now they’re telling me to either run away from here as far as I can, or murder you all in your sleep.”

“But why?”

“I don’t know, alright? This isn’t rational.” He leans his head on his hands.

“When did it start?”

Levi huffs, in sick bitter amusement. “It’s always been there, really. It’s just – got worse since my harness broke.”

Erwin stays silent for a while, then says, “If I crossed a line, did something you didn’t – I’m sorry about it, Levi.”

“No. That just - just made things clearer. It isn’t…” He trails off.

Erwin is still looking at him, frowning, careful, puzzled, much like he does when there’s a strategic problem he needs to solve, and that look…

Levi jumps up from the bed, but Erwin grabs his arm and yanks him back. On instinct Levi rolls on top of him and tries to get his hands around Erwin’s throat, but Erwin knocks his hands aside just in time for them to land on the mattress instead.

Erwin’s hands are still on his forearms, a hard tight grip that somehow doesn’t feel restricting. Levi breathes out. Erwin’s eyes are skipping between his, reading him, studying him, and it’s not –

“You’re afraid,” Erwin says.

“What?”

“That’s what this is, isn’t it? Fear?”

Levi glares at him. “Last time you accused me of being afraid I tried to cut your throat.”

“You’ve come a long way since then, Levi.” He squeezes Levi’s arms. “But – look at me.”

He does. It isn’t easy.

“Why?” Erwin asks. “What are you afraid of? Where’s the threat?”

“I _don’t know_.” He tries to pull away again, but Erwin hits the inside of his elbows and Levi loses support and crashes with his full weight down onto Erwin.

He could roll off again. Instead, he buries his face in Erwin’s neck and grabs his shoulders and fucking _clings_ to him, breathing in his scent, letting the steady beat of his heart wash over him in some desperate pathetic fucking attempt to just _calm down_.

Erwin doesn’t react. He just holds the back of Levi’s neck, his side. Not even stroking, just – holding.

“Did you trust him?” Erwin asks, after a while.

Levi doesn’t raise his head from Erwin’s shoulder. “Who?”

“The man you lived with.”

Levi laughs. It comes out sounding sick, twisted, and he vividly remembers the way Farlan had looked at him when he told him, the horror and the pity in his eyes. “No. He wasn’t – I listened to him because I had no choice. Because I needed him to survive.”

“Ah,” Erwin says.

Levi pushes up onto his elbows. Erwin looks composed as ever, thoughtful. Emphatically not horrified.

“And after him?” Erwin asks. “Anyone you did trust?”

“Farlan.” He looks away. “Kind of.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

Levi thinks it over, goes back to those early days when Farlan was just around, when Levi was still adjusting to having this whole other person in his life. “Not like this. But he was – he didn’t understand, not really.”

The _you do_ hangs between them, heavy and unsaid.

Erwin lets go of Levi’s arms. Levi gets off him and sits up against the headboard. “It’s just common sense, isn’t it?” he says, tiredly. “Being cautious. I used to – if I didn’t look out for myself all the time I was dead, simple as that.”

“That was then. It’s different now.” Erwin touches his arm. Levi winces, but doesn’t shake him off. “It’s no life, Levi. Continually having to look over your shoulder, always prepared for an attack, never at peace… It’s no way to live.”

“It’s the only way to live,” Levi says irritably.

“Not if you’ve got someone to watch your back for you.”

Levi stares at Erwin, doesn’t reply. What the fuck could he say to that, anyway?

“I wish you told me earlier, though,” Erwin says. “I would’ve understood better.”

Levi frowns. “What?”

“Just… Your disobedience from the start. Your desire for independence, your refusal to bow down. It makes much more sense now.”

“Does it.”

Erwin squeezes his shoulder. “Somewhat. I don’t need to know the details, Levi, but I’m glad that even after all you’ve endured, you’ve still found it in yourself to confide in me.”

Levi looks away again. “It doesn’t come easy.”

“I know.”

He runs his hands over his face, Erwin’s hand still on his shoulder. It helps, that one point of contact, and it shouldn’t, not after all this time he spent trying to avoid Erwin. “I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t be doing this,” he mutters. “I tried before, and look how that turned out.”

“We can never know for sure how it will go, Levi. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it'll just end in pain again.”

Levi looks up sharply.

“Or maybe it won’t,” Erwin finishes. “And right now? You are safe here, despite what you may think. I will make sure of that.”

“I don’t need protection,” Levi snaps.

“I wasn’t offering. Just… Someone at your back. Support.”

Levi looks away again. “I don’t need…”

“I know you don’t need it. But it helps. Doesn’t it?”

“It’s… handy,” he admits, reluctantly.

Erwin smiles and folds the covers back. Levi rolls his eyes at the motherish gesture but gets under the sheets all the same. Erwin obligingly moves over to the edge of the bed, giving him space.

For once, though, the distance feels wrong. Levi scoots a little closer and takes hold of Erwin’s wrist, Erwin's arm pressed against his. “You’re still an asshole, though.”

“I’m sure I am,” Erwin replies, voice warm with laughter.

Levi's fingers slide down and he takes Erwin’s hand. It's familiar by now, the calluses, the small scars, the shape of his palm. Reassuring, warm, solid.

Erwin gives his hand a squeeze.

“She…” Levi tries.

Erwin doesn’t say anything. Levi can hear him breathe, slow, steady. Listening.

Levi closes his eyes.

“Her name was Kushel.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next (and final!) chapter will hopefully be up somewhere in the next two weeks!


	7. never trust anyone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: gore, violence, suicidal ideations, character death, explicit sex, bondage, sadism/masochism, D/s, dubcon/noncon
> 
> (re: that last warning: this chapter contains a sex scene that's pretty heavy on violence and resistance. It's considered to be consensual but it can be read otherwise, so proceed with caution)

Erwin’s nails score deep tracks down Levi’s back. Levi bites down hard on Erwin’s lip, tastes blood. They rock together, legs tangled, pressed as close as they can.

 _Levi,_ the scream echoes in his mind.

He squeezes his eyes shut and leans his forehead against Erwin’s shoulder, breathing shallowly. No. Block it out. He doesn’t need this.

Something wet falls on his arm. Erwin is crying. Levi grabs a handful of hair and pulls him in for another kiss, tongue working clumsily between Erwin’s closed lips.

There are no words here. There were, earlier, ‘cause Erwin’s good at those, the speeches. The lies.

Levi angles Erwin’s head, kisses deeper. There’s salt on his tongue.

Bodies don’t lie.

He rocks his hips. Erwin grabs his waist, his arm encircling Levi. Levi leans into the embrace and tips his head back, relishing the skin-on-skin, the solidity of a whole living person pressed up against him, the rough wet friction and the hardness of bone and muscle.

 _Levi_ , a high piercing scream, and then that sickening slaughterhouse sound of a person being torn apart. Too late.

Not his fault. Not his death.

Erwin grabs Levi’s face, one hand on his neck, and kisses him like he never wants to let go again. Levi grunts and clutches at Erwin’s shoulders, taking no care for the wounds and the bruises, the way Erwin tenses in pain. Pain is good. Pain is easy.

Erwin is shaking.

 _Levi_ , Mette screams again, the sound cut short by Titan teeth.

Levi forces it down and kisses Erwin until he runs out of breath.

***

“One day, it’s just going to be you and me left, knee-deep in a field of corpses, and the Titans advancing in the distance.”

The stars are still out at this hour, unclouded and bright, a mass of sharp clear pinpoints littering the sky. It’s just bright enough to see Erwin as a composition of light and shadows, different shades of grey fading into each other.

Levi looks away, silent.

They’ve all lost people. Only Nanaba is left of the original thirteen new recruits that made up Levi’s first squad, and he felt the deaths of each one of them. And that’s not even going into the members of his special ops squad, dying and replaced and dying again, or all the others, the people he trained with, fought with...

There’s only so much grief one person can carry, though, and Levi has been grieving since he was a toddler. He’s grown numb with it.

But Erwin…

“Do you know how many deaths we’ve had lately?” Erwin continues. “We lose dozens of men with each expedition. More than half of the new recruits are dead before their first year is up. I’ve lost count of all the condolence letters I’ve had to write, how many funerals I’ve seen, and it’s still… We can’t keep up. We just keep _dying_.”

“So would you rather we huddle behind our walls and do nothing?” Levi asks. “Be safe, until another Aberrant comes in to smash in the gates and eat us all alive?”

“No.” Erwin folds his hands and looks down over the battlements. They’re at the highest point of the fortifications around the HQ, at least forty feet up, and for a moment Levi wonders if Erwin is considering jumping. “But what if we’re doing this wrong? What if there’s another way, a better way, and the only reason we haven’t found it yet is our incompetence and short-sightedness? What if I’ve made a mistake, and because of that people have – ”

“We can never know everything.”

Erwin looks aside, as if he only now really realizes Levi is there.

“You taught me that,” Levi says. “And I believed you. Don’t tell me you don’t believe it yourself.”

“I do.” Erwin looks back at the city below. “There’s no point in looking back on things that can’t be changed, other than to learn from our mistakes. But…”

“But?” Levi asks.

Erwin bows his head. “I’d known her since I was a child.”

Levi thinks of Farlan, his wide grin and the teasing light in his eyes and the way he softened when it was just them. And Isabel and her enthusiastic screeching and her big-brother worship.

And his mother, the smell of rose water and the sound of her laughter, rare and all the more precious for it.

“They give us strength,” Levi says. “Their deaths. That way they aren’t meaningless, if we let them be a source of strength for us.”

Erwin looks up again. He shakes his head, slowly. “You’ve changed so much. I barely recognize the thug I found on the streets, focused on nothing but surviving.”

“I found out the world is bigger than that.”

“Is it?” Erwin straightens up. “Isn’t survival all there is, in the end?”

“No,” Levi says coldly. “It isn’t.”

Erwin looks at him, fingers drifting to his collarbone and the marks Levi left there before they got up. Beneath Levi’s shirt, the deep scratches left by Erwin’s nails burn as if in sympathy.

Then Erwin shakes his head and goes back inside. Levi follows, immediately behind.

Used to be that they were careful about this thing, make sure they didn’t leave a bedroom together, that there were always a few paces between them, or that they had some excuse ready should anyone ask questions. These days, neither of them cares who sees them together, even disheveled and half-dressed.

Not anymore.

***

The mission hadn’t been a success - the outpost they’d spent three expeditions on building had been trampled to the ground, all efforts wasted, and they had to retreat knowing they’d have to start all over - but it hadn’t been a disaster either. The relay system worked perfectly, the orders had been clear and efficient, and the different squads worked together without a hitch. The Survey Corps at its finest, even when Titans swarm in by the dozen.

But people still died. They always do.

Levi stares down at Meryl’s empty bunk, her few meager possessions gathered in a box. They haven’t been collected yet. He vaguely remembers her talking about her family, how they’d all gone beyond the walls on that fucking _mission to retake the wall._ The genocide. All her relatives, swept off the face of the earth in one fell swoop.

She’d been in the Corps for more than fifteen years. Fellow soldiers were the only family she had left, and they don’t collect keepsakes of their dead comrades. If they did, they’d run out of space before the year is out.

Levi closes his eyes. He should start looking for a replacement, but _fuck_ , he’s sick of this. Sick of selecting people, knowing for certain he’s condemning them to certain death; sick of the look in the eyes of the rest of the squad, trying and failing to see the newcomer as a poor replacement of their fallen friend; sick of the joy and the honor which always shows up when he recruits someone, when it’s all just a bloody fucking mess.

Maybe he should just leave it like this, see what happens when they work with a smaller squad. He almost lost oversight during the last expedition, all six of them working independently on different parts of the battlefield. Maybe five would be more manageable. If he can adapt some of the manoeuvres, find a new way of collaborating...

“Sir?”

 He looks up. Nanaba is standing next to him, a strange expression on their face.

“Yes?” he says, curtly.

“Could I – can I have a word?

He turns to face them and folds his arms. “What is it?”

“I would...” A deep breath. “I’d like to leave your squad.”

He doesn’t reply. Nanaba winces, looking miserable.

“I....” they try again, when he still doesn’t say anything. “Last expedition, I… did you notice?”

“Yes.”

Nanaba smiles, a little rueful. “Of course you did. I just thought – you didn’t mention anything.”

Levi shrugs. “You’ve never ignored an order before, so I assumed it was just a one-off. It happens. It’s only a problem when it keeps happening,” he adds, with a sharp look.

“Yeah. That’s it, sir. I _know_ it’s going to happen again.”

Levi sighs and rubs his eyes.

It had been a small thing, Nanaba’s slip. All they had done was ignore one order out of many, choosing to rush after a trapped kid instead of going where Levi told them to. Sure, Nanaba and the kid had nearly been killed, but Levi got there just in time. It turned out fine. Nothing had happened besides a moment of pantswetting fear.

Nothing to justify a sudden dive in self-confidence.

“The squad… It used to be this – adventure.” Nanaba picks at the hem of their sleeve. “Heroic. Rebellious. I’d take down a Titan and feel like – like I was on top of the world. But…”

Levi looks away. They don’t have to elaborate.

_\- Rani, smashed against a wall and sliding down in a broken, groaning heap, taking far far too long to die –_

_\- Meryl, screaming when she was taken, afterwards nothing left but her leg –_

“So you’re letting their deaths impact your judgement?” he asks, flatly.

“Yes.” Nanaba looks down, ashamed. “I tried not to, sir, honestly, but… I’ve been thinking. And – my instincts, when I go out? They’re to protect people. If I can choose between trying to help someone out and taking down a Titan, I won’t just – I mean, if I see someone else in danger, someone I could save…” They peek up. “Sorry. That doesn’t make much sense, does it?”

“Did you hear about Ness?” Levi says.

“Sir?” Nanaba asks, surprised.

“Erwin is giving him a new position, pulling him from the center and putting him on the outer flank. Meaning he needs someone else to keep watch over the recruits when we go out.” He pauses, studying Nanaba’s pale face. “I’ll tell him to pick you. If you want.”

They open their mouth. Close it again.

“You’re good with recruits,” Levi says. “You’re coolheaded enough to counter their inevitable hysteria, and your protective instincts will only be an asset there, the way they won’t be with me.”

Nanaba gives a tiny nod. They look stunned.

“But you don’t have to. I’m not kicking you out. If you leave, it’s your choice.”

They blink. “You – you’re not disappointed? Angry?”

“Why would I be?”

“I thought…” They looks down.

Levi clucks his tongue. “If all soldiers had as much insight as you, we probably would have defeated the Titans five years ago. So, no, I’m not disappointed in you.” He grabs their shoulder. “I’ll have a word with Erwin, but you’ll have to tell the rest.”

“Yessir.” They smile, a little shakily. “Thank you, sir.”

He gives them a little push. “Go, then. Get it over with.”

They salute and leave, still looking faintly surprised.

Levi sits down heavily on Meryl’s bed, and tries to convince himself this is a good thing. Nanaba will do great in their new position. They’ll still be around even if they aren’t part of the squad anymore, they’re not disappearing into thin air. And above all, they’ll be safe. Safer. It’s _good_ , both for Nanaba and for his squad.

It still feels like a loss.

Levi kicks Meryl’s box aside, then gets up and goes out. Mike is leaning against the wall outside, chewing on a sprig of something which he spits out when he spots Levi.

“What did you say to Nanaba?” Mike asks.

Levi raises his eyebrows. “Is that any business of yours?”

Mike shrugs, looking - uncharacteristically - a little awkward. “They told me they wanted to talk to you.”

Levi studies him, head held to one side. Now he thinks of it, he’s seen Mike and Nanaba hang around each other relatively often these last few days. Not that he can blame either of them for finding comfort wherever they can find it, not after what they’ve been through.

Mike had been Mette’s oldest friend, Erwin excepted.

“Told ‘em they’re free to leave my squad,” Levi says, “and that I’d recommend them to Erwin as new supervisor for the recruits.”

Mike makes a sound of surprise.

“Don’t approve?” Levi asks.

“Not my place to approve or disapprove. But yeah. It’s…” Mike gives him a long look. “It’s a good decision. Did Erwin suggest it?”

“No.” Levi clucks his tongue in irritation. “I do have the occasional idea of my own, you know.”

Mike snorts. “Yeah, but usually it’s more like _go for the eyes_ or _surround the fucker_. Not people management.”

“I’ve picked up some things from Erwin over the years,” Levi says. “Anyway, speaking of the old bastard… In his office?”

“Probably.” A brief, dark look crosses Mike’s face. “He’s barely been out of there.”

Levi opens his mouth to reply, then pauses, suddenly struck by a strange case of vertigo. But why, why does this feel so -

And then it hits him. Talking about Erwin's wellbeing behind his back is nothing new, they used to do that all the time, but usually it was Mette who instigated, who knew Erwin's mood best, who picked up the signs. This, just the two of them... It feels deeply  _wrong_.

He shakes off his unease. "So?"

“Erwin locks himself up when he’s struggling with stuff.” Mike tilts his head. “You know that. Probably better than most.”

“Can you blame him for wanting some privacy?” Levi says. “Let him have his peace.”

“I think it’s more than that.”

“Hm.” Levi looks up at the main building. “Well, I’m going up, so I’ll know soon enough what’s going on.”

Mike gives him a slight smile. “Gonna try and cheer him up?”

“Distract him, at the very least. And speaking of...” Levi claps Mike on the shoulder. “Nanaba’s telling the rest about their decision. It’s gonna be emotional. Prepare to be cried on afterwards.”

“Fuck off,” Mike says, good-naturedly.

Levi gives him a wave and goes up to Erwin’s office.

***

“Morning, Levi,” Erwin says, when Levi comes in. As usual he doesn’t even look up from his work and just somehow _senses_ it’s Levi instead of someone else.

“Morning.” Levi closes the door. “Found you a new babysitter.”

Erwin looks off in the middle distance for a moment. “A…” He blinks, then looks up at Levi. “I’m assuming you mean a new overseer for the recruits?”

“That’s what I said.”

Erwin returns to his documents. “Who?”

“Nanaba.”

A quick glance. “You’re alright giving them up?”

“They want to go. And they’ll be better there than with me.”

“Alright.” Erwin pulls another document to him and scribbles something on it. “You’ll need to find two new people, then?”

“In theory, yeah, but I’m thinking about slimming down the squad.” He leans back against the door, arms crossed. “Six is too many to keep track of during battle, and I’d like to start working a little tighter, leaving less to their initiative.”

“Don’t trust them to make their own decisions?” Erwin asks, casually.

“I just trust my own experience more,” Levi says, not rising to the jab.

“Alright. If you think it’s best.” Erwin scrabbles something on the bottom of a page, then leans back and stretches.

He’s looking tired. From this close it’s painfully obvious, the dark circles underneath his eyes, the lines on his face. Exhausted, and he has no reason to be. Things have been quiet ever since they got back.

Maybe Mike has got a point.

“You look like you haven’t slept in days,” Levi says.

Erwin rubs his forehead and slumps forward in his chair. “Feels that way too,” he mutters.

“Why? Something keeping you up?”

Erwin doesn't react.

Levi locks the door behind him, then goes over to Erwin’s side of the desk and leans against it, next to the chair. He reaches out and puts his hand on the back of Erwin’s neck, feeling the stiffness of tendons and muscle. Erwin tilts his head back, leaning into the touch, eyes closed. Levi moves his thumb, gently stroking the base of Erwin’s skull.

Then Erwin pulls away.

“I can’t, sorry,” he says, a little stiffly. “I have work.”

“ _What_ work?” Levi says irritably. “You always have work, that’s never prevented you from taking a break. And you look like you fucking need one. Or several.”

“I can’t afford to,” Erwin says.

“What’s different now? Are you running behind, is that it?” Levi pulls a map to him. Usually it’s covered in arrows, dotted lines denoting zones and routes, all the preparations for the next expedition.

Now, it’s blank.

Levi glances up at Erwin. “You haven’t even started yet?”

“Not yet.” Erwin looks at his documents. “I don’t - I mean, I need more time.”

“For _what_?” Levi asks, baffled. “You've had more than a week. What are you waiting for?”

“I’m not going to act before I have all the information I need,” Erwin says, avoiding Levi’s eyes.

“Why?” Levi asks. “What information?”

“It’s complicated, Levi, it’s not something you - ”

“Politics? Are they screwing with the budget again? ”

“No.” Erwin looks away. “Like I said, it's more complicated than the usual political games.”

“Then what? What can possibly be so important that it interferes with a whole fucking campaign? Erwin - ”

“That’s _enough_.”

Levi stops, surprised. It’s been ages since he last heard Erwin’s commander’s tones directed at him. There’s just never been a need, not anymore.

Erwin rubs his eyes, head bent. But he doesn’t take it back.

“Right,” Levi says coldly. “Got it. Unless there’s anything else…” He stands up.

“There is, actually.”

Levi pauses. Erwin is looking up at him, and there’s something sharp in his eyes now, something focused. Like he’s cataloguing every little sign or tell that shows up on Levi’s face, and it’s making him edgy.

Even after all these years, it’s still not entirely comfortable, being the object under Erwin’s scrutiny.

Levi sits back down and raises his chin. “What?”

“There’s…” Erwin says, slowly. “There’s something I want you to hear from me, rather than a random bypasser or someone else who might - ”

“ _What_ , Erwin?” Levi snaps.

“Nicholas Lobov has been set free.”

It takes a moment before the words sink in. Before he can attach meaning to that sentence.

Lobov.

 _Free_.

“He was sentenced to ten years imprisonment, but good behavior and influential friends got him out after six,” Erwin continues. “He’s already working his way up again. His name has been disgraced, of course, but I doubt he’ll let that stop him. He’s a resourceful man.”

“Resourceful?” Levi says softly.

Erwin puts his hand on Levi’s thigh. “I want you to leave him alone.”

-  _we'll wait it out and get him afterwards, I swear, it'll all work out fine -_

Levi slowly shakes his head.

“It’s not _safe_ , Levi."

“You think I give a fuck about safety?” Levi says. His voice still sounds calm. Odd, because he definitely doesn’t feel calm.

“You do, yes. Because you know how vital your presence is for the survival of the Corps and wouldn’t risk that for a personal vendetta.”

Levi looks at him. “Wouldn’t I?”

“Levi.” Erwin squeezes his leg. “See the risk. Even you can’t get away with murder. If you get caught - ”

He stands up, dislodging Erwin’s hand, and goes to the window. “I won’t get caught,” he says flatly.

“You can’t know that for sure.”

“I _don’t_ get caught.” Levi gives Erwin a cold look. “You think this is the first time I’ve done something like this?”

“You were a thief, not an assassin,” Erwin says. “And you only ever worked in the Underground, not in the city. Lobov lives within Wall Sina, Levi. The place is crawling with Military Police.”

“I can - ”

“I can’t be one hundred percent sure you’ll be safe,” Erwin says. “So I don’t want you to go.”

“I’m not letting him get away,” Levi says, and his voice is starting to break but he can't hold it in, can't control it. “You can’t stop me.”

“No.” Erwin gives him a tired smile. “I know. I’m not ordering, I’m asking. Asking you to tru-” He cuts himself off, breathes in. “To leave this with me. One month, no more. After that you’re free to do what you want.”

Levi looks down, hand curled into a fist.

“Please,” Erwin adds, softly.

\- _you just gotta trust me, everything will work out, I swear -_

Levi breathes in deeply, then gives Erwin a reluctant nod. “A month. Not a day longer.”

“Thank you.” Erwin runs his hand over his eyes. “I’m sorry, I know how hard this must be for you.”

Levi whirls, furious - the fucking patronising tone, Erwin's fucking _presumption -_  and snarls, “You’ve got no fucking _clue_ what it’s like, what it feels when you lose someone who - ”

And he stops, abruptly.

He shouldn’t have said it. He should have controlled himself, because the pain that quickly crosses Erwin’s face is intense enough that just seeing it already feels like a breach of privacy. 

Of course Erwin fucking knows what it's like.

Levi looks away. “A month,” he says. “And you’d better start drawing up some expedition plans as well, because I hate sitting here doing nothing.”

“I’ll let you know when I’ve made my decision,” Erwin says. He sounds calm again, businesslike, but his _face_...

Levi goes to the door, then hesitates. He turns. “Erwin?”

“Yes?” Eyes on his documents, fingers tight on his pen. Struggling.

“Don’t leave it too long. This waiting thing, I mean.”

That gets him a quick glance.

“We need you,” Levi says.

But before Erwin can reply to that, he’s out the door again.

***

Erwin doesn’t snap out of it.

Fuck knows what he’s doing in his office, but he barely leaves it. He’s even stopped his bi-weekly tradition of joining the training; the most the Corps gets now is their Commander observing from the sidelines, a stony look on his face, not a word to spare. Staring at all of them like they’re enemies he needs to take down.

It isn’t like him. Sure, Erwin has gone obsessed with work before, but that was mostly because of Levi being a shit in some way and avoidance being Erwin’s only solution, and that’s not what’s happening here. As far as Levi’s aware, he’s fucked up nothing to justify Erwin’s sudden isolation. And Erwin’s _work_ , whatever it is, isn’t leading to anything tangible either. A month since the last expedition and they still don’t even have the start of a plan.

It’s unnerving.

“He’s locking us out,” Hange says, that night at the dinner table. It's just them, Mike, and Levi; Erwin hardly ever comes down to eat anymore.

“Maybe,” Levi says. “But Erwin has never exactly been the _talkative_ type, has he?”

“This is different,” Mike says. “You know it is.”

Levi’s eyes fall automatically on the fourth chair, empty, and he has to force himself to look away again. He can’t dwell. He’ll only lose himself in regret, and he can’t afford that, not now, not ever.

Hange taps their fingers on the table. “You know what this reminds me of?”

“What?

“When he was still Captain.” They nod at Levi. “You know, just before he recruited you.”

“I wouldn’t know that, now, would I,” Levi says irritably, but Mike hums, thoughtfully.

“You’re right,” he says. “He kept disappearing.”

“Yeah, and then he went out one evening and he came back and he just – he was a changed man. Even we could see it.”

Mike smiles, eyes on the past. “ _I think I may have found a solution for all our problems_. That’s what he said, nothing more. Just wanted me to follow without question.”

Levi huffs. “So that’s your answer? Wait until he goes out one evening to blackmail another street thug into joining?”

“Maybe he’ll find someone new.” Hange grins at him. “Wouldn’t like that, would you, someone else being _humanity’s strongest?_ ”

“Honestly, he could recruit an entire army of Underground thugs and I wouldn’t give a shit, as long as it stopped him fucking brooding _._ ”

They all sit back, in silence.

“Maybe he’s just grieving?” Hange suggests carefully.

“Yeah, he’s grieving. But...” Mike shakes his head. “He’s grieved before. It didn’t hit him like this has.”

Hange bites their lip. “Do you… do you think he’s losing faith?”

“Erwin?” Levi huffs. “Erwin Smith, losing faith? Both walls could fall and Erwin would still somehow rally the remains of humanity to him in one mad last charge. The man’s a rock.”

“Yeah, but…” Hange eyes the empty chair.

_\- one day, it’s just going to be you and me left –_

Levi shakes his head. “Look, there’s nothing we can do about it. I’m sure he’ll snap out of it eventually. He’s just – planning, probably.”

Mike gives him a look. Hange cocks their head.

“What?” Levi says defensively.

Hange smiles. “You really trust him a lot, don’t you?”

“Fuck off.” He pushes his chair back. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the training grounds.”

“Say hi to Petra from me.”

Levi ignores Hange’s suggestive wink and turns to Mike. “Talk to him. Maybe you can get through to him.”

“And you?” Mike asks.

Levi gives him a grim smile. “I’m not the talking kind.”

***

Levi’s back hits the door hard enough to knock the breath out of him, but before he can even think about complaining Erwin is on him again, fingers digging into his neck and his mouth urgent and greedy against his.

Levi pulls him off to gulp in some air and Erwin promptly goes down to his knees. Levi’s head thuds back against the door as Erwin pulls Levi’s pants down, hurried and – no, that’s more than just hurried, that’s _desperate_.

Erwin takes him into his mouth and Levi grasps the back of Erwin’s head, looks down. He can’t make out much of Erwin’s expression from this angle, not that he needs to. Everything about Erwin just _screams_ desperate urgency.

Erwin digs his fingers into Levi’s ass and swallows around his cock. The back of Levi’s head hits the door again and he squeezes his eyes shut.

Fuck it. Fuck the worry and the doubt – right now there’s this, and that’s enough.

Erwin’s long fingers wrap around Levi’s cock and he sucks hard at the head. Levi clenches his teeth, looks down. Erwin is looking up. Their eyes meet.

And then Erwin closes his eyes again and he takes Levi deep, wet lips sliding rhythmically up and down, quick, hard. Levi pulls at Erwin’s hair and thrusts his hips. He tries not to – he’s been on the receiving end once too many to know how fucking annoying that can get – but it’s hard to just stay still when Erwin is giving him what right now feels like the best blowjob of his life.

Erwin does – something, sucks harder. Levi grabs the back of Erwin’s head, careful not to pull too hard on his hair, and his hips jerk and he comes, teeth buried in his bottom lip to keep quiet.

Erwin swallows, then leans back and licks his lips, something oddly vulnerable about his expression.

It’s weird, really. On all other fronts Erwin has closed down completely, losing the last bit of humanity he had left and instead becoming reticent, constantly in leader-mode, never even a sign of the person beneath it all. Only in the bedroom does he stop being the fucking _commander_.

Levi tugs him back up and kisses him. Erwin leans in, one hand careful on Levi's face, the other hovering uncertainly over his waist. It's... unusually gentle, by Erwin's standards. Sure, Erwin'd had his period of sexual hesitancy, in those early days when all this was still relatively new to him, but they've been fucking for years now. Erwin knows what he's doing, knows what Levi likes and what he likes and how to ask for it when he wants it. So this? It's not uncertainty. It's got to be something else.

A plea.

Levi grabs Erwin’s shirtfront and hauls him around, then shoves him hard against the door and pins his wrists down. “This what you want?” he snarls.

Erwin doesn’t reply, eyes squeezed shut, and for one sickening moment Levi thinks he may have misjudged. But then he nods. Tightly and almost pained-looking, but still. That’s a _yes_.

Levi leans close, presses his hip up between Erwin’s legs and bites down on his collarbone. Erwin shivers, and some subtle tension seems to leave him.

Just because he’s held down. The commander has well and truly left the fucking building.

Levi works his way up Erwin’s throat and jaw, the day’s worth of stubble rough against his lips. Erwin tries to reach out but Levi slams his wrist back before he can get anywhere. Erwin shivers and Levi has to close his eyes for a second. Fuck, Erwin must be far gone, if he's that affected.

Levi digs his fingers in against the tendons of Erwin’s wrists and keeps him pressed against the door, his hip still rubbing slowly against Erwin’s hard cock. Which is good, great, especially with the little noises Erwin keeps making, but it means he needs both hands, and he’s not tall enough to keep Erwin’s wrists over his head.

So he hooks his foot behind Erwin’s knee and tackles him to the floor.

Erwin lands hard, completely blindsided. Levi is on him before he can recover, grabbing his wrists in one hand. He takes the straps of Erwin’s harness with the other, right at his hips, and pulls them tight against Erwin’s crotch. Erwin gasps, throws his head back, and Levi bites down hard at the side of his throat and –

“Wait, you – _stop_.”

Levi freezes.

Nothing else comes. He lets go of Erwin and sits up. Erwin sits up as well, one hand over his face. Not shaking, not particularly tense. Just… locked off.

Levi leans his chin on his knee and waits it out, slightly on edge. Sure, it isn't the first time something like this has happened, but usually it's Levi who breaks it off, struggling with memories or random thoughts or urges he doesn't want to give way to. Erwin... Sometimes he falters when he gets tired or changes his mind, and sometimes he turns Levi down before they even start, but this? This almost panicked reaction?

This is new.

After a while, Erwin slides off his hand and gives him a tired smile. “Sorry.”

Levi just shrugs.

“It wasn’t your fault, in case you -”

“I didn’t. Stop worrying.” Levi raises his eyebrows. “It’d be pretty fucking hypocritical if I got annoyed about this, wouldn’t it?”

Erwin looks down, still oddly blank-looking. Then he gets up again, one hand leaning against the door, the other on his back. He winces. “Ow.”

“Are you alright?” Levi asks.

Erwin smiles, wryly. “Physically or…?”

“Both.”

“Just some bruises. And… Well, not particularly, no.” He sighs and runs his hand over his face. “It’s…”

“You don’t need to explain.”

Erwin gives him a quick look. “Don’t I?”

For a second it’s tempting to push. Erwin right now is about as vulnerable and open as he ever gets; if Levi wants an answer now would be the best time to try. But… Fuck it, Erwin has never been anything but respectful of Levi’s secrets, his privacy. Shouldn’t he return that favor?

“No, you don’t,” Levi says. He hops up. “Want to try again, or should I fuck off?”

Erwin holds out his hand in silent reply. Levi steps in close, nuzzling beneath Erwin’s jaw – soap and sweat, the scent of his hair. At least this part doesn’t change.

He works his hand beneath Erwin’s shirt and scratches his nails down Erwin’s chest. Erwin grabs his neck and pulls him up into a kiss, which means he has to go on tiptoe and Erwin is bent over – _fucking_ height difference.

“Bed?” Levi asks.

Erwin shakes his head.

 _Why the fuck not_ , he almost asks, but that would be breaking the unwritten rules of this thing, so instead he just goes back to the side of Erwin’s throat. He pulls Erwin’s belt loose and digs his hand into his pants – no reaction other than a sudden tension appearing, a small noise, barely there. And, obviously, Erwin’s hard cock against his palm.

He often does this, Erwin, going quiet and wordless when he’s getting fucked.  It used to unnerve Levi, made him worry if Erwin was just putting up with all this for Levi’s sake. But it’s just – like he doesn’t trust himself to talk.

Whatever reason he has, Levi is not about to force him.

He rubs his thumb over Erwin’s nipple, bites down hard at his collarbone, and keeps moving his hand in a hurried frantic pace. Erwin grabs hold of Levi’s shoulders, fingers digging in like he’s afraid of falling. He leans his head back, lips pressed tightly together, eyes squeezed shut. His breathing has sped up, coming in sharp quick bursts…

And he grabs Levi’s wrist and pulls him away.

Levi takes a deep breath. “Should we stop?”

Erwin shakes his head, then slips away from Levi and goes to the bedside table. Levi turns, leans back against the door and watches, bemused, as Erwin scrounges up a bottle of oil.

“You or me?” Levi asks.

“You.” Erwin comes back and drops unceremoniously to his knees. He tugs Levi’s pants off and lifts Levi’s leg over his shoulder.

He’s gone quiet again, intent. Almost intimidating. Fuck knows what’s going through his head right now.

Erwin works a finger in and Levi grunts. He’s being careful and slow, as usual - he likes taking his time for sex, Erwin. It’s about as fun as it is frustrating, and more often than not Levi pulls Erwin off or kicks him or finds some other way to urge him on.

Not now, though.

The pressure increases, another finger joining the first. Erwin leans his cheek against the inside Levi’s thigh, eyes closed and his other hand warm against Levi’s ribcage. He curls his fingers, pressing up, and Levi curses and almost loses balance. Only Erwin’s steady hand on his side keeps him from falling.

Levi tips his head back and just _breathes_. Let Erwin take what he needs. Even if what Erwin needs is _him_.

Erwin makes a small sound. He turns his wrist, fingers doing - something, something _good_ , and Levi bites his lip, breathes in sharply. Damn him.

Erwin twists his fingers one last time, then pulls his hand back and wipes it absently on his shirt.

“Sure you wouldn’t rather do this in the bed?” Levi asks, slightly breathless.

Erwin straightens up again and without pausing grabs Levi’s legs and hoists him up. Levi wraps his arms around Erwin’s shoulders, muscles tense, trying to find his balance. “That’s - that’s a no, then?” he gasps.

Erwin lets go of Levi’s leg to pull down his pants, and Levi grunts at the effort of keeping up all by himself, curled tight around Erwin, like a vine around a tree. Erwin is struggling as well, mouth tight with the effort - Levi may be short, but he’s not exactly a lightweight either. He tightens his hold on Erwin’s shoulders, feeling the muscle tight and trembling and  _fuck_ , Erwin is strong. He always kind of forgets that.

Once Erwin’s cock is free, his hand comes back to Levi’s thigh, and he tilts his hips and lifts Levi’s ass, and Levi arches his back and Erwin enters him in one slow thrust.

Levi groans. Erwin adjusts his grip and starts fucking him, as slow and deep as he can in this position. Levi digs his nails in Erwin’s shoulders and neck, safely held up. It's still too soon after the first time to really get off on this, but it's still really fucking  _nice_ \- if for nothing else than for Erwin's face, ecstatic and almost pained-looking.

But he's still being weird, silent even by his standards and moving slowly, even though he's shaking from more than just the effort of keeping Levi up. He must be dying to come but he doesn't give in, doesn't lose control and doesn't speed up and just keeps fucking, eyes fixed on Levi and mouth slightly open.

Then he lets go off Levi's leg again. Levi grunts, gripping Erwin's waist with his thighs in an attempt not to slide down. Erwin grabs Levi's jaw as if he's going for a kiss and Levi closes his eyes, opens his mouth.

Nothing happens.

He cracks one eye open. Erwin is staring at him, his grip on Levi's face too hard, uncomfortable. He looks weird, almost insecure. 

" _What_ ," Levi snarls.

Erwin blinks, opens his mouth as if he wants to say something, closes it again.

And then he  _finally_ snaps out of it. He drops his hand and hoists Levi up again and smashes his mouth against Levi's, kissing him with as much desperation as he sucked Levi's cock. His pace picks up, movements becoming irregular and his hold on Levi's thighs hard and painful.

Levi scratches his nails down Erwin's nape, kissing back, trying to match Erwin's heat. Erwin's movement goes frantic, and then he shudders and comes with a grunt, practically the first real sound he’s made.

He leans forward, squashing Levi between his bulk and the wall and panting in Levi’s ear, and slowly loosens his grip on Levi’s thighs. Probably left bruises - not that it matters. It wouldn't exactly be the first time.

Levi pats Erwin’s shoulder. Erwin mumbles something, pulls out, and carefully lowers Levi back to the ground.

“Do you…” Erwin asks, still breathless, hand reaching down to Levi’s cock.

“No, I’m good.”

Levi’s arms are still around Erwin. Erwin leans into the embrace, breathes out deeply. His cheeks are flushed, eyes dark. It’s a good look on him.

Levi gives him a soft push. Erwin obediently takes a step back, but he stumbles and Levi has to grab his shoulder to stop him from falling.

“That bad?” Levi asks, eyebrow raised.

Erwin shakes Levi’s arm off and straightens up with a deep breath. “I’m fine.”

Levi leaves him be and goes to the bed while Erwin staggers around the bedroom being stubborn. He flops down on the mattress, then pushes up onto his elbows, studying Erwin.

There’s nothing there he can read. Not on Erwin’s face, not in his body language, not in his actions. Now the sex is over he's gone straight back to his usual, cold and controlled and silent. It's disturbing, because Erwin's face, and the way he shook and how he looked at Levi, open and vulnerable and almost scared, if that's what hiding beneath Erwin's mask...

Maybe he should have pushed for an answer, after all. 

Levi falls back on the mattress and puts his hands over his face. It’s _tiring_ , this secrecy. He’s used to working with Erwin, knowing roughly what he's doing and thinking so he can adjust his own actions accordingly. This new silent thing - it feels like stepping into a fight without cover, being vulnerable to attack. Like he has a blind spot he’s unable to protect.

Which reminds him...

“How’s Lobov coming along?” Levi asks, sliding his hands off his face.

“Ongoing,” Erwin says calmly.

“It’s been three weeks. You don’t have much time left.” Levi folds his hands behind his head, forcing himself to stay calm. “What are you planning?”

“Like I said,” Erwin says, with a hint of impatience in his voice. “It’s ongoing.”

“That’s all I’m gonna get?”

“Yes.”

Levi grits his teeth. No point in protesting. There's nothing he can do to make Erwin talk if he's decided to keep silent.

Papers rustle. Levi pushes up onto his elbows to look. Erwin, still half undressed, is standing at the desk and shuffling through papers. “What the hell are you doing?” Levi asks.

“Checking my facts and figures,” Erwin says absently. “There’s a meeting tomorrow.”

“Of course there is.” Levi sits up. “Come to bed, Erwin. You’re going to benefit more from a good night’s sleep than a last-minute checkup.”

Erwin look up from his papers. He’s still sporting the obvious just-fucked look, hair a mess, skin flushed, clothes messy and the straps of his harness hanging down his sides, and it’s fucking _weird_ seeing that in combination with his strict, formal expression. His public face.

But then something softens about him. He sighs and comes to the bed. “You’re right, of course.”

“I often am. What kind of meeting?”

“The harrowing kind.” Erwin sits down next to Levi and starts taking off his clothes. “Can you come along?”

“Why?”

“Because I… I could use your support. I mean, your presence reminds people of what’s at stake.”

Levi huffs. “The brass wouldn’t realize what’s at stake if you stuffed them head-first into a Titan’s maw.”

Erwin looks down, not replying. Why is he…

Ah. Levi bites the inside of his cheek.

_\- maybe he’s grieving -_

Well, yeah, of course he’s grieving. Everyone is. But they’re Survey Corps, they’re used to this. And it’s already been a few weeks. Erwin should be – well, not _over_ it, but at least have some way of dealing. Instead, there’s just this blank nothingness.

“Erwin – ”

“Just yes or no, Levi,” Erwin says.

“Yeah, of course I’ll come. If you think it’ll help.”

“Good.” Erwin rubs his eyes, then gives his pillow a vaguely resentful look. “Maybe I should – ”

“Erwin. Lie down.”

Erwin sighs and lies down, pulling the covers over him. He turns onto his side, as usual leaving a careful few inches between him and Levi.

Levi closes his eyes, evens out his breathing.

After a while, Erwin sighs and turns onto his other side.

Then he groans, turns onto his stomach, face buried in the pillow.

And then he turns again, curled onto his side and accidentally pulling the sheets away from Levi.

Idiot.

Levi grabs Erwin’s shoulder and yanks him to his side, so he’s lying flat on his back. He scoots closer and crawls underneath Erwin’s arm, rests his head on Erwin’s chest, and throws his arm around Erwin’s waist.

Erwin very slowly and carefully puts his hand on Levi’s shoulder. “I thought you didn’t – ”

“Just close your eyes and go the fuck to sleep, Erwin.”

No reply, but Levi can hear Erwin’s breathing slow down, his heartbeat following suit.

Not that long after, there’s the soft sound of a snore.

***

Erwin wakes up twice that night, both times sweating and wide-eyed and with his fist stuffed in his mouth to keep his noises from waking Levi.

Levi pretends to be asleep and leaves Erwin to battle his demons in privacy.

***

Out of all the meetings, Levi hates the budget ones the most. There’s just something about the combination of mind-numbing boredom on the one hand, all numbers and calculations he can’t make sense of, and then on the other hand…

It’s one thing knowing that a lot of people in the Survey Corps die, but it’s a whole other to coldly, pragmatically, predict the amount of deaths and the associated costs. No sense in paying for new uniforms for everyone, is there, not if dozens of men won’t be needing them again before the year is done.

It’s sickening. Necessary, but disgusting, and once Zackley calls the meeting closed Levi almost runs out of the room in relief. 

He goes straight for the window in the hallway, leans out and breathes in the musty city air. It’s still better than the inside of the room, cramped and dank and claustrophobic.

“I still remember the first time you were brought here,” a voice says behind him. Levi looks over his shoulder - Pixis.

“Do you?” Levi says neutrally.

“Oh, yes. Most exciting thing that had happened in a long time. Everyone thought Erwin had lost his mind, or course, finally snapped after too long in the Survey Corps. Although, to be honest, most of us think the Survey Corps is entirely comprised of people of seriously questionable sanity to start with.”

“And yet you still rely on us to protect you,” Levi says coldly.

Pixis smiles, a glint of triumph on that wily old face, and Levi swallows a curse. He really should know fucking better by now than to let himself be manipulated like that.

“Interesting man, your commander,” Pixis continues innocently. “Stick in the mud, though – does he ever smile?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Competent, of course, no one doubts that. But stern. It mustn’t be easy, having a leader like that.”

Levi shrugs.

“You don’t agree? It may be different for you, though, given that you’re Erwin’s –  ”

“ _Levi_.”

Levi’s head snaps up. Erwin is waiting by the door, frowning. “Summoned, then?” Pixis asks, looking between him and Erwin.

“Excuse me,” Levi says, forcing himself to be polite. He nods at Pixis and goes to Erwin. They walk away side by side, the back of Levi’s neck prickling.

“What did Pixis want?” Erwin asks.

“Information.”

“Give him anything?”

Levi gives Erwin an unimpressed look. Erwin shrugs in reply.

Levi looks over his shoulder. Pixis is chatting with Nile now, still with that same small smile on his face. “Whose side is he on?”

“Pixis? He’s a reasonable man. Cautiously ours, I’d say.” Erwin presses his lips together. “We shouldn’t discuss this here.”

“Here?” Levi says sharply. “So you _are_ going to discuss this when we get back, are you? Suddenly decided your silence is - ”

 _“Levi,_ ” Erwin snaps. “Behave.”

Levi bites the inside of his cheek. Treating him like a toddler - but maybe he deserves it. The Central Command isn’t the place to discuss politically sensitive stuff.

They go out to the street, where the carriage is already waiting for them. Levi idly tracks his eye over the people milling around. It’s mostly nobles, easily distinguishable by their expensive clothing and jewelry, and a few wealthy merchants. The scum of the city. Disgusting self-serving pigs, the lot of them, but no threat, at least not as -

Levi stops mid-step. Stares.

One of the nobles turns their head, light catching on their features, and yeah, that’s him, it wasn’t just Levi’s imagination.

Almost unrecognizable. Thinner than he used to be, gaunt, face lined. Prison left its mark on him. But the arrogant attitude, the air of superiority… He managed to keep hold of that.

Levi shifts his weight, hand creeping to his knife. Lobov laughs at something one of the other nobles said, head bent back, baring his wrinkled throat. Force it forward, slice through the loose folds of skin to artery and vein and let the blood -

A hand takes his shoulder. Levi jolts, almost attacking before he gets a hold of himself.

“You promised me a month, Levi,” Erwin says softly.

Levi doesn’t take his eyes off Lobov. “It’s been - ”

“No, not yet. I still have a few days.”

Levi glares at him. “I don’t fucking care. He’s _here_.”

“And we’re in public.”

Levi throws a quick look around. Nobody seems to have noticed anything out of the ordinary. Yet. But if he keeps standing here, staring without moving...

He nods, curtly, and Erwin lets go of his shoulder. “Come, now.”

Erwin gets in the carriage. Levi hesitates for a moment. The nobles haven’t moved, and Lobov is idly looking around, tracking the surrounding people much like Levi had done. And, inevitably, his eyes meet Levi’s.

At first it’s the half-lidded unconcerned glance of a noble chancing upon someone insignificant, but then his eyes widen. Fucking cunt hasn’t forgotten him, then. Good.

Levi holds Lobov’s stare.

“Lance Corporal,” Erwin snaps.

Lobov twitches, eyes going to Erwin in his full Commander attire, to the carriage adorned with the Survey Corps emblem, back to Levi and his uniform.

Not just a street rat now, is he?

Levi very deliberately turns his back to Lobov, then gets into the carriage. It takes off immediately, as if Erwin doesn’t want to run the risk of Levi changing his mind.

Levi leans his head against the back of the seat, eyes closed.

“Levi?” Erwin asks cautiously.

“Tell me why I didn’t kill him.” Levi says. “ _Tell me_. Because right now it feels like I’m letting him get away, and I _won’t_ \- ”

“You didn’t kill him because right now, the consequences outweigh the rewards,” Erwin says calmly. “He’ll get his due, Levi. I promise you.”

Levi opens his eyes. “And what if he sees it coming? What if he he runs?”

“Where would he run to?” Erwin smiles, and it’s a cold, creepy, scary smile. “We’re Survey Corps. We go everywhere.”

“I should have done it,” Levi says, shaking his head. “End it once and for all, right there. No fucking _games_ , just - ” He breaks off, takes a deep breath.

Control.

“You would have, not too long ago.” Erwin tilts his head. “But you’re not that man anymore, are you?”

Levi leans his head against the side of the carriage.

“Are you?” Erwin repeats.

“No.”

Levi closes his eyes again. Every jolt of the carriage shakes through his shoulder and head, anchoring him to the present. Erwin’s right, he’s not just a street rat anymore. He knows better ways to deal with someone than slitting their throat in broad daylight.

Erwin can handle this.

Levi sits up and looks out of the window. The streets roll by, full of people, a few laughing children running next to the carriage. A high voice yells _look, they’re Survey Corps_ , and one of the kids tumbles from the roof and jumps onto a pile of crates to get a closer look. The kid’s got red hair, and their eyes are bright and -

\- _hey, Levi, did you see me? That was a cool move, right -_

Levi tears his eyes away, heart beating too quickly. He runs his hand over his eyes, then looks up.

Erwin is watching him, knowing.

Neither of them says anything. Levi is good at keeping his face in check but he must be showing something now, ‘cause Erwin…

And Erwin’s mask is cracking a little as well, grief seeping through the edges. It _hurts,_ seeing him like that, even more than Levi’s own grief. And there’s nothing he can do about it. He’s never been good at comfort and he can’t think of a single thing to say, not a word to make this somehow less painful.

But maybe he doesn’t have to. Just seeing, and knowing that it’s shared… Maybe that's enough.

Then Erwin clears his throat and looks away, and the moment is broken.

***

The streets of the city at dusk are almost abandoned. The only ones still about are merchants packing up their stalls, a few beggars, and of course the occasional nobles’ carriage rattling across the street. None of them pays much attention to a cloaked Survey Corps soldier wandering the streets alone. Especially not when they see where he’s headed.

The graveyard is a military one, strictly for soldiers who died in service, and consequently it mostly consists of Survey Corps members. The only exception are the Garrison soldiers who died during the fall of Wall Maria, of course, but that’s still a laughably small amount compared to all the Corpsmen.

Levi goes through the tall iron gates, looking around at the stones. Since they’re lucky if the Titans leave even one bodypart to be buried, about half of all graves aren’t real graves, just memorial plaques. A name, a date, a line or two of personalized inscription, and the Wings of Freedom carved beneath the text. Nothing more. They can’t afford to waste space on empty graves, not with the way the graveyard has been filling up.

The newest stones are first. There are flowers at Mette’s stone, still fresh. Erwin? No, he hasn’t been alone outside of HQ for at least a week. Mette’s partner, maybe.

She’d been there in the crowds when they returned. Looking over the faces, frantically searching, panic growing. And after that, scanning the carts carrying the bodies with the blank dead-eyed silence of someone who’s seen their worst fear confirmed.

She hadn’t cried. Somehow, it’d been worse than the ones who screamed and wailed.

Levi keeps walking. With each familiar name he spots, something inside of him twists painfully. Too many. He’s grown used to grieving, learned how to put it away, but every now and then the enormity of all the losses really hits him, the pain finally breaking through his customary numbness with so much force it leaves him speechless, winded, _breaking_.

But it never lasts. And at least he still functions, unlike Erwin, whose grief seems to be strangling him.

Although, speaking of strangling guilt…

He stops in front of the two stones, set side by side.

_Farlan Church._

_Isabel Magnolia_.

They both have the Survey Corps’ wings beneath their names. It used to bother him, because they never really were true Survey Corpsmen, were they? They joined for other reasons, were fully intending to leave once they’d done their job…

But they had died beyond the walls, in the maws of a Titan, trying to protect their squadmates. They deserve the wings just as much as anyone else.

Levi goes down on his haunches, studying the letters. They’re moss-covered, already starting to fade. Just their names, and the date of death. Not even a date of birth; Underground, no one has a fucking clue when they are born. No _beloved sister_ or _dear son_ either. They didn’t have anyone but each other.

He trails his fingertips over the lines in the stone. “I’m sorry,” he says softly.

What would they say if they were still alive? Isabel would be delighted with Levi being hero-worshiped, he’s pretty sure of that. Proud as a peacock to be his adopted sister, like she’d been Underground. Probably would’ve made friends with Hange. She’d have thrived in the Survey Corps.

And Farlan… What would he have made of Erwin and him? He had admired Erwin, even back then, when Levi was still too obsessed with hatred to see the man’s brilliance.

Would he approve, Farlan? Would he even still recognize Levi, if he’s changed so much? But if he has changed, it’s in a way Farlan always tried to steer him to. More in control. More willing to listen.

Levi bows his head. Six years, and still their absence gnaws at him. It’s not regret, though, not anymore. His judgement is clear.

He stands up again, looking down at the graves.

Doesn’t mean he forgets them.

“I’m sorry,” he says again, then turns and makes his way back to the entrance. He tries not to look at the other stones, but names still jump out at him. Elsa. Rani. Willem, Katja. Lucia, Meryl, Mette...

Not his fault. Not his deaths.

He steps out into the street and breathes in deeply, shaking it all off. Back to reassuring numbness, come on, get  _rid_ of this fucking pain. It won't help anything, will it?

Guilt doesn't change anything.

“Sir?”

Levi looks up in surprise. There’s one of the last year’s recruits standing in front of him, holding a folded piece of paper. “What?”

“Message for you, sir.” The kid hands the paper over and Levi folds it open. There’s nothing but an address and _come when you can_ , both in Erwin’s hand. Not even a signature, but he doesn’t need one; Levi knows Erwin’s handwriting almost better than he does his own.

“Go back to HQ,” he tells the kid. “You shouldn’t be out on your own after dark.”

“Sir!” The kid salutes, then runs off.

Levi taps the paper against his palm. Erwin isn’t really the type to send cryptic messages, but…

Things haven’t been exactly normal lately, have they?

Levi goes down the street. The address mentioned on the paper is only a few blocks away, and he heads there at a leisurely pace, head down and hands hidden by his cloak, lost in thought.

He'd played it by the rules, asked Erwin permission before leaving instead of just sneaking off. Although he might have been better off if he hadn't mentioned anything at all, or if he had lied about his destination, because Erwin's raw pain when Levi mentioned the word  _graveyard_...

Erwin had quickly schooled his face back into its usual calm mask and pretended nothing had happened, of course. And Levi can't really blame him. If Erwin deals with his grief by pretending it doesn't exist, well, let him. Maybe it works.

It's still disturbing, though, seeing just how much Mette's death has affected Erwin. See how fucking  _deep_ it runs. 

Levi turns into the street. He checks the address on the paper, runs his eye over the numbers on the buildings, and hesitates.

The place has the emblem of the MP stamped above the door.

Maybe it's a trick. A trap, someone forging Erwin’s handwriting in an attempt to lure Levi out of the relative safety of the HQ. Lobov, perhaps.

Not that Levi has anything to fear. Nothing inside the walls is any serious threat to him, and if it _is_ Lobov, maybe he’ll finally get his chance. Erwin’s deadline is still a few days away, but fuck that. The opportunity would be too perfect to ignore, even Erwin would see that.

Levi opens the door - unlocked - and goes inside. It's too big to be a regular house, so an office of some sort, an official building. The hallways are deserted, the thick carpet and wooden walls sucking up all noise. A trap, has to be. Why the fuck would Erwin want him here?

Only one room seems to be unlocked, the door ajar and faint light coming from inside. Levi pushes it open and steps into a white, bare room, filled with what looks like medical equipment and gurneys.

In the middle of the room, there’s a gurney with a shape on it, covered by a sheet.

Levi slowly steps closer, his footsteps echoing eerily. The room isn’t very well-lit, and the shadows he casts are flickering and dancing against the wall.

He stops at the gurney. After a moment he grasps the sheets and throws it back.

He stares.

“They found him last night,” a voice comes from the shadows. Erwin.

Levi doesn’t move.

“A heart attack,” Erwin continues, still hidden. “The official report will say it’s because of the austerity of prison, his body finally giving up after six years of deprivation, ironically hitting him just as he got out. Still, they have to treat it as a suspicious death, which is why he’s here, instead of being buried immediately.”

Levi stays quiet, eyes still fixed on the corpse. His face is white, bloated, almost unrecognizable.

It’s still him, though.

“There are rumours, of course.” Footsteps, Erwin approaching. Levi can’t tear his eyes away from the gaunt, bloodless face.

“A few about you, even, from those few who remember the exact circumstances of Lobov's conviction. Except the coroner has pinpointed the time of his death and you were in a meeting then. Nile himself is your alibi. There is nothing that can link you to this.”

Erwin stops next to him, arm touching Levi’s shoulder. It’s a shock in the cold room, the warmth of him.

“I can’t give you your friends back,” Erwin says softly. “But I can give you this.”

Levi raises his hand, and automatically his fingers go beneath the throat, to the pulse point -

But a hand intercepts him.

“He’s dead, Levi,” Erwin says.

Levi turns his hand, grabbing hold of Erwin’s wrist. Erwin’s pulse is going strong, a steady beat beneath Levi’s fingertips.

“He’s dead. It’s over.”

Levi lets go and steps closer to the gurney. He can feel Erwin go tense, as if he’s preparing to pull Levi away again.

Even in death Lobov manages to look arrogant. Or maybe that’s just Levi’s imagination, and his memories. The sight of him, hidden by the light and the shadows inside the carriage, untouchable and remote…

No hiding now.

Levi spits on the corpse’s face.

Then he turns and leaves the room, Erwin at his side. He doesn’t say anything until they’re outside, and then he tips his head back, eyes on the stars.

\- _it might be our chance, Levi, to be free, to live on the surface -_

“Levi?”

_\- this is our chance, you just gotta trust me -_

Levi nods. “I’m fine,” he says. His voice sounds hoarse.

\- _everything will work out, I promise -_

"Levi, you're not."

He glares up at Erwin, vision blurry with tears. Then he turns and kicks the wall, hard, and  _yells_. Pain shoots up from his foot to his leg and his throat feels like sandpaper and he's still shaking, can't - 

Erwin's hand takes his shoulder, warm and solid.

Levi breathes.

"It's alright," Erwin says softly.

Levi squeezes his eyes shut, fighting against the tears. He digs his nails into his palm and his breath is coming shakily and it hurts, just as much as it did on the day he lost them. He isn't fucking over it, he never has been, and it hurts so much that he wants to tear apart his skin and bones just to get away from it.

And then it starts to fade. He almost doesn't want it to, because it feels disrespectful, he  _should_ be fucking wracked with pain and grief for their loss. But he can't afford to. He's got a job to do. 

He's needed.

“Let’s go back,” Erwin says.

Levi takes a deep breath, then follows him. The ground seems unsteady under his feet - or rather, too steady, no sewage pools and craggy stone to trip you up, just clean flagstones, and it’s…

It’s done. It’s finished.

“How did you do it?” Levi asks, voice still thick, hoarse.

“You don’t need to know,” Erwin says curtly.

They keep walking, side by side. There's something weirdly reassuring about having Erwin so close, even when he's silent.

“Was it painful?”

“Excruciating.” A quick look. “Or so I’ve been told.”

“Good.” Levi hides his hands beneath his cloak. “You shouldn’t have come. It’s dangerous, if anyone saw you - ”

“No one has seen me,” Erwin says calmly.

Levi looks up at him. In the darkness of the night, with his plain cloak wrapped around him and his hood up, Erwin could be anyone. He’s moving well too, working with the shadows and the light of the streetlamps, keeping to the side of the buildings. Sneaking like a thief.

Erwin catches him looking and smiles. “Don't look so surprised. I do know my way around subterfuge.”

“Apparently,” Levi says, one eyebrow raised. “I didn't think you'd be the type.”

Erwin gives him a grim humorless smile. “There are a lot of things you don’t know about me.”

***

Lobov's death gets - as predicted - ruled as natural causes. And that's that. The paperwork disappears into the archives, the body is buried, and Nicholas Lobov fades into a footnote in Sina's history.

Not to Levi, though. He needs several days before he's back to his usual. It isn't that he ever spent a lot of thought on Lobov - he'd forced himself to forget him, to let go of the idea of revenge before it got the better of him. He'd locked Lobov away in a tiny corner of his mind and left him there to rot, focusing instead on other, more important things.

But this... It brought everything back. Like the last six years didn't happen, like he only joined the Corps yesterday. Like Isabel and Farlan's blood are still sticking to his hands.

Erwin leaves him to deal with it on his own, which he's grateful for. Although that might not just be Erwin's considerateness: the good commander is pretty much avoiding  _everyone_ , these days. He's still locked up in his office for most of the time, and refuses to give anyone any information on the Corps' next steps.

And the men are getting restless.

Of course, only a few weirdos like Levi and Hange actually _look_ _forward_ to going outside the walls, but even the relatively normal ones realize it’s their duty. Expeditions are the reason they’re in the fucking Corps to start with, and Erwin’s silence, his inactivity… It’s taking its toll on morale. It’s in everything, the whispering that suddenly stops when Levi or Erwin come close, people skipping training or talking back to their squad leaders, more curfew breakage...  All-round minor disobedience, little things that wouldn’t be important on their own, but taken together it all just spells discontent.

The last time Levi remembers this kind of unrest was when he and Erwin were fighting over Hange’s capture plan, but since then - and that’s four years ago - the Corps has always acted as a whole. Grieving, yes, often disillusioned, and even despairing a fair few times, but even at their darkest they knew they could rely on Erwin. After Shadis’ half-assed pathetic leadership Erwin’s decisiveness, his _vision_ had been a beacon of hope.

The beacon is getting pretty tarnished, these days.

“What is he waiting for?”

Levi tilts his head. He shouldn’t be doing this, eavesdropping on his own squad like they’re marks, or criminals. But he needs to know.

“A fucking divine sign?” Eld continues. “An order from Zackley?”

“What do you mean?” Gunther asks.

“Why the hell aren’t we outside yet, that’s what I mean. It’s been, what, almost three months? There’s no reason for the delay.”

“Maybe not that we can see,” Petra says. “But the Commander surely isn’t delaying for nothing. Is he?”

There’s a tense, heavy silence.

“Maybe,” Gunther says, “maybe he has a reason, but is it a good one?”

“The Commander knows what he’s doing,” Oluo says calmly. “He just doesn’t share it with shitheads like - ”

Eld snorts. “That’s Levi talking, isn’t it? But he doesn’t know what’s going on either. You see? The Commander is keeping information even from his right hand, that isn’t normal.”

“Well, I’ll be doing whatever Corporal Levi tells us to,” Petra says. “As should all of us.”

“The corporal would follow the commander into hell,” Gunther says quietly. “But that doesn’t mean that’s the right choice.”

“Stop it,” Petra snaps. “The commander deserves our loyalty, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah, he does. But I’ve been giving him the benefit of doubt for weeks now, and still nothing’s happening.” Eld pauses. “If you ask me, he’s lost it. He’s gone scared. He’s finally lost someone he really cares about and now he realizes how we feel all the time, and he’s paralyzed. Doesn’t dare to move just in case it goes wrong again.”

“I don’t buy it,” Oluo says.

“Yeah? Then explain to me what he’s waiting for.”

No one answers.

“Erwin has his reasons,” Levi says loudly as he steps out from his hiding place. His squad promptly jumps into a salute. “And it’s not on us to question them.”

“Nosir!” Eld says, a vaguely panicked expression on his face.

Levi gives them all a pointed look. “Don’t you have anything better to do than sit around and whine?”

“Uh – just taking a break, sir,” Gunther says quickly.

“Long enough, seems to me. Get back in those trees.”

They salute and hurriedly make their way back up to the training grounds. Levi follows them at a more sedate pace and watches them take to the air.

So even they are starting to doubt. What the fuck is Erwin waiting for? He has to see the damage this is causing, the potential consequences. At this rate, it's only a matter of time before something drastic happens.

If only he could fucking understand _why_ Erwin is doing all this, but the only explanation he can think of is what Eld said, grief and fear, and that's... That just doesn't feel right.

“They’re good.”

Levi doesn’t turn his head. “They can always be better.”

“You’re just never happy, are you?” Hange says. “Poor bastards. They’re really quick, though. I bet that if you gave ‘em a net…”

Lev raises his eyebrow at Hange. “Don’t tell me you’re going back to that stupid reckless fucking capture plan.”

“Well, why not?” Hange smiles. “Your squad has never been performing smoother, and the rest of us are only gaining experience. We could - ”

“That doesn’t mean it’s not dangerous.”

“No-o, but the risk’s lower than it’s ever been.”

Levi huffs. “Go and ask Erwin, then. He’s the one who decides.”

“I did. He wasn’t, uh, enthusiastic.”

“Really?”

Hange pulls a pleading face. “Come on, Levi. You know Erwin listens to you, all you’d have to do is say _I think it’s a good idea to let Hange capture a Titan_ and I’ll have my men and my budget before you can blink.”

“You overestimate my influence on Erwin,” Levi says, eyes still on his squad.

“Like hell. You bat your eyelashes and he – ”

“ _Besides_ ,” Levi says pointedly, “I _don’t_ think it’s a good idea. I never have. I only went along with it in the past because Erwin agreed. I’m sure as hell not going to try and convince him now.”

“Levi…”

“Drop it, Hange.” He gives them a dark look. “You already got plenty out of those other two you captured, didn’t you? So why go through this whole fucking ordeal again?”

“ _Why_?” Hange screeches, full of scientific indignation. “Do you have _any_ idea how many hypotheses I’ve got? All the data from Chikatilo and Albert, and everything we’ve learned about Titans in the last few years, there are so many new experiments I’ve drawn up, theories to test.” They try to grab his arm. “If we just – ”

He pulls back. “Look,” he says impatiently. “We can’t afford any unnecessary losses. Especially not now. Don’t you fucking _get_ that?”

They both look aside, at the recruits training in the quad next to them. There were twenty of them eleven months ago; now there’s just four.

“Being too careful won’t get us anywhere,” Hange says, insistently. “If we want to prevent more people dying, we need to learn about the Titans. And we can’t do that if we refuse to take risks.”

“ _Calculated_ risks. Not just throwing away lives on reckless plans. The danger is too great.”

“That’s what Erwin keeps saying,” they say, with a small smile. “Almost literally. Do you agree beforehand what to say, or does it just _happen_? Ooh, or is it part of your pillow talk?”

“Erwin doesn’t do much pillow talk anymore, these days,” Levi says flatly.

That shuts them up. Levi regrets it, though. Talking about Erwin’s private moments feels like a betrayal, even when it’s something little like this, even to a close friend like Hange. The only one he ever felt comfortable talking about Erwin with was Mette, and...

Well. Obviously he's lost that luxury.

“Is he alright?” Hange asks, uncharacteristically serious. “Erwin?”

“Fuck knows." Levi runs his hand over his face. "Your guess is as good as mine.”

“It’s just…” Hange trails off, frowning. “What’s going on, Levi? What’s Erwin waiting for?”

“Fucked if I know.” His eyes stray over his squad. “He’ll tell us, eventually. Once he’s ready. It’s just - it’s just a temporary thing.”

“And what if it isn’t?”

_\- one day, it’s just going to be you and me left -_

“It’s not,” Levi says decisively.

“You really believe that?”

_\- knee-deep in a field of corpses, and the Titans advancing in the distance -_

Levi takes a deep breath, then looks Hange straight in the eyes.

“Yeah, I do.”

***

No one can hide his emotions as well as Erwin. Even when Mike corners him in private, even when Hange confronts him in public, all they get is the same cold, rational, authoritative reaction. Levi would almost start to think Erwin doesn’t have any feelings at all, considering how controlled and cool he always looks.

Not now, though. Now, Erwin is asleep, and his eyes are flickering restlessly beneath his eyelids.

He’s making noises. They don’t sound happy.

Levi leans on his elbow and watches Erwin’s face. He’s frowning, as if in pain. Maybe Levi should wake him, but the man needs his sleep. He’s been lying awake longer and longer lately, tossing and turning until late in the night. He puts up a good show when he’s up, but to Levi the signs of exhaustion are painfully clear.

And even nightmare-ridden sleep is sleep.

Erwin gasps and his eyes snap open. His hand goes up, grasping at air. Levi takes Erwin’s shoulder and lets Erwin’s fingers wrap around his forearm.

Erwin breathes out heavily, clinging onto Levi’s arm like it’s the only thing keeping him afloat, his eyes wild and frightened before they focus on Levi.

“Oh,” Erwin says, voice hoarse.

Levi strokes his thumb over the skin at Erwin’s collarbone. “You know,” he says, “if it wasn’t for this, I’d start thinking you...”

“I what?” But Erwin doesn’t give him the chance to reply. He just pulls Levi down for a sloppy kiss.

Maybe he’s afraid of hearing the answer.

Levi runs his hand down Erwin’s chest, trying to gather the energy for sex again, but Erwin catches his wrist. “Too tired, I’m afraid,” Erwin says, a little awkwardly.

“Makes two of us, to be honest.” Levi leans back and Erwin rolls over, his head resting on Levi’s chest. Levi idly traces his hand over Erwin’s back. “Do you need to talk about this?”

Erwin gives a quiet huffing laugh. “Yes, probably. But – ”

“You can’t yet, yeah, I guessed.” He moves his hand to the nape of Erwin’s neck. “Even your nightmares are state secrets, are they?”

Erwin closes his eyes. “The way they are now? Yes.”

Levi leans back against the pillow. The light outside is tinged light gray, the way it is just before dawn. Too early to get up, too late to go back to sleep. It feels weird, comfortable, intimate.

Erwin is frowning again. Levi pokes his cheek. “Stop that.”

“I can’t just _switch off,_ Levi,” Erwin says irritably.

“Yeah, but you’re not really trying either, are you?”

Erwin rolls over again, his head on Levi’s thigh. “You’re assuming I’ve got time for – for idle thoughts. Relaxation.”

“You fucking _make_ time, Erwin. You’re going to go mad otherwise.”

“I’ll go mad if I don’t think about this.”

Levi doesn’t reply. He just traces his fingertips over Erwin’s forehead, cheekbone, jaw.

“Hange has been pestering me again,” Erwin says. “About capturing Titans.”

“Yeah, I know. They tried it on me as well.”

Erwin frowns at him, upside down. “You didn’t mention it.”

“No need to bother you with unimportant stuff.”

“I’m not sure if it is unimportant.” Erwin puts his hand on Levi’s knee, thumb idly stroking the bone. “I’m inclined to give them permission. Only if the situation is ideal, if we can isolate one. But it’s…” He clenches his jaw. “It’s an opportunity.”

“It’s dangerous.”

“Exactly.” Erwin focuses on him. “Which is why I’m only going to allow it on condition you’re in charge.”

Levi blinks. “Me?”

“Yes. Keep an eye on Hange, help judge the situation. Hange on their own is a risk, but if you’re there to assess the safety…” He trails off, then gives Levi a small smile. “There’s no one better suited to balance out Hange’s reckless streak.”

“So you want me to babysit Hange when we go out.” Levi pauses. “ _If_ we go out.”

“No, _when_.” Erwin closes his eyes. “We leave two weeks from now.”

It takes a second before the words sink in. He'd been dealing with the insecurity for so long that the thought of actually going out again was starting to seem absurd, unreal - and now, just like that, they're back to normal. As if the doubt and unrest of the last few months didn't exist. _  
_

Except there's something about this that still feels off.

“When did you decide that?” Levi asks.

“Last night,” Erwin says, eyes still closed.

“And why didn't you tell me earlier?”

“I'm telling you now, aren't I?” Erwin says, with a kind of stubborn contrary childishness that's very unlike him. Levi resists his first impulse to snap at Erwin and forces himself to calm down. He traces his fingers over Erwin's neck, watches the tense expression fade a little.

“So what are we doing?” Levi asks after a few moments. “Recon, find a new place for an outpost? That forest near – ”

“No. We’ll take the full force, follow the same route as last time and then head straight to the old city.”

Levi’s hand stills. “No recon,” he says flatly.

Erwin opens his eyes, knocks away Levi’s hand and sits up. “Once we’ve cleared the city, we can use that as outpost. No point in building something from scratch if we’ve got an option like that.”

“Is that wise?” Levi asks sceptically. “It sounds rushed.”

“Building another outpost would take too much time, and the city is close enough to reach. It’s - it’s the quickest way.” Erwin rubs his forehead. “There’s a lot of political pressure. I can’t waste time purely on recon.”

“So you’re going to risk lives just because you’re afraid they’ll sack you?” Levi asks, a little too sharply.

“It’s not that and you know it,” Erwin snaps. “We _need_ to have some kind of success, the sooner the better.”

“And what if this turns into a failure? What will that do to the fucking public opinion? Or the men? In case you haven’t noticed, morale isn’t exactly running fucking high right now.”

“You doubt this?” Erwin asks.

Levi turns away. “Doesn’t matter what I think, does it?”

“Levi…”

He shakes his head. “It’s not what I would do, no. Even apart from anything else… You realize we’re likely to come across the corpses of the men we left behind last time?”

Erwin looks down.

They hadn’t recovered Mette’s body – what was left of it, anyway. All energy had been focused on retreating. And three months of exposure to the elements can do ugly things to a corpse.

“We’ve been through worse,” Erwin says, his voice carefully calm. “And it’s the only decent option we have, so we’ll risk it. Don’t tell anyone yet, I’ll want to do an official announcement in a few days, once I have the specifics sorted out.”

“Fine.” Levi gets out of bed and grabs his pants from where he threw them the night before – well, where Erwin threw them, and where Levi neatly folded them afterwards. “Anything else?”

“No. Just - make sure your squad is in top form.” He looks at Levi. “I’m sorry to put this on you, but a lot will depend on you and your people.”

“Don’t worry about me.” He shrugs his shirt on and grabs his harness. “Worry about the rest of the Corps while I’m off on your special missions.”

“I do.”

Levi pauses and looks up.

Erwin’s head is in his hands and his shoulders are slumped. More than just tiredness, or regular worry. He looks _scared_.

“It’s finally getting to you, then?” Levi asks softly.

“No.” Erwin slides his hands off. “Maybe. I don’t know. There’s - there’s only so many people you can condemn to death before...”

“So that’s what this is?” Levi asks. “Guilt? Fear? What?”

Erwin doesn’t respond. He keeps looking at the floor. His face is almost grey with exhaustion.

Levi turns away in disgust. “One of these days, Erwin, your fucking refusal to communicate is going to cost you.”

“I expect it to.”

Something in Erwin's voice, something cold and dead and hopeless, makes Levi freeze mid-step. He turns back. “What?”

“Why not?” Erwin continues, in the same bleak tone. “It’s what happened with the previous commanders.”

“What happened?” Levi asks, frowning. “What are you talking about?”

“The previous commanders.” Erwin stares at the sheets, hands fidgeting by his side. “They all either died on the field, or were dishonorably discharged. There’s no clean way out here.”

“You’re not Shadis, Erwin,” Levi says sharply.

“No?” Erwin says. “Who knows, if we return empty-handed again…”

Levi opens his mouth to refute, give some comfort, then stops himself. Comfort won't help here. But something else might.

“Stop grieving,” he snaps.

Erwin raises his head in surprise. “I can’t just – ”

“Learn to.” Levi crosses his arms. “We can’t afford any more deaths just because our Commander has grown soft.”

“Soft?” Erwin echoes.

“If you wanted time to cry, you should have never taken the post.” He clucks his tongue in faked contempt. “Fuck, all you do these days is whine and brood.”

“I’m - ” Erwin starts, but Levi pushes on.

“That what they’re paying you for, so you can sit here in safety and feel sad about your decisions?” He pauses, then adds, cruelly, “I’m sure Mette would be very pleased to see you breaking down like this.”

Erwin stares at him for a moment.

Then he gives Levi a tired, darkly amused smile. “Is that supposed to rile me?”

Levi blinks, taken aback. Nothing, not a twitch, not one spark of anger. _Blank_.

What was it Mette used to say? That no one could piss off Erwin like Levi could. And now all he gets is - this. It’s unnerving, like a weapon failing when he needs it most.

“It would have,” Levi says, tilting his head. “Once upon a time.”

“Maybe.” Erwin rubs his eyes. “You’re not the only one who’s changed over the years. Any particular reason why you wanted to piss me off?”

“Why?” Levi raises his eyebrows. “Because I’m fucking tired of seeing you this fucking - _passive_. At least when you’re angry you show some fucking energy.”

“And you thought invoking my dead friend would accomplish that?”

“Yeah.” Levi tilts his head. “Anyone _normal_ would have me by the throat by now.”

“I’m the Commander of the Survey Corps. I can’t afford to be normal.” Erwin sighs, runs his hand over his face. “Mette’s dead. It doesn’t matter what she would have thought.”

“Really?” Levi asks. “She cared for you. Don’t you think her memory deserves a little respect?”

Erwin drops his hand, and for a second he looks incredibly, painfully vulnerable. And that's...

Levi crosses over to him and grabs the back of Erwin’s neck. Erwin shivers, sighs, leans into the touch. He rests his head against Levi’s stomach and wraps an arm around Levi’s waist.

They stay like that for a few moments. Erwin doesn’t move. His breathing is weird, too deep and irregular, and his eyes are squeezed shut, but he doesn’t cry.

He hasn’t cried since the night they came back.

“You can’t afford to break down, Erwin,” Levi says, looking down at him.

“I know,” Erwin mumbles. “But it’s… it’s not easy.”

“Yeah.” Levi runs his fingers through Erwin’s hair. “No need to worry about public breakdowns, though.”

“No?” Erwin asks tiredly.

“No. I’d knock you unconscious before you even start to wobble.”

Erwin gives a strange, tired half-smile. “Only you could make a threat of violence sound like an act of kindness.”

“Yeah, well.”

Erwin takes another deep, shaky breath. Then he gives Levi a squeeze and drops his arm. Levi lets go of Erwin and steps away from his personal space, and watches as Erwin stands up and forcefully thrusts himself back into the role of commander.

“No breaking down,” he says softly. Then he turns to Levi and gives him a wry look. “You play dangerous games, Levi.”

“I do what’s needed.” Levi smiles, grimly. “Isn’t that our motto?”

***

They leave two weeks after. At departure they’re surrounded by cheering crowds on all sides, people yelling encouragements, promises. Celebrating them. They still have the people’s support, after all. The details of the missions don’t make it out of HQ, and to the civilians they’re still humanity’s heroes. They don’t have a clue about the unrest that’s been creeping into the Corps these days.

Levi had been hoping the call to action would be enough to raise morale again. But all he sees when he looks at the faces of the soldiers - hidden with varying degrees of success - is doubt. It’s too much, too rushed. Usually the building of an outpost happens over several expeditions, carefully laying out caches and exploring the surroundings before committing. What they’re doing now - the full force, straight to the city ruins - feels like they’re skipping important steps.

No wonder they’re uneasy.

Still, at least they’re out again. After months of being inside, the rush of open air, the wide space beyond the walls and the _freedom_ of it all is almost overwhelming. Levi has lost count of how many expeditions he’s been on, but this never changes, the thrill of it. Like the first time he used his 3D gear.

But it fades, that thrill. After an hour or so of galloping in the wilds, it just becomes a countdown to the first Titan attack. Everyone feels it, everyone’s nerves are frayed; people jump and pull their blades when a bird squawks or a fox crosses their path.

When the first flare shoots off, it’s almost a relief.

“East and ahead,” Eld says. “Squad Leader Hange?”

“Probably.” Levi pulls at the reins. “I’m going to check it out, just in case they’ve run off after a stray Titan again.”

“You think they would?” Petra asks.

“Hope not. I promised Hange I’d put them on a fucking leash if they’d run off without permission – but then again, it’s _Hange_ , so who knows.” He gives the others a quick look. “You stay here, got it?”

He waits for the usual chorus of _yessirs_ , then squeezes his knees into the side of his horse and rides off.

It’s not disobedience, leaving his post. He’s been wildcarded, no fixed position apart from what his own judgment tells him. It’s exactly the sort of position he would have killed for back in the early days, giving him the freedom to follow his instincts.

Funnily enough, now it just feels like an extra responsibility, a possibility to fuck up, risk lives.

The green flare shoots up and the formation changes direction. Levi makes his way between the squads and keeps riding until he finds Hange, right on the flanks. Still in position, although they’re staring at the horizon with a love-struck expression on their face – and are slowly drifting away from the rest of the Corps.

“An eight-meter class,” they sigh when Levi pulls up next to them. “Look at that adorable little – ”

Levi yanks the reins from Hange’s hand and pulls the horse into the right direction. “There’ll be plenty of those later. Do _not_ fucking think about riding off and leaving the flank open.”

“Oh, fine.” They take the reins back, then turn wide eyes on him. “By the way, the nets are in my saddle bags – you know, just in case I – ”

“You’re not doing shit before I give the all clear, Foureyes.”

“Oh fine, just don’t wait too long. I want my capture.” Hange bounces in their saddle.

“Don’t get too carried away," Levi says, irritated. "Ten to one we end up not going through with it at all, if it’s too unsafe. Let that penetrate your thick skull.”

Hange snorts. “Erwin won’t be very happy with that.”

“The order comes straight from him,” Levi snaps.

“Yeah, but he’s also desperate for some success. Risk is relative, I’m sure he’d - What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“ _Desperate_?” Levi echoes sarcastically.

“Well…” They look around. “That’s why we’re doing this, isn’t? Going straight to the city instead of setting up another outpost first? Because we need results.”

“I don’t know Erwin’s reasons, but if you think it’s desperation…” He makes a derisive sound. “You’re even more stupid than I thought.”

“So loyal.” Hange grins. “You know, for such a spikey ball of concentrated fury you really can be _adorable_.”

“You’re full of shit, Hange.” He digs his knees into the side of his horse and rides off.

“Love you too, Lance Corporal!” Hange yells after him.

Levi ignores them.

***

The bodies they left at the ruins of the outpost are all gone. The broken equipment is still there, the remains of the building they tried to put up, a few horse carcasses, but no people. The only thing left of them are those amber balls, faces and shapes still visible inside if you look close enough.

Eaten and regurgitated, like rotten food.

“ _Keep going,_ ” Levi snaps at Gunther, when he starts slowing down.

“But - ”

“You know our orders. No body retrievals.”

Gunther nods, tight-lipped, and they ride on, eyes strictly ahead. No point in lingering. Those things can’t be broken down. What can they do, roll them back to the walls? Bury them in one giant grave, guessing who’s inside? It would be grotesque.

Better to leave them here.

The ruins of the outpost are quickly left behind, leaving nothing but a stretch of a low hills. There’s a forest on the west side and Levi keeps his eyes on it, ready to catch any disturbance.

They’ve only had to change direction three times. On a ride this long it should’ve been more. Maybe the absence should be reassuring, but Titans don’t just _disappear_. If they’re not here, that just means they’re somewhere else, and if they’re gathered, if they’re lying in wait somewhere…

But that’s given them too much credit. They’re stupid, dumb beast, not intelligent pack hunters. They can’t ambush. There’s no fucking _strategy_ here.

They leave the forest behind and head into the more hilly lands surrounding the city. Any moment now...

And as if Erwin heard Levi's thoughts, two green flares shoot off into the air in quick succession. Levi's squad comes to a halt and Petra gives him an expectant look. Waiting for orders.

Which he hasn't got. Erwin refused to give him anything concrete, said it would all depend on the situation they would find. He's got a point, of course, but they're Survey Corps. Everything always depends, but that never stopped Erwin before from giving him at least some idea what to do. 

Take the city. That's all he knows. And even though Erwin had told him to come and get orders the second they were in the vicinity of their target, for a second it's really tempting just to ride off on his own, with his squad, leave Erwin and his fucking secrecy behind and retake the city singlehanded.

But the moment of rebelliousness passes. This is far too important to run any kind of risks.

Levi gathers his reins. “I'm going to find Erwin,” he tells his squad. “You stay here.”

“Corporal?” Oluo says, surprised. “You mean you don't know - ”

“Don't do anything before I'm back,” Levi says, and before there can be any more protests he rides off.

Vague orders aside, it's looking good. No Titans around, no significant losses on their way here, and perfectly clear weather. The ideal circumstances for retaking the city. Almost too good - but that's probably just paranoia. Let them have a stroke of good luck for once.

Levi keeps riding until he finds Erwin at the center of the formation. He's standing on top of a small hill, isolated from the rest of the squad, one hand on the flank of his horse, eyes focused on the city. The other soldiers are giving him a wide berth, which isn’t surprising. Erwin doesn’t exactly look _approachable_ right now.

Levi dismounts and goes up to him. Erwin barely acknowledges him.

“Plan?” Levi asks.

Erwin keeps staring for a moment or two. Then he blinks, refocuses. “You go in first, try to clear the area as much as you can,” he says, calm and businesslike. “Send up a flare when you’ve done the first sweep. Half of the Corps will join you inside the city, the rest will guard the perimeter.”

“Got it.”

“Good.” Erwin tears his eyes away from the view. “How are the men doing?”

“Well enough. Nervous, but that’s to be expected. They’ll do fine.”

Erwin nods. He keeps looking at Levi.

They have a strict non-public policy, something that never really needed to be discussed. It’s not like it’s difficult: neither of them are the kind to show public signs of affection. But sometimes it’s tempting to throw caution to the wind and just yank Erwin down and…

Levi shakes off his thoughts. “Anything else?”

“No. It’s just – ” Erwin frowns. “We have to recapture the city. _Have_ to.”

“Politics?”

“Not just that.”

Levi waits, but nothing else comes. He glances up. Erwin’s face has closed off again.

“Ah,” Levi says. “This.”

Erwin doesn’t respond.

Levi breathes in deeply. They've been through this more times than he can count now, and he knows how this works. Getting angry will get him nothing, nor will needling or persuading or even silence. Erwin has his secrets and Levi's got no fucking way of reaching them.

But does it matter? Whatever the fucking reason, Erwin still needs him to do this. Knowing the  _why_ behind it all won't change that need.  

“We’ll get it,” Levi says. “The city. I’ll fucking take it for you.” 

Erwin gives him a long, strange look. “Just like that?”

“That's what you're commander for, isn't it?” Levi says, eyebrow raised. “You've commanded me. I obey.”

Erwin shakes his head. “Just - just be careful,” he says. “That's all the command I want to give you. Don't get carried away, and listen to what I say.”

Levi pulls an irritated face. “Like I always do, you mean?”

“Yes.” Erwin gives him a strange smile. “That's what it comes down to. Just do what you always do.”

“That much I can promise, at least.” He puts his foot in the stirrup. “Any other advice you want to share? Apart from _do_ _the usual_?”

“No,” Erwin says. Then, “Yes.”

Levi gets into the saddle and looks down at Erwin, frowning. “Well? What is it?”

Erwin keeps looking at him, and for a second it looks like he's on the verge of saying something, something  _big_. 

But then he shakes his head. “Just be careful,” he says. “We can't afford to lose you.”

“No worries there.” Levi grabs his reins and gives Erwin one last look. “I've not intention of letting them take me,” he says, and then he urges his horse into a trot and rides off.

He can feel Erwin watching him until he's completely out of sight.

***

The old city is an ideal battleground, full of conveniently placed buildings and potential cover and traps. Levi's squad takes full advantage of the terrain and generally performs beautifully, executing attack formations almost as well as they did in training. They cut a bloody swath through the streets, skipping from Titan corpse to Titan corpse with ruthless efficiency, leaving only a handful isolated Titans for the rest of the troops. It’s perfect, triumphant, exactly what they’d been waiting for, and Levi almost feels like laughing –

Until, of course, people start dying.

Not everyone is him. Not everyone is so lucky.

He manages to block out most of the deaths - the battlefield doesn't leave time to mourn - but then one of them nearly gets bitten in half right in front of him. Levi intervenes just in time to prevent him getting eaten, but the guy still ends up bleeding out on the ground, staring up at Levi with a kind of dreadful hope.

The guy dies with his hand in Levi’s, leaving blood smears on his palm. Filthy, but it seems weirdly disrespectful to wipe it off – not that it matters now, the guy’s dead.

Petra is watching him.

Not his death. Not his fault. Not now.

He straightens up. “We’ll – ”

“Levi!” Erwin’s voice comes from behind him.

Levi turns in surprise. Erwin is supposed to be somewhere safe in the center, not right here at the front lines, and him being here...

Erwin pulls his horse to a stop. “We’re retreating,” he orders. “Fall back.”

Levi stares at him. All this bullshit about how it’s _essential_ they take the city, and now he’s retreating? When Levi still has blood sticking to his hands and Petra is crying behind him and that soldier had looked at him, entirely trusting...

“What do you mean, _fall back_?” he snaps at Erwin. “We can still push on. Or have my men died for nothing?”

“The Titans are all heading north, to the city.”

Levi freezes.

 _No_.

Erwin turns his horse. “It’s just like five years ago,” he says, eyes on the horizon as if he's trying to see straight to the wall. “Something's going on in the city. The wall may already have been breached.” 

“What?” Petra gasps.

It can't be. This is a nightmare. Just another – isn’t it?

“Find your horse and join me at the front,” Erwin says, and before Levi can reply he flicks his reins and rides off. 

For a few moments Levi just keeps staring at Erwin's retreating back. A nightmare. A fucking bad dream, because if this is real, if this is happening...

Titans moving in on the city. Titans acting in coordination. Titans  _showing intelligence_. How many years ago was it that he talked to Erwin about the possibility of Titans evolving?  _We’d be fucked_ , he said then, and now it’s finally happened and how the fuck are they going to manage this?

Not by fucking standing around and doing nothing, at least. Levi whistles and a few moments later his horse comes galloping in his direction.

He swings up and gather the reins. “Find the rest,” he yells over his shoulder at Petra, “and _don’t_ lose fucking sight of each other.”

“Sir!” Petra salutes, then takes off to the roofs. Levi flicks the reins and rides until he reaches the front of the formation. He falls into pace at Erwin's right hand. 

“Well?” Levi asks.

Erwin doesn’t reply.

Even more than the words, the situation, the thing that makes Levi’s stomach turn is the look on Erwin’s face. Sure, it’s hidden with everything he has but Levi has known him for years, seen him when all defenses are stripped away and he recognizes what’s hiding beneath the commander’s mask. The fear.

_Just like five years ago._

No. He can't get lost in memories. He needs to focus on the now - the situation is different, they've got the whole Corps, battle-ready, no significant losses yet. And they're prepared, now.

“We’re heading back to the wall, right?” Levi asks, calm and businesslike.

“Yes,” Erwin says, eyes still fixed on the road ahead.

“It’s still an hour’s ride.” Levi gathers the reins. “I’ll fall back, inform the other squads.”

“We’ve got messengers for that.”

Levi huffs. “Yeah, and who do you think the men would rather hear from? Some panicking newbie with only half the information, or me?”

Erwin gives him a quick look.

“I’ll try and keep the panic at bay.” Levi gives Erwin a look. “Yeah?”

Erwin nods, still silent.

Levi grits his teeth, forces the worry down, and turns his horse.

***

Never has a ride seemed to last as long as this one does. There’s not a fucking Titan in sight, not _one_ , and everyone is perfectly fucking aware that for every Titan not here, there might well be one within the Walls.

It’s already having its effect. Levi has his work cut out just to keep everyone from deserting on the spot, especially the veterans. Sure, the newbies are scared shitless as well - as they should be - but the older soldiers, the ones who survived Shiganshina and know exactly what it’s like, Titans overrunning a populated city…

It takes all they have just to keep riding.

The walls are finally coming back in sight, a thin stripe in the distance, half obscured by a dust cloud. Levi exchanges a last few words with a squad leader, then speeds up and rides ahead until he reaches the front squad. Mike is riding at Erwin’s right hand, but the moment he sees Levi approaching he falls back, leaving room for him.

“Any trouble?” Erwin asks, as Levi falls into pace beside him.

“No. Close thing for a couple of ‘em, but I got them to calm down. Anything on what’s going on at the walls?”

“Fuck knows,” Erwin growls. 

Levi grits his teeth, fighting against his unease. Being edgy won't help anything. He needs to stay  _calm_ , damn it.

Another messenger from the city comes thundering in their direction. “What are they saying, then?” Levi asks, with a nod at the messenger.

Erwin just shakes his head, silent.

What the _hell_ is going on?

“Commander!” The messenger draws to a halt in front of them.

“Report,” Erwin snaps.

The messenger salutes. “The outer Trost gate has been broken down, the inner wall is still intact. Titans are entering the district by the dozen, the Garrison is trying to fight them along with the trainees.”

“And?” Erwin asks, as if that alone isn’t enough.

“Commander Pixis won over a Titan to our cause and it’s going to close the gates,” the messenger says.

Levi’s head whips around. “ _What_?”

“Dismissed, soldier.” Erwin jerks his chin at the messenger and they fall back in with the rest of the Corps.

Levi turns to Erwin. “Have they _lost their fucking mind_?”

“If they have, they’re not the only one.” Erwin throws Levi a quick look, and even though he’s still got his commander-mask on, Levi can see the confusion, the panic, the frustration.

“What’s happening?” Levi asks.

“I don’t know. They’ve all been – the messengers, they…” Erwin grits his teeth. “They’re not consistent, but one thing they do agree on is that they’re attempting to close the gates, somehow. With the aid of a Titan.”

They’re getting closer to the wall. From here, they can already see a swarm of Titans, all closing in on the gate.

Erwin takes his gun and shoots off two flares, one to the east and one to the west. “ _We’re splitting up_ ,” he yells at the rest of his squad. “Half with Mike at the east of the gate, half with me at the west. Avoid the Titans as much as possible.”

Half of the squad bends off to the other side. Levi keeps riding at Erwin’s side. Waiting.

“Levi?” Erwin asks after a few moments.

He looks up, alert. “Yes?”

“Go to the gates and find out what the hell is going on.”

It's like a ray of light in the dark. Not just the fact that he can finally  _do_ something, be active instead of sitting here waiting and seeing what happens, but the look on Erwin's face, the tone of his voice. That cold efficiency.

That's what Levi joined for.

“Got it," he says, then turns in his saddle to check his gas reserves.

“Recon only, don’t waste time on trying to rescue people,” Erwin continues as Levi checks his equipment. “We can’t do a thing unless we know what’s going on. Understood?”

“Understood.” He stands up in his stirrups.

“And Levi?”

He looks back. Erwin has lost the mask, but instead of the expected fear there’s just grim, cold determination.

“Don’t trust anyone.”

 _Why_ , Levi almost asks, but Erwin's expression isn't inviting any questions. So he just nods.

Erwin turns back to the road ahead and Levi takes aim for the nearest roof – horses are quick, but flying is quicker, and there’s practically a continuous line of buildings from here to the wall. The line thuds into the tiles and he’s off, up, and all there is are the buildings surrounding him, the ground beneath. And even those buildings dissolve into nothing but potential hiding places, grappling points to swing ahead. The world loses all life and meaning and instead becomes a stark battlefield.

Fuck knows what he'll find, what's really going on behind the walls. It could be anything. Not that it matters, of course.

He’s Survey Corps. He'll adapt.

He reaches the wall after only a few minutes of flying, crossing distances in a fraction of the time the horses need. It feels wrong, being here alone, even just as a scout. Maybe they should've all used their 3D gear, leave the horses behind and just rush straight here, because the sight in front of him...

It's nightmarish. Titans are grouping together near the gates, coming in from all directions but converging on one point, and there's masses of them, far more than Levi's ever seen. They don't react, not even when Levi flies by less than a few feet away. They seem focused on nothing but getting inside as soon as possible.

Common purpose. But _how_?

The wall comes close. Levi takes a deep breath and shoots his hook off as high as it can go - which is still only about a third of its total height. He flies up, detaches and shoots again, out of breath and dizzy. Their equipment isn't made for this, not really, nor are they; the wind is scouring his face and his stomach turns with the acceleration, the change in air pressure.

But then he reaches the top. He spins in the air and lands on hands and knees, then pushes up and walks to the edge. 

It takes a few moments before he can make himself look down.

It’s Maria all over again. Titans everywhere, smashing into houses, capturing and eating people. Here and there Levi can see the flash of sunlight on blades, the tan-and-white of uniforms, little groups of Garrison soldiers fighting back to the best of their ability, but it’s chaotic, uncoordinated, pathetic. Doomed to fail. The Titans almost seem to mock them, destroying whole squads without any effort. _Winning_.

Not if he can fucking help it.

Levi flips his sword around, finds the nearest group of soldiers, calculates his way. And fights.

There’s blood and heat, wind whistling past him and the solid stone of buildings against his feet and hands, muscle and sinew and bone splitting easily beneath his blades and scorching blood spouting onto his skin, and Levi spins until he hasn’t got a clue which side is up and which is down, but the Titans fall like fucking dominoes beneath his blades.

He lands lightly on the ground, discards the blunted blades, and snatches up a few fresh ones from a fallen soldier. Then he’s up again. A neck, there, and he hooks around a parapet and swings up and away, out of its grasp, then finds another shoulder and lunges, spinning and cutting through the muscle and sinew and killing as easily as the Titans do.

He drops to the ground, breathing hard, the world coming into focus again. No Titans near. Just four people, in uniform, right in front of him.

They’re staring at him with open mouths. Garrison folk, haven’t seen a Titan in their life, of course they’re terrified, both by the beasts and by him, steaming with evaporating blood and flying around like – how did Hange put it again? A spikey ball of concentrated fury.

He discards his blunted blades and reaches for new ones. “What’s happening?”

“You – You’re Corporal Levi!”

He re-attaches the new blades. “Situation?” he asks again.

“You – Yessir!” The soldier salutes. “Pixis’ plan is to let a recruit turn into a Titan and seal off the gates with a nearby boulder. They’re protected by a small squad of elite soldiers and some other new recruits. Our duty is to distract any Titans near and give the recruit the space and safety to complete his mission.”

Levi stares at him.

“I _saw_ him transform, sir!” the soldier says, defensively.

“Yeah, sure.” Levi checks his equipment, then starts looking for the nearest and highest building. “Find shelter somewhere in the cellars. If you want to fight, keep on high, keep moving, and work together. Don’t take any risks, leave the heroics to us.”

“The Survey Corps is coming?” the soldier asks, hope dawning on their face.

“On their way.”

And Levi goes up again, finding the highest rooftop. Just as he’s there, a yellow flare shoots up from somewhere at the gates. All around, the Titans are starting to move in the same direction, as if they’re converging on the gates. Leaving again? That would be too good to be true.

Levi speeds over the rooftops. Erwin, Erwin and his fucking orders. Who the fuck knows how many other people are in danger right now? Groups of soldiers like the ones he just helped out, there must be dozens of them, hundreds, and that’s not counting the civilians. But he can’t be everywhere at once, he has to fucking _choose_ , and at least Erwin saved him from having to make that decision himself.

The gates come up in front of him. They’re shattered, destroyed beyond repair, but somehow the opening has gotten blocked off again with a huge rock. The Titans are flocking in that direction, and another Titan is lying half on top of the boulder, steaming, dead. 

Levi lands on the roof of a tall house, and finally he can see. There are the kids the soldiers mentioned, one of them slumped forward and somehow almost buried inside the Titan’s corpse, and another kid standing protectively over him, as two Titans approach, and someone yells…

Levi drops off the roof and swings around a corner to gain speed, then goes into a roll. He slices neatly through the first TItan’s neck, then kicks off the wall and finishes off the second one. It topples over slowly, and Levi breaks his fall and lands firmly on its back.

He takes a moment to check - no injuries, no other Titans in the immediate vicinity - then turns around.

“Hey, brats,” he yells over his shoulder. “What the _hell_ is going on here?”

The kid, covered in Titan blood and entrails, looks up at him with a star-struck expression, then faints.

Levi hops down, strides past a garrison soldier who’s staring at him in open-mouthed admiration, and kneels down next to the kid. They’re not just covered in dead Titan; it’s like they have somehow fused with it, huge nerves and muscles sticking to their limbs.

Levi checks the kid’s pulse. Their skin is hot, practically steaming – a fever? – and their heartbeat is quick, but strong. No visible wounds either, except those strange lesions where the Titan nerves have been pulled loose from the kid's skin.

“Is he going to live?” the kid’s friend asks.

“No idea, but for now he seems fine.” Levi stands up, looks around. Titans are still heading in their direction. “We’ll need to get him somewhere safe first. You alright?” he adds, looking at them.

They nod, blue eyes wide with fear, but there’s determination there, too. A future Survey Corpsman, he’s willing to bet.

A soft thud announces a third kid coming up. “I’m staying with him,” she says, a steely look in her dark eyes, and Levi’s stomach twists.

The girl. The Ackerman girl. He should’ve fucking _known_ his kind would get mixed up in something like this.

“Good,” Levi says, and the girl blinks in surprise. “He’ll need someone watching him, if he….” He pauses. Even now it seems too absurd, too _strange_ , to be true. “Did he _really_ turn into a Titan?”

“Yes,” the blond says.

“He…” But Levi stops himself.

Fuck it. Let Erwin sort this shit out. Right now, he needs to get the kid to safety – _don’t trust anyone_ – and keep away that fucking horde of Titans heading for them.

Levi takes a step closer to the kid and the kid’s two friends stand protectively over him, looking about ready to attack him. Levi holds out a calming hand. “I don’t care if he’s human or Titan or some weird-ass mix of both,” he says, steadily, “as long as he’s not a threat to anyone.”

“He isn’t!”

“He’s unconscious, I can see that,” Levi says. “But if he really can change into a Titan, how long do you think it’ll take before someone panics and tries to kill him? We need to get him somewhere safe, as soon as possible. We’ll take him to the – ”

“ _We’ll_ take him, Corporal Levi.”

Levi grits his teeth and turns. A squad of MP’s has approached, cautiously edging around the Titan’s corpses. As if they haven’t got anything fucking _better_ to do right now.

“Really?” Levi says. He raises his blades and several of the policemen take a step back, muttering. “Take him where? What are your orders? Who’s given the command?”

“Commander Nile. Step away, Corporal. This isn’t the Survey Corps’ purview.”

Levi points at the steaming corpses around them. “Titans. So that means it’s Survey Corps business. Now _back off_ before I cut my way through you.”

They take a collective step back, but then the whirr of a wire announces the new arrival before boots even hit the ground.

“Stand down, Corporal.”

Levi whirls – Hange, of course it’d be them. “You mean we’re letting them take the kid?” he says disbelievingly. “He’s fucking _unconscious_.”

“Erwin’s orders.”

“Then Erwin can go fu-”

“He said you’d say that, and that I should remind you of what you promised, Corporal.”

“ _Fine_.” Levi steps out of the way of the policemen, letting the disgust on his face show, obvious and insulting. They grab the kid and put him on a stretcher, none too gently.

“You _can’t take him_ ,” the girl yells. “I won’t let you.” And she raises her blades.

The fucking temper runs in the family, apparently.

Levi yanks her back by the straps of her harness. “This is out of our hands," he snaps.

She whirls on him but he pushes her at her friend, who promptly takes her arm and starts whispering to her. It seems to calm her down a little.

Levi strides after the MP’s, takes their leader’s sleeve and leans in. “If I find out you’ve hurt him in any way,” he says coldly, “I’ll come after you personally. Understood?”

The policeman mumbles something, eyes downcast. Unusually timid for a fucking MP - but then again, even  they can’t be all high and mighty to someone who just cut a bloody swath through the entire fucking city.

He lets them take the boy away and turns to Hange. “Well? Further orders?”

“Clean-up duty. And…” They bounce excitedly. “Capture mission? Yes? I mean, they’re already within the walls, there’s no civilians near, it’s the ideal situation.”

“We’ll see.” He flips his sword. “Clean-up first, cut down most of that fucking horde. If we can isolate one of the last ones, then fine.”

Hange screeches and jumps up in joy.

“But remember, Hange,” Levi snaps. “No unnecessary risks, and nothing until I give the order. Understood?”

They salute. “Yessir!”

“Good.” Levi goes to the edge of the buildings and raises his blades. “Then let’s finish these bastards.”

***

It’s late when at last the final Titan is dispatched.

The triumph of the day - they were successful, they _defeated_ the Titans - is dulled by the many wounded and dead. Those still on their feet stumble to the HQ, exhausted to the bone, accompanied by the rattling wagons carrying those who can’t walk. Most of the men are barely able to put one foot in front of the other. Even Levi feels tired.

He staggers through the gates and sits down on a crate before his legs give out. It’ll be a relief to finally wash the filth of his skin, but… Fuck, will he even get up the stairs? His legs are fucking killing him.

“ - of course, if they’re all moving together that means they’re capable of thought," a voice says, gradually getting louder and accompanied by footsteps. "Unless it’s a collective hive mind thing, but then we should - ”

“Hange,” Levi says, eyes still closed.

“Oh, hey.” The footsteps stop. “Levi. You look like _shit_.”

Levi cracks one eye open. Hange is peering at him in concern, hands behind their back and nose scrunched up. “Thanks.”

“Did you take any breaks at all?”

“No.” Levi sits up and stretches. “Couldn’t.”

“You stubborn idiot.” Hange sits down next to him and waves a hand at their assistant, standing nervously at the sidelines. “Moblit, you go on to my babies. I’ll be with you in a mo’.”

“Babies?” Moblit asks uncertainly, looking between them.

“The captured Titans, Moblit,” Levi says wearily.

“Oh, right. Yessir!” He salutes and trots off. 

“Nice guy,” Hange mutters. “But a bit dim, sometimes.”

“No one intelligent would ever put up with you, no.” Levi yawns, then tries to focus on Hange. “How are the captured Titans?”

“Fine. Sleeping.” Hange grins, wide and unrestrained and slightly mad. “We’re going to have so much _fun_ together.”

“I doubt they share your idea of _fun_.”

“Oh, we’ll see.” Hange leans back. “Have you heard any details about the Colossal Titan, by any chance? I’ve been asking around, but no one seems to have been there at the time.”

“I’ve heard shit,” Levi says,  rubbing his eyes. “Too busy fighting. I've got no fucking clue what happened.” He squints at Hange. "You do?"

“Well, as far as I understand it… ” Hange chews their lip, thinking, then starts talking. “The Colossal Titan showed up just long enough to break down the outer gates at Trost, then disappeared again. The recruits tried to fight back, and somehow one of them turned into a Titan. Then back into a kid. Pixis had him picked up, then thought up that plan to block the gates again. Kid changed into a Titan again, the rest of the Garrison distracted the other Titans, gate got blocked, and bam. Problem solved.”

Levi leans back again. “He turned into a Titan,” he says flatly.

“I _know_ ,” Hange says, with barely constrained excitement. “Everything we know, everything we _thought_ we knew, all gone. We need to start over again, it’s going to be fabulous! And terrifying, but mostly fabulous! Can you imagine?”

“Yeah.” Levi rubs his eyes. “The kid… What do we know about him?”

“Eren - something. Jaeger. Shiganshina orphan, nothing exceptional about him. Still in the Military Police’s custody.” They give a dreamy sigh. “Ooh, what I wouldn’t give to get my hands on him.”

“And his friends? Those two kids who were with him?”

“No idea. Around here somewhere, I guess. They’re not important, are they? Unless...” Hange tilts their head. “You think they can turn into Titans as well?”

“I doubt it.” He runs his hands over his face. “They didn’t seem to have any fucking clue how it worked, or what was going on. Maybe they’re - fuck, I don’t know.” He leans forward, arms on his knees. “Who knows about all this? Everyone?”

“No. Well, the Garrison soldiers, obviously, but there are orders from Pixis to keep discreet about it, not share anything with civilians.”

“Pixis?” Levi looks up. “What does Erwin say?”

“No idea. Haven’t seen him yet.” Hange pauses. “Levi…”

Levi leans back, running his hands over his face. “What?”

“Do you think… I mean, is it possible that Erwin somehow knew about this? That this is what he was brooding about?”

Levi slides his hands off and stares at Hange.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? Whatever Erwin was hiding, it was something big, and it doesn’t come any bigger than this. But...

“No,” Levi says, decisively. “Did you see him when the messenger arrived? He was every inch as baffled as we were. Scared.”

“Or he was acting.”

Levi shakes his head. “Not even Erwin is that good an actor.”

“Alright, so maybe he didn’t know. It’s still a coincidence, isn’t it? Years of everything going fine, then Erwin suddenly starts being all secretive and weird, and a couple of weeks later the Titans attack again.”

“What the hell are you saying, Hange?” Levi frowns. “That Erwin is involved somehow?”

“Maybe. There’s something fishy about all this.”

Levi shakes his head. “You’re paranoid. It’s _Erwin_.”

“Is that enough?” Hange asks. “We shouldn’t even question his motives just because it’s him? You really trust him that much?”

Levi looks down, doesn’t reply.

“Right.” Hange sighs and stands up again. “Just go get some rest, Levi. It’s going to be long days ahead.”

“Yeah,” Levi mumbles. “Night.” 

Hange gives him one last fondly-exasperated look, then walks off, with far more spring in their step than should be possible after a day like this. Levi blearily watches them until they're around the corner.

Then he drops his head forward, Hange's words swimming around confusedly in his mind.

_\- he turned into a titan -_

_\- everything we thought we knew, all gone -_

_\- Erwin somehow knew about this -_

He’s too tired. His thoughts aren’t making any sense, it’s just - chaos. Sleepy chaos. Maybe he should follows Hange’s advice for once, go up and head straight to bed and not wake up for a day or so. It sounds pretty tempting right now.

“Levi.”

Levi blinks and looks up. Mike is standing in front of him, looking even more serious than usual.

“Don’t tell me they’ve found more Titans,” Levi says tiredly.

“Erwin’s in his room.”

“Good for him.” Levi yawns, widely. “And?”

“He needs you.”

He frowns. “Whatever it is, it can wait until tomorrow.”

“No.”

Levi looks up, surprised. Mike isn’t an emotional man, almost as unflappable and controlled as Erwin most of the time, but for once he’s sounding genuinely worried. “What?”

“Erwin _needs_ you,” Mike says again.

Levi gives him a long look.

Then he stands up. “Don’t let anyone in the hallway until tomorrow morning,” he says, curt and businesslike. “ _Late_ tomorrow morning. If I’m doing this I’m doing it properly.”

Mike nods, not in the least bit perturbed by Levi’s request.

Levi turns on his heel and goes inside, then forces himself up the stairs, trying to dredge up the energy he needs. His muscles are still aching but his mind has woken up again, because the thought of Erwin in need, and more specifically in need of  _him_...

It's not something he can just ignore, not anymore. Not after everything that's happened between them.

He stops in front of Erwin’s door and breathes in deeply, steeling himself. Then he tries the doorknob. As usual lately, it’s locked, so he knocks.

“Not now,” Erwin’s voice comes, measured and calm. The Commander’s voice.

“It’s me. Let me in.”

“Levi.” There’s a break there, tiny though it is. But then it’s back to leader-speak. “Not now.”

Levi goes to his own room, finds the roll of lockpicks hidden in a secret compartment of his chest of drawers, then goes back. Opening the door is a matter of seconds – they really should get better locks here.

Erwin is sitting on his bed, jacket and harness discarded on the floor, looking utterly dejected. His head swings up as Levi comes in. “I said – ”

“Not now, I heard you.” Levi locks the door behind him. “You should’ve learned by now I never listen, Erwin.”

Erwin glowers. “I’m in no mood to indulge your games, Levi. Go to your own room.”

“No.” He steps closer. “I just spent an entire day slaughtering my way through more Titans than I usually see in a year, and I _don’t_ have the fucking patience to play nice right now. You’re not the only one who’s fucking tired, Erwin.”

He shakes his head. “You think this is tiredness? I need peace, quiet, to _think_ – ”

Levi clucks his tongue. “Privacy? You’re the damn commander, Erwin, so fucking behave like it for once.”

Erwin’s eyes flare. “Get out, Levi,” he says, in a low dangerous voice. “I mean it.”

“Or what?” He steps even closer, moving right into Erwin’s personal space. “We both know you can’t make me do a single thing I don’t want to.”

All the warning he gets is a subtle darkening of expression, and then Erwin lunges. Levi loses his footing and lands hard on the bed, face-down, breath knocked out of him. He kicks out at Erwin and manages to win enough room to roll around, onto his back, but then Erwin’s full weight is on him and that’s the one advantage he still hasn’t learned to work around.

He struggles, slams his palm under Erwin’s chin and pushes up, forcing his neck back. Erwin hits the inside of Levi’s forearm, making his grip buckle, and pins him down again. Levi works his leg free and kicks up, hard. Erwin curses and for a second his weight lifts but before Levi can take advantage Erwin is back, holding –

Holding his harness.

Levi tries to kick out again but Erwin’s weight keeps him down. Erwin twists the harness around the bedposts, then loops one of the straps around Levi’s wrists and pulls hard, tying him down.

Levi claws up but Erwin intercepts, easily now he doesn’t have to worry about Levi’s right hand anymore. He yanks Levi’s free arm up and ties the strap around his wrist, then leans his weight back, resting fully on Levi’s thighs.

Levi can’t move, not with Erwin on top of him, not with those straps keeping him down – those are made to support someone’s full weight at high velocity, they aren’t going to snap just because he pulls against them. He tries, all the same, heels scrabbling against the sheets and back arching up from the mattress. Erwin puts his hand flat on Levi’s chest and shoves him down, hard enough that breathing briefly becomes difficult. Levi throws his head back in frustration, then glares up at Erwin.

They pause, both panting.

It’s not a game. Levi’s resistance is real – even now something inside of him protests at the idea of lying back, even like this, even to Erwin – and Erwin’s anger, his frustration and his violence, that’s real too.

And it’s familiar. Funny, really, how it always comes down to the same thing: Levi restrained and forced down; Erwin towering over him, holding all the strings.

Only difference is that this time, Levi is here of his own choice.

The moment breaks and Erwin pulls impatiently at the straps of Levi’s harness, getting rid of it in a matter of seconds. He’s even rougher with Levi’s shirt, simply ripping it off. Levi hisses in irritation but Erwin clamps his hand down over Levi’s mouth. “Shut up.”

Levi bites him.

Erwin pulls his hand back with a curse and strips off. Levi takes advantage and tries to knee Erwin in the side. It almost works, but the old bastard’s reflexes are still excellent and he pulls out of the way just in time, then gets back on the bed.

Levi buries his heel into the mattress and levers up; Erwin simply digs his fingers into the back of Levi’s knee and does – _something_ to his tendons that makes his leg spasm and fall down flat. “Where the fuck did you learn that?” Levi gasps.

“You’re not the only one who knows how to fight dirty.” Erwin yanks Levi’s pants off, then reaches for the bedside table.

Levi drops his head back on the pillow and closes his eyes. His muscles are stiff, aching, and the way his arms are pulled up and immobilized right now doesn’t really help either. Discomfort, and pain, but for some reason he doesn't mind and when Erwin’s hands return to his thighs and something slick presses against him, he arches his hips up and groans, welcoming it.

It’s a moment of odd, quiet, tense peace. Levi focuses on breathing, relaxing, and Erwin is frowning in concentration even though he’s being rough, too quick. Levi bites his lip as Erwin pushes his fingers in deep, hard enough to hurt - and just like that the anger flares up again.

He struggles, straps digging into his wrists, and Erwin has to use all his strength to hold Levi down. It isn’t comfortable, not in the least. Erwin’s fingers slip as Levi wriggles, then push in too hard, too much again and it seriously hurts, but it’s –

It’s satisfying, struggling when he’s got something solid to push against.

Erwin forces Levi’s thighs open, then gets up on his knees and leans over Levi. Levi arches his back and crosses his ankles behind Erwin, and Erwin pushes in.

It’s too soon, too much, and for a second pain overtakes everything, and panic, because this fucking _hurts_ and hurts more with each inch Erwin presses in, Levi’s vision tinging red and he can’t move, can’t pull away -

And Erwin is inside of him.

Levi can feel Erwin’s breath, warm and wet as he leans down, head bent. He doesn’t move, not yet, and Levi stills again, quiet underneath Erwin’s solid bulk. Erwin’s sides, held securely between his thighs, expand with each too-quick breath he takes. The muscles of Levi’s legs are stretched beyond comfort and his shoulders feel like they’re cramping up, and he’s going to fucking _regret_ this in the morning, in as far as he ever regrets sex with Erwin, but it’s worth it.

Erwin surprises him by folding his hand loosely around Levi’s throat. It’s a careful hold, nowhere near enough to mess with his breathing, but it’s still something aggressive, primal. The kind of thing Erwin usually doesn’t go for.

Levi’s cock twitches.

Erwin holds the stillness for a moment more, and then he starts moving. He sets the pace fast and brutally hard, Levi’s body rocking with each thrust and his head hitting the headboard. There’s nothing much he can do in the way of response, and when he tries to get his foot on the mattress to get some leverage, Erwin roughly pulls Levi’s thigh back up.

The pain is still burning. He can't move, can't fight back, can't get off and he's painfully fucking hard but Erwin hasn't even touched his cock, and,  _fuck_.

“Go on, then,” Levi grinds out. “You bastard, come on.”

Erwin stops moving. Did he – but no, the fire is still in his eyes, seems only more intense than before. So why the fuck does he pull out, what is he planning…

Erwin grabs the bottle from the bedside table again, pours oil onto his hand, and reaches behind him.

Levi’s breath hitches. He pulls against the restraints, but Erwin grabs his throat again, forcing him to hold still.

Levi’s heart is hammering. Breathing too quick, out of his control. The scent of sex is heavy in the air and the straps are digging painfully into the flesh of his wrists and that’s Erwin, straddling Levi’s hips and going down and –

Levi throws his head back and groans as Erwin takes him slowly, fully, agonizingly inside. “You bastard,” Levi hisses.

“ _Shut up_.”

Erwin clenches down. Levi bites down on his lip, closes his eyes, on the brink of losing control.

Erwin rocks his hips, his feet sliding against the sheets and his hands groping Levi’s chest. The day of fighting has left more than its share of bruises and scrapes on Levi, but Erwin doesn’t seem to give a fuck, right now. There’s nothing tender about him, no fucking trace left of the care and the attention he usually has.

Erwin adjusts his position and his hand leans right on a large bruise on Levi’s chest. Levi curses and yanks against the restraints, more instinct than conscious gesture, and something in Erwin’s eyes flares and he buries his nails into Levi’s broken and bruised skin and _tears down_.

Levi actually flat-out yells at the pain, and not even that seems to faze Erwin. It should be terrifying, and what the fuck does it say about him that it isn’t? That if anything, this feels _safe_?

Erwin grabs a handful of Levi’s hair yanks his head up, smashes his mouth against his. His shoulders almost feel like they’re being wrenched out of their sockets, the muscles in his stomach and sides screaming as he tries to keep the position and Erwin’s hips are rocking and Erwin’s tongue pushes roughly into his mouth and everything hurts and he _couldn’t give a fuck_.

When he comes, it takes him by surprise, enough to tear his head from Erwin’s grip. A sharp pain tells him he might have pulled out some hair, but it just – it doesn’t even fucking register as pain anymore.

He falls back onto the mattress and breathes out, whole body shaking. Erwin, how’s… He’s pulling off, and his stomach is smeared with come. When did he…

Doesn’t matter.

Erwin falls down heavily next to him. They lie together, breathing hard.

“Got that out of your system, then?” Levi says. His voice is hoarse.

Erwin sits up and loosens the clasps on the harness around Levi’s wrists. Levi pulls his hands free and checks – angry red marks, skin broken in a few places.

Erwin stares.

“Don’t fucking apologize,” Levi says sharply. “If I didn’t agree I would’ve stopped you.”

Erwin looks away, silent, almost like he's embarrassed.

Levi sits up, slowly and painfully, and turns around so he’s leaning against the footboard of the bed. Physical contact after sex isn’t always entirely comfortable to him, something Erwin has had to find out the hard way, but this is good compromise. Close enough to feel connected but with enough distance that Levi doesn’t get edgy.

Although right now it looks like Erwin is the most affected, the most in need of finding some kind of comfort again. Not that Levi has much to give there, apart from silence. Acceptance, maybe.

Levi grabs his torn shirt and cleans himself up as much as he can, then sits back and waits, watching Erwin carefully.

Not a fucking trace left of his usual masks.

“What happened?” Levi asks.

No reply.

“What’s _going on_ , Erwin?”

Erwin breathes out, slowly. He looks up. His eyes are sharp, pupils large, and for a moment Levi’s sure he’s going to be shut out again, but –

“We have a traitor.”

And suddenly, everything makes sense.

Levi almost laughs, feeling nothing but – relief. Of course that’s what was bothering Erwin. Of course he hadn’t lost his faith.

But then the consequences start to dawn on him. A _traitor_.

Erwin’s eyes are focused on him, sharp, almost wary. As if he’s waiting to see what Levi will do, preparing for the worst.

“How sure are you?” Levi asks.

“I don’t have any proof yet, if that’s what you’re asking,” Erwin says, with the same fixed look.

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

“I’m pretty sure.”

“Erwin…” Levi shakes his head. “ _How_? I know you’ve been considering human involvement, but…”

“Today was… “ Erwin starts, hesitant. “If - if humans can transform into Titans, then all bets are off. Every theory we had, every possibility we considered… We need to start all over again.”

“But even if there are humans involved – that doesn’t mean it’s someone on the inside,” Levi says. “Does it?”

“Doesn’t it?” Erwin asks, pointedly.

“It could just be…” Levi pauses. Then he blows out his cheeks and tilts his head back. “They knew we were out of town.”

“Exactly. Nobody knew the exact date of our expedition, apart from the Survey Corps and the brass. And this would’ve been something that needed preparation.” Erwin leans back. “It’s not just this. There have been signs for years now. Small things, like the occasional document going missing, supplies being stolen from secret places, that kind of thing. And…” He hesitates, then looks up.

“What?” Levi asks.

“Remember, a year or two back, when your harness broke?”

“What about it?”

“The straps didn’t just break,” Erwin says. “They were cut through. It was sabotage.”

Silence. Levi looks down. That particular accident has been showing up regularly in his dreams, the horrifying feeling of his support failing and the ground rushing at him and the fucking _helplessness_ of it… But he never considered it could have been deliberate.

“Someone tried to kill me,” Levi says flatly.

“Yes. I tried to explain it away as just an extreme case of jealousy, or envy. But…” Erwin starts fidgeting. “It makes sense. One of the best ways of sabotaging the Survey Corps would be to kill off our best soldier.”

“Do you suspect anyone?”

Erwin looks up. His eyes have gone steely-blue again, that hard impenetrable look Levi still remembers from the streets in the Underground.

“Everyone.”

Levi leans back.

A traitor. Someone he’s fought with – fuck, who knows, maybe it’s someone whose life he saved. Working alongside them, pretending to be on their side, and all the while… And it could be anyone. It could be fucking _Mike_ , for all they know. Hange. Petra.

Anyone…

Levi looks up. “So how do you know I’m not the traitor?”

“Sabotaging yourself would be an extreme double-bluff, hardly worth it,” Erwin says, something carefully calm in his voice. “And then there’s the way you joined… You’d expect a spy to join the normal way, not drawing any attention to themselves.”

“Makes sense.” Levi kicks Erwin’s shin. “Now tell me the real reason.”

Erwin gives him a tired, fond, exasperated smile. “Well spotted.”

“So?”

Erwin sighs. “Fine. The… Well, the thing is, that you’re… The main reason that I trust you is that’s it _you_.” He pauses, still fidgeting. “Regardless of facts and conjecture, even if all the evidence pointed at you, I’d still…”

Levi looks away.

He knows, of course he knows that he has Erwin’s trust. He’s known that for years. But this? That fucking _tone_ in Erwin’s voice, and the way there isn’t a shred of defense or masking left…

Levi clears his throat. “So what now?”

“We wait,” Erwin says. “We observe. There’s not much else we can do at this point.”

“You mean we just sit back and act like nothing happened, _knowing_ we’ve got an enemy in our ranks?” Levi asks disbelievingly.

“What do you want me to do?” Erwin asks. “Torture every single member of the Corps and see who cracks first?”

“Set a thief to catch a thief.” Levi leans forward. “I’ve been a spy here before, I’ll recognize them.”

“Will you?” Erwin shakes his head. “I don’t want to ask that of you.”

“Squeamishness again, Erwin?” Levi sneers. “I thought you’d moved past that?”

“You need your concentration for other things.”

“I can multitask.”

“ _Levi_. No.”

He gets ready to protest, mouth already open, but then Erwin gives him a look and no, no point in protesting here. Erwin won’t bend.

Levi runs his hands over his face. A spy. A traitor, someone who has been dutifully observing them all, who took every problem and difficulty and weakness they’ve ever had and reported it to - to someone. An enemy.

And Erwin had known. He’d continued being the dutiful leader _knowing_ there was someone, or multiple someones, watching his every decision. He’d locked himself down and hidden everything important away, carrying the weight of all those decisions on his own shoulder without any possibility to share.

No wonder he looked fucking exhausted.

Levi raises his head. “How long have you known?”

“Know?” Erwin says. “I don’t. Even now I’m not entirely certain. But suspected… Months.”

Levi slowly shakes his head. “All this time, you’ve been running a one-person anti-intelligence campaign. And we just thought it was grief.”

“Grief?” Erwin frowns. “You think I would let grief stop me from doing my duty?”

“No.” Levi cocks his head, studies Erwin. He looks genuinely surprised, as if even the thought of being compromised by his emotions is absurd. “No, we should’ve known better.”

Erwin smiles. “That explains Hange and Mike’s attempts at mothering, at least. I did wonder. I probably owe them an apology.”

“Unless…”

Erwin’s smile disappears. “Yes.”

Levi shakes his head. “I still can’t - a traitor in our ranks,” he mutters. “And humans working together with Titans, and planned attacks and people who can turn into Titans.” He leans back against the footboard. “The kid - Eren? Do you think he’s involved?”

“I’m not sure,” Erwin says. “I don’t think so. I read the preliminary report, and his story is too far-fetched, too confused to be fabricated. I think he’s innocent.”

“Why?”

“My gut instinct.” Erwin smiles and gives Levi’s wrist a gentle squeeze. “The same one that told me to trust you.”

“I tried to kill you for four whole months,” Levi points out.

“But in the end, it turned out more than alright.” Erwin’s smile fades. “If he’s an innocent, he’s in an extreme amount of danger and we need to get him to us as soon as possible, to protect him. And if he’s a risk, well, then keeping him with us means we can watch him. Either way, the conclusion is the same. I’ll go to Nile tomorrow, see if I can wangle a meeting.”

Levi clucks his tongue. “Good luck with that. The ones that arrested him looked like they were about ready to try and fight me for him. I doubt they’re letting go that easily.”

“I can be persuasive.”

“Let’s hope that's enough.”

“Let’s.” Erwin runs his hand over his face, then holds it out. “Can you - I mean, if you don’t mind?”

Levi shifts to the head of the bed, sitting next to Erwin. He moves slowly, painfully, and just as he sits down the buckle of the harness catches against Levi’s wrist and he hisses in pain.

Erwin takes Levi’s wrist, thumb running gently over the marks. ”You won’t let me apologize, will you?” he says softly.

“No. There’s no need, Erwin.” Levi curls his lip. “Didn’t you hear me moan? Or did you think that was just pain?”

“I didn’t want to assume. I mean - ”

“Erwin. Stop worrying. I’m fine.”

Erwin keeps holding Levi’s wrist. Levi leans against Erwin’s shoulder and closes his eyes.

“So why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, after a few moments. “If you were sure I wasn’t the spy. Why wait until now? You could have shared all this.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Erwin says.

“Obviously it isn’t. Didn’t trust me that much after all, did you? Thought I’d blab and - ”

“I wanted to spare you.”

Levi opens his eyes. Then he sits up and straddles Erwin’s thighs, putting them eye-to-eye. Erwin is looking slightly sheepish, uneasy.

“You _what_?” Levi says.

“Protect you, in a way.” Erwin looks down. “It _was_ hard, harbouring this amount of suspicion, yet having to act as if everything were normal. There was no need for you to go through that as well. It wouldn’t have changed anything.”

“Except you wouldn’t have gone through all this alone,” Levi points out.

“Other people’s safety are more important than my comfort, Levi.”

Levi draws his fingers carefully over Erwin's jaw, his throat. “Idiot,” he says softly.

Erwin gives him a tired smile. His hands come up to rest at Levi's waist and stay there, warm and heavy.

“So,” Levi says, after a while. “Now what? What do we do?”

“Right now?” Erwin smiles. “Go to sleep.”

“And in the morning?”

“We’ll see then. We’re Survey Corps, after all.”

“We adapt,” Levi finishes. He swings his leg over Erwin's thighs and gets off the bed, stands up – only for the world to start spinning. He staggers, briefly; only Erwin’s supporting arm keeps him from falling.

“Are you alright?” Erwin asks, immediately, concerned.

“I’m fine, just tired.” Levi stretches his shoulders, the world coming back into focus. “Help me get cleaned up, will you? I fucking _reek_.”

Erwin gets up as well and they go the tiny bathroom.

Erwin’s room has a unique system set up to bring up hot water, saving him from the necessity of using the communal baths like the rest of the Corps. Sometimes the privilege of it irks Levi, but right now he’s deeply immensely grateful for the hot water washing away the filth, the blood, the dried sweat that feels like it’s soaked into his skin.

Erwin keeps hold of Levi's upper arm, supporting him as if he’s afraid Levi will fall. Frankly, it’s not that unlikely, because after a few moments he starts to sway again.

Erwin hands him a towel. “Stay here for the night.”

“I don’t think I could even reach my fucking bedroom right now,” Levi mumbles. He dries off, then pads across the room and sits down heavily on the bed. “Fuck, I feel like I’ve fought for days.”

“I didn’t ask, did I?”

Levi looks up, his neck giving a painful twinge. “What?”

“The clean-up. How did it go?”

“As well as could be expected.” He leans forward, arms leaning on his thighs. “We kept finding corpses. Recruits, young ones. And they kept – it seemed like there were hundreds of them. Titans. Kill one, another five turn up around the corner. It never fucking _stopped_.”

“But it has, now. Thanks to you.”

“Has it?” He runs a hand over his face. “Feels like it hasn’t. How long till we have to go out again? How many of them are there?”

“Levi.” The bed dips, and Erwin takes his shoulder, holding him. “Go to sleep.”

Levi crawls underneath the sheets and turns onto his side. “You’re wrong, though,” he mutters.

“About what?” Erwin asks, softly.

“What you said. The best way to - to sabotage the Survey Corps. It wouldn’t be killing me. It would be killing you.” He yawns. “That’s what I would do.”

“I’ll just have to watch my back, then.”

An arm comes around to rest over his waist, warm and heavy.

Two seconds later, he’s asleep.

***

Levi wakes up covered in sweat and his heart trying to hammer its way through his chest.

He breathes out, slowly, trying to force his body to calm down. Everything is hurting, in that dull nagging sort of way of stiff muscles, but he can handle that. It helps, even, a way to bring him back to the here and now.

He’s fine. He’s safe. The past can’t touch him here, it’s done, he’s fine.

Next to him, Erwin makes a quiet sound and rolls onto his side.

Just looking at him is enough to bring most of last night back, the bruises on Levi’s wrists and the scratches on his chest and the words afterwards.

A traitor in their ranks. And the way Erwin looked at him…

Levi slides quietly out of bed and goes to the window. The stars are out, but there are still noises from outside. Clean-up.

He closes his eyes and tries to block out his nightmare. It started out the way it always does, a confused jumble of blood and broken bones, of people being ripped apart and him being too late and pain wracking his body until he’s throwing up. Those things could just as well be a rehash of today as old memories coming back.

But then it got disturbingly clear.

“Levi?” Erwin’s sleepy voice comes from behind him. “Are you alright?”

“Dream,” he says curtly, and Erwin makes an understanding noise. They’ve shared a bed often enough that dealing with the aftermath of nightmares is practically routine; and besides, Levi isn’t the only one waking up in cold sweat every now and then, is he?

What would Erwin dream of that makes him look sick with fear even when it’s over?

Levi leans against the window and rubs his chafed wrist. “I saved people,” he says. “Not just fellow soldiers – _strangers_. People I haven’t seen before in my life. They looked at me as if I was…”

“You’re a hero.”

He looks over his shoulder. Erwin is sitting up against the headboard, watching Levi with obvious care. “Am I?”

“To them. And to the Corps.”

“To you?” Levi asks, his lip curling.

Erwin gets out of the bed and comes to stand behind him, one hand on Levi’s shoulder. With the dream still alive in the back of his mind, for a second it’s hard not to throw Erwin off, punch him in the face, twist that presumptuous hand around until his fucking wrist snaps.

But then the moment passes and Levi leans into the touch.

“I trust you,” Erwin says, simply.

They’re words Levi has heard before. Erwin is generous with them, concerned with showing Levi how valued he is. Back in the early days, Levi didn’t put much stock in those words, considered them just another mind game Erwin was playing with him. And after, it often annoyed him, Erwin’s need to say out loud what was obvious, as if it somehow got trivialized by putting it in words.

Not tonight.

He closes his eyes again and lets the old memories resurface, just for a moment.

_\- You’re a monster, Levi. You’ll never be able to submit, no matter the cages you’re put in, the rules you’re given. You’ll never bow down. You’re a monster. Just accept it -_

“Fuck you, Kenny,” Levi mutters.

Erwin doesn’t ask. Levi leans back against Erwin’s warm chest and relaxes a little.

“It doesn’t seem fair, does it?” Erwin says softly. “That with all the demons you have to fight in the real world, you have another set inside your head to wrestle with as well.”

“The world isn’t fair. And the same goes for you, anyway.”

“Not like you, Levi.” Erwin’s arm comes up, resting loosely around Levi’s waist. At other times it might have annoyed him, reminded him too much of being held down, but right now it’s welcome. Anchoring.

Levi trails his fingers down Erwin’s arm, to his hand and the scar across Erwin’s palm. Six years now. It’s faded, a thin line you won’t notice unless you know it’s there.

He could’ve sliced through that hand, easily. But even then something made him stop, listen to Erwin.

How much time did he waste on fighting the inevitable?

He pulls free from Erwin’s arm and goes back to the bed. The exhaustion is catching up with him again, the muscles of his thighs spasming painfully.

He sits down on the bed and looks up. Erwin is still at the window, his profile outlined against the black sky, the moonlight. He looks pretty foreboding, like this. Maybe that’s how the others see him. The untouchable, remote, cold Commander.

Levi rubs his wrist. If only they knew.

Erwin turns his head and looks at Levi. Studying him. Levi almost smiles; he recognizes that look from a very long time ago, when he was still planning to take a knife to Erwin’s throat at the nearest opportunity. It almost makes him feel nostalgic.

“What?” Levi asks, when Erwin just keeps looking.

“There’s – There’s something I don’t really want to ask you, but…”

Levi clucks his tongue in irritation. “Spit it out, Erwin.”

“This is likely going to end in a hearing,” Erwin says, watching Levi carefully. “A tribunal, or even a full public trial. If it comes to that, if it’s in public… I can’t have you openly disobeying any of my orders.”

“You want me on your leash again,” Levi says.

“Yes. Only for then, for when people are watching.”

 _\- you’ll never bow down_ -

“Fine.” He huffs. “Just don’t expect me to be all polite and sniveling to the fuckheads.”

“Well, you’re still you.” Erwin shrugs. “I am sorry about this. If I had any information beforehand, I’d give it to you, but… It’ll all depend. I’ll need to improvise, and I won’t have time to explain first.”

“Right,” Levi says. “You’re asking me to run blind, is that it?”

 _\- you’ll never be able to submit_ -

“It’s just for the trial, Levi,” Erwin says. “Just – for once, don’t ask questions there. Follow my lead. I promise I’ll talk it all over afterwards, tell you everything you want to know.”

_\- just accept it -_

Levi clears his throat, then says, “You don’t have to.”

“What,” Erwin says, with a tired smile, “no protests? Not demanding to know why? No utter refusal to cooperate unless you know exactly what you’re doing?”

“No.”

Erwin’s smile fades. “I know I haven’t been exactly… _forthcoming_ , lately, and I hope you understand why, now. But that doesn’t mean… I’m not asking for your unquestioning loyalty, just that you – ”

“You’ve got it.”

Erwin blinks. “What?”

“My unquestioning loyalty.” He gives Erwin a mocking look. “Don’t tell me you didn’t know that?”

“I – I didn’t.” Erwin keeps staring. “So you’ll…” he says slowly, then he falters. As if he can’t get the words out.

“I trust you.”

Erwin’s breath hitches.

“Completely,” Levi adds.

Erwin shakes his head, slowly. “Six years ago you would have sooner slit my throat than let me touch you. And now…” He glances at Levi’s wrists.

“A lot’s changed since then.”

“Yes.” He frowns. “You’re serious about this?”

“Deadly.”

Erwin looks outside again, then yanks the curtains closed and comes over to the bed.  He sits down next to Levi. “Unquestioning,” he says, and all of a sudden he’s calm again, controlled. “Do you understand? If I ask you things without giving you an explanation, you’ll…”

“Obey.”

Erwin takes Levi’s jaw and tilts his face up. “Would you die?”

“For humanity? I’ve been asked that before.”

“And you said no.”

“I said I prefer to live. And no, I wouldn’t die for humanity.”

Erwin’s fingers go tight on Levi’s jawbone.

“For you, though...” Levi adds.

Erwin’s eyes skip between his. There’s no trace left of the earlier surprise, or the kindness – just cold calculating focus. “You would die for me?”

“Yes,” Levi says.

“And if I’d ask you to kill someone…”

“Yes.”

“Even someone you consider a friend?”

He swallows. “Yes.”

“And if I’d tell you to abandon people because I need you to do something else instead of protecting them… Would you leave them to die?”

Levi grits his teeth.

\- _Farlan jumping up too late too far and Isabel screaming at him from the Titan’s grip –_

“Levi? Would you?”

He meets Erwin’s merciless eyes straight-on. “Yes.”

Erwin lets out a long breath and lets go of Levi’s chin.

“Satisfied?” Levi asks, a little bitterly.

Erwin gives him a weary look. “For what it’s worth, I don’t _enjoy_ this.”

“I know. You do what’s needed.”

“Someone has to.” Erwin runs his hand over his face. “And better me than someone else.”

“Yeah.” Levi gets up again and goes over to the window, leaning against the wall. Facing Erwin, but still with enough distance between them. Enough space to _breathe_.

Except he doesn’t feel as on edge as he thought he would be.

“Regretting your decision already?” Erwin asks.

“No.” He shakes his head. “No regrets.”

Erwin smiles and leans back against the pillows.

Maybe he should be worrying more about this. Or be angry, or protest, the way he used to whenever Erwin demanded any kind of loyalty from him. And this goes well beyond ordinary loyalty.

But he’s made his decision, and strangely enough, all he really feels is peace.

“Thank you,” Erwin says, after a while. “For… for everything. For not killing me when you could. For staying. For protecting us all.”

Levi huffs. “Don’t be a fucking idiot, Erwin.”

“For trusting me.”

Levi looks away, closes his eyes.

And right on cue, the memories – the hardest of them all, the deepest, the ones that might as well be carved into his bones for how strongly they're entwined with who he is – stubbornly bob to the surface again.

_\- You’re on your own, Levi. There’s no one else. Don’t rely on the people in charge, they’re idiots who don’t have any idea what they’re doing. Fear, that’s what matters. Be feared, or you’re nothing. Don’t waste your time on loyalty either, loyalty’s just another lie. Use everything you have – even sex, it’s just another weapon. Hide your weaknesses, let no one ever see them. And above all –_

“Levi?”

_\- never trust anyone._

“Coming,” Levi says.

He throws one last look at the city beyond the walls of the HQ, the darkness dotted with the light from the pyres. 

Then he goes to Erwin’s bed.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and that's it!
> 
> Thank you for all the comments, apologies again for all the delays, and I hope you enjoyed it!


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